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Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
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2:55 am
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life is a constant cycle of disappiontment and happiness.
For evreystep one takes leads to one of the 2. for me it's often a cycle of disappiontment.
everytime i take a step when i think i'm stable enough to do so.
somethign or someone reminds me that it was stupid to take that step and i get shot back down. :-)
then i restablize and start over.
lather rinse repeat.
WHY IS IT I fucking fall for whores.
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| Friday, December 23rd, 2005
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6:12 am - confused and well confused.
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so much negative energy.
i'm torn between my emotions and my own beliefs.
i'm jsut so tired of the negative energy that everyone has towards me.
i only wanted to do what i felt was best for me. but evreyone else wanted me to what THEy felt was best for me.
I justed want to live for the moment and for the experience and stop having this shit weight down on my soul. to stop givign a shit about what people think of me and what they think i can and can't do.
and i always give people the option to question my choices, as long as they can listen to my veiw of it with an open mind.
I know that in the end it is my life and only I have to live it. but seriously this negative energy is life draining.
i know people are concerned with the things I've done drug wise. and that i have become more wide spread with it all.
but i mean it seems as if so many people forgot that before i ever did anything I knew EVERY possible detail about it memorized, ups/downs/safety, chemical reactions within the body. in some cases i even had the molicule memorized.
eh, i've noticed that alot of people got very caught up in what about me DID change, that they forgot what didn't change.
meh, my veiws of it all, is honestly, i'd rather be a fucking addict, than let what others think, control my choices.
and for the record, about me and Meth.
YES i have done it more than once.
NO, it's not extremly dangerous to me.
why?, easy. meth, raise actelcholine and dopamine levels in the brain, which cause the accelarated heart rate and the tweaked feeling.
now it's common knowlegde that i do have a erratic heart rate due to a pervious suicide attempt.
this suicide attempt permently lowered both my dopamine and actelcholine levels, *caffine OD and a shitload of alcohol* now this did drop my serotonin adn norenephine levels as well, as serotonin, dopamine and norenephine all work to balance each other with in the brain. serotonin and dopamine are very easy to imbalance, norenephine is damn near impossible to imblance. your brain trys to rebalance its self with every beat of your heart. serotonin and dopamine tend to only effect each other's balance.
If you look at dopamine's job within the brain and compare it to the "symtoms of PTS* either ptsd or ptss. PTS is a systematic drop in dopamine levels, which also drops serotonin, thus the reason why PTS also tend to trigger depression.
now for me, if you combine my pTS, with the dopamine drop from my suicide attempt. I have lower than Normal dopamine levels, not lower enough that i can't feel pleasure or pain, but low enough that they are both extremly lessened in effectiveness. thus the reason i cannot finish during sex unless I am extremely happy to be with that person, and why i have as High of a pain "tolorence" as I do.
now sorry went on a bio-chem rant. for me since the effects of meth raise both actelcholine and dopamine with in the brain. unlike 90% of the population. Instead of havign too much of either transmitter, I end up having a normal balance. which leads to.
1.meth makes me feel normal.(focus, thinking,etc.)
2.it stablizes and slows my heart rate (more on this in a moment.)
3. it puts me to sleep. once it peaks,after 20 minutes.
4. i can eat just fine, and often do. without any harsh effects.
now on the note on #2. as i said it stablizes and slows my heart rate. Infact even if I do too much.*ahem. attempted OD.* my heart rate drops down even more. i've gotten it down to 30 beats per minute, before i fell asleep. *ahem 10 lines in 1 hour.* when i woke up 8 hours later, and was extremly preplexed. I did my research, and found all this stuff out.
now the problems that DO exsist with this are 1, if it makes me a 100% funcional human being *from what the gov and FDA say* I do run a possiblity of addiction.
and 2 methamphetamine is a nuerotoxic chemical. that leads to extended brain cell death. which is laughable condition that is counterd by vitamin c and E.
those 2 reasons are why my meth usage is seperated by months, instead of days. or weeks.
now yes my metabolism is rasied as well, which honestly i don't know why it does that chemically. "haven't had net acess or medical books to figure out why."
NOW for those nay sayers, nothing I've stated here is in anyway theory or false. it is all proven medical Facts. You just need to LOOK for it. and use the god given brain power that you have.
so anyway sorry for that LOng Blahness, but if you have any questions simply ASK.
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| Friday, November 4th, 2005
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3:37 am - fuckity fuck fuck,
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why is it so hard to jsut give up on people that make ti clear they don't give a shit. just cuz you've been each other's shoulder for years.
wow, that 2 year meth binge is seriosuly lookign better as an alternative to being emoitonally, and openingly caring bout people.
On a differnt note.
I know that while my experiences are in no way any worse than anyone else. i have in a much more verbal way vented my thoughts. which may or may not be the best choice, but it's helped me take control of the anger,
and i've notice while i have nothing negative to say about anyone. i have an EMENSE amount of bitterness towards a ton of people. which i wish i knew how to get rid off. :-(
any help? anyone?
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| Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
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9:44 am - it's time to give up.
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the truth became a lie and the lies became pointless. You win, whatever game that was played to make me giveup my dream of havign my old friends with me. you win. i will stick to the old friend that figured ti all out and that i trust again, and i'll take my new ones. and i wash my hands of all this pain.
i should have listend to this warnign sign.
i for hte lostest time though that i withstood this whirlwind of pain, but for 8 months, i've been touring myself over my friend who are gone. if i was still hurtiong over manda, maybe i wouldn't be so resentful. and have a seethign hatred towards so many people.
but i give up, i'll simple stick to those that i trust again and the new people that i have come to trust again.
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| Monday, October 24th, 2005
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1:18 am - i'm so tired
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i'm so tired of repeatign the same thign over and over. to people. i think i should stop, i mean, yes it'll touture me inside. but i can't go on tellign the truth to people who don't want to beleive it. so i give up. you win.
and omg somethign bright and shiny on my dj...
ok now what?
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| Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
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4:01 am - let's talk about 'R"s
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we all know the 2 main ones, regret adn relief.
but what about all the others, i am here today to discuss the other r's that have invaded my life. the other r's are, remorse, resentment, realizations, rememberence, and rage.
let's start with remorse.
remorse- over the past year, for a long time i was haunted by losing friends, and relizing my worst nightmare hundreds of times-losing friends-, and al though, i can see why and what, happened now, it still hurts sometimes.
resentment-i have begun to resent all my old friends and myself, for the event of the past year. i resent them for as my memory slowly returns, i see what so many did, to me. and i resent myself for the lies, the insecurity, and of course the replacement of the old friends, and the folly of it all.
relizations- as i am someone with only time to spend, as i have no job, and now no car. i get to think alot, the isolations is such a wonderful tool sometimes. i knwo now that i am begining to open myself up again to the world. open it up to people again. somethign i said to my buddy patrick. i had only known this man for 24 hours, when i looked at him, smiled and told him i trust him. he opened himself up to me and told me bout his life. trusted me to protect adn babysit his girlfriend. at faire, when we were all fucked up. and i am nwo openign my self up slowly to my havok friends. i'd liek to start openign up to my old friends again, but the problem lies in just as they have seen my dark side, i've seen their's too, so i'm rather aperhensive about reachign out to them now, jsut as most are to me. in the end,
you cannot be trustworthy until you are willign to trust
and that is the relization i have made over time.
rememberence- as stated befoer slowly my memories are beginign to return. while in other aspects they are fading. i am remembering many things about other people, includign things i forgot on purpose, but for now i'm mostly just confused :-)
rage- the last r that has invaded myslef, comes from, the rumor mills, and the repeated use fo the phrase-i miss the old jonnie- at this piont the rumors have died away, thankfully, but for the subject of the old jonnie. there is no old jonnie or new jonnie. i am and will alwasy be that overly cheerful asshole that alwasy greets you with a smile and a hug.
it's insterentign that int eis entire time i have never felt, regret or relief.
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| Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
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2:42 am - wow
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ya know i forgot how much of a martyr i am,
and that as long as it furthers my goal/task
i'd happily scarifice myself for the good in th end
it's
odd tht little revilation brought me so much inner peace.
that and the more someone is mad at me, the calmer adn nicer i am to them,
drives people fucking nuts, anger-begets-smiles and calmness.
eh such is my life,
the blatent disregard for my own self-being makes me wonder.
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| Saturday, August 13th, 2005
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11:33 am - i'm so tired
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i'm just so tired,
nothing i do seems to work right,
i can't listen to people,
i can't lisen to doctors,
i can't listen to myself,
I'm just so tired,
i want to give up.
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| Thursday, August 11th, 2005
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1:49 am
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lol
ya know i wonder, people see to want to say i have something i haven't delt with, and that i'm in self -denial.
and ya know maybe their is somethign i haven't delt with,
i've had to deal with the pain, relive the entire experience in my own
head, even looked out side the box adn tried to figure things out fromt
he shooters PoV,
and while i doubt that i'm missign something, i'm also entertaining the fact that their might be.
but only god knows what that might be,
i've tired forcly bringing what ever could be their out, thru, pychoactives, *whihc btw is a good use for them*,
adn i got nothign but a fun night.
and in the end, i spend thru something that i should have done at my own pace, for people other than me.
i should have taken 10 years to desensetive myslef trama and move in
acceptance, but because i wanted to make other happy i had to do it in
a year, and in so push everyone away faster than i should have.
lol regardless of the road i *should have chosen, the end result remains the same,
i have to make new friends and meet new people, and steal a few of the old one's newbies.
a year of daily ball busting work, finding new ways to reprogram my
brain, new ways to thin koutside the box, and new ways to
just be me.
in the end, what does anyone want?
what do people want me to scream otu that i'm happy to be alive?
i wasn't before, why would i be now?
the more we change the more we stay the same.
any friend i've had longer than 4 years sees it, but all the ones
within that 4 years, don't and some of them don't seem to care either,
i've done eft, behavior science, criminal pychocology, and
of course self-testing to brign forward every emotional issue i had.
and in the end, was it worth it?, not to the people i did it for. for me?, yeh i guess it was a good thing.
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| Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
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2:39 am - cuz i can't say this on my Lj.
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i'm being eaten alive by the thought of, telling someone what i think of them, but i don't know if i want to,
I want to just scream out,
YOU FUCKIGN COWARD,can't even tell someone to their face what you think of them.
and I'm tired of keeping all the shit you told me about others a secret!
you wnat to complain about missing your friends,
fuck I wonder how many would still be your friends if you told them what you told me?
nwo i haven't been very tactful and have let my own emotions screw up what i mean and in some cases blut out some private thoughts that shouldn't have been said.
but in the end at least i could say it all to their faces.
I dunno, maybe keeping this bottled up will help me get back to normal?
i have kept every black secret of ever person i ever know, it's too much to think about now, and it's a pain in the ass.
do i keep my mouth shut and let it pass, or do i break my vow of silence and start telling people all those lovely secrets i've held to and know that will hurt others more then it will hurt me?
i dunno, i guess maybe it's jsut the person, the coward? that has it eating me. :-(
if it was anyone else, maybe i wouldn't care,
but this person was such a fuckign coward that it made me sick to think i trusted him.
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| Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
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7:58 pm - remember
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everything written here is for me
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7:31 pm - the long cold emptiness of alone.
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in my travels,
in my times
i've done things
i've meant little.
but i've always been there.
no matter what or where.
and now i'm lost,
a love nothign but a ghost.
the dried tears still
stain my face.
the feel of her lips
still a lingering grace.
unknown if i'll ever
know that again
the broken dreams
have long began.
a broken spiral,
all i have left.
to a time where
happiness rained from
the sky, and things were
simple and not shattered.
i long to run from this
cold emptiness that
has come about.
a place alone and broken.
and return to a place
of warmth adn love.
but hte road is too
long to walk or run.
and i worry my pride
will not survive the
journey.but it is
somethign that must
be done, to rturn to a
place in her arms.
so far away from
a long cold emptinesss
that is alone.
current mood:  depressed
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| Monday, December 13th, 2004
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3:45 am - my morbid state of mind.
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i cannot lose someone else i love again.
I cannot, such a feeling would senddown the spiral once more.
and honeslty screw waitnging till i hit bottem. i'll kill myself before i hit the bottem,
*shrugs* i intedn to face death again. on my own terms.
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| Thursday, December 9th, 2004
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4:42 am - *sigh*
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this is just a post about women.
just int he last couple of months.
i'v had one girl decide she doesnt liek me as much as she thought she did.
which actually really hurt and i really liked her, her personality was perfect to me in a many ways * and she's a borderline personality*
then the girl i'm truely in love with I now think i was nothign more than convience and sympathy to her.
which is hurtful, since i've know her for years and she's said so many thign so to make it seem otherwise, but
sorry i'm just whining :-/
i'm jsut hurtign for emotion i guess.
current mood:  confused
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| Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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4:02 am - wow,
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god, sometimes, i look at myself, want ot beat the shit out of myself.
today was one of those days.
my head, adn my heart hurt.
why. becuase i fell for the lies, as always,
all i can do anymore is take the days as they come righ?
i normally fail miserable, at that, but i try non the less.
emotionally i have only one outlet, and i'm royally screwin myself out of that.
i don't know what to do anymore.
someone shoot me. :-/
it's all i can think to maybe fix my mind and my emotions, give me a new life to work with,
i would like a gf. hell i'll even give a 30 day mony back garuntee with it. dump in 30 days if you feel i'm not right. :-/
ok i'm just complaining, not in the mind set to be morbid or intelligent.
current mood: confused
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| Thursday, October 28th, 2004
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1:49 am - again my old friend, my old lover.
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I've neglected you my percious Dead jorunal. but not because i want to, but i's because you are filled with angst and my past, a person i am no longer.
but blah,
so my mental health.
well, finally dealt with everyhting that happened, only took me 3 months. ;-/ but in dalign with it enough to move on, i have effectivly removed my abiliy to cope at all. with dy to day life.
thank god for drugs right?
for drugs that give the ability to cope. :-/ when you have no strengh. :-/
so yeah, i'm a drug addict now, how are ya'll lol :) actually i'm no but i'm beign sinical. :)
my job is nice nd happy, granted this mornign shift is gonna kill me fat out. :-/but what can you do? :( it's temporary anyway.
we'll gonn ahve a coupel of parties over th next couple months. made some promises i have to keep to. :)
funw ith happy stuff. :)
yay.
current mood:  cranky
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| Friday, September 24th, 2004
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7:20 pm - i swear, people jus bother me.e
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i'm just really aggravated by some people. and i wonder why, i ever cared about them.
Apathy taking over. about o stop caring about people's lives and deaths. but it's mostly becuase I might just be selfish, but you know what?, i dissreve tobe selfish every so often . i don't take the chance to be a all :(
current mood: cranky
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| Monday, August 9th, 2004
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12:11 am - things i recomndddddddddddddd
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if any of you atr rvery shot, try not to be shot in the head, it really fucking hurtsssss.
yeah i'm out the hospital. :)
current mood:  chipper
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| Saturday, May 8th, 2004
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8:39 am - Bad reminders...
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God DJ is depressing.
Bad Reminders... the whole thing...
but sorta needed. *shrugs*
nothing else tonight.
current mood:  calm
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| Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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1:18 pm - lol
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ok, this has been bouncing around in my head for a while.
Most Ironic thing I've ever heard in my life.
"I just wish you wouldn't have said you would pay me back. And then not do it.. and then not do it some more."
I didn't even mean to do it either..it was just something that happened and was said. Proof the Universe is laughing at us.
See if you generalize that statment.
"I just wish you wouldn't have said _________. and then do/not do it, and then do/not do it some more."
and you plug in my words... It's the exact way I felt about them.
the universe is laughing at us., it really is.
current mood: calm
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