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Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
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2:44 pm - A Mistake In The Making
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I cannot believe this election is going down like this. Here are some choice quotes:
"And the race continued to split along racial lines, as Obama won about eight in 10 African Americans, a trend that put him over the top in Georgia and Alabama."
"In Tennessee, Clinton won white voters of all ages; Obama won blacks across the board. Similar splits occurred in California, where black voters chose Obama 5 to 1. But the two split the white vote in California, where Clinton made up the difference by winning Hispanics 2 to 1."
"Obama, who was in Chicago, came out later and, while congratulating Clinton on her successes, drew a contrast with his rival, saying voters in November deserve a clear choice between the Republican and Democratic nominees.
"It's a choice between going into this election with Republicans and independents already united against us, or going against their nominee with a campaign that has united Americans of all parties, from all backgrounds, from all races, from all religions, around a common purpose," he said. "It's a choice between having a debate with the other party about who has the most experience in Washington, or having one about who is most likely to change Washington, because that's a debate that we can win.""
It’s ironic that he is so adamant that his campaign has united all races and all religions, even though every news outlet has reported that he wins black votes and Hillary wins Hispanic votes.
I cannot believe that this many people have bought into this façade of "change." Do you want to know why I am not voting for Obama?
1. He’s a first term senator and has absolutely no experience in Washington. Whereas it’s nice to think that an outsider is different and will be able to bring something fresh to the table, the fact of the matter is that he has so little experience with the inner workings of Congress that it’s going to take him several more years just to figure out how the branches interact.
2. You’re incredibly naïve if you think he can actually change the system. It doesn’t matter how different he looks or how much younger he is. The system, a congregate of institutions, is formalized. It’s been in place for a very long time and one “change”-minded freshman senator is not going to be able to bring about that much change.
3. Charismatic leaders always rise in times of institutional stagnation. People grow weary and tired of the system because it has become too formal. They want the system to change. Out of nowhere, leaders appear that are ready to change the system. They are progressive and promise to put an end to the stagnation. They promise to do a lot of things; that’s the point. Charismatic leaders rarely deliver on any of their promises and in the end, they are assumed by the system and the system becomes institutionalized again.
4. I have to give Obama kudos for outright admitting that he smoked marijuana. It’s refreshing not to hear bullshit (“I did not inhale.”). But cocaine too? I’m not ok with doing cocaine to "push questions of who I was out of my mind" and casually recalling it like it’s nothing big. That’s not setting a very good example. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen first-hand the consequences of cocaine. Also, care to remember the last president we elected that had done cocaine? His name was George W. Bush.
5. He said that universal health care coverage is a dangerous idea because it’s a step towards Communism. Well-put, definitely sounds like something that a wealthy asshole would say.
6. Dear Obama, It’s VERY easy to say you’ve always been against the Iraq War when you weren’t even elected to Congress until after the vote occurred. How do we know that you wouldn’t have done the same exact thing as 77 other senators and voted for the war? Everyone was caught up in the patriotism. It’s safe to say that since you would have been newly elected (given your failed run for the House in 2000), you would have made every safe vote possible in order to ensure that you remained in that seat. That’s what every congressman does. Those 23 senators who opposed giving Bush the authorization to invade Iraq are located in “safe” seats, districts that were drawn to ensure that one party or incumbent remains in power.
7. Obama is a freshman senator and he is already involved in an ethics scandal. He’s only been in the senate for four years. Time for more choice quotes? I think so:
“For more than five weeks during the brutal winter of 1997, tenants shivered without heat in a government-subsidized apartment building on Chicago's South Side.
It was just four years after the landlords -- Antoin "Tony'' Rezko and his partner Daniel Mahru -- had rehabbed the 31-unit building in Englewood with a loan from Chicago taxpayers.
Rezko and Mahru couldn't find money to get the heat back on.
But their company, Rezmar Corp., did come up with $1,000 to give to the political campaign fund of Barack Obama, the newly elected state senator whose district included the unheated building.
Obama has been friends with Rezko for 17 years. Rezko has been a political patron to Obama and many others, helping to raise millions of dollars for them through his own contributions and by hosting fund-raisers in his home.
Obama, who has worked as a lawyer and a legislator to improve living conditions for the poor, took campaign donations from Rezko even as Rezko's low-income housing empire was collapsing, leaving many African-American families in buildings riddled with problems -- including squalid living conditions, vacant apartments, lack of heat, squatters and drug dealers.
The building in Englewood was one of 30 Rezmar rehabbed in a series of troubled deals largely financed by taxpayers. Every project ran into financial difficulty. More than half went into foreclosure, a Chicago Sun-Times investigation has found.
Much of the criticism has centered on two real estate deals involving Obama's South Side mansion. In the first, Obama paid $300,000 less than the asking price for a doctor's home, while Rezko's wife paid the doctor full price for the vacant lot next door. Then -- a few months before Rezko was indicted -- Obama bought part of that lot from Rezko's wife.
But Obama's ties with Rezko go beyond those two real estate sales and the political support, the Sun-Times found. Obama was an attorney with a small Chicago law firm -- Davis Miner Barnhill & Galland -- that helped Rezmar get more than $43 million in government funding to rehab 15 of their 30 apartment buildings for the poor.”
Jesus Christ, I couldn’t even make this up. This guy is just as crooked as the next fuck, what don’t people understand about that? He’s not a candidate of change; he’s just another corrupt politician. What was the last ethics scandal that Hillary was involved in?
You can listen to the differences in Obama’s speech between him speaking to a predominantly white crowd and him speaking to a black crowd. He picks up the slang and pretends that he’s black enough while pretending he’s white enough at white fundraisers. He’s a lawyer who is extremely wealthy. He didn’t have to spend any time on the streets. These black people who are voting for him simply because he’s black are ridiculous. If he wins the nomination and then loses the election, it won’t be due to inexperience, they’ll say it’s because he’s BLACK. This is an inevitable racial clash. If you think the race card is pulled out a lot now, wait until he loses either the nomination or the election. There are a ton of rednecks out there that are willing to go to the polls to vote for anybody that isn’t black.
So then what choice do we have? McCain, the dinosaur? I used to like McCain, really. He was hardened in war and understands first-hand the horrors of war. He used to be a true moderate, in the mold of his predecessor Barry Goldwater. The straight-talk express actually used to mean something. But he wants to win the election and he can’t do that if he’s a moderate. So away he panders to his base. All of his politics change for the sake of him being a conservative. Instead of learning from his time in war that war is an ugly mess, he has become even more of a hawk.
And then there’s the impossible Republican candidate, Huckabee, a Baptist minister who's...a Baptist minister. How about his use of suicide as a joke about fundraising efforts by himself and his opponents in the Republican primaries? Or his elitist, condescending religious views: "Don't Mormons believe that Jesus and the devil are brothers?" Better yet, how about when he compared abortion to a holocaust? Or when he tried to tie the assassination of Bhutto to his immigration policies? Or when he used the same tired slippery slope argument: “I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal.”
And on that note, please don't hand this fucking country to somebody who has absolutely no idea what to do with it.
Bonus reading:
Obama's Rezko ties deeper than land deal (December 23, 2006)
http://www.suntimes.com/news/politics/184540,122306obama.article
Obama and his Rezko ties (April 23, 2007)
http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/353829,CST-NWS.rez23.article
Obama surfaces in Rekzo's federal corruption case
Source confirmed Obama is the unnamed "political candidate" referred to in document which outlines case against Rezko (January 20, 2008)
http://www.suntimes.com/news/politics/obama/749138,obama20web.article
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
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9:42 am - Best of 2007
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Best Albums
10.
Boys Night Out - Boys Night Out
Obviously I’m biased when it comes to BNO. I’ve loved them since the first time I heard their demo. Catchy songs about killing people, what more could someone ask for? Unfortunately, years of screaming caught up to the singers in BNO and the end result is that screaming has been cut back drastically. I first noticed this at their live shows. Boys Night Out ended up between a rock and a hard spot with this album: they could have kept screaming, but with all the new screaming “emo” bands coming out, they would no longer be original. But if they cut out almost all of the screaming, they end up sounding like any other rock band. That’s exactly what happened with this self titled release. The instrumentation is still signature Boys Night Out, but the vocals feel like they’re lacking something. To be quite honest, some of these songs could easily pass as Fall Out Boy or Panic At The Disco songs. It just sounds different. You can tell it was produced by Lou Giordano, as he has a tendency to put too much gloss on songs (See: The Ataris – So Long, Astoria and Taking Back Sunday – Where You Want To Be). The songs are still catchy, however, and overall it’s a solid release.
Recommended Tracks: “Get Your Head Straight” and “Hey, Thanks”
9.
The Good Life - Help Wanted Nights
I’m biased when it comes to any project involving Tim Kasher, lead singer of Cursive. Help Wanted Nights is a concept album based on a screenplay that Tim wrote. It’s got a very folky and mellow feel and it’s got songs about alcohol, one night stands, and trying to find your place in life.
Recommended Tracks: “On This Picket Fence” and “Keely Aimee”
8.
Look Mexico - This Is Animal Music
This is one of the only new bands that I enjoy listening to. In every review you read of this record, the band is compared to the likes of American Football. That’s what sold it for me. I love American Football and I’ve been looking for a band to fill that void since they broke up. In comes Look Mexico. This is indie music at its finest, with odd time signatures and complex melodies. The guys in the band are a bunch of goof balls, as evidenced by their promo photo, which is them in their underwear smearing pizza all over themselves. They also don’t take themselves too seriously: you’ll notice that almost all of the track titles are quotes from Vin Diesel movies.
Recommended Tracks: “You Come Into My House, While I Sleep?” and “I Like Being A Millionaire. You Will Too, Believe Me.”
7.
The Dear Hunter – Act II: The Meaning Of, And All Things Regarding Ms. Leading
I don’t even know how to describe The Dear Hunter. This is the new band of former The Receiving End of Sirens singer Casey Crescenzo. This album is the conceptual follow up to their first EP, appropriately titled Act I. The albums together tell a story of a young man whose mother is a prostitute and he has to find his own way in life, while at the same time he falls in love with a prostitute. The music defies all genres. It’s got strings, horns, crescendos, sing-a-longs, big choruses, and layers upon layers of instrumentation. The music is busy and the songs tend to blend into one another but you still feel satisfied at the end.
Recommended Tracks: “The Church And The Dime” and “Smiling Swine”
6.
Paramore - Riot!
This is definitely my guilty pleasure on the list. Paramore is on Decaydance and fits in right alongside label mates Panic at the Disco and Cute Is What We Aim For. “Riot!” is pure pop rock. The songs are catchy; the lyrics not overly impressive. But the songs stick in your head and are a blast to sing along to. Regardless of whether you like Paramore, you have to give lead singer Hayley Williams credit for actually having a voice. She is an amazing singer with a wide range and a hell of a set of lungs. She’s cute too.
Recommended Tracks: “Misery Business” and “That's What You Get”
5.
Thrice - The Alchemy Index: Vols. I and II (Fire and Water)
You have to give Thrice respect for taking on such an ambitious project. Releasing four EP’s, with each one dedicated to an element? Pretty cool. Not only do they pull it off on this album, but they do so with style. Each Volume has its own tone and the songs fit together very nicely. The Water disc has an electronic vibe to it, with bleeps and boops. The Fire disc is much more aggressive and straightforward rock. It’s got screaming and sounds like older Thrice. As always, Dustin’s lyrics are incredible and intelligent.
Recommended Tracks: “Digital Sea” and “The Arsonist”
4.
Straylight Run - The Needles The Space
I have always loved John Nolan, ever since he was in Taking Back Sunday. Prior to recording this album, they escaped from Victory Records and decided to do everything on their own. So they recorded and produced this album by themselves and shopped it out to labels afterwards. Whereas I don’t think this album is as good as their self-titled debut, it is still a worthy effort. One problem with this album is that they allow John’s sister Michelle to sing lead vocals on too many of the songs. Michelle has a great voice and I enjoyed her singing when she was singing back up vocals in old Taking Back Sunday songs and old Straylight Run songs. I just do not like her voice singing lead. Another problem that plagues this album is their choice of melodies, sounds, and tones. Some of them are so bad (See: “The Miracle That Never Came”) that they are nearly unlistenable. This album is also not a very fast album and at times feels downright tedious when it’s moving at its glacial pace. I miss hearing John sing/scream like he actually meant it. I know his heart is in the right place with these songs, but his voice is no longer that compelling. On a side note, now that Fred has left Taking Back Sunday, I think John, Adam, and the rest of them should make up, be friends again, and be a band again. Given Straylight Run’s current path, I think that’s about the only way that John will ever make songs that change lives again.
Recommended Tracks: “Soon We'll Be Living In The Future” and “Buttoned Down”
3.
Weatherbox - American Art
Weatherbox is the only other new band to make the top ten. Their lead singer used to be in My American Heart and several people have said that he sounds like Max Bemis from Say Anything. This record sounds like a Cursive record mixed with something else that I can’t quite put my finger on. The lyrics don’t always make sense but the melodies and choruses more than make up for that. This is an enjoyable record from start to finish. Keep an ear out for a verse that turns into a rap in the song “Drop The Mike”.
Recommended Tracks: “The Drugs” and “Trippin’ The Life Fantastic”
2.
Against Me! - New Wave
In the weeks following New Wave’s release, I HATED it. I had heard only a couple of songs, including their single “White People For Peace”, and it was not grabbing me at all. The chorus of their single was bulky and awkward and the song was weak. Thankfully, the single is probably the weakest point of the album. This album isn’t a usual Against Me! Album and they’ve caught a ton of flak for that. They were always a band that believed in DIY and anarchy and then they signed with Sire Records. Fans cried foul but Against Me! pushed on and created this poppy gem. It includes a duet with Tegan from Tegan & Sara (“Borne On The FM Waves Of The Heart”) and an upbeat dance number (“Stop!”). Once I got over how horrible the single was, the rest of this album pulled me in. There are a couple of misses but still an album worth listening to.
Recommended Tracks: “New Wave” and “Thrash Unreal”
1.
New Found Glory - From The Screen To Your Stereo Part 2
New Found Glory returns for another round of punkified pop songs. I don’t think there’s much more you can say about this album or band. New Found Glory has been consistent for many years now. They’re the King of Pop Punk. These songs are just as fun as Part 1 and the guest vocalists add that much more to them. Some of the guests are Chris Carrabba (of Dashboard Confessional), Max Bemis (of Say Anything), Patrick Stump (of Fall Out Boy), and Adam Lazzara (of Taking Back Sunday).
Recommended Tracks: “Lovefool (feat. Adam Lazzara)” and “Iris (feat. Will Pugh)”
Honorable Mentions
01 - Jimmy Eat World - Chase This Light
Jimmy Eat World gets lots of love. “They can do no wrong,” according to some of the people I know. It’s not that this album is bad. The instrumentation is good, the lyrics are good, and Jim sings as well here as he ever has. Still…some of these songs seem to drag and I lose interest in them before they’re over. Maybe the tempo isn’t upbeat enough for me. Maybe it’s because I was never that big of a Jimmy fan. It’s still worth listening to.
Recommended Tracks: “Big Casino” and “Gotta Be Somebody's Blues”
02 - Yellowcard - Paper Walls
Lights and Sounds sucked. Almost everyone knows it sucked. Yellowcard originally said that it was the album of their career and they were going to tour on it for several years. And then it bombed so they started work on the follow-up immediately. Surprisingly, they figured out what they did wrong. The tracks on Paper Walls are more Ocean Avenue than Lights and Sounds and the result is pretty good. Not all of the tracks are hits, but it’s still fairly catchy. If you’re into pop punk, it was one of the better albums released in 2007.
Recommended Tracks: “Light Up The Sky” and “Five Becomes Four”
03 - Reel Big Fish - Monkeys For Nothin' and The Chimps For Free
Ska isn’t dead! This album isn’t entirely new material because Reel Big Fish decided to re-record some of their older tracks. Songs like “Party Down” are a blast to listen to because they incorporate different genres into one song, just like what they did when they played S.R. live. The music is a lot happier now than it was when they released “We're Not Happy 'Til You're Not Happy”, which is a good thing because sad ska music is an oxymoron. There’s really only one kind of happy music in my collection: ska.
Recommended Tracks: “Party Down” and “Bang! The Mouse Explodes (iTunes Bonus Track)”
Best EP’s
01 - Cursive - Bad Sects
After they released Happy Hollow, Cursive decided to put up a site for their single “Bad Sects” that allowed fans to download the different parts of the song and remix it into something else. The prize for winning the contest was getting your remix put on a future single, which is where this single/EP comes from. Aside from the album version of the track, Cursive included an instrumental version. Track 3 is the winning remix, which is a danceable, electronica version of an otherwise slow song. And they topped off the EP with a string quartet arrangement of the track, which I think is a pretty cool idea. I’ve always enjoyed hearing this type of music played by a string quartet. It also must be a popular idea when you look at the sheer amount of string quartet tributes out there. But I digress. It’s a great song to begin with and throwing in the different version just adds to that.
Recommended Tracks: Uhhh… “Bad Sects” in whichever form you’re interested in.
02 – V/A - Yo! Indie Rock Raps (Warped Tour EP Edition)
This album was originally planned to be released as a full length. It features various punk acts performing rap/hip hop songs. Unfortunately, the project was scrapped because of copyright issues. Fortunately, some of the songs made it to the public in the form of this Warped Tour exclusive EP. You get Just Surrender’s cover of SexyBack (Justin Timberlake), Lorene Drive covering Hey Ya (OutKast), and Hot Rod Circuit covering Gin and Juice (Snoop Dogg), among others. For those of you who enjoy these, fret not, Fearless Records has salvaged what songs they could from this scrapped album and they will be releasing their next entry into the “Punk Goes ____” series later this year. It will be titled, appropriately enough, “Punk Goes Crunk”.
Recommended Tracks: Lorene Drive – “Hey Ya” and Just Surrender – “SexyBack”.
03 – Owen/The City On Film – Split
Owen is the masterful indie band of Mike Kinsella, formerly of a million other Chicago based bands. Mike Kinsella is an incredible musician, as is Bob Nanna, formerly of Braid and Hey Mercedes, and now of The City On Film. This isn’t the first time Bob has worked with a Kinsella, because they tend to keep things pretty incestuous in that scene. Nonetheless, Owen contributes a re-recorded demo track from his last full length and a new track. The re-recorded demo, “Good Friends, Bad Habits”, features witty wordplay and obscure references and is overall a pretty good track. Despite the fact that I’ve adored Owen and Mike Kinsella for a very long time, his second track, “Top Shelf”, is sub-par. In the past, he’s produced some of the most beautiful, haunting, horny, and wonderful songs. But this song is just an esoteric mess. Needless to say, not many people can relate to driving to your dad’s funeral with your older brother, listening to The Cure on the radio. The City On Film tracks are the usual fare for them: mellow, indie music.
Recommended Tracks: The City On Film – “Fahrenheit 451” and Owen – “Good Friends, Bad Habits”
04 – Blackpool Lights – Tour EP
I like the Blackpool Lights. I don’t like many new bands, but I do like them. Perhaps it’s because their lead singer, Jim Suptic, used to be in The Get Up Kids and I love The Get Up Kids. Their full length, This Town’s Disaster, was somewhere between pop punk and Get Up Kids style emo. On this Tour EP (which is available through the web-store, go figure), the Blackpool Lights give us two album tracks from their full length, a cover song (“Starry Eyes” by The Records), and acoustic versions of two of their full length songs, including their single “Empty Tank”. It’s not a record I would start with if you haven’t listened to them before, but for anyone who is a fan, it’s sure to please.
Recommended Tracks: “Empty Tank (Acoustic)” and “Cursed By Yourself”
05 – Boys Night Out – Fifty Million People Can’t Be Wrong
I guess this technically shouldn’t be on this list since it’s far from being a good EP. Despite its flaws, and there are many, it was still one of the better EP’s released in 2007. The first two tracks are taken from their eponymous full length (which is in the top ten up there), including “Hey Thanks”, which is a recommended download. The last three tracks on the EP are re-recordings of songs that were on their debut EP, Broken Bones and Bloody Kisses. Some of the songs had already been re-recorded before, so Boys Night Out attempted to make them more interesting/fresh by changing them up. Unfortunately, the end result is that they butchered their old songs that were perfect to start with. Newer fans will probably enjoy the new versions of the old songs because they’re much more melodic but older fans will have a bitter taste left in their mouths.
Recommended Tracks: “Hey, Thanks” and “Sketch Artist Composite”
Best B-Sides
01 – Brand New – (fork and knife)
This is a digital only release that can be downloaded from iTunes, Rhapsody, and Amazon, among others. Brand New decided to re-record “Untitled 7” from their previously leaked demos for The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me. The melody and piano/keyboard on this song are great and the added verse fills out the song perfectly. Even people that aren’t fans of Brand New should appreciate this song.
02 – Jimmy Eat World – Be Sensible
Lots of fans complained when this track (first heard on the leaked Chase This Light demos) didn’t make the actual album. They had good reason to complain; this song is better than most of the songs that did make the album. A finished version of the song was released as a bonus track on import copies of the album. If you liked Chase This Light, you’ll love this song.
03 – Rufio – Above Me (Acoustic)
After six years of playing together, the band finally had creative differences and decided that it’d be best for them to break up. As a farewell to fans, they sold a tour only 7” on that final tour. The 7” had this acoustic version of Above Me, which was the first track on their debut full length, Perhaps, I Suppose… It’s a great song and playing it acoustic definitely makes it sound unique. RIP Rufio. Now if I could just get my hands on one of those 7”s.
04 – Jawbreaker – I Love You So Much It’s Killing Us Both (Demo)
This track was released on the compilation For Callum, which is a benefit compilation for the infant son of record producer and Jawbox singer/bassist J. Robbins. Callum was recently diagnosed with spinal muscular atrophy, an incurable nerve disorder. All proceeds from the album go to his medical care. So not only is it an unreleased Jawbreaker track, but it’s for a good cause. The song itself is amazing, because it’s Jawbreaker. The demo version differs from the album version in its chorus. Prior to its release, fans could only hear the demo chorus on live recordings and bootlegs. Rather than the chorus being “If you can't be the life of the party, you'll be the death of everyone. All I want is a life without parties. Want you as one.” it is instead, "We're so close, it's scaring me. We're so tight, we're enemies. We're so wrong, it's scandalous. We're so fucked, just hold me." The instrumentation is also slightly different. Even if you’ve never heard Jawbreaker, buy this track and bask in their indie rock greatness.
05 – Against Me! – New Wave (Acoustic)
This was released as part of the Trash Unreal EP, a digital release available on iTunes. The song is the same as the album version, except it’s played on an acoustic guitar. The song itself is catchy and is one of the best off of New Wave. Maybe I’m a sucker for anything acoustic.
06 – Vanilla Sky – Umbrella (Rihanna)
2007 was obviously the year for "Umbrella" covers. Everyone covered this song from the Plain White T’s to Mandy Moore to Tegan & Sara. Vanilla Sky, a band from Italy, delivers arguably the best cover with a punk version of the song. If that weren’t enough, they also made a video for it, which you can check out on YouTube. It’s highly amusing. You can also tell that they don’t really speak English and sing the song phonetically, given their pronunciation of certain words.
07 – Owen – A Fever Analog
This was released an import bonus track for his latest full length, At Home with Owen. It also made it into his Daytrotter Session and can be downloaded for free from there. I’m still biased when it comes to Owen. But any song that starts with the lyric “I fucked a fever in you” has to be good, right?
08 – Say Anything - Got Your Money (Ol’ Dirty Bastard)
Another track salvaged from Yo! Indie Rock Raps that didn’t make it onto the Warped Tour EP Edition. This track is more funny than talented and its worth listening to just for Max Bemis’ antics.
Albums That Weren’t Really New Albums (But Are Still Worthwhile)
01 – Further Seems Forever – The Final Curtain
Further Seems Forever finally broke up, after going through singers as often as people change their underwear. In my opinion, Chris Carrabba (now of Dashboard Confessional) was the best singer for the group and pretty much all of the material they produced after their debut full length, The Moon Is Down, sucked. This album is a compilation of their final live show, where they play songs from all of their releases, and some of the rarities the band has produced over the years. I’m not a fan of the acoustic versions of songs from the Jon Bunch era. I’m not at all interested in a cover of “Pagan Poetry” originally by Bjork. But this compilation is worth it for the Carrabba songs alone. It includes the complete recording sessions from the band's debut EP, From The 27th State. Those recording sessions include demo versions of songs that later made it onto The Moon Is Down. Also included are three other demos from The Moon Is Down, all sung by Carrabba way back when.
Recommended Tracks: “Pictures of Shorelines (Demo)” and “The Bradley (Demo)”
02 - The New Amsterdams - Killed or Cured
Back in 2005 and 2006, The New Amsterdams released a full length album entitled “Killed Or Cured” for free on the internet. The lyrics were personal and had been written by Matt Pryor just after The Get Up Kids broke up. The songs were acoustic, folky and lo-fi. After several years, The New Amsterdams decided to give Killed Or Cured a proper release, so they re-recorded the entire album with a full band. Killed Or Cured was then re-released as a 2xCD, with the first CD being “Killed” and containing the first versions of the songs and the second CD being “Cured” and containing the re-recordings of all of the songs. If you’re a fan of The Get Up Kids or of indie-folk music in general, check this album out.
Recommended Tracks: “Watch The World Cave In” and “Drinking In The Afternoon”
03 – NOFX – They’ve Gotten Even Worse Live!
NOFX provides us with a sequel to their first live album (“I Heard They Suck Live!!”) released in 1995. This time around they made sure they didn’t play any of the songs from that first live album. They’re in full form for this album meaning they are completely wasted. It’s filled with witty, drunken banter and barbed exchanges with the crowd. Some of the lyrics have been changed to reference more modern things (including a shot at My Chemical Romance) and more importantly, we get a good quality version of rarities like “I Wanna Be An Alcoholic.” It also includes an unreleased intro track, an electric version of “You’re Wrong”, an electric version of “Scavenger Type”, an electric/punk version of “Whoops, I OD’d”, and a different version of “Murder The Government”. However, there is one thing that pissed off virtually everybody who bought this album. NOFX starts playing The Decline at the end of the last track, “Stickin’ In My Eye”, and then it fades out. Considering that The Decline is universally recognized as their best song and that they had played the song in its entirety (all 18+ minutes) at every show on that tour, there is absolutely no reason for them to have excluded it. Also, don’t be fooled by its 24 track length, as many of the songs are taken from the Surfer 7” and the Fuck The Kids 7” and aren’t longer than a minute.
Recommended Tracks: “You’re Wrong” and “Whoops, I OD’d”
04 – Cursive – Rhapsody Originals
It’s not really an actual release but Cursive sat down with the gang at Rhapsody and recorded an exclusive session. What makes this different from any other session is that they performed the songs acoustically. Acoustic Cursive songs aren’t all that common, so it’s gladly consumed when they are available. The tracks are all taken from their latest full length, Happy Hollow. I would recommend that you listen to that first so you can hear the songs in full form. But if you’re a fan, these stripped down versions are a great addition to your collection.
Recommended Tracks: “Rise Up! Rise Up! (Acoustic)” and “Dorothy Dreams of Tornadoes (Acoustic)”
05 – Rivers Cuomo – Alone: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo
A compilation of songs that Rivers has recorded over the many years he’s been in Weezer. Included are several covers by artists like Gregg Alexander, Ice Cube, and Dion. There’s an early version of the Weezer song “Buddy Holly”. This album also contains several songs from the Weezer project, Songs From The Black Hole, which was a concept album that was originally written between The Blue Album and Pinkerton. Several of the songs from SFTBH ended up on Pinkerton. It’s nice to finally have good quality versions of those songs, even if SFTBH never sees the light of day.
Recommended Tracks: “Buddy Holly” and “Who You Callin' Bitch?"
06 – Thursday – Kill The House Lights
Victory Records sucks. They’re greedy and like to fuck their artists out of royalties. There’s a reason that many past Victory bands like Hawthorne Heights and Taking Back Sunday are currently (or were at some point) involved in lawsuits against Victory Records. So when they announced that they were going to release a Thursday album that put together a bunch of rarities, demos, and unreleased tracks, people were skeptical. But they pulled it off amazingly well. This album is perfect mix of demos (including some from their Victory debut, Full Collapse), live tracks, and new songs. It showcases Thursday at their best. They even got Tim Kasher (of Cursive) to sing on one of the tracks. If you’re into screaming, aggressive music or you’re a Thursday fan, you will not be disappointed.
Recommended Tracks: “Ladies and Gentlemen: My Brother, the Failure (ft. Tim Kasher)” and “Paris In Flames (Demo)”
07 – Time Spent Driving – I’m Your Stab In The Back
Time Spent Driving is one of those bands that plays the same kind of music as their peers (in this case emo) yet they never get popular, or recognized for that matter. Their music wasn’t always the most upbeat and admittedly, there were songs that were just boring. But it was still pretty good stuff, in the vein of Brandtson and other Deep Elm emo. After years of never gaining any attention, they finally decided to break up. That’s where this album, their final release, came from. It includes seven unreleased tracks that were their last studio recordings, as well as eleven unreleased, acoustic, live, and demo versions of their older songs. It’s definitely smooth mood music that should be checked out by anybody that’s into that sort of thing.
Recommended Tracks: “Plastic Crown (Acoustic)” and “Sleep and Matchbooks (Demo)”
08 - Anti-Flag - A Benefit For Victims Of Violent Crime
As the title indicates, all of the proceeds from this EP are donated to a charity for victims of violent crime. Anti-Flag, despite being one of the biggest sell-outs of all time, still delivers political punk with lots of whoas thrown in. This EP puts together some live tracks taken from their past releases, including their most recent, For Blood And Empire, and their last full length on Fat Wreck Chords, The Terror State. Aside from a few, very brief interludes that were recorded for this EP, the rest of the songs are bonus tracks from their RCA debut album and latest release, For Blood And Empire. “No Paradise” was the iTunes Bonus Track, Marc Defiant was found only on the vinyl release and the other tracks were all released on different import versions of the album. It’s nice to have all of the bonus tracks compiled here on one EP, rather than having to purchase the album five different times. Though the irony of having a track called “Corporate Rock Still Sucks” does not escape me.
Recommended Tracks: “No Paradise” and “Turncoat (Live)”
09 – Dashboard Confessional – The Wire Tapes, Vol. 1
Originally a tour only EP, it was also sold though their web-store. This album is full of covers of bands ranging from Grade to Weezer. I always joked that I thought this should be called “From The Scene To Your Stereo”. This is a pretty random release that came out of nowhere. I guess Chris Carrabba and some friends decided that it would be a fun thing to do for his tour. I never thought I’d hear Dashboard Confessional covering Grade, a hardcore band. Though Chris’ voice is definitely not suited for it and sounds strained at times. He covers “Pretty Pathetic” by the Smoking Popes as well, though the piano version that The Ataris did a year or two ago is still the best cover.
Recommended Tracks: “El Scorcho (Weezer)” and “A Year In The Past, Forever In The Future (Grade)”
Music That I Should Have Listened To, But Didn’t
01 - Say Anything - In Defense of the Genre
Lots of people love this band and this album. It’s got plenty of tracks (27) for you to choose from and lots of people worked on it. Some of the guest appearances are Adam Lazzara and Fred Mascherino from Taking Back Sunday, Hayley Williams from Paramore, Chris Carrabba from Dashboard Confessional, Chris Conley from Saves The Day, Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance, Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio, and Jordan Pundik and Chad Gilbert from New Found Glory. It sounds enticing enough and I think I can get over Max Bemis’ voice; I just didn’t get around to listening to it.
02 - Tim Kinsella - Field Recordings of Dreams
Greatest feud of the last year? Tim Kinsella vs. Max Bemis. Tim said all the shitty bands that are out right now should break up immediately for the sake of art. Max posted a blog entry and called Tim a pretentious jerk. Anyway, I have an affinity for most things Kinsella. When I have a desire to hear Tim screech like a dying cat, I’ll listen to this album.
03 - Maritime - Heresy and the Hotel Choir
Davey von Bohlen used to be in The Promise Ring, now he’s in Maritime. This is indie pop stuff. Very light, smooth, and fluffy. I just didn’t get around to listening to their latest effort.
04 - An Angle - The Truth Is That You Are Alive
I have heard good things about this band. The only things I know are that they’re on Drive Thru Records and they have piano in their music. Guess I should make more time for new bands.
05 - The Color Fred - Bend To Break
The Color Fred is the new band of former Taking Back Sunday guitarist/back-up vocalist Fred Mascherino. During his time with TBS his voice always sounded strained and, well, bad. That’s because they wanted to please fans and Fred was trying entirely too hard to sound like John Nolan. Except that Fred can’t sound like John because Fred’s voice is inherently smoother whereas John naturally sounded like a belt sander. Fred’s always been a great guitarists; now his vocals get a chance to shine too.
06 - The New Amsterdams - At the Foot of My Rival
I like The New Amsterdams; just didn’t get around to it.
07 - The Receiving End of Sirens - The Earth Sings Mi Fa Mi
I really enjoyed The Receiving End of Sirens’ debut full length, Between The Heart and The Synapse. Since then, however, they’ve lost primary singer/songwriter Casey Crescenzo, who is now with The Dear Hunter. Just looking at the track lengths for this album already tells me that they’re still suffering from the problem that plagued that first release. They need to learn brevity. Only three of the twelve songs are under four minutes long.
08 - Manchester Orchestra - I'm Like a Virgin Losing Child
Another band I’ve heard wonderful things about. I saw them live with Brand New and the show itself was incredible. I don’t know if it was so much them as it was the collaboration between Kevin Devine, Brand New, and them.
09 - Chuck Ragan – The Blueprint Sessions
It’s Chuck Ragan! From Hot Water Music! This is acoustic, bluesy, and folksy. If you like Hot Water Music, you’ll obviously love Chuck Ragan’s solo music. Sounds a bit like Against Me! too. I listened to some of these songs when they came to me via the 7” of the Month club, but not the collection in its entirety. He’s since released another full length.
10 - Funeral For A Friend - Tales Don’t Tell Themselves
Lots of concept albums out there. This one sounds interesting enough. It’s about fear of the ocean and a fisherman being lost at sea, or something like that. The first single, “Into Oblivion (Reunion)”, draws you in. I didn’t get past that first track, though. I later heard another single, “Walk Away”, when they played the video on Fuse. That song seemed boring as hell.
11 - Dustin Kensrue - Please Come Home
It’s Dustin Kensrue! From Thrice! This is acoustic, bluesy, and folksy. From what I’ve heard, this is much different from Thrice, but people say good things.
Albums That I Listened To, But Shouldn’t Have (Worst Albums)
01 - The Ataris - Welcome The Night
I love The Ataris…I would even say I’m a fan. It was Blue Skies, Broken Hearts, Next 12 Exits… that first got me into this kind of music. With that said, this album is horrible. I think that most of the fault for this lies with Kris Roe, though I do feel sorry for him. First mistake: he kicked everyone else out of the band and then got 8 new guys who played various instruments. Second mistake: he got fucked up on PCP somewhere in Europe and found God while lying in a gutter. Third mistake: he decided that The Ataris should no longer make pop punk music but should instead sound like all of his favorite bands like My Bloody Valentine. His voice sounds awful and terribly out of range. It sounds like The Ataris trying to be The Killers. This album tanked, of course, and Kris Roe has since had to sell off most of his possessions, including the gold record he received from the RIAA from when So Long Astoria went gold. He’s also said that the next album is going to sound more like early Ataris records. Good idea.
02 - Cobra Starship - Viva La Cobra!
I get it; it’s supposed to be fun party music. Just like Hellogoodbye. And just like them, what comes out is a horribly inane, immature mess. There isn’t much talent to be found anywhere on this album. The lyrics are borderline retarded (“Party queens, if you wanna be seen/Take a shit where you sleep and smile real wide/For the pop, pop, pop, pop, paparazzi/Pop, pop, pop, pop, paparazzi everywhere”). And from seeing them live, you can tell that Gabe can’t hit the notes that he sings on the album. Hello, Autotune. Goodbye, talent.
03 - Taking Back Sunday – Notes From The Past
It’s not that this album is bad because the songs on it are bad. In fact, most of the songs on this album are incredible…as incredible as when I first heard them, when they were first released, nearly six years ago. This album is so blatantly a cash-grab by Victory Records that it’s disgusting. There are no new tracks on this “b-sides compilation.” It’s got songs from TBS’ first two full lengths and two bonus tracks that were readily available before this. In fact, they were on the re-release of Tell All Your Friends. Go Victory Records! Go download Tell All Your Friends and bask in its glory. Then pray to the music gods that John Nolan comes to his senses and steps back into the place vacated by Fred and they commence rocking our faces off again.
04 - Angels & Airwaves – I-Empire
I don’t think it’s possible for Tom Delonge to talk this project of his up any more than he already has. According to him, this band and album are going to change the face of music. It might not do it right away, but decades from now, this is going to define our generation. Somebody get this nutjob on meds. Dear Tom, you played for many years in Blink 182 writing songs like “I Want To Fuck A Dog In The Ass ” and “When You Fucked Grandpa”. For better or worse, I think you’ve already made your impact on the music scene.
05 - Good Charlotte – Good Morning Revival
I actually liked the single “The River”, at least until they had the guy from Avenged Sevenfold sing a verse. And then you listen to the rest of the album and realize that they’re still Good Charlotte, with lyrics like “I got brass knuckles hanging from my neck on a chain” (from the magnificently awful “Keep Your Hands Off My Girl”).
06 - The Almost – Southern Weather
This is the drummer from Underoath’s side project. I don’t like Underoath. Whereas they are Christian hardcore, The Almost is more straight forward rock. They tried to make the single, “Say This Sooner”, catchy but after hearing just the first verse and chorus, it’s clear that Aaron can’t really sing. His stage presence is also ridiculously bad. I guess he’s so used to being behind the drum kit that he doesn’t know how to act with a mic. The end result is that he prances around and tries really hard to act like Adam Lazzarra.
07 - Fall Out Boy - Infinity On High
Oh, Pete Wentz, how I loathe thee. You fucking worthless camera whore. You can’t sing. You can’t even really play bass. You’re kind of like Sid Vicious from the Pistols in that regard. Maybe you’ll kill Ashlee and overdose and finally (successfully) kill yourself? Who knows? Everybody knows Patrick has all the talent. Still, this album lacks. I’ll admit it, From Under The Cork Tree, albeit corporate pop punk (emo? HA!) to the extreme, was an extremely catchy album. But all of the songs on this new one sound exactly the same. On the one song that comes to mind where you tried to be different (“This Ain’t A Scene”), you sound ridiculous trying to be black (“bidness”). Unfortunately for this generation and for this scene as a whole, you will continue to reign supreme over this new breed of pop punkers. If I wanted to listen to vocals I couldn’t understand, I’d put on some Cocteau Twins.
08 – Emery – I’m Only A Man
Yeah, Emery was never really amazingly original. They cashed in on the whole screamo thing as it got more popular. But if you listen to their first full length, The Weak’s End, you’ll hear strong songs with great lyrics. This album, however, is a much poorer showing. Infinitely lame song titles (“Party Song”, “Rock-N-Rule”, “Don't Bore Us, Get To The Chorus”) just have to make you laugh. What really gets me is their not-so-subtle approach to their religion on this album. Emery has always been a Christian band. They’re on Tooth & Nail for God’s sake (get it?). But their lyrics were always vague enough before that Christians could interpret them as religious and other people could just enjoy the songs as relationship songs. Unfortunately, with the song “You Think You're Nickel Slick (But I Got Your Penny Change)”, they take a stand against lust and abortion. I really don’t want to be preached to in my music.
09 – Dashboard Confessional – The Shade of Poison Trees
Shocker! Me putting a Dashboard album on the Worst Albums list? Who would have thought? Especially after how much I just spent acquiring this album on every color vinyl. So many things went wrong with this record. First, it was marketed as a “return to the old Dashboard albums” and an “acoustic” album. Chris had always promised us fans that he would make another acoustic album. I remember reading a press release from Vagrant Records saying that this record is a solo acoustic album. Well, it is not. It’s not solo at all; in fact, it’s the same exact Dashboard Confessional that put out Dusk And Summer. And when they said it was an acoustic album, they didn’t mean that it was JUST acoustic, like the old albums, they meant that they simply swapped out the electric guitars for acoustic guitars. There is still plenty of bass and drums to turn these songs into full songs. I wasn’t the only one under the impression that this record was going to be like The Swiss Army Romance. I’ve read multiple people saying the same exact thing. Aside from that monumental disappointment, this album is just outright not good. The two singles “Where There’s Gold…” and “Thick As Thieves” are probably the strongest tracks on this album, and they come way too early in the record (the first two tracks). Once you get passed those, this album falls flat on its face. The lyrics are nowhere near the caliber that Chris is capable of writing and the instrumentation is boring. Halfway through the album, I found myself wondering whether it was almost over. I had been bombarded by songs with absolutely no hooks and silly lyrics and they dragged on and on. There is one track towards the end that is somewhat enjoyable (“Matters Of Blood And Connection”) but by the time you get there, you’re so sick of the album that it doesn’t matter. Lyrics like “fever dreams can only haunt you until the fever breaks” and “I light my own fires now” make me cringe. Chris, why have you forsaken us?
Albums From 2006 That I'm Still Obsessed With
1. Cursive – Happy Hollow
2. Brand New - The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me
3. Taking Back Sunday – Louder Now
4. Pistolita - Oliver Under The Moon
5. Brandtson – Hello, Control
6. Blackpool Lights - This Town’s Disaster
7. New Found Glory - Coming Home
8. NOFX - Wolves In Wolves Clothing
9. Dashboard Confessional - Dusk And Summer
10. The Dear Hunter - Act I: The Lake South, The River North
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| Monday, January 21st, 2008
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4:17 pm - Rocking Out With My Caucus Out
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I was hesitant to go to a caucus. All of the commercials I had seen on TV and all of the mailers I had gotten had said it was simple, easy, and took less than an hour. I even called them to ask about the format and ask whether I needed to bring anything. They said I didn't even need to bring my driver's license, though no one could tell me what the format was or how things worked.
The morning arrived and my mom and I went to participate in our democracy. I, being completely anal-retentive, decided to bring my voter registration card anyway, despite being told that I didn't need anything. When I got to the school, there was one volunteer trying to help people figure out, according to a small map that had been printed out, which precinct they were in. Each precinct was gathered in a different area of the school. Thankfully, I pulled out my voter card and found my precinct easily. We were in the cafeteria. The lines to register were long. People were constantly being turned away because they were in the wrong line and were supposed to be in line for a different precinct. We asked a volunteer if there was more than one line, as there were two separate lines and three pieces of paper taped to the front of the table, dividing the alphabet in thirds. He said that there were two lines, but really only one line, and we were fine where we were. Basically, he had no fucking idea what was going on. My mom was speaking to an older black woman in front of us about how confusing everything was. This older woman had also dragged HER mother out to the caucus. Her 90+ year old mother who sat in the wheelchair and barely looked conscious. At one point, a volunteer from the Hillary campaign came around with stickers. My mom asked for one and put it on her jacket. The black people in front of us then quit speaking to us. I wonder why...
After getting our paper ballot, we were told to sit down at any of the tables. This was also outright wrong, as the tables were also divided according to precinct and candidate. Later, they ran out of paper ballots entirely. They then tore lined paper in half and told people to write their candidate on it. There were two precincts in the cafeteria, so you desperately try to listen to the head of your precinct while the other one is yelling to his precinct. Neither had a megaphone or a microphone.
Their super-scientific way of determining the total number of caucus attendees was to have everyone hold up their hand and then go from one side of the room to the other, with each person calling out the next number and putting their hand down. Except we weren't in a straight line and people were still walking in. Once the total number of people was figured out (107), we divided into candidate groups. We sat around while the volunteers/leaders tried to figure out what to do. Each group was checked for "viability", whether the candidate had enough caucus attendees to support them. The three groups at the start were Clinton, Obama, and Edwards. Edwards had virtually nobody there for him, so the few people who were sitting at that table got up during realignment and walked over to join the Obama group. Across the cafeteria, you could hear the other precinct making a ruckus because each candidate group was trying to recruit these third party supporters who no longer had a viable candidate. We were then told to fill out our ballots.
The ballots were very clear. The main side was red and the realignment side was blue. You were to only mark a second candidate on the blue side if you realigned. Otherwise, you were fine marking your viable candidate on the red, main side. At this point, the volunteers/leaders started telling people to check their candidate of choice on BOTH sides of the ballot. If you supported Clinton, mark it on both the red and the blue sides. I sat there for a moment and then interrupted them and told them they were wrong. They insisted and I insisted. Finally, they realized they were wrong and told people to mark only one side. They then went back to bickering among themselves to figure out how to count each candidate's supporters. At this point, an older woman sitting at the table next to me, turned to me and said "You sound like you know what's going on" and she asked me a question about the caucus. This happened again later on with another woman. At this point I am beginning to wonder whether these volunteers really went through training.
The other precinct in the cafeteria had collected the ballots AND counted off the supporter's as they went. Our leaders decided to do it differently. They collected everybody's ballots and then decided to count. They tried to count but were completely confused. At this point, the older woman who had asked me a question got up and started to count everybody by hand. She wasn't even a volunteer. One of the caucus attendees had assumed she was a teacher, though she turned out to be a cocktail waitress. I later heard that one of the ties across the valley was settled by drawing playing cards. What a wonderful city. But I digress. She counted the number of supporters and someone else counted ballots. Hillary won our precinct by a vote of 56 to 51. We cheered and then we went through another 15 minutes of mind boggling confusion as we tried to nominate/elect delegates. Someone asked the volunteers/leaders when the convention was, they replied, "I don't know." We eventually got enough volunteers to have 5 delegates for Hillary (4 for Obama) and enough alternates for each. We were finally told we could leave.
I would later find out that Hillary had won the state's popular "vote" by 51% to Obama's 45%. Despite this, Obama won more delegates. This was contradicted multiple times by different news' sources. The final result is that they are calling it a victory for Clinton, but Obama still got more delegates. Perhaps someone can explain that to me. As if it isn't bad enough that we still have the Electoral College in existence to fuck us every four years, but now we're caucusing the same way? Last time I checked, when a candidate wins the majority (not even a plurality), they win the election, caucus, or whatever. That means the greatest number of people supported that candidate. Why in God's name would you give more delegates to a candidate that received less votes? Now we get to delve into a horribly flawed system that includes superdelegates. Fun fact: Bill Clinton is a superdelegate. What a shocker, he's pledged to vote for his wife. Even though Hillary got more votes, Obama got more delegates at the county convention. This of course differs from the national convention. Either way, we are reliving the 2000 presidential election all over again. Hillary didn't actually win, regardless of what bold-face type headlines you might read. That's a fantastic way to encourage people to NOT participate. How can I possibly believe that my vote truly matters when the system is still awarding delegates to the loser of the popular vote?
P.S. Voting for a black presidential candidate just because he's black is BULLSHIT. What does Obama have experience on? How can you truly believe that he is the only candidate capable of changing the system? How can you believe that ANY candidate, from either party, can truly change the system? Obama may be a "charismatic" candidate because he's a fresh face and he may not look jaded by the political system yet, but if there is one thing I have learned in my political science classes, it's that charismatic leaders rarely, if ever, are able to deliver on their promises.
P.P.S. Why can't we just have a PRIMARY ELECTION like quite a few states do? Every single person that the media interviewed and every single person I talked to agreed: the caucus was a fucked up mess. No one knew what they were doing and the volunteers couldn't figure anything out. Wouldn't it be much easier to just bring people in and let them vote like they normally would? Then you take the candidate who received the most votes and you award them delegates proportionally like you're supposed to. Too common sense for the bureaucracy, eh?
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 5th, 2008
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10:39 pm - Overly Dramatic
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From my quiver, I plucked an arrow
I took aim and fired at you with my bow
but my arrow missed its mark.
(I was aiming for your heart)
and I regretfully caused insult.
Perhaps these miles are the result.
In the cold winter, do you ever think of me
and all those romantic words I spit out awkwardly?
Those feelings are still true
I honestly care about you
Some of those things I said came out wrong
but listen to that mix and feel the truth in those songs.
I'd apologize to you until the world came to an end
if it meant that I could see your beautiful face once again
I know what I once said, and I know it wasn't true
I would want to spend my all my time with you
You came into my web and you lied down on my bed
But I never confessed the thoughts that were caught inside my head.
I believe that you deserve to be truly happy
even if your future doesn't involve me
I'm still betting you'll find it in the last place you look
Hidden secretly, alongside the piece of me that you took
Does he gently caress your cheek or rub your feet after a long day?
Is he loyal and honest? Does he promise not to stray?
Does he love and care about you like you know I would?
Does he make you feel like both a queen and an equal, like any lover should?
It's fairly safe to say that I am a lot of things
a hopeless romantic, sometimes melancholy, sometimes charming
overly dramatic, sometimes wrong, sometimes right
In the sky at night, you're the star that burns bright.
Maybe it's hopeless, maybe I never stood a chance
Maybe I'm not who you're looking for to share a torrid romance.
Just to let you know, you were worth every second glance.
(May I have this dance?)
Getting things right has been my problem all along
Who's to say that I didn't get this wrong?
In the end it doesn't matter if I am sincere
This is the last word, another you won't hear.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
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3:44 pm - Purging
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I was thinking about writing another one of those "Dear You" type entries but then I realized a couple of things. Virtually nobody reads this. I don't really have the time. Most of the shit I have to say is so outdated and irrelevant that it's not worth typing let alone reading.
Isn't the world a sad place when you are completely shocked when you run into a nice person? People are normally so horrible and selfish that to actually speak with a complete stranger in an amicable manner is amazing. It's a shame they're a dying breed.
I don't think many people are as in control of themselves as they try to pretend that they are. I think a lot of people have issues. I think as a society we're getting sicker and more diseased. I think industrialization and the development of society may have destroyed natural evolution. Even if you see a "happy" marriage, most of the times there is probably something deeper. One spouse probably cheated on the other and that other had to forgive. Or they really don't like each other at all, let alone love one another. Or they're together for the kids. Or they're blinding themselves with naivety or some kind of chemical. Maybe all relationships in life come down to some element of settling. Which brings me to my next point...
How fucked are we? We are completely set up to be miserable in our lives. We actually think that we'll end up in a fun or fulfilling job. Our goals involve princes and princesses. Every kind of media shoves these overwhelming love stories into our faces and we come to expect nothing less. We need and want earth shattering, whirlwind romance. We expect happy and healthy relationships because that's how every movie ends. Even if you think you're "above that" because you're capable of recognizing the brainwashing, it doesn't matter. You're still a victim to it. Being aware of it doesn't make you immune to it. Guys read magazines that have pictures of hot chicks wearing next to nothing. Girls read magazines that have pictures of gorgeous girls that they feel they have to live up to. But not every guy has the rugged good looks of George Clooney and not every girl has the body of Jessica Alba. So aren't we doomed to be disappointed? Most guys don't have the body or the looks and neither do most girls. But that's what we come to associate with true beauty. We can't be satisfied with our mates because every time we turn on the TV, we see someone thinner and prettier.
You have the typical Disney fare. There are no complications and the two lead characters, who are gorgeous, fall in love and live happily ever after. We are raised on that as children so by the time we get to our own relationships and something goes wrong, we have absolutely no clue how to react. Nothing was supposed to go wrong.
Then you have the typical fare for the older audience. The two lead characters, who are still gorgeous, have an amazing connection and they get together. Then something bad happens, like one of them has an "indiscretion", and they split. Then they realize that they're meant for each other and they get over their little fight and live happily ever after.
How about the teenage love movies? Think of movies like "Trojan War" and "Snow Day." You have the lead male, who is supposed to be unpopular/a dork, yet he's still not bad looking. He is pining endless for the head cheerleader/queen of the school. She's absolutely gorgeous and completely superficial. Over the course of the movie, he does everything in his power to win over the girl. Sometimes he actually does win her, at which point he realizes he doesn't really want her because she's so shallow. He then has an epiphany and finds that he's been in love with his female best friend, who is equally (if not more) attractive than the female lead yet has been dressed down to look ordinary until the end.
None of these are realistic. I just think it's awful that there's no way to avoid what has been ingrained since birth. We expect destiny and we get much less. We are miserable.
As far as real life, isn't it amazing all the stupid things that love and infatuation make you do? You're willing to abandon yourself just to pursue someone who you're not even sure likes you. You will throw yourself at their feet in hopes of being crushed. You will disregard everything you need as a human being just to make the other person happy or make the other person notice you. Sometimes we do creepy shit. They show that in the movies too. You find the anklet worn by your dream girl so you carry it around with you everywhere and even stop to, *ahem*, sniff it. Even if it's a complete stranger, somehow infatuation makes it ok to act like a stalker. The dream girl writes a phone number on your hand so you cover your hand with a Ziploc bag every time you shower just to keep the writing intact. It's fantastic how close being in love is to being schizophrenic and how close infatuation is to being utterly insane. It is just like faith in that it makes us completely disregard logic and reason. You can gaze at a gorgeous girl in hopes that she makes eye contact with you. Even if you know that she has a boyfriend and they've been together for years and they're probably pretty close to being married, you still hope. You look for that faint smile to show through. You look for some recognition that she views you differently than the rest of the people in the room. But what logical hope can you really have? That girl will never be yours. So why even sit there and debate about what that smirk meant? Was that a wink or a blink? Why do we spend so much time worrying about what that one person meant with a certain word in a note? That is why infatuation is so great. Unlike hope in real life, infatuated hope doesn't need anything tangible to sustain it. You can feast on little things that you interpret to be in your favor. Was that a small glance out of the corner of her eye? You bet it was! My god, she's going to dump her boyfriend (who looks like Brad Pitt) to go out with a complete stranger! Score! You don't need anything real to affirm your hope. You can imagine everything. Are these imaginary love affairs bad things? Sure, you'll probably never get the girl. You'll pine away for something you can never have. But is obtaining that person really necessary? Or is that little bit of ridiculous hope that you feel when they accidentally brush your hand with theirs enough to make the whole enterprise worthwhile? Maybe they are bad though. Maybe you're setting yourself up for more disappointment. You spend so much time in your daydreams that you forget about the reality of the situation and despair becomes your best friend when you don't get what you want.
A couple of weeks ago, I was walking (gimping) into work in the morning. I was in sort of a hurry and I had my headphones (ear-buds?) in. In front of me was an old man handing out little tiny green Bibles that contain the Psalms and some of the New Testament. He was pretty tenacious and managed to stop me despite my autonomous appearance. He offered me a Bible and I told him I already had one that I carried around with me. He gave me a very incredulous look, so I opened my bag and pulled out the Bible. He said something about the angels shining and singing down upon me. I guess he assumed I was a saved soul. What if I use that Bible to argue against the fascists who believe in homophobia, war, hatred, and overall bigotry? Am I a heathen in saint's clothing?
I remember the time I went to a hardcore-ish show at the Huntridge (RIP) and there was a younger gentleman out front walking up and down the line trying to convince everybody that evolution was complete and utter bullshit. I like myself a good debate, the doors hadn't opened so I had time, and I figured he was bound to benefit more from talking to me than from talking to any of the other apathetic pierced and tattooed rockers. I demolished him in the debate for about half an hour. Finally, the doors to the venue opened and his only retort to my points was that he "just didn't believe that." I don't remember his exact reasoning, but it had something to do with Coca Cola. I swear to God (get it?).
Then there was the other woman standing on campus trying to spread the good word for the group Jews For Jesus. My class had been cancelled, and she asked me if I had time for a spiritual survey. I've written about this before on here. The point was she told me I was a horrible person and that the only way to be saved was through her. And because I was wearing my Brand New shirt that had pictures of a mosh pit on it, she gave me a DVD about how rock n roll is the devil. By far one of the most unintentionally hilarious things I've ever watched. Definitely worth my 10 minutes (and possibly my eternal salvation.)
So is this what God really wants? Do you think God is pro-war? I never understood that. When I went to The Grotto, which is essentially a religious sanctuary, in Portland, they had a hand-carved wooden pole known as the peace pole. I like peace too, a lot. So why do Christians and other religious people consistently vote for the people who have a propensity to start wars? I was reading one my political science textbooks, studying for the exam, and it referred to the 2003 Iraq War in the past tense. That really offended me. Past tense? We're still in the desert. People are still dying every day. 2007 has been the deadliest year in Afghanistan since we invaded them in 2001.
Is God really pro-life? What about all of the people who give birth to children who they can't afford and then the children end up suffering? What about all of the news stories lately about the parents killing their children? There was one about a parent who beat their toddler to death with a hammer. So which do you think is better? Aborting a ball of cells long before it ever gets a chance to become sentient? Or letting it develop and grow until it can understand and recognize pain, and then killing it? If you think making a constitutional amendment banning abortion is going to stop all abortions, then you are painfully naive and have absolutely no business legislating. You think God would rather watch one of his children suffer and die a horrible death? Or would he rather the parents make an informed decision and accept the responsibility of not being able to raise a child properly? In the same vein, do you think God really despises stem cell research? Do you think he's worried about the destruction of human life that comes from utilizing stem cells to conduct medical research rather than tossing them into a trash can? How about the fact that every other advanced scientific country in the world is still developing stem cell research? Is God only on OUR side? Or do you think God gave you brains for a reason? Maybe we're meant for greater things. Maybe certain people are intended to be world class scientists who use stem cell research to develop a cure for some of the most horrible and crippling diseases that God himself created.
So they can hand the Bible out, but have they ever read it? Or do they just skip to their favorite passages in Leviticus about stoning homosexuals? What about the rest of that book that outlines how you're supposed to make animal sacrifices? I'm not quite sure that the Bible is one of those pick and choose kind of things. These people will tell you that you're evil or sinful, yet they miss the verses from Romans (and elsewhere) saying that they should never judge fellow man because judgment is reserved for God alone. Well, I've judged people. I have seen some of my peers do the most horrible things to themselves and to other people. I am talking about truly wicked things. But according to the lady that gave me the DVD, that doesn't matter. The level of sin has no bearing. We're all damned unless we accept her religious-centric view. What about when Jesus saved a woman from being stoned and He drew a line in the sand? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Am I to believe that this Jew for Jesus standing in front of me has never committed true evil?
God never gives you more than you can handle, huh? My mom is going in for pretty major surgery. Great. Definitely par for the course. I truly hope (and even pray) that the immunologist I'm seeing on the 20th for a follow-up to blood work sees something in my blood. I hope he knows what's killing me. He's the last stone in this long and painful path. If he doesn't figure it out, the whole thing begins again. Except this time I won't have the "luxury" of health insurance. Except this time I won't have the patience.
P.S. Waterboarding is fucking torture and you're a moron if you think otherwise. Would you want to be made to feel like you're drowning? Even if I'd never committed a crime in my life, I'd confess almost instantly the moment you tilted me back.
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| Thursday, November 1st, 2007
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4:01 pm - Crushing Emptiness
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Please. Please don't crush me. (Trust me)
I'm sorry. Please don't touch me.
It hurts in a way that I'll never be the same
And as only Blake could say,
"It's depressing what depression does to some"
You have to trust me
It's me, not you, honestly.
I do love you, know that that's true.
But there are some things where there is nothing we can do.
A best friend is vital but my world will still be blue.
They built this cross for me
and now it's my burden to bear.
I'm not happy, that's not hard to see
No one should ever have to live life so seriously.
I wouldn't blame you if you walked away from me.
I am so tired of this condition.
Life beating me into submission.
I surrender. I give up. I'm done.
The beast inside of me has finally won.
My will to live dissolved with the setting sun.
Trust me. Honestly.
It's not you. It's me.
Don't crush me. I need room to breathe.
But please don't leave.
I can't do this alone. (Maybe I can't do this at all)
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| Thursday, October 25th, 2007
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9:55 pm - hazel eyes and fireflies
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Hazel eyes and fireflies
Does your lover know about the lies?
Does he know about your devilish disguise?
Do you still feel the butterflies?
Darling, do you remember that night?
You didn't even try to put up a fight
My, the riots your lips could incite
Now that you're home, with him, is everything all right?
I could even look past your ideology
even if it wasn't accompanied by an apology
'cause my hands shake whenever you come near me
and I have a feeling I make you weak in the knees
Oh, pure and prudish preacher
are you quite certain you can teach her
about the divide between right and wrong?
Even as she's melting to this sinner's song.
She's just like Judas in her betrayal.
You must understand even piety grows stale.
It's a tale I promised not to tell
She'll be holding my hand at the Gates of Hell.
In that moment, when our lips meet
I love how the sin tastes so sweet
And we're just awful at being discreet
It's a mistake that I'd gladly repeat.
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| Thursday, September 27th, 2007
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12:22 am - Curiosity Killed Ambiguity
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| Monday, September 17th, 2007
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8:21 pm - Miles Above (Don't Sink Below)
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I may be the rubbing alcohol
on your skin that burns
But he's the scientist who's torturing
the lab rat that never learns.
I'm making everyone relive
rather than forgive
And again and again
they will pay for their sins
So is it forgiveness
Or weakness
for condoning such a kiss
for granting him bliss
by letting him live in ignorance.
a nice girl, a dear friend
hanging on by a thin thread
apparently not with you until the end
inflicting wounds that time can't mend
You call it talking,
even if it's biting.
To me it's purely mocking.
Something you should be fighting.
I wish I knew
why or how you tolerate it
something so cruel
that I can't help but hate it
He's on his soap box
screaming the "good" word to the sky
talking of girls who've been wronged
without knowing that he's the bad guy
and how long you longed
in utter disgust, I cry
I dream to bring
him crashing to his knees
like a scorpion's lethal sting
he took advantage of a need to please
A slap in the face
that you refuse to erase
he can't feel disgrace
if you don't create space
he'll think it's part of the chase
For these words of sorrow,
let me apologize.
You will always have tomorrow
don't let tears mar your bright eyes.
These people are made
of a caliber so horrid
through their mouth, they degrade
a torrential downpour so torrid
Don't let their words harm you.
You are miles above them.
Don't let his words charm you.
Detach and never look back again.
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| Monday, September 10th, 2007
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7:34 pm - Stalling Stars Never Fall
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Try to keep silent
and I'm trying to hide
bottle it all up inside
and keep it hidden next
to your heart and your pride
I answer your call
but hear nothing at all
Screaming at a brick wall
Crying as I watch the star stall
knowing that it will never fall
I'm pulling teeth
I'm solving world peace
I cured cancer in a week
But I still can't get you to speak
My heart is tipping
and beginning to spill
I need help making it over this hill
You can't make it solely on skill
This isn't a matter of having the will
It's having a hole only a person can fill
All this one-sidedness
is leaving a mark
I want to open your chest
and listen to your heart
Let me bask in the light
please don't leave me in the dark
I wish I could find all the ways to say thank you
as easily as I find the small ways to hate you
So please accept my apology
and all of my agonies and inadequacies
You're standing there, singing
And I'm the only one listening.
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| Thursday, August 30th, 2007
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7:56 pm - _______ is short for emotional
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My x-ray eyes
no clothes, no surprise
no skin, just bones
and organs
so far from home
just wait until morning
Porcelain pillars are crumbling
Do I want to know?
Do we need to know some things?
If I don't care
then why does it sting?
Can you see yourself
in that mirror?
I'm not there
I'm not anywhere
Are you reading
between the lines?
Without a sense of feeling
you hurt me sometimes.
Does anybody know
what they're doing?
Are words worth
the price we're paying?
I'm talking and explaining
but I don't know what I'm saying
The over thinking of
a rapidly beating heart
this isn't love
but I bet it'll leave its mark.
The only thing I can say
with any degree of certainty
is that I'm certainly unsure of me
Were you wrong?
Were you strong enough
to preserve the most important thing?
Entrusted to me
Looking for safety.
I can't breathe
I'm bleeding internally
Can't you see?
A line divides me
I'm sorry
I'm not a hero
I'm what you get
when you divide by zero
We're all just looking to make our way
and make all of our mistakes
Pushing barriers until they break
The risk of raising the stakes
I don't want to hurt anybody
Except for everybody I encountered yesterday
But not you, you're somebody
I don't want to tear out the stitching
Have our choices caused danger?
Would the same options be selected
if I was a complete stranger?
Don't you just want to be protected?
Thoughts I'm not willing
to entertain.
A metaphorical killing
and I'm alone again
It's just such a mess
the energy for being social
an accumulation of stress
_______ is short for emotional
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 31st, 2007
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3:00 pm - Too Much "Near Death", Too Little "Near Life"
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I am so tired. I’ve been having a lot of trouble breathing lately. I also had two of my near death episodes within a week of each other. They seem to be coming much more frequently. It doesn’t help that it is the scariest thing I have ever felt in my entire life and once I feel even the slightest bit of faintness, I start to panic. I told the pain management PA yesterday and she didn’t seem concerned at all. None of it would be a problem if they could just diagnose me and fix me. I had no where near this level of anxiety before I got sick. I had asthma, but not trouble breathing like this. Ever actually thought about the lyric "hope you come down with something they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for."? It’s a lot more caustic when it actually comes true.
As more of my life gets carved out, I desperately try to fill those holes. That’s where material goods come in but I can’t even indulge in those. We’re barely into the summer and I’ve already got to worry about paying next semester’s tuition. I never had a choice about which college to go to. I had to go to UNLV and now it is a struggle to even afford that. You save tax refunds only to have both cars break down and literally cost over $5,000 to fix. Goodbye, tax refund (safety cushion). I’ve wanted an iPod for a long time because virtually everybody I see on campus has one and music plays a huge part in my life. My mom says I can get one because she had previously said I could and she doesn’t want to go back on her word. But what kind of person would I be if I actually bought one now? I remember a time in my life where I, along with others, criticized the decision of a friend who wanted to spend money on collectibles while there was concern in his family about affording the mortgage. This situation isn’t much different. On the distant horizon, I’ve got another date at the Mayo Clinic. The last one cost a lot and I’d have no reason to believe that this time around they would want to help a struggling human being. So I barely touch the money I earn at my job. It sits in my account and I only use it to pay for gas and prescriptions. That means I worked an entire semester and gained absolutely nothing from it. I also have money saved up from birthdays and holidays but I don’t use it for anything. I feel compelled to keep it tucked away "just in case." But if this isn’t the time when you use it, then what is? What should be considered important enough to spend savings on? Does it really do me any good to keep the money tucked away? What if I were to die tomorrow or the week after? Given my current condition and the constant deterioration, that certainly doesn’t seem like an impossible outcome. Then it’ll have all been for naught. But that’s a slippery slope. Why even go to college or try to function in life if you know you’ll end up dying anyway? Why do anything? I can guarantee you that I don’t want to do a lot of the things that I end up doing. I do them because I have to.
Even if I try to live a pious life, I will always be guilty of one mortal sin. I covet. I want so badly to have the carefree life that so many of my peers are blessed with. Even if they have some responsibilities, there is nothing remotely close to the graveness of health and mortality. Most of them can work and then use that money to buy things they want. They can socialize. They have their health and can go out with friends whenever they want. Yet they find new ways to be lazy. They try to cheat the system because even though they have two perfectly functioning legs, they don’t want to walk as far.
My insurance company already came back and told me that they won’t approve coverage for the Mayo Clinic, meaning I will be responsible for most of the bill. They have effectively placed a price on a human life. My life. If I die, then that’s one less person that they need to cover and their profit margin remains intact. It is the most dehumanized I’ve ever felt. I suppose it’s all the same since I don’t think I have much of a future anymore anyway.
So here is the perfect analogy. Picture a large, solid marble slab. It is harder and stronger than most everything that will come up against it. Obstacles will crumple in its path. Even if it is knocked around, only a few little pieces will be chipped off. Now put that slab underneath a faucet that is slowly dripping. One drop of water over and over again. If that water drips long enough, it will wear a hole in the slab. The Grand Canyon is massive and sturdy but after six million years of the Colorado River cutting into it, it is hollow on the inside. Once there is a hole in the middle of the slab, the entire structure is weakened. You could try to patch it up, but you can’t really make that slab whole again.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 26th, 2007
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9:19 pm - Breathless
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It's so cold out here
Where's your coat, my dear?
You're shaking and shivering
But I don't know you
and I don't know him.
Is this a result of my situation?
Or is it my romantic deprivation?
Such a glorious infatuation
Let's break free from my imagination
and have those awkward conversations
and vent unsaid frustrations
escape the stagnation
and fall into elation.
You're cloaked in love
your face buried in your hands
Our breath hangs heavy in the air
while your eyes make demands.
Your sweet smell
I slip into serenity
You move and sway
enslaving the rest of me.
Your ruby nails are
tracing letters in the air
The ring on your finger
A subtle sign of a pair?
Your voice is still ringing
inside of my head
It's like angels are singing
those words that you said.
We're blooming through the hours
The strong scent of flowers
Admiration from over here
the sincerest of the sincere
Admiration from afar
I want you to be my star
Could this ever be?
A real life serendipity
Do you think you could love me?
We could live our dreams
and not have to be lonely
because this could mean everything.
I have to confide
the hope that I hide inside
(my) soft fingertips caressing down your side
Such velvet skin begging to be plied.
Don't leave me here waiting
Your visage is captivating
I'm afraid that this will never be
more than an imaginary love affair
between you and me.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
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9:58 pm - "I died for you one time, but never again"
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More than anything, I am now just afraid. It was two weekends in a row of nausea. Well, "nausea" is a misnomer. It does involve nausea, but it is so much more than that. It is intense pain spread throughout the entire abdomen and chest. It is feeling faint and dizzy. It’s feeling like you’re about to pass out. What did I change? Is this nausea my body telling me that I’m overdosing on morphine? As if the "normal" symptoms weren’t enough to destroy a life, now I have to deal with vomiting, which is one of the most unpleasant things ever. I’m really afraid that there will not be an end to this. What end would really justify all of this? A dying man has no ambition, save one: to live.
I can read through all of these internet message boards about people having fibromyalgia, herniated discs, and chronic back pain. Their doctors have put them on every type of opiate available. Some have had to increase their dosages over the years so that they’re now taking 800 mg of morphine a day. Some are more concerned that they have sexual side effects from the medication. Are you really in a sad state if your primary concern is sex? Are you really disabled if you hop out of your car carrying a ton of books and you’re able to power-walk halfway across campus before I’m able to make it down the first set of stairs? You have the ungrateful people who abuse the system and you have the self-righteous assholes who feel it is their duty to assert moral judgment. Guess who gets caught in the crossfire? I honestly wish, more than anything, that I was healthy and had no need to park as close as possible. I wish I could wake up every morning and feel normal. I wish my biggest problem was sex. I wish I could act like most 21 years old are supposed to act. I wish I could go out and have a drink. I wish I could date or hang out with friends.
What is with the whole parking thing? In the past month, we have had two people get shot over parking spots. One of them occurred at a CVS pharmacy at 8:30pm. I can guarantee you that the parking lot was empty. Is the principle so offensive that you have to shoot another human being? You can’t park in the spot next to it and walk the extra 3 feet? The same goes for the countless people I’ve heard on campus talking about how they can get a handicap placard so they won’t have to worry about parking. The same goes for those people I’ve seen who jump out of their cars parked in handicap spots and walk free of pain or interference. Is it really that exhausting for you, being a normal, healthy person, to park on the second floor and take the elevator down? Is it too much to ask that you walk 100 feet down a ramp?
For a long time I have been pushing myself to make it to the next break. "Just wait until winter break and we’ll make it out to a better hospital." "We’ll get you better before the end of summer." And each and every semester is the last semester I want to go through while in pain. I don’t want to have to deal with another semester of hard plastic chairs and hard plastic people. I don’t want to deal with professors who think that nearly 2/3rds is almost 75%. So how fucking long must I do it? You can watch these "Medical Miracle" shows and think "Wow! She finally got healed and got her life back, and all it took was a little hope." Or you can realize that it took her over seven years of agony and being told that she was crazy by the doctors because they were too incompetent to recognize some rare disease called ____________. Well I’ve been tested for all of those rare diseases. Lupus, Lyme Disease, Celiac Disease, Hyperthyroidism… If I actually felt good, I would be the healthiest person on the face of the planet. I know it sounds like a broken record. It is over three years of my life that I will never get back. I’m living from hour to hour. I take the pills out of routine and fear of withdrawals. Sometimes I’ll feel some measure of pain relief, a lot of times I feel nothing. On those rare occasions when the medicine does work, I usually only feel it for five or ten minutes. But those few minutes are the only escape I get now.
And speaking of pushing myself, I guess we’re aiming to go to the Mayo Clinic again this summer. I am hoping that with more time and a lot more scheduling, they will be able to figure this out. My mom doesn’t seem anywhere near as hopeful. We’ve gotten to the point of it being a last resort though. That really scares me.
Being on campus always gives me the opportunity to listen to other people’s conversations. You’re chatting on the phone and you’re worried because your boyfriend is going in for,*gasp*, an MRI. You want to know what it entails and if he’ll be ok. Then there’s the two girls chatting with each other about smoking. One girl knows that it’s bad for her but she just likes to do it. She’ll quit later, or so she swears. Yet another person talks about how tired he is. From the tone of his voice, you’d think that there has never been a person as tired as he is. And then I see the woman in one of my classes who was born with some sort of deformation. She has a little Pug who escorts her around on her motorized scooter. You can see others pass her by without giving it the slightest bit of thought. They don’t hold doors for her; they don’t help her pick up something she’s dropped. So she sets the dog on her lap and pets him because he is probably the only one who accepts her as she is. But I’m not sure that this is something you can hold other people accountable for. Yes, common courtesy and chivalry should be found in all of them. But what about awareness of pain and suffering? Certainly if I had never gotten sick there would be no way I could relate to any of it.
I am now able to see my rib cage all the way around. Before it was just on the back or the chest, but now you can see it through my sides. I have so little meat/fat on my ass that it hurts to sit down on a wallet because it goes straight to the bone.
I went to get a haircut the other day and took in a couple of photos of me from my last haircut, so that the barber would know how to cut it. She said she was going to use some number of blade, which would be about finger-length and that should get me "looking pretty close to him." Now, I can take that in two ways. First, she wasn’t paying attention at all. She didn’t even look at the picture close enough to realize that it was a picture of me, let alone close enough to figure out how to cut my hair. Second, she looked at it and I just look much different. Considering the picture isn’t more than a few months old, I would like to think that she was just being lazy. But then again, I’m quite certain that anybody from my past would have a hard time recognizing me now. A few years and unwillingly losing 30+ pounds will do that for you.
School has been absolutely terrible. It is really overwhelming. There has been way too much material and reading. I’ve literally gone through three highlighters since the start of the semester, and that doesn’t include all of the readings from the textbooks. Then we have discussions or review sessions in class and I’m the only one talking/answering questions. I’ve had two professors already tell me to put my hand down and they’re disgusted that no one else in the class will say anything. Even when the professor has spoon-fed some information to the class over and over again, they still won’t speak up when he asks them to regurgitate it. Why is this?
I’m also taking Women and Crime this semester, which is every bit as amusing and aggravating as I expected it to be. I’m really sick of having to watch documentaries about women killing their children or women getting raped. Why do I have to feel guilty for being a man? And what’s with the whole rape thing anyway? There’s never an element of personal responsibility on the woman’s part. A man and a woman can meet up at a party and both can be drinking heavily. They start making out and suddenly she says stop. The man, despite his inebriation, must stop and retain perfect honor. If the man doesn’t stop, no responsibility falls on her shoulders for putting herself in that situation in the first place. Women aren’t expected to be composed at all times, if they drink or do drugs and then get raped; it is always the man’s fault. Even if the man is just as high as she is, he must rise far above her. One of the girls in the class even posted that if you’re already having sex, penetration and all, and the girl says no, you MUST stop. I understand the concept of no meaning no, but if you’ve already consented to sex, isn’t it a little too late? Did you just realize that you’re not being a good Catholic and you want me to pull out?
The other morning in my Psychology and the Legal System class, we were getting a lecture on police and stress. To really drive the point home, the professor decided to show us a documentary that HBO had made. It was about police officers that had seen terrible things and been put in terrible situations. There was this younger woman officer who said that she used to believe that everyone had good in them…but not anymore. They showed graphic pictures of car accidents and murder victims. Think about what Las Vegas just had to do with passing a law to protect homeless people from being assaulted. We’ve had so many assaults on them that we have to create special hate crime legislation to protect them. In the video, the police talked about cases of people using transients as target practice. They showed one homeless person who had been just walking along when someone came by and decided to shoot him. One police officer talked about how he was standing six feet away from a 13 year old girl who committed suicide by blowing the back of her head off. The ending of the video was a story about a police officer who had committed suicide. Police have a higher suicide rate than the normal population. They interviewed his widow and she said that he had grown deeply cynical over the years and thought that everyone was bad. She said he had a "distorted worldview." But is that what it is? Are all of these police officers living with a distorted worldview? Or is it just that they saw too deeply into the world? The world that most people encounter is covered in a veil. People put on their game faces and dispense with the niceties. We all play our parts and follow social guidelines. We try not to disturb the status quo. Most people want to stay naïve and never see the underbelly of the world, and with good reason, ignorance truly is bliss. Is what the police officers saw really distorted? They were real events. A young girl who killed herself in a gruesome manner. An older man who just felt compelled to jack off onto a seven year old. Or a random person walking into a grocery store and stabbing people. Those things aren’t distorted…they’re just ugly. They are the hideous nature of the beast. Whether people readily admit it or not, man is capable of some of the most atrocious things. We see peeks occasionally. The prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib. The videos that leak onto the internet of police brutally beating a minority or using a stun gun on a child or senior citizen. I wish there was a way to pull that veil back down and hide the ugly bride. It’s much better to ignore the truth and just be happy. Sure, you may be choosing ignorance, but what is choosing intelligence and insight going to get you in the long run?
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| Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
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7:32 pm - Dear You, Part Two
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Dear You,
Our conversation today, despite its brevity, really scares the hell out of me. It’s a part of the mounting evidence why I will never be able to reintegrate with my peers. It was just a few words to you, barely enough to form a sentence. Yet it alienates me and angers me. It also fills me with utter disdain. I can’t really blame you because you have no reason to know otherwise. You’re typical for your age and your wisdom stops at a certain point. That’s the same reason why I’m watched every morning like I’m a leper. If it falls outside the range of what you’ve experienced or can fathom, then you can’t understand it and will only end up isolated from it. I have disdain for the apathetic though. Those people who use such excuses and find every reason to be upset in a world that was gifted to them. What’s it say about you that I have to constantly cope with things you can’t even imagine and I’m still a more efficient worker and get better grades?
Dear You,
What do you think your word is worth? Was it worth me getting my hopes up? Did you realize that it stings when you retract a promise? Of course the same enthusiasm won’t be there afterward. I guess in a way it made me really sure of what I technically don’t need.
Dear You,
It’s about you. You didn’t sleep well. You had a bad day at work. You did this. You didn’t do that. It’s ALL about you. I get it. I’m getting your trophy for Best in Show: Beating A Dead Horse engraved right now.
Dear You,
All hail the King of Hypocrisy. How can you say such wonderful things about how we should all love one another and then you turn around and call people names? Do you approve of what you’re doing in life? Have you even thought about that? Can you look at yourself in the mirror? Does your mother approve? Does God approve? There’s no telling if life will catch you but don’t mind me if I’m not around to watch the foot race.
Dear You,
It is a pretty awful feeling to be powerless, isn’t? Keep in mind that semantics don’t really change the importance of things. Using one word instead of another doesn’t really change the outcome.
Dear You,
I don’t know how the rest of your life will come together, but it has come together pretty well thus far. For the blessings you have received in life, I envy you. Don’t fret if you sense distance because it’s not just you. I thank you and I love you, I just wish that you loved you.
Dear You,
From the person I expected the least out of, I got the most. From the person I expected the most out of, I got the least. Figures.
Dear You,
It’s been a while, huh? I have some questions for you. Why keep fighting? Does it matter if the weakness lies with Noah or the Ark if you still drown in the end? Do you think you’ll ever achieve your goals? Will you ever reach your pipe dreams? What do you really want and what do you need? Do I even still know you?
Dear You,
Whatever he told you was probably true but there were bigger reasons behind the truth. I’m not sure why you quit talking to me. Probably because you have your own life and it is coming into its own. It’s a little hard to explain a pseudo-creepy, overly-infatuated friend anyway.
Dear You,
I don’t know why you are always so sad, angry, or upset about your life and the things in it. You’re a great person; you just need to realize that your life is great too.
Dear You,
Do you even know the meaning of the word management? How in the hell did you achieve the position you’re at right now? At least you’re preparing me for a future of incompetent people who are higher on the occupational ladder.
Dear You,
Thanks for not mentioning that the things you’d be ripping out of my head were huge and would cause a lot of pain. Also, thanks for not mentioning the whole swallowing-all-my blood-and-vomiting-all-night thing. Asshole.
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| Monday, January 1st, 2007
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2:25 pm - Top 10 Albums of 2006
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10.
Reel Big Fish - Our Live Album Is Better Than Your Live Album
I know, I know. It's not really new material and a live album shouldn't be counted. But this album makes the list for their variations of the song "S.R." The rest of the set is performed in RBF fashion with humorous banter between songs. They play every song that you'd want to hear. When I saw them perform variations of "S.R." live, I was in tears because I was laughing so hard. They took an otherwise short ska song and performed it in everything from an emo version to a rap version.
Album Favorites: "(The Many Versions of) S.R." and "Dateless Losers"
9.
Anti-Flag - For Blood And Empire
The biggest sell outs ever. EVER. They made their entire career out of slamming corporations and giving the finger to authority. Then they signed to RCA where they were put on the roster right between Bo Bice and Clay Aiken. They don't stray from their tried and true formula. Trivia: They say the word "whoa" over 100 times on this album. Some of the songs are a little ridiculous in their choruses (See: "Depleted uranium is a war crime!") Some are catchy and some are funny. It doesn't have the edge of "Die For The Government" but it'll still get you pissed off about something. If you're wondering why this album is on the top ten list, it's because this was a pretty dismal year for music. That and I didn’t get a chance to listen to any other albums that I was interested in (See below).
Album Favorites: "The Press Corpse" and "One Trillion Dollars"
8.
Dashboard Confessional - Dusk And Summer
I still don't understand why Chris left Further Seems Forever if he still wanted to rock out. A lot of these new songs sound a lot like Further Seems Forever with the heavy bass lines and electric guitars. "Don't Wait" is your classic emo ballad and is a pretty good single. I love the song "So Long, So Long" with its piano and summer-at-the-beach imagery. "Stolen" gets very repetitive. Not an overwhelmingly great album, but it deserves at least one listening. Remember when Chris promised he'd do another acoustic album? Remember when you actually believed him?
Album Favorites: "So Long, So Long" and "Don't Wait"
7.
NOFX - Wolves In Wolves Clothing
Good ole NOFX. This album could have done without a lot of the filler tracks like "Instant Crassic" and "Cantado En Espanol." From the get go, you understand that they've made a career out of playing punk rock and they couldn't care any less about entertaining you. Despite the random goofball tracks, this album also has some of the greatest NOFX songs ever written. There are little pot shots at the guys in Propagandhi and Fat Mike's lyrics are as poignant as ever. If you feel worried about the state of the nation, then there's a song on here for you.
Album Favorites: "The Marxist Brothers" and "Leaving Jesusland"
6.
Pistolita - Oliver Under The Moon
The only new band on my list. Pistolita is great and have a unique sound. The vocals are rough yet melodic. They incorporate a piano seamlessly into their disjointed rock songs. If you like Something Corporate's piano but you prefer vocals to be gruffer, this is the album for you. I found myself humming one of their melodies without even knowing it was them. Talk about sticking in your subconscious.
Album Favorites: "Oliver Under The Moon" and "Panic"
5.
Owen - At Home With Owen
Yeah, I'm a sucker for Owen. I have been for a long time. The new album delivers the same wonderful songs that everyone loves from the previous outings. It is sparse and beautiful acoustic guitar accompanied by brilliant lyrics and his breathy vocals. Topics range from love to life as a musician. He even throws in a cover of Velvet Underground's "Femme Fatale".
Album Favorites: "Bags of Bones" and "The Sad Waltzes of Pietro Crespi"
4.
Taking Back Sunday - Louder Now
The boys from Long Island are back with their third full length. Let's face it; they're never going to live up to Tell All Your Friends. They’re missing a key ingredient (Hint: his name is John Nolan.) Louder Now is a testament to how well these guys have learned to play together. Where You Want To Be was sloppy and sounded like a band who had just come into existence. Louder Now has songs that hark back to the heyday with catchy choruses and love sick lyrics. Some songs get tedious (See: "Miami") though those are the ones that most people will tell you they like. Also check out the great music videos that came from this album.
Album Favorites: "MakeDamnSure" and "Liar (It Takes One To Know One)"
3.
Brandtson - Hello, Control
One of the last remaining emo bands loved for such favorites as the Fallen Star Collection. Except that they chose to write something that isn't an emo album. Yes, they jumped on the dance-punk craze. Yes, it's completely different from their earlier albums and wasn't expected. Yes, they do it better than anybody else in the genre. Intelligent lyrics and smooth vocals are layered on top of music that is still primarily made with rock instruments instead of a synthesizer. There is plenty of synthesizing on the album though. This is one of those upbeat, bouncy albums that you love singing along to. A lot of fans were angry that they changed genres but if you give it a listen, you'll love this album. I bet you'll be tapping your toes at least once.
Album Favorites: "Earthquakes and Sharks" and "A Thousand Years"
2.
Brand New - The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me
One of the most anticipated albums of the year. It's taken Brand New three years to release this album after they seemingly dropped off of the face of the earth. Plenty of people have said this album sounds like Radiohead, but I’ve never listened to Radiohead so I couldn’t tell you. These songs are a far cry from the soundtrack to my youth that was Your Favorite Weapon. Rather than angst ridden pop punk songs, you get an eclectic mix of songs that don't belong to any one genre and all are very good at being haunting. This album is cathartic and you feel like you've been through an experience after just listening to it. It is definitely not an album that sticks on the first spin, but after really listening to the songs you'll be humming them for weeks.
Album Favorites: "Sowing Season (Yeah)" and "You Won't Know"
1.
Cursive - Happy Hollow
This is very easily my album of the year. They lost Gretta and the cell |
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