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Thursday, December 25th, 2003
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3:04 am - Christmas at home...
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Strangely enough, even though there are people that I love in this house, I still feel lonlier than ever. Not a good feeling for Christmas, I guess, but that's how it goes sometimes.
This year for Christmas, I was asked what my wish list was and I didn't really give one...thus I'm not getting any presents today. It's not so much that I don't really want anything, it just seems that material goods are insignificant to good company.
So I guess what I really want for Christmas is good company. Unfortunately, even that is hard to come by these days. Family members are in and out doing errands, friends have their own business and families to look after...
I wonder what's it's like to really have a good friend. Like, a really really good friend. I've noticed that over time, jealousy between friends occurs, bitterness, grudges, etc. But I wonder what it would be like to have someone totally and completely different...someone always there to talk to, or to comfort me when I feel lonely or depressed, immediately know when I am upset or sad, cheer me on when I need encouragement...as a matter of fact, I think that could possibly be the greatest Christmas gift of all...
current mood:  disappointed
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| Friday, December 5th, 2003
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12:39 am
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| Friday, November 7th, 2003
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8:58 am - This just sucks.
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Everyday I get a little bit more tired, and a little bit more stressed. Exam after exam...things are better than last semester, but I just want a freaking B in chem. Is that so hard to ask? Why are these multiple choice tests so hard for me? Why did it have to be "one of the hardest exams" the prof has made (he said it, not me)? I just hope there is a large curve.
And what's up with asian myth. I thought it would be a nice blow-off class, but apparently they've changed the exam format, so I've got a nice little B in there too (as opposed to my A). I don't get it, because I studied with Mengyao and practically memorized the handouts. Sheesh. At least my research paper writing skills are top-notch, so I should be able to get a good grade on that, plus 5 bonus points if I hand it in early!!
I'm beginning to think stress is the main reason I don't study effectively. But I still don't know what happened in chem. I was SO freaking prepared for that exam. But the TA said it was tricky for him, and when he asked the class how it was, no one replied, so I'm hoping that means that everyone else fell for the same tricks I did.
Why are chem exams only an hour long? It's not like you're TIMED in real life anyway. Be reasonable! No one is going to hand you a sheet of paper in the middle of your work day and ask you to complete 31 multiple choice chem questions within 70 minutes. I guess what really irks me about this exam is that I actually finished THIRTY minutes early, and I still got wrong what I got wrong.
I am going to email and ask the professor for studying advice. I mean, he knows what it takes to be an A-student in his own class, right?
Another thing...why is it that I can't sleep for more than 5 hours anymore? I mean, I went to bed at 3 and got up at 7:45 today. What the heck! How do I survive??? I just want to sleep in for once...I don't even know...
current music: Billy Talent - "Try Honesty"
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| Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
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10:39 am - Escape from reality
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This morning is like the haunting nightmare of last semester. I haven't cried since summer, when I was bombarded with the stress of changing majors, but I wept this morning and a little last night. I hate exams, and I just hate college in general...
Maybe it's just the turn of the semester and I am starting to become more and more stressed, but I can't help but feel that I am working towards nothing. I am taking out loans to spend money to gain an education so that I can gain a "good" job with a well paying salary so I can repay the loans that I took out in the first place. And in the end, 4-8 years of my life have gone to studying something that I never really enjoyed in the first place.
It's always been in the back of my mind, but I never really bothered to deal with it because I can't do anything about it...but now it's just rearing it's ugly head again.
I really wish I could major in something that I was good at...that pays well too. If it weren't for the money issue, I'd easily be a graphic or industrial design major, but I don't want to take that kind of risk for the sake of my family.
Another thing...I'm so tired of being optimistic all the time...only to be shot down time and time again. The way I see it is that life sucks, yeah, but you make the best of it (like that lemons to lemonade thing). The way I see it, the richest person in the world will always be the one who values everything they have.
If you think about it, you hear about all these rich assholes, who keep making money because they want more and more and more and more, more electronics, more trips to the bahamas, more cars, more mansions...and the truth is, with material things, the "want" never ends, and it's never ever satisfied.
But happiness, optimism, faith, hope, all that good stuff, that's all free and it comes from your own mind and soul. So you have an endless supply...but only if you want to provide yourself with it. I get so frustrated with people who are constantly bitching about what they don't have, and how life sucks, and how they wish this and how they wish that, and again, how life sucks, and how life sucks, and oh! How life sucks. If someone gave me a penny for all the times I've heard that line...well, I'd be free to be a graphic design major.
I like being an optimist. It makes my life ten times happier than it would be. But then people start to consider me to be stupid and ignorant, maybe they think that I just don't care, or that I'm immature. I know how life can suck. I've seen it happen so many times. It's just that after a while, everything seems to be the same, and the "sucking" isn't as significant anymore. Things suck because you blow them out of proportion. It's more stupid and childish than anything.
I guess not alot of people know this, but there was a point in time in middle school, when I just hated to wake up in the morning, and I hated to be alive. My social life sucked, my academic life sucked, my life at home sucked...every night I'd go to bed and lay there, praying that someone would just take pity on me and stop my breath, and a few times I think I've tried to suffocate myself or stare at bottles of pills for a really long periods of time.
Luckily, I've grown out of that kind of depression, but it does comes back with haunting vengence sometimes...and it no longer makes me suicidal or anything, (because now I think suicide is just stupid and the most selfish thing anyone could do) but it certainly makes me think about my future and what it could be, and it is becoming...
I don't really know what this entry is about. I'm pretty sure I just needed to blow off some steam so I can clear my head of these thoughts. Anyway it's super long, and it's time for me to take a practice chem exam. Ta ta!
current mood:  nauseated
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| Saturday, November 1st, 2003
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9:34 am
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I've started remembering my dreams again. It's been the longest time since I've remembered dreams, but for the past three days they've been coming to me pretty clearly...
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 31st, 2003
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8:54 am - IEEE Volleyball
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I'm not an engineer anymore right? So how did I get roped into doing this ECE Smash thing...?
At least I get a t-shirt...
My last major performance as an ECE major I guess. Whee!
current mood:  confused
current music: Jimmy Eat World - "Sweetness"
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
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12:19 pm
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I want a scanner cable!! Grr!! I went to ECE stores last week only to come back with THE WRONG CABLE! I'm a smart one...
I ate lunch today with Reece and his friends since I couldn't find Grace amongst the army of students. I can't believe how awkward it felt to be sitting at a table of...caucasians...strange especially since all my friends growing up at home are almost all white. Very weird. Anyway, they were a nice change from sitting alone or with townsend or the girls. There was talk about mooning and driving up to children offering candy for halloween. Yeah, that's not illegal at all.
Apparently there's a root beer keg party in the multipurpose room for Halloween. It's just too bad I detest root beer...I used to think root beer was beer made of tree roots. Ha ha ha! Well, I suppose I'm not too far off since it tastes just as bad anyway.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Incubus - "Just A Phase"
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| Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
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6:44 pm - Bleech!
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Math exam, math exam. This sucks. I hate studying for exams. Although this one shouldn't be bad at all. For some reason the less I study for these exams the better I do. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either...but I think it's the stress I have going into these things. I should calm down more. Dang, I wish homework and quizzes counted more in college...
Half of the semester is over already! You know what that means...killer second semester time! I wish I understood hybridization better. Maybe after I finish the chem homework...once again...stupid exams!! My quiz/homework average is an A, but that exam...stupid exam!! I'll just have to work harder; it not THAT bad I suppose...but this is my second time around, so it should've been better.
But oh math, how smart I feel in math! My TA knows my name now cause I correct him too much, and Rachana came over yesterday to learn max/min problems...and yet I still have to do these stinky problems so I don't get rusty like I did last year.
current mood:  working
current music: American Hi-Fi - "Swing Swing"
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| Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
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9:06 am - Kill Bill
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| Monday, October 13th, 2003
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2:39 pm - FINALLY!
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| Sunday, October 12th, 2003
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1:14 am - I hate that little parasite...
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It's like a digusting little snake that lives in the belly of your stomach. It likes to feed on your happiness and optimism, and renders you helpless; muscles weak and twitching, bleeding from the inside out. It's tail stabs right through your core and knots up in your throat, but no matter how hard, and how much you retch or gag, it will refuse to leave. It's not an emotion or feeling, but it's just as controlling and powerful...slimy and elusive, yet sharp and jagged, ripping and tearing, sliding just out of reach. It's a clever little critter; when it finally weakens the host with it's constant nagging and shredding, it begins to feed on the mind, the spirit, the soul, and eventually completely takes over.
Is it depression? Pessimism? I don't know, but in the movie of my life, it is my archnemesis and number one enemy...annoying since it still lives in me, and I live in it. I absolutely refuse to let it take over my mind and cloud my judgement, and likewise, it will never let me win either. The best I can do is shrink it down to a little worm, and keep it buried and caged under happy memories and thoughts...and even during those depressing moments when it grows enormous, I know that I only have to struggle forward inch by inch so that one day, it will exist no more...
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| Saturday, October 11th, 2003
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6:15 pm - Swimming!
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I went swimming at IMPE with Lee today! It was fun, except that the naked women walking around in the locker room kind of scared me. Nonetheless, the IMPE pool provides you with flippers!!! Free flippers!!! Wheee!! Lee taught me how to freestyle properly, although she said what I had originally been doing was okay too. We biked to and from IMPE, so it kind of felt like the triatholon, minus the running. I got goggles!! They're blue! I want to check out Freer next, since it's closer to ISR...but now I'm tired and hungry. Mmm...
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Billy Talent - "Try Honesty"
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 9th, 2003
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11:17 am - Goddamn...
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I was looking through some of my old, old entries to look for a long forgotten link, and it just reminds me of how immature and young and innocent I was. Hahaha. I cringe when I read some of them, because I just seem so geeky and obsessed with everything. Haha. It's a good thing most of those art links don't work anymore. For once, I'm glad that free webspace providers suck.
current mood:  nostalgic
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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10:21 pm
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| Monday, October 6th, 2003
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12:24 pm - Neat-to
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One of our chemistry professors won a Nobel Prize for medicine. 15 minutes were spent in biology lecture talking about his life and the processes of magnetic resonance imaging. (I hope it's not on the exam) Anyway, it's pretty cool to have famous professors on campus and have your school mentioned in the New York Times and stuff...
current mood: sleepy
current music: Absinthe Blind - "The Break"
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2003
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12:17 am - The skills of an artist!
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I want to start doodling again. It's so relaxing.
If only I didn't lose my scanner cable...oh well, I can always get one from ECE stores. My poor tablet and scanner have been sitting comatose for too long! It's time to break out those rusty artistic skills 'o mine!
In other words, I've had three people ask me this week why I stopped drawing...and even I have to tell myself, I must start anew!
Besides, I've been looking at too much art from Deviantart. God that place is awesome...
Speaking of art, Sarena is a technical design major. Damn, why didn't I think of that one...oh wait, it's cause I hate composing a portfolio...
current mood:  artistic
current music: Afro Celt Sound System - "The Silken Whip"
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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9:33 am - The best part about summer
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I wish I could just drop everything and run off onto the sunset. Call me foolish, or whatever you want, but this daily sitting-at-my-desk-agonizing-over-every-little-detail is killing me.
I guess what I miss is the variety that Connecticut had. Towns were so close together, and every road is filled with such scenery...here in Illinois, you can only go so far until you find yourself in a flat eternal cornfield. Not that I mind the cornfields here, there's nothing like it in Connecticut.
After college, I picture myself working at the same place, day in and day out, a hum drum 9-5 position. Goddamn, if that's the last thing I really want...
My ideal career...if money were no obstacle, I think I would like to travel alot. It's not that I hate where I live, but I've learned that you appreciate your "home" more when you're away from it.
For example...if you gave me a choice of a workspace of either a boring-ass office or a bug infested amazon rainforest, I would gladly choose the latter. Sure, I won't love the ichy bug bites, but bug bites are infinitely less irritating than paperwork.
Maybe I should go into industrial pharmacy. I hear big companies hire pharmacists to travel the country to promote their goods. That sounds like more of a business job than anything else...
I could also be a veterinary pharmacist. That's unusual too. Actually, that would be sort of cool. I'll bet it pays crap for cash though...oh well, maybe I'll go into it once student loans are paid off or something.
current mood:  melancholy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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10:06 pm - Ugh.
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I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE writing essays for applications.
Otherwise, all is well.
current mood: nauseated
current music: The Coors - "So Young"
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
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11:14 pm
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When I say To No Specific, I mean it. The entry is a product of angsty observation about my life. When I say "No One Specific", I am talking about No One Specific. So if you are thinking about how that entry relates to you personally, it is not about you.
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4:24 pm
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amused