| My First Experience With Drugs... |
[Feb. 1st, 2004|03:30 am] |
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| |  bouncy | ] |
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| | I Do Now by Jessica Andrews | ] |
In case you couldn’t tell, I haven’t had access to the internet for like a week now. And quite frankly, I’m going insane. LoL. Seriously though… For the past week I’ve been so uptight and tense and upset. The internet calms me. It allows me to talk to Savvy, and read HP fanfiction… Both of which are very calming, and make me extremely happy!!! :o)
Hmmm… There’s something really BIG that’s about to happen, but, I can’t talk about it on here unless I do so in a private entry. And I’m too lazy to do that. So we’ll just leave it at that… But I can tell you that it’s a *GOOD* thing… Well, for me at least…
OMG!!! Have I mentioned, ok I know that I haven’t, that I get to see Linkin Park in concert? Well guess what, I DO!!! HeHeHe… My mum’s bf is taking us. It’s Linkin Park, Hoobastank, POD, Story of the Year, and one other band that I can’t think of. But it’ll be great! I can’t wait. I have a feeling that if Linkin Park plays any of the songs from the first album, and they probably will, that I’ll start crying. I can’t listen to that album anymore because of the memories… :oS
My hair is starting to look ok. Well ok enough for me to start wearing it down. LoL. It still kinda looks like shit, but another month or so and I’ll be able to cut most of the layers off and then it’ll look ok.
I haven’t been writing about a lot of things lately because some of them are bad, some of them are personal, and some of them are just well, fucked up… But I’ve realized that I need to write about them, to get them out in the open per say, so that I can find a way to work through them…
Hanging out with Gina, has been, to say the least, a WILD RIDE… From lying to my mum about being at Gina’s on a Friday night when I really spent the night at a guy’s house… To agreeing to do drugs… I started smoking like two weeks ago, and then decided that I shouldn’t because I sucked royally at it and decided to take it as a sign… I was going to try smoking weed, but that’s one *specific* thing that I told my da I wouldn’t do without him (My da and I have this agreement about me wanting to do things (like drugs and alcohol), and I’m allowed to, but the first time has to be with him. So now, if we can ever get in touch with David, I’m going to do Ice, which is basically like speed, for the first time… And I’ve decided that Ice is probably the only thing I’ll do down here. I just want to try it. But I want to try a lot of other things, so this summer I’m going to be constantly tripping person… LoL. Because I’ll be around my da, so I’m gonna try it while I can. Maybe get the curiosity out of my system…
Everyone says that Gina is a bad influence on me. Maybe she is, but I really don’t give a fuck… When I’m around her, is the only time that I feel like my old self again. Like I can be happy. And that’s all I care about right now… Staying happy until I can move. So if getting in to trouble and getting fucked up is what makes me happy right now, then that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve already tried the medical route in being happy. The anti-depressants didn’t work. Well they did, but I knew it wasn’t how I truly felt, so I stopped taking them. The only thing I’m worried about with the drugs is getting hooked. But, I was able to give up smoking, so I don’t think that they’ll be much different. I’m just curious…
Ok lemme take that back, we got the hook up. Now I’m gonna share my first experience with doing *ANY* kind of drug with you. My drug of choice, Ice. Also known as crème. I’m sure there are also other names for it, but I don’t really care what they are. (Just to let you know Gina is cleaning like a mad woman, apparently that’s one of the side-effects of Ice for her, it makes her want to clean…)
So we got a quarter of a gram from David and me and Gina did two lines each. Gina did the right side of her nose first cause of her nose ring, which she decided to take out. And she started freaking out so she waited to do her second line. So then I was gonna do both of mine. And it took me forever to do them. Because I was nervous and I didn’t want to do it in front of Gina. So like 15 minutes later, Steven calls and I get Gina to turn away and I do the left side first and then the right. And it fucking *BURNED* like hell. And my nose started running like crazy. So Gina made me snort it down so that it’d go down. And after I did that it started going down my throat, and *OMFG* it tasted like *SHIT*. I mean like the nastiest thing I’ve *EVER* tasted. And it wouldn’t go away. Like constant nasal drainage. And the taste was right there with it. And then I got nauseous, and I learned from getting drunk on New Year’s 2003, that I need to eat to keep from getting sick (I threw up that night because I stopped eating because I was too busy getting drunk), so I told Gina that we needed to something to eat. And she said that we needed to eat caffeinated stuff. And they had none of it, so we tried to get Joe and Steven to stop and get us some candy and they wouldn’t. So Gina and I drove to Kroger and got some candy. Then we got back and Gina started cleaning like mad. And I wanted to write up a storm, but I can’t concentrate on one thought long enough to write about it. So now we’re sitting here talking about her and Raymond while I’m writing in here. She cleaned her room in like ten minutes, and it usually takes her three hours. And we both have seriously dry mouths. And Gina can’t stand to sit still, to where as I’m very content to do so as long as I’m typing. I still want to write but I still can’t concentrate on one thing for very long. We took it at 3 something and it’s 6 now and we’re both wide awake. But besides that, it’s not really all I thought it would be. I like the fact that I’m not sleepy. But I don’t like the fact that I have to pee like every five minutes. So now I’m trying to think of a way to tell my da. I tell my da everything. I don’t think that it’ll upset him that much. I think it will actually help me with something else, where my da is concerned, so yeah.
Ok enough about that shit…
Savannah, Savannah, Savannah… Where to begin, what to say… So many thoughts… So many emotions… So many things left unsaid… So many things that don’t need to be said… I love her completely and unconditionally… I would do anything for her… I would die for her… She’s my whole world… My heart, mind, body, and soul all belong to her… She doesn’t even know it but she holds me in the palm of her hand… She deserves so much, and nobody could ever give her all that she deserves. And the sad thing is, is that she doesn’t think that she deserves any of it. She doesn’t think that she’s beautiful or that she’s worthy. She thinks that she’s a failure, and she’s far from it. To come from where she did, and to be where she’s at is such an accomplishment. She is so beautiful and smart and she doesn’t even realize it. So many people tell her, and try to show it, but she just won’t see it. I wish that I could spend every day telling her just how beautiful and smart she was and how much she meant to me. But I can’t. So I have to make do with the time that I can. But I don’t think that it’s enough… I just wish that I could get her to understand just how much she’s worth, just how important she is…
I can’t really think of anything to talk about. I can, but like I said earlier I can’t talk about it on here… But just pray for me that it’ll happen… It’ll all be for the best…
Yours Forever And Always,
Brandi M. Whiddon |
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amused
sleepy
sad
ecstatic
flirty
guilty
determined
contemplative
cynical
frustrated
calm
anxious