You wanna know me? Get to know the real me. [entries|friends|calendar] PoKeHybrid Trainer Jim [ website | PoKeHybrid Trainer-JimBoom006 ] [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

15 months of thinking [31 Jan 2006|09:38am] [ mood | determined ] [ music | Naruto OST, 3rd Opening (iPod not equipped) ] I have no idea who would look at my rants, and vents of anger, but I guess I am back, for a few. Over this past 1.25 years, I have had to reflect on what I have been doing with my life, where I am headed, and if I have any regrets with what I have done. From November '05-December '05 I was a doorman (Target security guard and I think I heard Eamon on channel 1 from radio ONCE), I finally dropped the weights I had on Robyn and moved on to another special someone in my life, Monika (Visited her too. Goodness is she shy!), and lived in Ohio from August-September. Aug 11-Sept 11. In my trip in Ohio, Irony came at me, full force... ...as the friends of an online friend I came to live with... ...the similarities of my Fiasco in Progress friends. Everyone. They acted almost exactly like them. I've had to come back to NY. I couldn't stay in that house. It was hell for my subconscious, remembering the good times in the span of 2 years, trying to forget the good times. But they were good. Only the latter years, were they the best. I felt that Rob acted like a brother to me. And if things from both sides didn't turn out like they did, I wouldn't have to put myself in my own exile. With reguards to Maria, a month after my exile (November-December 04), the emotion of hatred has long faded. You were someone I used to know, and if I see you, it would be like the past didn't exist. Rob, if you two are in fact together, I wish for you two the most happiness that you can seek on this Earth. That brings me to my conclusion. I need to see Rob. Soon. To see if our friendship can even be revived. If not, to apoligise my actions at least. I had thoughts of doing it sooner, but I needed to make sure I was doing it for myself, not because of the fear of lonliness. The fear isn't there, because I have had a lifeforce, since December 04. Also the same month, I am with a group of anime-loving, duelist friends, Steve and Elaine from NG (Who live real close by, hee). With enough time to heal my wounds, friends to encourage myself to be honest all around, and to have the experience of Ohio touch me deeply. Rob, you're not that bad. You don't have a Nazi flag in your room, racist to everything. You're just you, I guess. And I would like for us to be friends again. If not, to least say I am sorry about how I am. Even if you still are iffy with me... Even if everyone is still that way to me... I just want to say I am sorry so that I can go on with my life, thinking that I regreted our fun times with Fiasco. I guess we will see when I see you.

Day 111: Loss [11 Apr 2005|12:11am] [ mood | lonely ] ...there... Sinead... from my daydreams... self ripping her apart... hacking, slaughtering... massacring... heartstrings cut from me. EternalSkyy (12:10:41 AM): o__o... EternalSkyy (12:11:16 AM): holy..crap EternalSkyy (12:13:32 AM): that's not a very good thing -.-.. EternalSkyy (12:17:00 AM): love can turn into a nightmare.. 1 people care.....| Does anybody care?

Day 110: Deep, Increasing Frustration [23 Mar 2005|06:27pm] [ mood | drained ] With a month or less before I move, tensions are high. Feeling down because Steve's mom is mad at me because I was over Steve's place when she said "it was a good idea" for me to go home and Elaine to rest. Elaine didn't send me home, so why the hell are they both pissed off for? The mother didn't tell me to just go home, just gave that thought. Is Steve's mom paying Elaine to go to the doctor? Did Elaine follow the wishes of the mom? Nope, and that left me feeling as if Elaine was the messenger... so I quickly ended the conversation I had with Elaine (or rather little to no warning of hanging up the phone on her). Also, meeting up with Steve early this morning just made no sense. From the night before of planning to see him then actually seeing him... Everything was alright until the people who worked there at his department at the supermarket laughed because I told them I am Steve's friend. After that he told me to go anywhere but there... so I left for 2 and 1/2 hours. 9:30AM comes along, and I pop in... assuming that it was alright. It wasn't, and I felt unwanted. Did I embarass him? Something he isn't telling me? Meh... With Elaine from staying supportive of my role of myself in Cory's (Charles) to telling me that it's a good idea that I shouldn't be there because of too many characters makes me uneasy. I'm getting the feeling that Steve and Elaine are getting sick of seeing me more often than any other friend. Unless they can debunk this feeling... thta's why I think the two are acting too strange beyond any normalcy. I have to wonder about even going out Friday... and Saturday/Sunday in that mix too. April 19th. A court day. The day that I have to hope for the best to Monika and her dad. If everything goes well (and by all things considered, SHOULD), I can move after the hearing. The only factor is time. Ever since I went to visit Monika, I haven't been the same. Finding someone who is EXACTLY like you... and has been through your road... ...I can only hope that I live long enough, and that the loose plans will not be broken. 2 people care.....| Does anybody care?

Long Time. [06 Mar 2005|11:46pm] [ mood | sad ] A gap in my journal means one of two things. Either something good has happened between this time, or bad. Unfortunately it's only been bad. Meeting a new set of friends... calling eachother VICE as of WeiB Kreiz and what have you (anime/manga). Up to this point, bliss. Until finding how everyone tagged the train. For 99% of the world, they wouldn't care. Plus being caught would be a near impossibility. Yet I got so torn from this... Then Robyn being apathetic. Not showing how she feels that she misses me. That she trusts me. Marge (my shrink) mentioned that she is acting distant because she has no reason to feel anything o-line with my forced absence... the absence I gave myself to be with "Vice" because the pain of Robyn was too great to bear. EternalSkyy (11:42:16 PM): feels like since the first accident of the day that i've been dead EternalSkyy (11:43:52 PM): We decided to go snowmobiling and I took a sled behind the snowmobile with my dad driving. (my dad is very forgetful..) Well he was going over this hill with the snowmobile and suddenly I heard this REALLY loud crack and tear and I felt something quickly jab from under me, although just barely because we were going so fast.. He then stopped the snowmobile and looked shocked when he turned around, and I was wondering in my head.. "Is my stumache still there...? Is my stumache still there.....Is it still....?" EternalSkyy (11:44:03 PM): I looked under myself seeing this huge 2 inch in diameter metal bar against me, which sliced through the whole freakin sled and I couldn't get up, so I was scared.. I noticed it actually went through the belt that was for my snowmobile suit and couldn't unhook it to get up until my dad did and I looked behind me, noticing the bar was all the way to the whole freakin end of the sled O_O; .. I looked for any signs of blood and found none, still wondering if all my stumache was there after I stood up XD Its appears to all be there, although it was rather a painful expierence.. HybridTrainerJim (11:45:04 PM): When... when was this... EternalSkyy (11:45:13 PM): around 2 pm.. EternalSkyy (11:45:37 PM): later I quickly ran to the living room, and suddenly felt something slippery under my foot (the blanket/sleeping bag) but I wasn't fast enough and fell over, trying to not fall on my face with my hands against the gound on impact, which made my elbow ram into my stumache.. I couldn't breathe and fell to my side, trying to get my breath back, and slowly started to get up, saying "I'm ok.. I'm ok." (I normally say that everytime I get hurt, if I am or not..) Took awhile but I gained my breathe back, currently I feel like I was beaten up the whole day. HybridTrainerJim (11:46:13 PM): : / meep... EternalSkyy (11:46:24 PM): x.x; ... eh HybridTrainerJim (11:48:31 PM): Sorry that you had to go through that. EternalSkyy (11:48:41 PM): -,- it's ok.... -huggles- HybridTrainerJim (11:50:27 PM): Going through that would feel better then how I feel. 4 people care.....| Does anybody care?

Day 109: Final Front - Robyn [20 Dec 2004|11:07pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Avenged Sevenfold, "Unholy Confessions" ] "Because the old Robyn is gone and not coming back. Some days just be lucky you even talk at all with her." -Jay, v.i.a. e-mail I don't wanna accept the above... I really do not. We have made a promise years back and revamped as recent as a year ago... that Robyn and I are as close as brother and sister, and that we'll be PoKeHybrid fans until the very end. Now, I wonder if she remembers that promise. Why was she so happy to see my update if she is acting like this? That gives me reason to believe that Robyn is just going her own way, abeit being selfish lately, yet still has memory of the past. Memory is the only thing that can really have any impact. Sigh... Robyn is the best friend I have ever known in my life. She has been through me in the best and worst. But I gotta remember, she does love me. It's hard to show it lately but she does. My sis is in there, but she's off to find herself. In, ultimate compromise, seeing how she is... I can completely disengage any fetish RPs until she brings one up, seeing how she is now. To only focus to seriousness, and so far this event has brought one hell of an RP, and it ain't pretty. Also I wonder about herself drawing PKHs... for she's my best and main artist of my site... If I thought the past 8-9 months were bad, what would happen without her... Okay Jim, remember the past. Memories will get you through this.... Why did Chrystal distance herself from you... Nagging away about RPs. Robyn may feel the same as with my nagging. Continuation of being unflexable led to Chrystal's eventual colapse. I do NOT want that to happen to Robyn. Fiasco, i've given up on. Knew them 2-3 years tops. Robyn, 5-6 years I have known her. Maybe I need to be patient and for whatever has gotten her to be like this to go through her system. I mean Chrystal wants to RP, but sure it took 2+ years of absence to do so. Robyn, I have no idea... but the original... first pact I made with Robby, Jay, Chrystal, Robyn... that we can live together... like the sitcom "Friends", only real. I suppose, you all may never hear me from this again.... "I'm at the lowest point in my life now. I can only get uphill (better) from here." Optimistic? Me? At a time like this? Without support? It's all I can do. Heck, I dunno who is still reading this mainly depressing blog anymore. Maybe just me. Robyn doesn't sees this, then I have alot to talk about when I see her. I'm sick of the dark times. Time to embrace the light. or... "What do you choose? The path of the light? Or the path of the dark?" "Neither - I choose the dawn." -Riku, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of memories. 2 people care.....| Does anybody care?

[12 Dec 2004|11:33pm] [ mood | accomplished ] After talking alot with Charles, and doing so much soul searching... Several things. Finally this conflict with Robyn has ended. As for Fiasco, I exempt Brian from what I said below. He has been there for so many times that no one else locally has. Well, least male. Femmy would be Elaine. Does anybody care?

Day 108: Hide and Seek, but what I seek I can't find [12 Dec 2004|02:25pm] [ mood | rejected ] "If you love something, you must let it go. If it comes back, it loves you back." Such words are true to what I have been dealing with in recent times. I have had to distance myself from my former circle of friends, the so called "Fiasco In Progress". The manipulative ways of Maria has made it so I can't say a word, and so everyone will take her side... negating the length of a long term relationship. Maria broke my heart, and played me for a fool. It's a wonder about Rob if he doesn't see that in his own self. Ditched me for a planned date, lied to me and Jen about what she has been doing, and has been only thinking about herself. If that is the case... If everyone cares only for a piece of ass than a long relationship... If they won't even hear why I did it all, then excommunicate me... Then fuck them. Fuck them all. Charles was right. Elaine was right. It's a couple of bad seeds, planting their roots of corruption wherever they go. Knowing this, I should be happy. But with losing this circle, i've lost a hell of alot. 10-15 friends... but no one cared if i'm alive or dead, or wonders how I have been doing. I wanted to try to make a relationship with Jen, but since this crap has commenced the day of thanksgiving, she has been unreachable. And finally... I shan't know about Brian where he lies in this. I do not know if he even cares about my POV, or that he only follows the croud. It's like I wish I never showed him to Hurricane's... But if that was the case, and how he was huffing in my birthday this year just ruined it... Better then suicide. Karma is all I have. Corruption and sorrow do not go unpunished, nor will I stoop to their shit level about what happened with Rob and Maria. If someone cares, they would find me. But seeing how Rob is so heartless to Charles, I will not expect to see any of them anytime soon. From Robyn telling me about she's happy being single, to seeing in her DeviantArt journal about celebrating her BF's 5th anniversary? First thing that comes to mind is that she can't be lying again. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I don't know what is behind those words as of friendship... of if she has been lying to me to hold me back. I thought this weekend I wouldn't be gloating about sorrow. I updated my site (abeit, not much to see), I finally worked out my college for 2005, and I got advice to hold on if Robyn is waiting. She told me that an agreement was made from herself and Jay... that as long as she will not see me... he will be alright with breaking up. Now this is the same guy from upon knowing of the love triangle incident said that she has done it before and isn't worried about his relationship. Upon seeing the above in her DA (accidentaly, as I was referencing my pics not uploaded to site against her gallery), I was drained. Elaine, Steve, and their friends helped me out early 12/11/04. Talking from midnight to 3AM. "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it loves you back." I was talking about the conflict I have felt with supressing emotions to Robyn, sans the DA reading, and I felt that was so true. Makes perfect sense. I know that we're friends. That's certain. I wish for something more... So much love to give... and after what Maria did to me, and attempting with several other femmys... on-line and off, I still seek her. But from the above, I do not know how I should feel. Has she been lying to me again? If not, is there even a sliver of hope for a loving relationship with Robyn and I when she has time to think things over? Of course if the latter is true... I have to ask Jay why he said what he said, as it is unusual to say something so harsh. Let no one say that i'm not only focused on this. From all of this time I have been busy with searching for work (why my mom forbids me from working at a burger joint is beyond me), setting up my transfer of credits from Gibbs to BMCC, and to wonder who my real friends are. I know for a fact that those in Fiasco aren't my real friends. Otherwise they wouldn't go to such lengths to doubt my own well-being. Robyn, I really can't speculate, nor should anyone else unless I get answers from her. I'm venting here as that i'm shocked to se this turn of events after I get the advice to wait on for some time longer. I can remember, as early as 5 years old how bad lonliness feels. I do not wanna feel that feeling anymore... I feel as if I could break within a nervous breakdown from everything that has been going on lately. head pounding really bad as i'm typing this. I don't even know who can see this from my point of view. I don't know who will comfort me from all of this. Having to willingly lose so many friends forces me to question my current friends... sigh... From everything that has happened lately, I hope this will be the LAST sorrow journal entry that I do for a long time. This is the end of critical conflicts that plague me of my happiness. And hopefully, what is within my wallet fortune cookies happen. "Relax, and enjoy yourself." I refuse to give up fighting. "You seek to shield those you love and like the role of provider." I will stand up to what is right. "Your dearest wish will come true." Hope is where I find it... ...here's to those who wanna seek me out. -Jim Does anybody care?

Day 107: Wonder What's Next [14 Nov 2004|09:44am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Green Day, "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" ] I now have the desire to update my site after so many months, but all I need is a good CD. Hm, as for those who have been seeking an update, hell I don't know if there is even people around for one anymore... but I will do so only for myself... as why I started my site in the first place. Maybe that will attract those who have lost contact with me in the first place. Last week it was one heck of a weird feeling as if I was being faught over by several femmys. Now it seems to have died down, and back to same 'ol same 'ol... but it doesn't mean that I will care for them any less. As I have said before... I'm here if you need me. "I'm walking down the line, That divides me somewhere in my mind. On the borderline, Of the edge and where I walk alone. Read between the lines, What's fucked up and everything's alright. Check my vital signs, No i'm still alive and I walk alone. I walk alone, I walk alone... My shadow's only one who walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating. Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. Til then I walk alone..." -Green Day, "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" 2 people care.....| Does anybody care?

Day 106: The Truth is Here, after 2 years [04 Nov 2004|12:15am] [ mood | shocked ] [ music | The Left Rights, "Darth Vader (Who Gives A Sith)" ] This entire year I have been wondering about how I really am. Before Robyn and I broke it off, I wondered about Chris… Chrystal… or should I say Carla. When we did break up (Robyn and I), I stayed friends with Robyn finally realizing how the love of a friend can exist without BF/GF titling. Making Maria cry… made me sum up everything that I have been doing wrong with how I handle people. After that event finished, I tried to actively contact Carla, but no avail. So, I decided to give her a letter. I wrote basically the above, and to apologize for not giving her the same right that I did with Robyn. To comprehend love of a friend. I saw Carla’s love as just a lie… but that was how I thought back then. Many times she has tried, but ultimately I screwed things up. There is one thing that was good and bad. For I found from Carla that she was with Illinois Rob out of pity. He couldn’t see any signs? Bullshit! I saw signs with Carla and Robyn! In fact, both I asked why the change of acting so different, and as for Carla… I remember an RP (foot fetish/TF) that around the end if I was jealous of Robby. Maybe that was the signal if I would mind her departure of emotions? That makes me feel crappy. Then again I finally get why she tells me how she can love me more closer than Rob, which back then I wasn’t given the info like I have today. For the following, please do not criticize me parties involved… I mean no disrespect. Carla played Rob for a fool to make him feel better. I never knew that from her, and especially to find that she still loves me. Robyn has done the same. Carla has told me and Rob to still be friends even after the departures of heart. Robyn has done so to me… Both of us didn’t do so with Carla back then, but I gained a clear mind with Robyn… and we stayed friends. That is what the basis of my letter to Carla is. I apologized for how I was, and she comes back. Now for Robby… What he never told me is that he spent college tuition money so he can treat Carla like a princess for the time of a prom. I was told from her that things dwindled from that time. What I think? Carla couldn’t handle duping Rob after all of the materialized items. Rob… I’m so surprised that he put college in jeopardy for this. I understand certain things, but he went all out with money he did not have… Right now, what is on my mind is one person who has been right here from my greatest and worst times… Robyn. Would she see how I did falter, or will feel with what Rob feels? Meep… Does anybody care?

Day 105: Where Does My Worry Go? [18 Oct 2004|12:11am] [ mood | worried ] Throughout these past... oh this month... I have been worried about my localized friends in the NYC area. Most attempts to contact them fall short on deaf ears. Yeah I know they have midterms, but not even any response on how are they doing or what has been going on? What am I to believe, that they do care? Can't say. All I know is that I have been wondering how they have been doing from all of this time. s'pecially Maria. But nada from her... I have to hear bits from Brian to know that she is still alive. As for Rob, hesitant to talk too much because when I talk to him, he's in a grouchy mood. Eamon I haven't contacted yet but I am going to call his cell in a few hours to check up on him. I mean what am i going to do within this time that I have no time to do anything else upon? True Black Waltz (12:08:23 AM): I thought you were all my friends. What you are all acting like isn't that. Stop it. Shinkuno329 (12:09:53 AM): oh that old story... True Black Waltz (12:10:03 AM): Excuse me? Shinkuno329 (12:11:34 AM): dude... i havent talked to rob in a week, eamon in 2, i'm just barely able to talk to maria from time to time so dont go thinking that you're being ignored again because its not that, its called being busy with real life troubles True Black Waltz (12:12:40 AM): Again, it doesn't negate the effect that everyone talks to you and not me. Where do my worries about how everyone else is doing going? Do I pretend that I do not care about them? Rob is iffy about me since that incident some time ago. But everyone else does give a damn 'bout me. Sure as hell hard to show it lately... But if you guys end up reading this instead of e-mailing or calling me... Know that I give a damn, worry about you guys, and wonder if you're doing alright. I'm here for you all. The same goes for my on-line friends, Robyn of course. She's been hard to reach lately I guess because of the above. Meep, making friends with Elaine and Steve may be the best thing that I have done in a long time... Meepness. Creators of PlushieCon, friends of mine nows. Feeling like I know celebrities, since Fiasco has told me stories of them in BAFF and I think Otacon. Ah, help to go back to myself... a self when I had a significant other... Happy and joyous. Full of energy. Maria may know this best as around the time we first met. Robyn, please do not put you to the same slot of people within AOL who is slipping to only RL... Text can't suffice how I long for one thing I need with everyone else... ...time. Something I wish I could share to my friends. Does anybody care?

Day 104: Falling Back [01 Oct 2004|12:19pm] [ mood | indescribable ] Well... i've been seeing Marge, my counselor since September. Why? I'm a mess obviously. Need someone to talk to in order to get my mental health back on track. Seeing what Maria told me about what I said about her here in August.... yeah I see that I really should have seen my counselor in august when I first wanted to cut school. Blaming others, not just her for my pain, and obviously it isn't right. And it shows... Just yesterday was talking to her... integral discussion. Deep... then today it just... was a fall from grace. Something I did but I do not remember clearly... Eh, why didn't I see and just post something to explain myself of how I felt instead of being a selfish person? I regret this alot. Not just of Maria, but with Robyn, and all on-line and off-line friends. I can't take back what I said, not like before. Back then I knew it was a stupid mistake, but this... This I did feel, and I can't cover it up. She IS right. I really don't know if she is going to be a scapegoat in the future. I want... need... help from my friends. Support. Not from a shrink... Yeah, I can go on... on my own, but this lonliness goes on if I do not get help from my friends. Now, is when I need them the most. Those who know me, know how I was back 2 years ago in this very moment. I was far weaker. ...and I think I have't changed much. Back then it had to take the info from others to make me see the error of my ways. Otherwise I was acting like a malicious fuck. The anger is only seen here, and what a friend said... that the times where I do find peace and solice... isn't shown here. It should, for this could have been averted. I shan't deny that I want to blame someone. That's why i'm in this problem of trust with Maria and maybe everyone else in Fiasco to begin with. But I read those journal entries... and I see that I have changed from 2 years ago... not as much. The difference is to have friends who'd help you through the hard times. And i've been doing this alone, it's like I feel I am in this world alone... even though others do care for me? Simply... I want help from friends. I seek it. I remember NOT acting like this. I can see why others do not trust me. I don't trust myself... my will, or my emotions. That is why I need help. That's why i'm seeing a shrink. : / 8 people care.....| Does anybody care?

Day 102: Why I Hurt... [26 Sep 2004|01:58am] [ mood | mellow ] True Black Waltz (1:20:42 AM): Heyas, please forgive me for not talking to you in so long. Armaina (1:20:49 AM): ah, tis fine True Black Waltz (1:20:52 AM): Transfer of college is rough. Screwed over. Plus, lonliness draining me. Then my mom demeaning my beliefs on religion. Armaina (1:21:10 AM): o_O True Black Waltz (1:21:32 AM): I'm a mess. Strangely, I have felt worse. True Black Waltz (1:21:49 AM): : / Sorry to say hi and bye on a down note... t's how I feel now. Armaina (1:22:00 AM): that's okay True Black Waltz (1:22:21 AM): Jaykit (1:21:23 AM): give me you IP - Eh Religion? I just want it to be simple. Live being good. Live to help others and try to never hold grudges.. No need to praise anything.. Armaina (1:22:41 AM): yus True Black Waltz (1:22:41 AM): Simply put, that respondy is what I feel. I'm an ex-Christian, with my mom being a finatic. Armaina (1:22:54 AM): ^^() True Black Waltz (1:23:06 AM): Yeppers. Iffy situation. Armaina (1:23:28 AM): fanatics can be scary.. True Black Waltz (1:24:09 AM): Blind Faith. Motivation to move against impossible odds... ...then there's 9-11. True Black Waltz (1:25:18 AM): The oaklahoma city bomber, religious finatic. Hijackers... finatics. Common trend that those who only see a variant of religion gives them the excuse to carry out a horrible deed in the name of their god. True Black Waltz (1:25:41 AM): Eh.... I shouldn't bring this up now. True Black Waltz (1:26:00 AM): Not sure... How sure if you emphasize, and it really is late. Armaina (1:26:18 AM): hey, look, I believe there's a god.. but I believe life is a heck of a lot simpler than people would think.. True Black Waltz (1:27:28 AM): I'm not bashing religion. Asd long as it teaches pece and love... then it's good. Hell it's my Christian background that made me have good morals despite that i'm a chubby spanish Neo. o.o Armaina (1:28:10 AM): pfft, you being a chubby, spanish neo, should have nothing to do with wither or not you're a good decent person True Black Waltz (1:28:33 AM): o.n; Exactly. True Black Waltz (1:28:51 AM): ...thanks, made me smile. Armaina (1:29:34 AM): I've thought a lot about religion, and other things, and I've found, that there isn't any ritual, any 'goals' you MUST get in order to get into any type of 'heaven' Armaina (1:30:23 AM): the only thing you must do, is better yourself, and respect all living things. Really, there's not a thing you can do that would be 'wrong' if you are respectful and curious of others Armaina (1:31:31 AM): *curtious True Black Waltz (1:33:37 AM): I see most of that way. Daydreams of violence with charas though... that is within self. As for trying to learn from anything, having an open mind, and to try to not be an ass... I feel the same. Armaina (1:33:54 AM): simply "if it harms another, don't do it" True Black Waltz (1:34:09 AM): Self-Control.... Armaina (1:34:22 AM): and for those that try to tell you Suicide and Drugs don't hurt other people. What lies they speak True Black Waltz (1:34:35 AM): Many a time I have said things out of anger that I regret... and I hurt more than one's heart by my words. True Black Waltz (1:34:47 AM): Oh, I know how suicide hurts. True Black Waltz (1:34:55 AM): ...people miss ya. Armaina (1:35:06 AM): But, that can be rectified, words that is. Everyone is bound to make a mistake True Black Waltz (1:35:12 AM): And your pain is passed to them as they feel to blame. Armaina (1:35:17 AM): no one is perfect True Black Waltz (1:35:41 AM): I've destroyed a very good friend of mine... and I seek her out... after I have found what went wrong with myself... ourselfves. Armaina (1:35:51 AM): Yeah.. and for those that use drugs.. those that are dependant on them, say kids, suffer greatly, and friends as well. Armaina (1:36:00 AM): *nods* True Black Waltz (1:36:32 AM): 3 years ago. 9-11 destroyed how we are. True Black Waltz (1:36:59 AM): 2 years ago we faught... and I was the horrid victor... turning a gentle soul to that of a heartless bitch. True Black Waltz (1:37:27 AM): I swear I still blame 9-11 for the fall of how we changed from BF/GF of 2-3 years to nothing. True Black Waltz (1:37:36 AM): We made mistakes. I feel so much remorse. True Black Waltz (1:38:16 AM): But a year ago she seeked me out, and from the friends I have known for years... told me she was going to seek me out for reasons not of her own... but for her husband. True Black Waltz (1:38:31 AM): Catching her in a lie with art, I condemmed her away from me... True Black Waltz (1:38:42 AM): I felt so broken. Armaina (1:39:04 AM): I bet -_- True Black Waltz (1:39:12 AM): Disc 4 Squall back to Disc 1. The progress from my relationship with her felt as if I was forgetting how I used to be. True Black Waltz (1:40:13 AM): Then... someone who had her heart out to me, only to find I was preoccupied with another... True Black Waltz (1:40:31 AM): ...god I feel like beating myself up... for she hasn't changed to this day... True Black Waltz (1:40:45 AM): ...she opned to me, told me of the desire, and we got close. True Black Waltz (1:40:54 AM): The pain subsided for months. True Black Waltz (1:41:08 AM): I stopped cutting school and became a fully smart nerd again. True Black Waltz (1:41:32 AM): But, this April... she told me the truth... still did not depart from the love she found after she gave up on me... True Black Waltz (1:41:37 AM): And here I am. Armaina (1:41:52 AM): -_- Armaina (1:42:11 AM): love is such a terrribly complicated thing.. True Black Waltz (1:42:14 AM): In college, when I got a 3.8 GPA... True Black Waltz (1:42:20 AM): ...I felt so so dirty... True Black Waltz (1:42:23 AM): ...so selfish... True Black Waltz (1:42:35 AM): ...that I did it with no one to help me... True Black Waltz (1:42:44 AM): I slipped. True Black Waltz (1:43:09 AM): Cut for a quarter (down goes $3k) and transfered to another college that may not take the 15 credits I earned. True Black Waltz (1:43:19 AM): ...the cycle begins, again. True Black Waltz (1:43:58 AM): January 15th, 2002... Chrystal departed as my GF. July-November... I tore her apart. True Black Waltz (1:44:13 AM): Mid to late 2003, Robyn became my GF. True Black Waltz (1:44:36 AM): April 15th, departed from the love triangle, but did not make the same mistake like I did with CHrystal. True Black Waltz (1:44:43 AM): My FLAW! >.< True Black Waltz (1:45:11 AM): ...I felt that she didn't love me (chrystal) because she wanted someone else to be her BF... but she still cared for me. Loved me. True Black Waltz (1:45:32 AM): And I took that love and shoved it back to her face until she collapsed in a mess. Armaina (1:45:44 AM): many of us never have the courage to bring up the words we want to say True Black Waltz (1:45:54 AM): ...I am so sorry that i'm bringing the weights of my pain to you. Armaina (1:46:01 AM): no, that's fine True Black Waltz (1:46:13 AM): It's the reason why my site hasn't been updated... True Black Waltz (1:46:22 AM): And lately the reason why nothing new in DA. 1 people care.....| Does anybody care?

Day 101: The Death of Bill and Smilies for Now [19 Sep 2004|01:14am] "Would you bury me when i'm gone? Would you miss me while i'm here? Just as soon as I belong, Now it's time I disappear." -Metallica, "I Disappear" How I feel now... Lonely. Like Crying. Left out RL and On-Line. 3 people care.....| Does anybody care?

Day 100: Screwy. [09 Sep 2004|08:10pm] [ music | (DDR) ZZ, "The Legend of MAX" ] MeowthAndPersian (7:26:23 PM): *pounce!* True Black Waltz (7:26:35 PM): ;-; I feel really, really dreadful... MeowthAndPersian (7:26:51 PM): Aww... *pout* Why? True Black Waltz (7:27:18 PM): It begins on how I wanna transfer out of Gibbs to a less expensive school. MeowthAndPersian (7:28:11 PM): All right. So, get it off your chest, Hun. True Black Waltz (7:28:18 PM): First off... I found out from the other school that the college credits given from Gibbs can not be transfered... I doublechecked this with other schools and they're right... so they lied to me... MeowthAndPersian (7:29:11 PM): That's the bad part of a lot of colleges... For it to mean anything, you're suppose to finish and get some paperwork.. o.o True Black Waltz (7:29:49 PM): Starting, financial aid is given for a student's first 2 years of school. I withdrew before the second quarter, but they already took out a year and a half in advance, when I never gave them authorization for the last 4 months... MeowthAndPersian (7:30:37 PM): Hm.. I don't know a thing about financial aid. ^-^; True Black Waltz (7:30:51 PM): Now I find that on the surface, they started to recieve payments for 2004-2005 grants in Aug 6th, which is well before the 3rd quarter... so they stole a year's worth a money. The rule is, whoever extracts first for the year, they own the year... True Black Waltz (7:31:44 PM): So, now when I transfer, I have to wait a year to recieve financial aid... which makes college free based on my parent's low salary if I got it. MeowthAndPersian (7:37:10 PM): Man. True Black Waltz (7:37:31 PM): I have to get into a school fast, before my loan of $4000 that is held back from the state becomes unfrozen and I have to pay it. Also $1750 is left over from the balance of the school from ending this quarter. What is stupid if the loans and the remaining balance I still have to cover if the school took control of $1666 for 3 more quarters and that I gotta STILL pay them back. MeowthAndPersian (7:41:51 PM): ::huggles:: Geez. Screwed over much.. True Black Waltz (7:43:09 PM): /).(\ ::sobs to your shoulder:: MeowthAndPersian (7:49:36 PM): ::pets his head:: True Black Waltz (7:58:45 PM): Meep... MeowthAndPersian (7:59:17 PM): I'm sorry you're not happy, but I'm glad to see you. True Black Waltz (7:59:37 PM): Thankies. Somewhere to come home to. Does anybody care?

Day Ninety-Nine: Consideration [29 Aug 2004|09:06am] [ mood | moody ] [ music | Yugioh(Jap) Season 2 Theme: Shuffle ] 6 weeks? I have cut college for 6 weeks? Christ, I can never catch up that fast. 3 weeks yeah, from the slumps last quarter with a 3.8 GPA. A's for last quarter, it was a miracle I found the nicest teacher in the world for 2 3 hour classes. Got A's for being there less than half the time. Now there is no cow level. There's no fast way to get myself out of this. Not to mention, the upcoming cost for Gibbs is double of a community college?! I dun think state college is as much as this crap! And, the isolation given by my RL friends (no one asking about me) has taken it's toll on my psycholigical condition. I'm also considering to see my therapist again because of the shit they pulled. I keep trying to deny it, but my on-line friends ask about me... while the ones from "reality" do not anymore. They just see me as an outsider and a loner that doesn't want to be felt. I wanna be proved wrong that those from "Fiasco in Progress" DO care about having me around, and care about me in a whole. On to away from this, Happy Birthday Robyn. Thank goodness you have been born so that I can have a ray of hope within this world of darkness and corruption. And I know i'm not the only one... and I won't be the last for those lives you have helped. Thankies. 6 people care.....| Does anybody care?

Day Ninety-Eight: Powerless: No man is without fear... [27 Aug 2004|08:13pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Atreyu, "My Sanity On The Funeral Pyre" (chorus) ] Yesterday was really cool. Felt that actually worked things out with Rob (at least.. for my own guilt). Megaman tourney was real cool. But as for eveyone else... iffy. It really troubles me. Maria. She's acting worse than from what has happened a month ago. Never talks to me even after all of this. Damn, I mean even Rob is in better terms than her?! Ash has made me see something. Maybe I shouldn't trust these people. They backstabbed me with this lonliness. Maria has to be using what I told her when I apoligised to her a month ago... Words can hurt so much to be, but they will fade. Only one word makes my soul turn cold. Goodbye. She has been so distant, even before her conflicts that exists in her own. This makes no sense. Forgiving Brian because he is the only person left to talk to...? Herself with hugs to everyone else but when I do it she says it's too hot... How can I trust such a... person. Maria. I don't think she would care of 20 days of cutting within the past 2 months because I have been wondering about how she is doing. Damn, just the silence! There HAS to be something she isn't telling me, because even if ROB out of everyone is alright with me and she isn't... then what the fuck is wrong with her. I wonder how many other people she has made to feel this way. This can't be a one-time occurance, can it? It isn't fair how I can give so much devotion and that she won't even tell me to just leave her alone. Not even a message to tell others about me. She asks about everyone else but me? I'm tired of having to think if she even cares about my existance. She has to seek me out. She has to look into herself if she cares on how much she has hurt me. If there is NOW some peace that the damage I did back then has escalated back to me in such a higher magnitude now... then I would be fine. For there is a reason of this. I'd accept it, and see what I can do to move on. But if all of this is for the lack of caring for someone with the resources to be with her, then I wonder about her. I wonder if my heart set out to her should even reside in her instead of Robyn. For that is what she has done lately... and it hurts real bad how much she has just plainly ignored me. I'm afraid of her to just tell me to fuck off. And i'm afraid for her to say how I am over-thinking this, but it's been so long. It's been far too long she has been treating me like this. I want to hear it from her about all of this. I can just drop this only if she just tells me that she does give a damn about our friendship and existance. Because at this time, I feel as i'm just giving devotion and recieve scorn and alienation in response. YET... As this is in my head, Pokemon. New version. A critical reason that I lost my suicidal tenidencies back then from Blue Version... Tomorrow I would just be there to get the game, and that would be all. Dunno what would happen after that. Don't know, since no one is talking to me. Watching my baby brother on a night like tonight when I wanted to drop this and see live-action anime. Anyone care? Brian talks about his toils and he is responded. What happens now with me though...? 2 people care.....| Does anybody care?

Day Ninety-Seven(2): Past vs Present [18 Aug 2004|06:54am] [ mood | working ] [ music | Anything Atreyu from 2004 ] It has been since April, before Robyn and I departed as BF and GF, that I was thinking about Chrystal. Why is that….? Why even at that last time time where I felt complete, I felt like seeking her out? Memories. She was the first, and now I have really found out… that I care about her as a lover, a phenomenal RPer that is also unmatched in fetish-based scenarios, and that she did so much despite that her heart was out to another. I won’t lie that I think of Robyn more than her, but lately I have been thinking about what has been happening lately. The first time, all of this chaos ensued from her own doing…. No that’s not true… I acted maliciously when she departed as my GF and to Rob. I said such awful things to try to get her to get close to me and away from Rob, but none of us deserve that. From that side of my world falling apart, I couldn’t think… only react. Similar, to how I did with Maria… but our RL friends are corrupt in taking something out of proportion and twisting my original words. Brian is the case of an extreme… god damn he IS Squall. A fusion of all of the bad and good, with no remorse in actions and not caring who is around. Here I am now, that I wanna seek out Chris. I wanna know the truth. Is she really married at 18? Her scholarship for a vet school turned down? Was she ever abused as a younger girl from 5-6 years ago? From Robyn pointing out a pic that she said (Chris) she made… was a lie, I went insane and made myself silent… or did I retaliate in full… And knowing that her “husband” (can’t confirm) told for her to make peace with us makes me feel uneasy… Did she care about me? About Rob? The answer is yes. She admitted she was wrong for back then, even though I KNEW I drove her to this. This inate ability to not think and retaliate… As time goes on in my life it goes to who deserves it. I wanna attone for back then. I miss Chrystal as a friend… And I’m going to find a way to seek her out. Unless, she has always been like her RP chara… A Guardian Angel… Dragonair, to Dragonite, to MewFree, to CelebiGoddess, Mary… then to just call her RL as in RP like myself. If someone can somehow send this to her… but I’m going to seek to find her myself if everyone of my on-line friends refuse to help me. Scary thing is that I think no on-line friend will help me… except for Anna (TerrAriados). Meep, she has helped me so much back then and now so bad too… The only femmy foot fetish/TF Rper… Punching out. Time for college. Year-round. 3.8 GPA behind me, here I go. Wish me luck everyone, that this has a happy ending. Does anybody care?

Day Ninety-Seven: Home All Day For What... [15 Aug 2004|12:06am] [ mood | lonely ] The day before I tried to get a lose plan to assemble to Maria's place as I wanted to get away from Brian and Eamon, and to respect Maria's wishes of not seeing us. I waited all day, calling from 11A to 5-6P and several IMs to see when she would wake up. I soon noticed a shift of IM away messages. And now as she is silent, what now? What can I guess if she doesn't say anything? Brian and Eamon said the day before to not even try to talk to her because she would be mad at us just being there to assemble over there. When I called her eveything was okie between us- Making Brian and Eamon full of shit. Heh, Eamon saying how he didn't care what she thought and wanted to see the show we did plan to go that night... typical. Lately Brian is making me jealous on how much Maria talks to him on a regular basis but I have to go through his attitude to find out what is going on with everyone. And i've yet to know what Rob is doing pending a b-day gift. I'm sad too that no one has bothered to remember my b-day as much as I expected, but I made sure to remember Maria's. What's going on? I don't like feeling left out. Talking to her about all of this in e-mails and to talk on the phone has left nowhere. No responses. Yeah I know she sleeps late until a later time, but for weeks me and Brian were able to pop in and stay for some hours until she awoke and we did something. Even after weeks of this conflict ending, and a critical event that I first ever heard of Brian being true, i'm left out... Meepness. ~UPDATE: As for when I called her, everything was fine. However when she saw everyone, she said she yelled at me...why? Does anybody care?

Day Ninety-Six: Friday the 13th, Weird but good! [14 Aug 2004|02:03am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Atreyu's album "The Curse" tracks 6-11 & 14 (Bon Jovi cover) ] First off, happy b-day Maria! n.n; May this year suck not as bad as this year. Meep. Ah, what a hell of an odd day. It's now I just realized it was Friday the 13th. Heh. Mishaps due to Brian and Eamon (why they left her for promos- sheesh I thought they didn't reserve tickets either, and the cards suck), most of the day I was asleep, and I actually had fun in the Yugioh movie! I wanna see how Pegasus talks about having one too many White Wine Spritsers (Reference of Simpsons, only alcohol Flanders frinks in Vegas)... Oh if the eps moderated by Funimation are in this... WOW! This kicks serious ass all over! Drinking, death, Kaiba saying that friendship is bull... n.n; Wow, and... today was the first day in a long time that i'm actually letting you people know i'm happy. Forgive me if you only see me negative here. The positive I tend to keep to myself. So meh, i'm not downed 24/7, okie? Meepness all. n.n Megaman TCG! Got a box, whoo! $65. C yas all. Does anybody care?

Day Ninety-Five (2): Dear Maria, [22 Jul 2004|01:15pm] [ mood | relieved ] Heyas… I can assume (“making an Ass out of U and Me”) that you may not wanna see this letter right now. Seeing my journal has done a lot of damage, but I truly do not know if I mean what I said upon it. It was written at around the same Wednesday(?) all of this happened. I see that I can’t let go of Robyn as much as I should, and I do not regret our relationship. It’s closer than most… The purpose of this letter is for you to find some peace in this situation. The better thing obviously is to rebuild our shattered relationship. If at least you can find peace, then this letter has been sufficient enough. I’m writing this letter because I’m scared to death on what would happen if I had the contents of this letter and see you at your current state. I’ll be frank. I don’t like having to act like this as much as you do. I want things back the way it was – the way we had it. From about these 10 or so days of thinking, I (finally) see your POV. To be honest, your letter I only quickly skimmed over. And the irony is, I’ve written the same letter to Chrystal, my first on-line GF. But, I antagonized this entire situation to hazardous heights. Yeah, I see how I have wronged you real bad. And, from the process of a few days, do realize that I am an asshole. Plus, I feel sorry for all of the pain I caused. I regret the things I said… Why did I do what I did? Attention-whore would be simple enough, but feeling left out made me do all of this. Brian can vouch for me when I first openly said I was sick of yu-gi-oh a few months back; I distanced myself from Rob and co. That isn’t entirely true, for not being noticed as much as others led to myself not like yu-gi-oh. It brought negative feelings when I played based on everyone’s enthusiasm and the lack of mine. To this day I have yet to do serious searching, on-line or off, for anything yu-gi-oh related! I know, that I have three serious flaws within me, as well as a trait I thought was wide open. Upon a major occurrence to those who deserve it to those whom only did me an inconvenience, I tend to respond by saying a few words and making someone consumed in sorrow and/or consumed with hatred. My second flaw is that if I feel bad for some reason… and if I do not get any compassion or real help, I tend to reflect my mood to others and make people feel bad- but most of the time it’s more of an annoyance instead of THIS. A trait that I thought was obvious… If there’s something I am not openly interested with, I try my best to follow what I want. Not going to Flushing and going to my place is an example of this. My last flaw is internal, that not a lot of people see. If I’m feeling bad, especially if I wronged someone I care for… memories flood in about bad situations in school and of other times I’ve wronged people. Somehow this also reflects to my PKH daydreaming as well, and that really gets me to think on this entire situation. Beyond that… well you have seen me in my non-hostile actions. I’m downright meek, quiet, and friendly. Having to be heartless in order to reinstate my defiance on this issue… It makes me feel real bad. It makes me feel really bad that I have made you act… well like me, for I have seen this way too often. It… really hurts that I’ve tainted you from being loving to being consumed by hatred, and at least I want to end that if not for us repairing our friendship. Every person I know, on-line and off, has been within my crosshairs at least once. This problem despite a shrink keeps coming, and I regret it… especially within my 3rd flaw above. Loneliness cycle is what my shrink put it... Meep. I’m sorry I wronged you, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, and anything I can do to make you not feel this way, let me know or I can see you. Today (right now, ASAP) if possible. Feeling completely responsible for making you not act like you usually do has made me consumed with guilt… You can say anything about me but two things. Don’t call me dumb, and do not call me heartless… Those two sets of words hurt me just as bad as one word. “Goodbye”. Please respond ASAP, if possible. -Jim Meepness. Does anybody care?

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