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chemical infection.
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| Sunday, July 6th, 2008 |
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| Goodbye, deadjournal. |
| Saturday, July 5th, 2008 |
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| It's my birthday in four hours! |
| Saturday, June 21st, 2008 |
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today was the first time in ten years that i have ever went to the cemetery where my grandmother was buried, besides a couple times with my aunt & the day of the funeral. i cried the whole fucking way. i cried for how fucking pathetic it was that i haven't been in that long, and that i never willingly went. i cried because i miss her and i cried because of the current things going on with me and also with people in my life. i didn't want to be in this apartment and the only place i could think of to go was to the cemetery. it's the only place that seemed to make any kind of sense. i don't know why. especially since i never been there before by myself or even willingly. and i wanted to leave her something but i didn't know what so i just left a plastic frog in the corner of the tombstone. i picked a flower that was growing out of the ground and took it with me. i don't know... things are fucked lately. my uncle is in the hospital and they've found spots on his brain and his lung. then i found out that day that my father has spots on his lungs too that recently appeared and now he's going for tests on thursday to see if it's anything to worry about. i swear to god i don't know what the hell i will do if there is something bad. |
| Friday, June 20th, 2008 |
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i just found that ice age 3 is coming out in 2009, which makes me pretty goddamn excited. i'm so glad that i'm living with ann-marie & john. it prompts actually doing things. going to the movies, going to boston, etc. it's kind of like san antonio again... excpet everything fun isn't right around the corner. gotta travel to go to it, but it's worth it. yesterday was bryan's birthday... i guess i give up trying to get in touch with him anymore. he doesn't seem to care. |
| Thursday, June 19th, 2008 |
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| i'm sick of being everyone's fucking taxi |
| Friday, June 13th, 2008 |
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| last night i kept drinking and puking, drinking and puking. ew. |
| Tuesday, June 10th, 2008 |
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someone that uses my computer other than me (which leaves 2 people that regularly are at this house, not including john since he is compu-illiterate) has been looking at youjizz.com ... and also looking up prescription pain pills that i have in my cabinet. i don't really give a shit about the porn, but going through my bottles of pills is kind of ignorant. :) better note : tomorrow is my dad's birthday and i'm making him a clam boil. it came out to about $70 all together, but it's his favorite meal. i hope that i make it right. then father's day is next week. i have a t-shirt and baseball hat for him, and i'm going to see if bobby wants to/can bring him somewhere with me for dinner/breakfast/whatever. i'm getting john a card for father's day, since he is a father. i want to take him out to dinner, too. |
| Sunday, June 8th, 2008 |
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| during the day on friday i took john to boston so he could do his laundry at his mother's house and be with her for her birthday. when we got home we got druuuuunk, which was a lot of fun! then yesterday, we went up to boston again and i went to a guitar store and bought a 3-fitter guitar stand. we also bought SLUSH PUPPIES!!! and i had to buy another ed gein book because brian never gave me mine back. heh. on the way back we stopped in foxboro at my brother's staples and harassed him for a bit which was fun shit. then i had to work that night (lame....) |
| Friday, May 30th, 2008 |
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yesterday bobby came over and had some drinks with us. he met john for the first time and they both like one another which is really good. now all the important figures of my life get along / enjoy one another. woohoo john kept telling him to get the day before my birthday off. it was cute. i had a good time anyway. it's very nice sleeping beside john every night. something i can get used to. yesterday when i picked him up from work, he gave me a dozen roses. he's a sweetheart. i need to go make some soup now, bastards... enjoy. |
| Tuesday, May 27th, 2008 |
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| as of last night, john's living with us. |
| Monday, May 26th, 2008 |
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| i don't know why i haven't been able to sleep the past three days, but it's kind of annoying! |
| Sunday, May 25th, 2008 |
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we're back in business, ladies and gentlemen. internet in the new apartment! and my brother came over and hooked up all of my stereo equipment, too. everything is groovy now! |
| Friday, May 16th, 2008 |
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no internet at the apartment, but all moved in and moving along smoothly! my aunt elaine and her girlfriend came up last week and it was very good to see her / meet her. we went to lizzie's bed and breakfast among other things. i found out that chet passed away (a neighbor) and went to his wake. at the wake, all his wife pretty much said to me is that i look like my grandmother and how much of an angel she was... erg. :\ true, but ya know. john saw my apartment on tuesday night. we went there for our lunch break. it was nice, we'll have to do that more often. like once a week, i think. it was a really good time and it's nice to not be at the job. ya heaaaaaaard... ? we both have monday and thursday off, two weeks from now. so he'll be staying with me then too. i'm so excited. he makes me a happy person. not much else to report, really. not that i can think of right now, anyway. |
| Sunday, April 27th, 2008 |
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oh yeah. his mom kept saying things to john like, "it's good that you're in a relationship where you can really open up to the person you're with and there's a good understanding of communication. i'm glad that you have her" in front of me and everything. then when she went to sleep, john kept saying "my mommy likes you, my mommy likes you" and did a little dance. heh. she kept teasing me because of the way that i was eating my food. john said "it's official; you're white." his mom was like, "i'd be mashin it all together and shit, mm mmm." haha. it was meatloaf and mashed potatoes. now that i'm up, i guess i'll break down what went on. thursday i slept for 2 hours total, because i was so anxious about friday. lame. i ended up making myself sick (i don't know how on earth i do that, but i do it a lot.) i picked john up around 3 and we headed to boston. got there shortly thereafter, and hung around at his mother's. then she said she was going to visit bob (her husband/john's stepfather) in the rehabilitation center (he had recently had back surgery) and asked if we wanted to go. the feeling of being sick was starting to really hit me, but i said i'd like to go meet him anyway. he is one funny old dude. he looked like he was high out of his mind, and he kept making funny cracks. every time he laughed, i laughed. his laugh is goddamn hilarious. he was a nice guy, though. when he found out that i was sick, after we had went home, (i guess he asked john's mom what we were doing and she mentioned nothing because i was lying down trying to feel better) he kept saying "make sure she takes some advil, it's in the blah blahblah." john was asking me, "are you sure you want to be involved?" and i asked "what are you talking about? of course i do." and he said "because once you get inside of this family circle, it's like you're blood. they will take care of you, this is going to be your second family. they know i care about you a lot, so they care for you too." i guess it's that country thing. so nice to feel that, though. his mother was so adamant on me eating before she went to bed (or seeing me eat, rather.) her microwave nuked the shit out of my food. it was so hot i burned myself on it, and she had only put it in there for a minute. (the mashed potatoes & meatloaf.) because i ate them separately, and didn't mash them together, she started making fun of me. lol she was like "do you eat like that all the time?" and i was like "what do you mean?" "separate things?" and i said i guess. she's like "oh no no, if that was me, blah blah blah." and john was like "it's official. you're white." lol then his brother came over to stop by, but i was lying down at this point. i only came out of the room to say hello to him and then went back to lay down again. mother has a hide-stash for her last cans of soda, and mike (brother) found it. later on, she called him and said "did you drink my soda?" and he said "no mom, that girl drank it." i was like wtf. and she's like "boy, i know that child did NOT drink my soda." she's a fuckin firecracker, y'know. loud and opinionated. hm. the next day, mike took 2 of her bottles of water with him to his house, and after he left, i said to john "he better not blame that shit on me too!" hah. while i was lying down, feeling sick, he was talking with his brother and mother in the living room. so fucking loud, all 3 of them together. jesus christ. i thought sharon/bunny/jenny were bad when i'm trying to sleep. ohhh no. ha. john kept popping in and out of the room to check if i needed water, vicks, tissues, orange juice, hugs and kisses, to be tucked in, wanted the station changed, etc. he was such a sweetheart to me. he kept saying "i get to take care of you, i get to take care of my baby." aw. i felt so bad because we didn't get to do what we originally planned, to go to fanueil hall and the surrounding area, go to bars, just do whatever. but he kept saying to me, "i'm not disappointed. we can drink anytime, you know, the main thing is that we're spending time together. it doesn't matter what we do." fanueil hall ended up getting flooded anyway, haha. or uh, the street next to it, at least. so, when his mother finally went to sleep, after showing me some pictures of little john and little her, he came in the room and we attempted to watch 88 minutes. we got about 15 minutes into it and couldn't stop touching each other. hah. whatever. so, you know where that went. and during, he was like, "come on girl, i can't hear you" and then he said "it's just me and you here" to which i'm thinking "what? your mom is sleeping in the other room." but i listened to him anyway. he was kind of loud himself, and... well. she was out during the day on saturday morning, and we had slept a couple hours during the night on friday. we woke up at around 7am saturday, and watched tv, lounged around, i was still feeling pretty sick. we went back to bed at like 3 in the afternoon and ended up waking up at 9 in the evening. john came to his mother and said "why didn't you wake me up?" and she responded with, "well if you had went to sleep at night instead of doin nookie you would've been all set." and i was like wtf. man that woman is so blunt. she's fucking funny though. one of the last things she said to me was, "when you leave, take it with you" (my cold.) lol oh, so in the morning on saturday before we drifted back to sleep, we did finish watching 88 minutes. it was okay. i ended up leaving the cell phones/movie there, and my bra, accidentally. whatever though. not really a big deal. around 3, john asked me if i was going to work tonight. i was like yeah right! ha. no. so he's like "you should call out now then, better to call out sooner than later." and i said yeah, so i called out. then we went to sleep. when we woke up at 9, he said he wanted to get papa john's. so i walked with him across the street to get some pizza that i could not taste. heh, so i only had one slice. but i'm sure that it was good. it was a meat lover pizza. never had one of those before. so, we just hung around and watched tv for the rest of the night. then at around 2 in the morning i said i should probably go. i was getting restless and more sick as the hours passed, and i knew he was sleepy. he got a little disappointed that i was going to leave but he said "i can't be mad at you for wanting to go." i thanked him for being so understanding, and it's strange because i had no intentions of staying there that long to begin with. i was going to leave saturday morning, but he was telling me that he wanted to make sure that i was physically okay before i even thought of driving anywhere. at some point on saturday night, he said, "i'm sorry you're sick, but i had a good time anyway. i got to spend the whole weekend with you." and he smiled and hugged me while saying it. he is so fucking laidback and happier when he's not at work (understandable.) i can't wait until i get my apartment so we can hang out like that more. lol, he ended up calling me his "boo" too, which made me crack up inside. it was really cute, though. it was friday, when i wasn't feeling well. i was really fucking hot and had the headache and sniffles and shit, and he was rubbing my back and hugging me and wrapping the blanket around me more and kept saying "aw, my baby's sick. my booboo... my boo boo's got boo boos. yucky boo boos. aw, my boo." and kissed my forehead. he is such a sweetheart. i did have a wonderful time with him. he said that he expected me to leave today, around 3 in the afternoon. i said there's no way that i could stay there that long, you know. first of all, i was sooo sick. second of all, i didn't want to impose on his mother like that. i mean, in the future i'd have felt more comfortable with that... but for now, i felt kind of strange about it. i see him tonight at work anyway. i told him that if i had my apartment already, he would've been coming home with me when i left yesterday. he said "i know." oh, i sort of felt bad too because he was going to hang out with his friends on saturday night and he didn't get a chance to because i was still there. but i no sooner felt badly about that, then he brought up "i'm glad i got to spend the whole weekend with you." i'm glad, too, but i still wish he could've spent some time with his boys. i know he doesn't get to do that often... and he sees me 3 days out of the week and talks to me every day. but he didn't complain, so i should not feel bad. i have to learn to accept things in that state of mind. well, i guess right now i am off to go packing after i watch the new degrassi. i've got some coffee so i'll be all set for quite a while. hey, for real... things are going really good. i mean, quick analysis: moving out in five days. independence, freedom, so on. john can come over whenever, stay as long as he wants, come and go as he pleases, we can have more great times like we did this weekend. i'll be living with my best friend, ann-marie, so we'll always be doing something stupid/crazy and laughing at one another about it. she is my little sister, for real, i love that girl to fucking death. aside her grandmother's passing, she has good things going on in her life right now too. she is with rob and she feels good about that. i'm so happy for her. i really am. off to pack some shit now. don't care WHAT my financial situation is in spring of next year, i am going to fucking school. bottom line, and that's final. i will sell every fucking thing i own to make that a reality. in the summer, i'm going to try to get a second job near the apartment so i can make a little bit extra money and pay off the credit cards and then save the rest of it towards school. fuck, i need that. i really do. i belong in school. i've known that for years and i've been fucking lazy and stupid about it. i've come to realize i'll never ever have that extra chunk of change just lying around to go to school with, so i'm setting a fucking deadline and doing it. period. |
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| i just got back from john's mother's. i was sick the whole time so i slept a lot. he drank at the house. we didn't get to go out drinking because i wasn't feeling well. that sucks. but it was a good time. i enjoyed spending time with him and everything. finally met his brother. funny guy . . . and his stepfather bob! HILARIOUS. hah. aw. i'm going to bed now because i'm drained. |
| Friday, April 25th, 2008 |
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unfortunately, ann-marie's grandmother passed away a few days ago. this prompted discussion of john's father's passing, and of my grandmother's passing. he is the only person i have ever really opened up to about my grandmother, which is so odd, considering how many people i thought i had been close with in the past, and just how little i shared about her/my memories/the time period. i honestly think that i was traumatized from her passing, because i know that i picked up cutting back then and i can't recall ever starting, how it came to be, what triggered it, or how i even knew about it as a means of escapism. really odd. i was eleven years old. it seems like every time we discuss his father, i'm reminded of particular things of my grandmother that i never really thought of before. it's very strange, in that way. i mean, for the first time in almost ten years, on the way home from work the other day, i thought about what she had looked like in the casket at the funeral home. isn't that strange? why had i blocked that out of my memory? it's like it was the only thing that i could see during that point in time. ann-marie was saying how it doesn't feel real to her yet, and i was telling john that she had felt that way, and i said that i hope it doesn't turn into something like what jenn's had (jenn is still in denial over her mother passing away.) he said that when his father died, he cried a little at first, and then during the wakes he didn't cry at all. then, finally, when they closed the casket and held the actual funeral, he lost it. i was the same way, and i had forgotten that... but once he put that key into my brain, it's like everything came flooding back. it was very strange. i also remember not crying when i heard that uncle norman died. i went to the funeral, and someone reading the eulogy (i can't remember who) mentioned him and his multicolored plastic cups, cans of pringles and puzzles, which is what broke me down. it's so fucking weird how little things like that have a massive impact on you. i had a dream that my mother was giving me a gift for my new apartment, and it was this quilt that my grandmother had started making me a little while before she slipped into a coma. it isn't finished, but in my dream it was. i don't know where it is, and i don't want to bother my grandfather about it because i don't feel it's right to... but i want it. i remember when we all went to the hospital when she had the accident. bobby was in new hampshire at the time, and he had to drive down. we were all in the emergency room that she was in, and i remember when he walked in. it was the first time i had ever seen my brother cry. he turned around almost as immediately as he walked in, and put his head against a pole and started to bawl. i remember at the hospital, devin telling me that it was going to be okay and she would be fine, and that she'd make us red potatoes and stuffing at thanksgiving later on that year. it would've been nice to have that fairy tale ending, you know. it really would have. it is the most god awful thing seeing someone that you love with your whole heart being hooked up to tubes, just a shell of the person that they were. someone who used to be so full of life and wonder, now unable to speak... or do anything on their own. i feel like puking right now, but i don't feel like crying. my god, she was so beautiful. selfless, appreciative, and pure. it will be ten years, this year. really hard to believe that it's been that long... and really hard to believe i'll ever be able to let go of the pain. |
| Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008 |
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| why can't i fucking find ecstasy... for christ's sake. i don't ask for much. i ask for a non addictive, non habit forming temporary break from the fucking world... once a year. that's all i ask! once a fucking year. jeez. you can have your alcohol and drink every goddamn weekend or puff your pipes and smoke your cigarettes every day. i just want this ONCE a year! bastards. |
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| i just got a book from some jehovah witnesses. i stood there, in front of them, in john's boxers, a t shirt and about four dozen scars on my arms listening to them ask me questions about it and read parts of their little book to me. and i didn't have the fucking balls to go back into the apartment because they were in their 40s/50s and seemed like genuinely nice people. the fucked up thing of it was, the dude had a briefcase, and i kept thinking, "is he gonna pull a gun out?" weird. |
| Monday, April 21st, 2008 |
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| i am very tired and i don't want to go to work. |
| Friday, April 18th, 2008 |
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i think i am going to sand & paint the desk and whatever else that i have and take it with me to the apartment! wouldn't that be awesome? i can do that on thursday, during the day, next week. i'll have thursday and friday off. then on friday i'll just go to boston with john and have an awesome time. he said he's taking me to faniel hall and the surrounding area before we go to his mother's. i wish i could stay the whole weekend, but i have to work. lame! it will be a fun time though, i know that. ahh, things are moving quickly! i'm so excited. why is it every time i give thought to college, like, "why can't i go RIGHT now?" i get this fucking pamphlet in the mail from bcc? this is the second time this has happened. if it happens a third time, y'know, that's my rest assured "stop being an idiot and do this, stacey, whether you can reasonably afford it or not, and take out a loan." for real. i'm dead sirrrrius. |
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chemical infection.
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