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And I will conquer worlds...!
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| Saturday, October 9th, 2004 |
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 Your beauty is inspiring. Your beauty is the kind that would inspire people to write poetry or paint beautiful artwork with. People think your absolutely gorgeous but you seem to think differently sometimes. Guys daydream about you but not just because of your lovely body but because of your face. Your kind of beauty can be characterized my flawlessness. Your so beautiful that usually people can't stop looking at you. You can be profound and really understand people's emotions You're a work of art inside and out. What kind of Beauty should you have? (girl) (PICS) brought to you by Quizilla Inspiring? *LAUGHS*  You're a "Green Angel". You're one person who is extremely protective of people around you (especially your friends) and you'd end up as a gaudian angel. You're stronger than most and aren't ashamed to show it. People know how tough you are and don't dare to mess with you when you get mad. You're real close with your friends and couldn't live wihout them so even in heaven, you want to help them. You know they'd want you as a gaudian angel and you'd love to be able to ensure safety of your friends for yourself because you're on of those "If you want something done right, do it yourself" kind of person. What Color Angel are You? (PICTURES) brought to you by Quizilla Mmm, yeah. |
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| Thursday, September 23rd, 2004 |
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In the honors comp lab again with the same three folks. The Christian boy is horrifically bigoted against non-straight people. This dismays me and has knocked down my opinion of him several pegs. I don't care whether others like homo/bisexuality or not, but blast, they at least need to tolerate it instead of spreading hate. No genuine, loving God/Goddess spreads hate. Not the Christian one, not the pagan ones, none. (Please ignore the Muslims' jihad.) Note to self--boys don't have "boobs". *rolls eyes amusedly* I'm wondering whether or not to keep posting in this journal. Kay and Brian are the only ones who read this and not my LJ, and since I friended Brian's LJ, he could keep up with my life there--he has access to the friendslocked personal entries. Kay, however, I won't abandon. *hugs to el'fao* Things have been shitty lately. I stayed the past two nights at Grama's and haven't seen Dad in two days. An improvement, in my estimation. But I won't give details... *shakes head* Too much shit to go through again. Not in school. But ahh, today was/is nice. I was late for my first class, but eh. I napped on a couch in the library while Joel studied next to me--it felt so nice. And then I woke up and we chatted. Then I went to Chem. And now I'm here. ^^; Spectator's name is Rob, and he's in my Honors seminar class which is in twenty minutes. We had to read The Apology of Socrates (written/scribed by Plato) for today--omfg boring. But, in a way, inspiring. Someone believed in himself and his god so strongly that, even faced with death, he never backed down on his truth. He was arrogant and keen and unyielding--and I respect that. Also, he made people think. That was rare back then, and it's still pretty rare today. It is FREEZING in here. Christian: "Go to heck. Go to heck and be lukewarm, and suffer at the hands of Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light." *laughs* Though he does seem to be overly prejudiced and almost fanatical in some ways, he still has his good points. Too bad he's so rigid that tolerance comes difficultly (or not at all) to him. Ah whell. I get to see Amy today. Taking her to Hovatter's Wildlife Zoo for the first time--gonna play with Fireyes and her sister. And not missing my damn chiropractor appointment either. Rar. Gonna post this and go now. Still have fifteen minutes to walk thirty feet to class (it's just down the hall), but still. ^^;; |
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| Wednesday, September 15th, 2004 |
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In the honors comp lab again. Got some interesting folks around me. Not sure if they're interesting in a good way. Kerry publicists are outside with a booth. Tee hee. I was going to stop, but eh. And most of these folks came into this lab griping about 'em. Now humans and genetics and buttcracks. These are honors students? -__-; Either way. *smirks at one boy who comments on her bookbag* I feel... happy and cocky. Always ends in an odd combination. Arrogant!smug!pleased!Sushi. ^^;; Gorgeous day out today. No one commented on my last post. No one cares. *laughs* Can't say I blame them. I'm sure you're all sick of hearing me bitch and moan about my life when I wax poetic about it half the time. *shakes her head* Hungry... *hears "oh, that's a pagan symbol" and that comment isn't associated with her pentacle* *glances over shoulder discreetly* Hmm. Well, one boy is Christian. The girl I think might have a pagan symbol tattoo. "Why wouldn't they serve breakfast in hell?" "I'm sure the coffee's hot." "They might serve hotdogs or something. I'd eat a hotdog in hell." Girl: "You know, there is no hell, or a heaven, or a God." Found one... she claims the Christian god is an ass. I'm amused. Strong Christian vs. apparent atheist/pagan. Tee hee. *listens amusedly* *yawns* I'm hungry, yo. Planning new story. Looking forward to writing it. Though it might seriously screw with some folks' minds. =D But then, a lot of mine do. *stomach eats teh Sush'* This amuses me. It's literally illegal to have sex before marriage? =O__o= I don't believe that... is it true? Guys, you who are more "up" on the legal system than I am? Is it? Looking forward to the honors orientation in *checks watch* forty minutes. The girl's a very strong realist. Other Spectator: "Speaking to an Honors student about faith is harder than speaking to a normal student about faith." Christian: "Not necessarily. Sometimes intelligence breeds faith." Andi (in her head): Tee hee. ...gay joke. =D Andi: *struggles really hard not to laugh* This Christian looks like Jordan Harsh and pretty much acts like him. =D Spectator: *gets petted by Christian and gives him A Look* Doesn't work on me (=offend me), man, I'm bisexual. Andi: OMFG. =*_____*= I am so, so, so amused. And this Christian is very intelligent and pretty logical. Kay, you should be proud. =^_^= I love people who can debate and question religion intelligently, without anger or prejudice. <3! This is great. I'm just gonna keep typing, unless I get hauled into the convo. Fun to listen to. Mree hee. =D Christian: "You can have fun and do Christian, Godly things." Ooh, damn, the girl's sharp. =D And the Christian's strong. Kudos to both. Wanna know if the girl's pagan or not. Too bad I'm turned away from her... if she caught sight of my necklace, mebbe she'd say something to me. Sushi = non-outgoing. ^^;; Aaand we get into violence/Christianity/etc. I'm thirsty. And hungry. Girl: "You can't have a war movie without violence! You can't have a war movie with fluffy little pink bunnies!" Other Spectator: "That'd be pretty fun if you did, though." Andi (in her head): LOL. So very Jordan-like. Tee hee. Only Jordan isn't a strong Republican Christian. Must post. Comp shutting down. Dammit. Added Later Tee hee. Now the Christian's talking about picking up hot Christian chicks. Christian: "God loves capitalism." Spectator: "God thinks capitalism sucks balls, and that's a quote." **amused** By the way, Kay, hope none of this offends you. You should be proud of your Christian boy up here--he's good. =^_^= *snerk* Now the boys (Spectator and Christian) are talking about dating younger (i.e. freshman-in-high-school) girls. The Christian likes chick flicks. *amused*... I think I'm going to continue to be amused for the rest of the day, now. Girl's b/f is in Iraq. >,< Tee hee. These guys are great. I wonder if Spectator is really bi. ^^;; Been wondering the same about the boy I hang with here, too. Joel. Must do college/car post SOON. Dammit. ^^;; *eyetic* Christian boy has weird sense of humor. And is total antisex (though he isn't a virgin). ^^;; Talk gets interesting. Antisex vs. sex is goood. I'm hugely surprised that anyone my age-ish can be so strongly antisex. He's also never touched alcohol (but then, neither have I). Odd parallelisms. =O_O= *hears crack about Vice Versa and giggles* I like pretending to be not listening. Even though I can't help but laugh sometimes at what they say. Wonder if the girl's reading over my shoulder--she's on the couch behind me. I would be so amused. *gets comment on her typing* Whoo. *smirk* Christian talking about euphoria not induced by drugs. I've felt that. *grins* And the funny thing? These three are all friends. ^^;; Mmf. La la la. la. la .a lala la. al a. ala. lal .. l. *dies* Christian: "God put animals on this earth for me to eat. Including dogs and cats." Andi: *takes large plastic baseball bat to him... in her mind* That is one of the two things I hate most about Christianity. (The other is the whole women-are-inferior bit.) I have no problems with Christians (who aren't trying to convert me or bash me) and no real enmity towards Christianity itself, but some little things just get my hackles up. I'm thirsty. Hunger went away, though. Going to post this now. Still have like... twenty minutes until my next class, but hell. *shrug* Can't think of anything else to type. Bye guys. <3! |
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| Sunday, September 12th, 2004 |
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So... maybe I need to write this out. Maybe it'll help. I don't know. For all I know, writing it out will just immortalize the pain. But then, I've done that a lot before. ( Cut for angst and my sanity. ) |
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| Saturday, September 11th, 2004 |
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Like omg I'm still in college but goofing off on the 'net! =O_O= *mind boggles at the concept of not studying between every class* ...[/sarcasm]. Been feeling bitchy lately. Not entirely sure why. Well, bitchy/fried/stressed/inexplicably happy, but you know. It all rounds up to bitchy to the 3rd power. *in Honors Program lounge/computer lab* Heh. Gotta watch which sites I visit, since there are other folks in here. Bad enough me looking at my LJ friends page, considering the communities I belong to. ^^; Note to self--write a half-decent entry on college, family, and cars very soon. You guys need (okay, not need) to be updated on my life. I'm sure you all care so very much. No, really. *attempts to end bitchiness* I'm not actually unhappy or upset. Well, not right now. Just uber-snarky. It smells good in here. Like sugar cookies. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm food. OMGhungry. I have about twenty minutes 'til French 311 H starts, and then after that class is over, I need to finish my Art Appreciation Honors essay I feel fried to the extreme. Like I can't "wake up" and be totally conscious. I'm up and moving and thinking on a very basic level, but I'm able to write because I bypass my consciousness. (No, not my conscience.) Emotions go straight to fingers and you get these run-on, HTML-ified, basic-grammatical-structure, bad-vocabulary sentences. Yep. I have nothing to do. Nothing to do and all the so-comfy couches in the library were occupied. Damn them. I need a nap. I feel like chibi-Hiei. A cute little snarky beast that people stalk and want to glomp--but he'd fry them in an instant. }=D Ph33r meh. I miss mri'sai like whoa. We never get to talk anymore. Two little things called sleep and school get in the way too much. Oh, and work, on my end. Sigh. I'm in the doghouse there, too. Dammit. This is my ranting entry, I guess. Enjoy. *smirk* I don't really care about anything anymore... 'cept mri'sai and my gang. Oh, and writing. Writing is once more at the top of my favorites list. <3 writing. <3 my LJ friends... <3 my werewolves (part of writing, I know)... <3 my RPers whom I never talk to anymore... yeah. <3 to all of you. Snarky + <3s = one screwed-up Sushi. Oi. *leaves* |
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| Tuesday, August 17th, 2004 |
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I'm sleep-deprived, so here's a spiffy-cool meme, yo. If I were a month I would be: May If I were a day of the week I would be: Wednesday If I were a time of day I would be: 9h30 PM If I were a planet I would be: Neptune If I were a direction I would be: north If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: a soft, cushy dog-bed big enough for a person to curl up in If I were a liquid I would be: mercury (well...) If I were a stone, I would be: hematite If I were a tree, I would be: maple =D If I were a bird, I would be: cowbird (tee hee) If I were a tool, I would be: hammer If I were a flower/plant, I would be: spider plant! If I were a kind of weather, I would be: a cool wind on a warm summery day in the mountains If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a werewolf If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a bodhran (Irish drum) If I were an animal, I would be: lioness If I were a color, I would be: royal purple If I were an emotion, I would be: seeking If I were a vegetable, I would be: corn If I were a sound, I would be: wind in the trees If I were an element, I would be: earth If I were a car, I would be: Pontiac Grand Am, thanks =D If I were a song, I would be: Run, Wolf Warrior (Wolf's Rain) If I were a book, I would be: Seeker If I were a place, I would be: Cooper's Rock If I were a material, I would be: heavy silk If I were a taste, I would be: mint If I were a scent, I would be: hazelnut If I were a religion, I would be: animism If I were an object, I would be: a dreamcatcher If I were a body part I would be: hands If I were a facial expression I would be: awe If I were a subject in school I would be: creative writing If I were a cartoon character I would be: Samurai Jack (XD) If I were a shape I would be: a spiral |
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| Monday, August 16th, 2004 |
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I guess... something... Hmm. Well, let's see. College starts in less than a week, and my girlfriend will be moving to a place in another state that's a good almost-three hours driving distance. I don't have my schedule finalized, I don't have a clue what the hell is going on at Fairmont, and internally, my emotions and my psyche have picked a really shitty time to give me trouble. So yeah. Work rocks. I've been there howevermany weeks now and I still love it as much as I did the first week, if not more. I love my coworkers and the place and some of my customers. Eyeing my FSU schedule, I'll still be able to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday... possibly Thursday morning, depending on whether or not I get into that damnable French class whose damnable prof has not yet replied to my emails. Also cursing too much. Nearly slipped up several times with Mom. That would NOT be good, yo. Still got the ghetto talk. *snerk* Oh, yeah, did I mention the drive from here to FSU is an hour in good weather after I get used to the drive (which I'm not yet)? I've never driven to FSU at all. Today was my first time on the interstate (no biggie). I'm leaving myself an hour and a half to get there for now, and it'll probably be that long in winter. Oh, and on Tuesdays, I won't get home 'til 9:00 PM. Shit, yo. That's effing late. Buying a car in the next week or two. Dad's giving me 2000$, I have my '93 Chevy Cavalier to trade in for 500$ (it has six brand-new tires going with it, w00t), and I have 500$+ of my own money. I'm hoping I don't have to use more than 500$, but hey, if I do, I do. Need a car that'll survive winter drives. And the interstate. (OMFG, the thought of driving the interstate in winter at night scares me.) I don't particularly want to get rid of Sora--I mean, gods, I have driving him down to a fine art--but I'd like a 6-cylinder. A little better car, you know? My back hurts. Usually does after work. I am so looking forward to NaNoWriMo this November. Frickin' w00t, yo. I'm rambling. I'll give you guys details on my OC trip and Kitty's stay here in WV later, when I can think straight and am in a better state of emotion. Just be glad I'm listening to Run, Wolf Warrior instead of Coming Closer (by L'Arc-en-Ciel). Don't ask--just breathe a sigh of relief. Brian, I've decided that I'm overly angsty by nature. Please line the frying pans with something soft and fluffy before beating me, 'kay? Thanks. Oh, and because I'm just this way, I wanna tell everyone on my friendslist how much I love them. Because I uber-<3 all of you guys, for various reasons, but I do <3 y'all all the same. ~_^ Ph33r the ghetto/country/netspeak accent. Trouble in all venues, but love in all of 'em too. Which means I'm one big walking contradiction, but that's nothing new. I played with Fireyes when Kitty and I went to Hovatter's Wildlife Zoo Saturday. You have no idea how... Well, let me explain first. Fireyes is a young male tiger (hehe, whom I've now adopted! XD), and his cage happens to be parallel the walkway, so that only six or so feet separates the walkway rail and his cage. There's a tree near the rail along his cage, too. And, well, he's a very intense feline. "Playing" consists of him stalking me and then trying to pounce--but the thing is, he's literally playing. He isn't hunting me. He'll stalk me and then pounce, and we'll run along the side of his cage together, and when I try to hide behind the tree, he'll stalk me some more... and when I crouch then stand up, as though leaping, he'll rear up and raise his paws to show that he's taller than I am. And, the amusing thing is, he only does this with me. When a group of humans came over, seeing that Fireyes was done "napping" since I had approached him, he just looked at them, looked at me, and sprawled down again. He won't play with them. When he looks at me, I don't think he sees a human. Why would a tiger play with a human, when humans are meat and humans are dangerous rivals and humans are his captors? He sees a young lioness. Someone his size and his spirit, someone to play with, despite the fact that we're separated by two fences. He sees kin. Thank you, Fireyes, for everything you've taught me... and the kinship that you offer. I'm tired. Really, really, tired. But happy. Mostly happy. Shit is flying around like a tornado swept through a cow pasture, but I'm still happy. *dodges cow pie as it sails past* You know, I rather like the smell of the barn. Hay and cow/horse manure and wood and animals. It smells good to me. I like driving at night, my hair down and nothing but my tires on the pavement and the wind against my skin to be heard. I like it. I like coming home with the knowledge that, when I come online, mri'sai will be there. Whatever I feel, whatever I think, whatever happened that day--good or bad--I can tell her all of it, and she'll understand. She doesn't judge me, she doesn't hurt me, she doesn't get angry at me. Despite all my flaws, she still loves me. That's why she's my sister. So I'm happy. Angsty, but happy. Okay, ending entry on that note. Good to end on a good note, you know? |
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| Saturday, August 14th, 2004 |
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Run, wolf warrior, to ends eternal Through the wreckage of the death of the day Scent of silence under starlight spinning A captured beast within a human skin Are you searching for long lost landscapes Lit by flowers and crystal cascades? Where the lamb lies down with the lion Where the wolf is one with the wild Run, wolf warrior, through kingdoms' chaos Senseless cities and ghost towns towering Howl, O hunter, though few know you're crying Face upturned into that midnight moon Are you hunting for mystic mountains Where the air is like liquid laughter? Where the beasts inherit the earth Where the last again will be first Run, wolf warrior, to hide your hunger The rain will wash away the pains of the day In your eyes there are cold fires burning Tongues of flame that can never be tamed Are you running from Man's delusion Majestic madness and your exclusion To where the lamb lies down with the lion? Are you running down ancient pathways Through this dark and deserted land To where man is once more a child? Are you running to freedom's fortress By the side of wide open seas Where the wolf is one with the wild? Run, run, run... Run, run, run, run, run, run on, run on through the rain... |
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| Sunday, August 1st, 2004 |
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The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis! Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test **amused** |
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| Sunday, July 18th, 2004 |
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 Your element is earth: Wise, solitary, mysterious and loving. You are very wise. Your wise as in you know things others do not, you can see past stereotypes and see the real people behind their facades, and people will often come to you for help and advice. Quite solitary and somewhat shy around people because you prefer animals and plants, animals aren't afraid to show themselves or what they are feeling and plants are fun to nurture. You are very strong in your silence if you set your mind on something you will often times pursue it to the end. Sometimes you just want to get away, so you seek refuge in the forest where you can have time to think and try to sort out your emotions. The sound of the wind usually calms you, especially moving through the trees. Life to you is something precious and should not be taken for granted. .:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers- brought to you by Quizilla I <3 the uber-accurate results. =D |
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| Monday, July 12th, 2004 |
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My first day working at Foodland (which happens to be my first job ever) was last Friday, 9h to 2h. It was a training day, as was today (same hours), as will be tomorrow. I have a smock, and tan jeans, and a temporary nametag, and a noticeable lack of a real nametag, a punch-in card, and the necessary paperwork so that I can be paid every week. We'll get there tomorrow. I really, really enjoy it. I'm writing this entry because I just caught the Foodland scent (clean fridge and unopened bread), and it made me happy inside. I didn't give myself time to be nervous before going to work on Friday, which was good, otherwise I would've been twitching. *grin* Harry (the big boss) showed me around and gave me a briefing, then got me a (used *sigh*) smock and a makeshift nametag and put me with Tracy, a nice lady on the first register who began showing me things as the odd customer filtered through. I was with her for an hour, then Kim (a middle/high school friend of mine) came in, and I went with her. Stayed with her for the entire day--took my break with her--and learned oodles. (Those with five-hour shifts only get a fifteen-minute break. Eight-hour workers get a break before and a break after a half-hour lunch.) I watched mostly, as I didn't feel ready to start scanning stuff myself, and played bagger when things got really busy. I met two of the baggers--Jason (short, skinny, quietish dude with spiked, highlighted hair) and Kaleb (bigger, very funny, very outgoing dude). Kaleb saw me bagging as he came back from taking a customer's stuff outside and said, "You missed your calling." It was funny. =D I had fun. Left at two, went over to Pizza Hut (which is in the same plaza of little stores as Foodland) and ate cheesesticks. Omgsogood. =D Today I was with Kim from the start and also scanning right away. I learned that Tracy leaves her register a lot and I met Stephanie, a blonde about my age. Kim and I again took our break together, and when she took her lunch at 1h, I went with Stephanie, since I'm not allowed to be at a register alone yet. However, Stephanie left for about five minutes to take a call-in order, and then left me alone for the next twenty minutes while she went shopping for the person. Kim came back from lunch before Stephanie did. During my time alone, I learned that Foodland has a meat special (I had to deduce how to ring it up), got a void (aka accidentally scanned something twice), and had to call over another cashier to handle a rain check (since I didna know how). I was more amused than anything else, and the customers laughed at my expressions while scanning their stuff. I went back with Kim when she got back from lunch, let her take over scanning when the line got long ('cause she's so much faster than I am--she's worked there for almost a year and is practically full-time), and left at 2h. Cheesesticks awaited. *grins* Tomorrow will be my third and last day of training, and I'll still be with Kim. I'm looking forward to it. Yes folks, Sushi is one of the dorks who enjoys her part-time peon job-- Spongebob is on! SQUEE! ... I am the highest class of dork. ^^;; Anyways. I figured I wouldn't keep the job through school (since I don't need the money--living at home, tuition paid for, plus a 500$ scholarship and another 1500$ one :D), but if my classes don't grind me into the dust, I just might. It's not psychological torture like I half-imagined... it's actually fun. (Yeah, I know, I'm only two days in and saying this. Might change, sure. But still.) Harry is really good about working around students' school hours, whether they're in college or in high school. And the money would be useful... I could work through just my freshie year, then float the rest of the time on scholarships and savings. *G* The entire point of this entry was to say that the smell (and thus the feel) of Foodland makes me happy inside. =^__^= |
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| Saturday, July 10th, 2004 |
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 BLUE:
What Color is Your Brain? |
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| Friday, July 9th, 2004 |
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 You're an Aquaya!
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| Thursday, July 8th, 2004 |
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I haven't talked with Amy for five days now. She hasn't been online 'cause her uncle had a heart attack + pneumonia. As much as I'm worried for him, I'm also going into girlfriend-deprivation. Even though I know her parents want to keep the phone lines clear all the time until he stabilizes/gets out of intensive care/I don't know, I'm going to call her tomorrow. I miss my girlfriend. I start my first day of work at my first job tomorrow. At Foodland. @_______x;;;;; |
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| Wednesday, July 7th, 2004 |
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 You're a Black Korat! You strike a deadly balance between speed and strength, mind and body. Your kindred are some of the most skilled and deadly warriors, but you also love to socialize. You're smarter, more lingual, and far more cunning than your fellow Korats. You're tall and toned, muscular but sleek and possibly the most beautiful of the four breeds. Ana is your Original. Which Korat Breed Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Sunday, July 4th, 2004 |
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I don't ever want to be like him. Ever. Take the hint and learn the lesson, Sushi--don't be like him. Don't ever do that. Don't ever disregard another soul--don't ever harm something or someone just to vent. Don't you ever. |
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How is it possible to hurt while you're numb? Pain isn't supposed to seep through shell-shock. It really isn't. Not like this pain--this numbness--is anything new. We'd been doing so well, Dad and I--hadn't argued--had been having fun. He'd been paying me for major housework jobs--like scrubbing our so-very-discreetly-grungy kitchen. Took me two full days--got 50$ off it, since I still don't have a job. (Which might change tomorrow--manager at Foodland told me to come in tomorrow morning to talk with him. Cross your fingers for me. ...not that I want a job, except to stop my parents from sniping about it...) And yeah, it was that sniping that got me to speak with the slightest hint of an "attitude" in my voice to Dad earlier this evening. He keeps bugging me about getting a job, not really grasping the point that I'm trying my best to get one. Not understanding that I'm going in for what could be an interview or a sort of trial-workday tomorrow (Harry didn't tell me--just told me to come...). And I'm not exaggerating when I say 'the slightest hint'. I sounded about 5% exasperated. So it's my fault, this time. Isn't it? Can the catalyst be blamed for the whole explosion, or is all the destruction the A-bomb's fault? Is the trigger ultimately responsible for death, or is it the bullet? I don't know. I'll take the blame. He throws it at me furiously enough. I hate humans sometimes. I hate being forced to live with them and interact with them on their level instead of my own. I hate fake smiles and pretended compassion and false interest in someone's life or health or self. I hate the shudder of rage in all-too-human muscles when he's screaming in my face. It Never happened, never will. Worst he's ever done was grab my shoulder hard enough to stop me suddenly as I was walking by. That was enough to get every hackle raised, every fang bared, and I know I stared at him with a predator's wide, wary gaze as he screamed in my face. Worst I've ever done is spoken the truth of how I feel in a cold, hard voice as silent tears soaked my face and he listened. (He still remembers me as being unspeakably cruel that night.) So nothing's atypical. Mom just finished a hellacious weekend--two double-shifts on Friday and Saturday, then the morning shift today. Her entire workweek in three days, and if Pizza Hut acknowledged overtime, she would have gotten it. And she had hurt her back/neck first, then something bit her ankle--it's swollen--she worked over/through all that. Still limping today, though her back feels better. Me? This is the ... wait, I can't say that. This isn't the first day off in a while for me--I ran errands--but this is the first day without a time-consuming chore to do. Was going to mow Grama's lawn and finish up our own--it rained about a half hour before I was going to leave. I was happy about that. I had fun this morning, on my five hours of sleep, dancing to Nickelback in the wonderfully empty house... Try to give you warning / but everyone ignores me / I told you everything loud and clear / but nobody's listening / call to you so clearly / but you don't want to hear me / I got a heart full of pain / head full of stress / handful of anger / held in my chest / uphill struggle / blood sweat and tears / nothin' to gain / everything to fear I've been listening to Meteora for the last few days. It's good working music. Good angst music too. I guess this is what this is? Angst? *shrug* Brian, if I'm getting too angsty, get out the frying pan and smack me. Please. **sigh** I try to keep the peace. By all the gods, I try. He doesn't compromise. He doesn't control his temper. He doesn't watch what he says or does. He doesn't care about keeping the peace. He doesn't care if he hurts me. Sometimes, I can't keep it together all on my own. He doesn't help. Ever. I can't remember a time where he didn't say something in anger--cut back a cuss word while yelling at me--or extend a hand when in anything but a generous, jovial mood. I love my father. But I hate this man who takes his place from time to time. |
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| Sunday, June 27th, 2004 |
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 Your soul is OPTIMISTIC. You tent to look to the brighter side of things, and your positive outlook on life makes others happy. People love your open, unassuming nature and your innocent belief in good for you, the grass on your side of the fence is always greener. You are rarely, if ever, pessimistic or doubtful, and you try your hardest to make life the best it can be, for yourself and others. You are a joyful and radiant soul. What Is Your Soul's Trait? brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Thursday, June 24th, 2004 |
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I'm finally grieving for Kitz. I cried. I am so depressed right now... I ... gods............. I want to ellipse myself into oblivion at this point. She's gone. There is a huge hole in my life. In my self. You never know how important something--or someone--is until they're gone. I knew this to be true last fall/winter. I know it to be true, again, now. There's something in me that badly needs to care for something small and young and helpless. The need has been there for... a week? Gods, I don't know. I've been carefully ignoring it. Carefully ignoring how empty the entire house feels without Kitz. Carefully ignoring how bull-headed and uncompromising my parents are being with regards to my getting a kitten. Especially when doing so wouldn't set us back any more than where we'd been when Kitz was still with us. Carefully ignoring the tears as they threaten to overflow again. Carefully ignoring the gaping hole in my chest. I have a huge stuffed leopard in my lap--three feet long--and I'm crying into him. Goddess, take this pain away... |
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 Cocktail ?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla  Waterfall ?? Which Natural Wonder Or Disaster Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla |
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And I will conquer worlds...!
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sad.
friggin' COLD.
starving.
horrible.
bitchysnarkywhoa.
entertained.
neutral.
exhausted.
gentle.
awake.
nervous.
depressed.