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Everything feels so much more fuzzy now, but I'll try to assemble it in my head as best I can.
So about a week ago, I missed a few days strait of my meds. Between running out, getting sick, and then misplacing the bag with my meds in it for a few days, I was out of Depakote for about 3-4 days.
Things have been much less...steady as of late.
I guess the appropriate metaphor would be to liken Depakote to safety net...a safety net above a gapping maw on anger, self-loathing, hatred, and rage. All of the are molten, red hot, and furious. Now, for the past month or so, that net felt like it was made of some sort of bullet proof matieral. Between the meds, the better sleep, and the increased communication and everything I had no problem keeping myself focused. That is to say I had less of a problem; it was still there, hot as ever. But I could rise above it with little effort; I was safe.
Then I missed those couple of days. At first, I didn't realize anything was different; then I started acting odd and very heated when I was playing WoW and it didn't go well. Then a couple of blips on the radar at home and at work. Nothing major...but...notable. Stuff I couldn't just walk past, though I tried to. Where before it seemed it couldn't touch me, suddenly it couldn't be gone from me. It attached itself with amazing vigor and force.
It feels like my safety net, once strong and resilient, has turned into little more then a spider's web. While I'm not about to stop using medicine (that would be a dumb dumb idea), I'm beginning to wonder about how smart an idea it is; the medicine is great until I don't have it, and then it's just like I was before only worse, because now I'm no longer used to it and so it's like going thru all that hell all over again.
Fun hunh?
Well, the plot thickens.
You see, whether I have a great safety net or a shitty safety net, the one thing I can count on is that when my stress levels get high, for any reason, anything else that is bothering me shows up suddenly.
As in...
"Grr...can't believe I have to stay late at work...and I also hate how my mother talks down to me all the time...um..wait what?"
Stuff like that...only the "wait what?" happens like an hour later.
So, needless to say, I'm on the pizza station at work. I'm trying to wrap it up a little early so I can get the fuck out of there on time. My manager, for very good manager reasons, elected not to. Stress...+1. Then I started getting absolutely zerged with Pizzas. Two Pizzas in an order...
Sidenote: Dude. You and your skinny bitch of a girlfriend are not eating both of those Pizzas. She looks like she is going to vomit her lunch the moment you're not looking at her. So why bother me with your insane order? Two Crispanis....fuck you both.
Anyhoo...
So yeah, the orders started piling in, and it was all down hill from there. Now, I didn't hit the uber-crazy yelling screaming cry phase I normally hit. However Iw as shaking enough and my movement was erratic to the point where I ruined two or three doughs because of it.
Then I started getting mad at Mary Ann.
Backtrack: Came to a conclusion about living with parents and with Mary Ann. In a nut shell, it's bad for me. I go from one area where there is order, a certain set of reasonable expectation from my partner to another area where...I live and I still have a certain set of reasonable expectation from my partner.
Except now I'm out here floating by myself and that same set of expectations doesn't feel like it works the same; it can't. I'm not living there. I'm living somewhere else. I feel like I have the social pressure of someone who is living with her even when I'm not. I have those same expectations, and I'm being told I can't live there and I'm getting exhausted.
However, even bigger then that is that all that carefully organized progress and order suddenly dissolves into nothing outside of that house. The rich and fulfilling network of help and caring just seems not to work outside of that house. Not that it isn't there mind you. It's just I suddenly feel much more alone and nothing seems to feel like it did. I have a very strong feeling that my mood swings aren't just because of the Deapkote either; I think it's because after a month of everything being the way it needs to be, it changed back to me living at my parents.
Blah.
So I relayed a good portion of this to Mary Ann last night, save for the "expectations" part, because I honestly just sorta stumbled upon that in the process of writing this thing.
She takes it all in, and tells me she'll think about me moving back in after I get an okay from her father...which is an understandable move in theory, though I consider it somewhat redundant at this point. Still, manners is manners I suppose.
So there I am at work. Getting angry. About Mary Ann. Who is not there. Yeah, weird.
First it was that she would have to think about it. Which I can understand and not understand at the same time. If you took the grand total of our relationship, compressed it, and put all the good moments together and the bad moments together, then there would be at least a year and a half of shit out of three and a half. That's saying that each week, half of it would suck. Yuck. That can lead to some resent, bitterness, and play out right fear and I don't think you can blame anyone for that reaction.
And yet I think about the month I lived there. A month! A fucking month! With no interruptions! To top it off I had to be the one to say "Honey, I should go home now"...and I had to say it many times in a row. That's really sort of a mixed signal. What sort of pain staking, time bending, possibility ending choices needed to be made that didn't come up in the last month?
Further, I was also insulted by the implied need of thinking time. Trite though it may be, I'm only human; it's really easy to feel a little less loved in the process, even if it's only in your head. However, it's hard to counter the arguments you make up at times like those. "If she truly loved you and forgave you, why aren't you allowed to live in the house you lived in for two years?" isn't the sort of question you're able to just rebound back from, even if it's a pedantic mess of crap.
Then came logic, who stomped over all that he surveyed like some sorta Super Ego-based Godzila. Only he didn't stomp. He postulated. He asked questions. Dangerous questions. Questions like "What right does she have to get defensive about the fact that it's her house now? For years you told her that it wasn't your home, and then she would insist that it was. What right does she have to take that back? What right does she have to change her mind about where your heart resides?"
Again, those are the questions that calm minds have a hard time answering, so in my angst driven state I was frothing. I was angry. I wanted her to say yes last night, even though I hadn't expected it. However not only did I not get yes, I got "I'm not even thinking about it until you do X". And while X is talk to her father, and a really good idea aside of it, I'm still left fuming from it.
Why can't I get an answer? I think I ended up making it a little softer then it was last night. I told her "I can say that this is outright harmful, but I know it isn't good for me". I think the actual case is that it IS harmful for me, that any sort of progress I make right now is going to be uphill because of it and there is no really good reason for it to be that way, and that I cannot do this on my own in any way shape or form. I simply don't feel capable of it.
Needing to think on it...it just makes me angry. I need this, and I'm begining to wonder if the lack of it won't destroy the relationship outright. Just simply explode it; I'm so vulnerable right now and I don't know how to make sense of anything that makes the vulnerability ache or hurt in any way. I just loose it, because I've felt that sensation one to many times before; the moment before the metaphorical piercing of the flesh.
ick...I feel so emo right now. Blah.
I need to return to my life, and I'm ready to do that now. However, I'm certain I can't do it correctly with the scenario as it stands. This needs to end or it will honestly probably go very sour very soon.
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irritated
hopeful
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calm
hungry
exhausted
contemplative
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awake