| [ Thanatos, if I can't be yours... ] |
[Feb. 1st, 2003|09:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | so...very...dead | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Eskimo Joe - The Panel | ] |
Tadaima.
Yeah, I'm home. And sort've confused. More like braindead. Combined lack of sleep, and deep metaphorical, metaphysical, and psychological contemplation of the universe, man kind, motives, complex neural workings, and philosophical thinking has sort've got the best of me.
In finally had my Evangelithon. Even if this wasn't mine. Quick summary, for my own further reference, and to bore you people.
After school it was onto the North Haven bus with Alex and Jake...well, not immediately though. We had more like a 15+ minute wait for the bus to rock up, some traffic jam excuse or something. We made it on, crammed everyone in, and all that kind've buisness. And got off at the second stop it made.
It was from there back to Jake's to dump stuff off, make some calculations, talk some, and head down the shops. Get supplies (read: food) and get back. Muck around for some. Watch trippy Bjork video clips. Bjork is cool, sort've got some technoy type songs there. Might give a look or something some time.
Yeah. Had some tea. We started at 7:30pm and tore through as many discs as we could until stopping, rather conviniently on time, at midnight. Jake had to work the next day (today) so he needed sleep, and I would've happily also drifted off...he went to his room for sleep, I was in the room with the tv where Alex had figured to watch the Snatch dvd he had brought along. Urgh. I didn't really have much interest in watching it...so I sort've slipped into a hellish void where I was sleeping but awake, and trying to digest story forcefully, and trying to answer comments when they were asked but failing. Yeah. Eventually, though, I found myself at the end, and sort've wordlessly, after everything was turned off, slept. Somewhat well. Except I lost my pillow halfway through the night and couldn't be arsed groping around in the dark to retrieve it and so, in the tired daze again, drifted. Until before I knew it, we were being woken. And watched the remainder of Eva, and did a lot of freeze-framing for EoE, and checked out a lot of stuff. I think I picked up something like 6 new things this viewing round from everything, and watching it all in a row really helped. It would've been so much nicer of the other two were a little more Japanese language enthusiastic and we could've watched it subbed...but I think Jake doesn't like missing visuals when reading the subs and stuff.
I realised, that sometime through watching it, I was happy. Or...at least...serene, I was quiet sure, I was thinking, I was contemplative, but I was -there-. I existed, because I existed in the minds of the others, and I exist in the minds of others. Yet when I cower myself in my room and feel no motivation to go outside...I deteriorate my existance...
Yeah. Maybe there's a different me depending on the person to see me. And -this- is why, in everyone's mind, there is a different me. The me one person knows, the me one person laughs with, the me someone may one day love...it's all about finding them. I am me, sure, but different reflections in people.
I sound like Eva. It's probably getting to my head. But it's true. Or I believe it to be, anyway. Very deep. It sends tingles down my spine. Just -being- in a goal of Zen, it's a balance, it's calm, it's existence...supreme...existance.
If I exist, then why do I feel like nothing so often? I...hate the words of others. So often. I think I hate 'dai suki', I think I hate the words I use, nay, the modified vocabulary I use to inflate everything out of a proportion that realistic. Simple words. I should speak simple. But the problem is that when I make assumptions like that, I'm going against societies dos-and-donts. It's shaking a finger at me.
Bah. It sucks. Stuff. But I know there's the possibility to be happy.
Why do teenagers get this? What is this purpose?
No. Purpose. No purpose. No. I mustn't think and expect and demand answers, my childish crys will forever go unanswered, even if searching it what it takes to uncover it, searching is the sad task of looking for what is lost or never known. 'Man fears the darkness and so scrapes at the edge of it with fire'...hostility is not what I ever want to have to feel again. Or anything anyone should ever have to feel.
Everyone thinks of everyone else so differently. I feel like I have to be right, because everyone has to be. School teachs the one way that everything is, 'view' is spelt with four letters. The Sin of a given angle will always be equal to the Opposite side's length divided by the hypotenuse...static, it's all the same, always. One way is right. I get this enforced on me so often. So if one person is one thing, why and how can another person see them as something different?
Is this or difference? Or significance?
No. I'm way too deep for myself, and getting nowhere. Thoughtless rambling without destination, and with no goal, and with no possibility of sucessful uncovery. The search...
That must be why I shut my heart, for now, from searching, because it was premature, it never needed to be...not yet. I'm too young. Although I don't know how old I feel. I'm childish, but too...aged, I'm past it. Superprobability, superimpositioning...
I should do Quantum physics. I liked that stuff. So much for that. In science, we're doing fucking fitness.
Fuck. The journals of two individuals...I...hate going back, but every day I do. Every time I write up an entry, I can't stop myself. I can't tear myself from returning, even though it'll never be - it takes two wills, it's not time, I'm young and make too much of a fuss...
If I were a couple of years older by body, perhaps by mind and by spirit and soul...
But it depresses me, and reading some words just arn't easy. But I challenge myself by reading on. What -are- my limits, and how do I control? Why do I have no want to turn away, just turn my head, and accept some things are better without me?
After all, I'm not the important cause of pain, and I feel...jealous? Yes. I think I feel jealous. That I'm not the big one. The real stress causer. Instead, I'm in the shadows towards the back of the main picture. There, but minor. That's.../good/, I think, but I feel...
Urgh. I'm egotistical. Alison was so right. And I feel so worthless. I feel like nothing.
At least I've lost my will to tear. It gets me nowhere. Just like writing all this...
I get so lonely here at home somtimes when no one is online...but sometimes just seeing people on contact list is enough to comfort me...just watching names as the scroll onto the screen...
I'm so afraid of failure, and that's exactly what I'm meant to do...
Take the World of Darkness Quiz
by David J Rust
I was probably bias in my answers though, le sigh. I'm bias a lot, I think. But I try to be truthful - I mean that for life... |
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