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Friday, March 31st, 2006
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9:15 pm - Graduating
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In the fall. I signed up for graduation, and it was a big step! I'm very excited to be done with school, but worried for my future. So many gears moving here now. Especially in my own head.
Ah I amuse myself. A long day of work, a nice shower. And some Perfect Circle...
current mood:  apathetic
current music: Passive - A Perfect Circle
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
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1:00 am - the end
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Well, it's official, one of my former best friends won't even look at me, and can barely choke out a hi when I'm around. I guess we aren't really friends anymore. I've been trying, but there's only so far you will go before you say....enough. Enough of trying and trying, and getting no response, or a negative one. Enough of trying to keep a friendship alive which is already dead.
Maybe it's all my fault, but I've thought about it a lot, and I really don't see what I've done wrong. Maybe we've just grown apart. But then why the head games? Why not just leave it alone?
I guess people change, and true friendships don't exist. I guess the dreams of seeing our futures together was all a big play we were acting in. I spose I'm not exciting enough. I guess he doesn't care at all about me anymore. Why do I cry for him? I wonder when I'll stop caring, because I can't seem to force myself to do that yet.
Confusing thoughts for me, so I guess I'll just walk away.
Goodnight to anyone who does care...and sorry to put you through my silly depressed banter. Some lyrics to help you understand....
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I close my eyes and I see a freak
I think it's me and I'm afraid to speak
I keep on going from week to weakness,
way out in a line
I dream of lives we could have had before
But the heat is broke down open doorways
Friends of yours will tell me more,
what happens in your mind...
I like to make dreams in the afternoon
and I'm in tune Or did I speak too soon?
Punch drunk off of somebody's joke
What happened to the time?
A footnote in your depth of days
In my mind that record still plays
Still wonder what the fuck it says,
Hoping there is time
Can we try and take the high road?
Though we don't know where it ends
I want to be your Crystal Baller
I want to show you how it ends
Can we talk about tomorrow
And the promise that it brings
I want to be your Crystal Baller
I want to show you everything
I wonder what the whole thing's for
In the moment you were screaming now
you must have been somebody else
And the patrons of the pub keep singing:
Like to make dreams in the afternoon
and I'm in tune
Or did I speak too soon?
Punch drunk off of somebody's joke
What happened to the time?
I dream of lives we could have had before
Where the heat is broke down open doorways
I'm waiting for a trick to score,
It seems that way sometimes...
I wonder where you have gone...
I'm homesick for you primal knowing
I wonder why the wind keeps blowing you through my mind
Try and take the high road
(some get it, some must wait awhile, some get it)
Remember we were friends
I want to be your Crystal Baller
I want to be your diamond ring
The one I never gave you
and the promise that it brings
Let me be your Crystal Baller
I will show you everything
I'll be your Crystal Baller
Crystal Baller
Be your Crystal Baller
Crystal Baller
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Crystal Baller - Third Eye Blind
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 7th, 2005
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11:24 am - don't update in forever, and then, lame-o quizzes (i'm bored photo monitoring in the lab)
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| How to make a emily |
Ingredients:
5 parts mercy
5 parts self-sufficiency
5 parts empathy |
Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add emotion to taste! Do not overindulge! |
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
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12:14 am - november 23rd two thousand and zero four
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swimming, seething, falling
in a sea i can't explain
drowning in the mainstream
and grinning with the pain
my thoughts of you are dreamlike
from a time thats been erased
heart feels lost and wasted
in a slowly seeping pace
liquify all that you know
and sodomize your soul
give in to this blood betrayal
deny my own eyes control
floating to the silky bottom
let water flood my sight
now sitting by this watery grave
i've never felt a warmer night
current mood:  disappointed
current music: anesthesia - type o negative
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 12th, 2004
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11:25 pm - updates
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Take the World of Darkness Quiz
by David J Rust
That was fun....
Well we are starting to pack things up to take to the new house. For those of you who didn't know I'm moving to marquette at the end of this month. I'll be living in Garna's old house right next to the college so I can walk to class and even the darkroom! That will make things alot easier.
Since I'm working at Red Lobster now too it will be better to be living in Marquette. I hope to stay in that house until I move. And I'm getting a sweet deal on it so I don't see any reason to move. It's a four bedroom place (if you count the finished basement as a bedroom). It's also a super nice place. Garna will probably be a bitch at times but then I'll just tell her to fuck off and not talk to her. Haha.
So anyway, that's what's up with me. I'm going to bed now because I am very tired! G'night mluvs.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: wake for young souls - third eye blind
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 9th, 2004
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12:53 am - a quiz from my olivia girl
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| Friday, April 9th, 2004
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10:49 pm - your rebirth demands a part of you dead...
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I'll sit in my room. The world pulsing around me, spinning and moving to a biomorphic rhythm. Music to enhance my mood, candles, and incense. And he's there too...I can hear his heart beating in my head. Blood flows in a passionate way - suck, thud, suck, thud.
The sound of the muscle contracting, keeping me alive.
Staring off into nothing, while my mind strays to strange places. Lands which are barren and razed to the ground by fire and carnage. Dark places in the world...or are they in my head?
Look to him beside me, my only connection to this place. I wonder if he were gone, would I simply slip away for hours? He knows...knows just what I am thinking, though I confuse him at times. Most of the time I just want to feel his lips on mine, the sound of that beating heart and pumping blood beneath me. An electric feeling as I touch his skin - opens my eyes. Opening my third eye...
It's a dark path I'm treading these days, what with the voices calling out to me. I see faces, certain ones in particular. Some I recognize, faces which don't speak but ask questions of me nonetheless. Some I don't, faces which seem trapped and unsure, and mostly disturbed that I can see them.
Really, I'm not unhappy. I'm not depressed or upset. I feel content. I feel very....aware.
Aware of every tiny thing. In social situations, thoughts come at me which I know are not my own, and I soak them in, standing aside in silence. I even hear thoughts about me, frail and rigid thoughts, or warm and lulling. A combination, a mix withal. Jumbled thoughts swirling into a transient goo...
Outside I feel the earth regenerating, shaking the dead scales from her writhing body, ready to embrace the warmth of the sun. The cloudy film ripped from her reptilian eyes to view the world of humans as they have made it in their own image, through the long cold winter.
And sometimes I feel she is me, and I am her.
I am the snake, the goddess behind my eyes. I could charm them into anything. But the question, the point of interest for me, is do I? Questioning myself, and others questioning me again.
Overall I'm numb, yet alive and aware. A strange mix...have I confused you yet? Anyone who's really reading...
current mood:  complacent
current music: third eye - tool
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004
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4:17 pm - do yourself a favore, and download this song
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Calico Skies
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It was written that I would love you,
From the moment I opened my eyes.
And the morning when I first saw you,
Gave me life under calico skies.
I'll hold you, for as long as you like,
I'll hold you, for the rest of my life...
Always looking for ways to love you,
Never failing to fight at your side.
While the angels of love protect us,
From the innermost secrets we hide.
I'll love you, for as long as you like,
I'll love you, for the rest of my life...
Long live all of us crazy soldiers,
Who were born under calico skies.
May we never be called to handle,
All the weapons of war we despise.
I'll hold you for as long as you like
I'll hold you for the rest of my life
I'll love you for as long as you like
I'll love you for the rest of my...
For the rest of my life...
current mood:  content
current music: Calico Skies - Paul McCartney
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 21st, 2004
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3:39 pm
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The show last night was great. Except Ron got a little too drunk. Haha, no harm done except for the fact that he was completely hung over today. I felt for him, that hung over sickness is awful.
We missed HPZ play, which I'm kind of peeved about because I've been waiting to see them. Mostly I wanted to photograph them. But I got to photograph the FCD and Sah also. I think I got some great shots, being that I burned up 3 rolls of 36 exposure velvia. So we'll see how that goes.
None of us wanted to see TML play, because frankly, we are metal kids, and we don't like that POP PUNK SHIT. Hehehe. So Ron, Derek, Kyle and I went out to little Fleonce to smoke up. The rest of the show was much more enjoyable after that...
The after party at the marietti's was pretty fun. Louie and Alicia gave me beers so i could actually get wasted. (Being that I'm a broke ass). Thanks guys! I went to sleep earlier than usual, mostly because I started drinking when we got there and was pretty drunk by the time the party started winding down. Also I didn't want to leave Ron to pass out alone while he was so drunk. Poor guy. Hehe.
Ryan has been worrying me with his odd sleeping patterns....just another thing on my mind lately...
Anyway, I have to go to work in about an hour, so I'm gonna get off this damned computer.
current mood: contemplative
current music: the isis script - my dying bride
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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12:57 pm - Sitting in EI again
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Daric (our professor) is showing us animations again. We watched the intro for Seven. That is a great sequence. School is going ok for me....I'm kinda worried about my visual structures class. Bill Leete doesn't like me, and the feelings are mutual. How are you supposed to learn from someone like him!? Don't ask me....
On the financial side, I'm totally fucked...to put it politely. Little Fleonce is gonna cost me 170 bucks because he lost a belt and a fastening mechanism in the snow a few days ago. My dad just decided to go ahead and fix it even though I can't pay for it right now. I also have to pay a 50 dollar parking ticket that those dickwad cops gave me. The fuckers love to give out those tickets even when they aren't gonna plow. I fell asleep with my car in the street and woke up with a shiny yellow ticket. If the cop had still been around I probably would have spit on him I was so pissed. And since when do those tickets cost 50 fucking dollars?!!? It used to be 10 bucks if you were parked in the street after 1.
I guess greedy Bush jr. has sucked so much of the government's money into this ridiculous war that everything is gonna start costing more. First chance I get to be out of this country, and I'm gone.
Also on the list of costs: I owe Bryan 15 dollars which is long overdue to be paid. I also owe my friend Brandon 20 bucks, and I'd really like to not be a slacker on this and pay these people back. They were nice enough to loan my broke ass the cash and it's been long enough that I'd be pissed if I were them.
Also, (you're gonna stop reading soon I'm sure), I have to print out and mount/mat/frame at least 15 pieces for 203. I have a few of them done, and I'm pretty sure I have enough photo paper left to get it done. But the problem is the mat board and the frames. They aren't cheap, and as I've been saying this whole entry. I'M FUCKING BROKE.
If I could just get my taxes back it would help, or if my grandparents decided they loved me alot and wanted to help me out, or if my dad wanted to. Otherwise I'm going to have to dip into my savings. That really bums me out, because I'm trying to save my cash for the trip to California.
I guess I'll survive. It's not like I'm living in Afghanistan and the American government has blown to pieces my entire family or anything. (think about that)
current mood:  aggravated
current music: closer to god (precursor) - nine inch nails
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, March 12th, 2004
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11:12 pm - Sistinas (always reminds me of Steph and Grayo)
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Take my hand
You’ll never find
Another, quite like mine
If you look
You’ll see that i’m
A lonely one
I lost my soul
Deep inside
And it’s so,
Black and cold deep inside
Sistine smile
You’ll never know
The trap it’s set
And if you did
You’ll never look
Into its eyes
The sun don’t shine
The wind won’t blow
When you go hide
Without your love
I’m lonely
Deep inside
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Sistinas - Danzig
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
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12:27 pm - an update in which i actually say something coherent
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Well here I am in Electronic Imaging. It's already the second day after break and I feel rather useless. Hopefully I can get a few things done today.
After class I'm gonna do some hardcore Vinnie's shopping. Ah I love my useless interesting shit from thrift stores. Ron and I are going into the studio tonight from 6-9. Hopefully I can finally get some pictures of Hailey this time! She was a little too nervous and I couldn't figure out the 4x5 last time. Brandon and I went into the studio together though and exchanged knowledge of the camera. He actually exchanged more knowledge with me since I was basically clueless. (Thanks brandon).
I'm getting anxious for classes to be over, though we still have about 2 months. The problem is I'm feeling the pinch fund-wise, my savings has been draining against it's own will. I started out this semester with 2,000 bucks in savings. Then Northern had to screw me and charge me 800 bucks, so there went half of it. And through costs for photo supplies, etc. it's been running lower every week. I can't wait until payday that's all I gotta say. Even though most of my paycheck is already spoken for...
My EI Professor Daric Christian is showing us some really neat animations. Our next project is a 20 second animation done in Adobe After Effects. This class is definitely fun I must say that.
Updates of summer plans: My cousin is coming to visit beginning of April with her boyfriend Drew. He's awesome, so I can't wait to see her. Also, Ron and I are going to drive out to San Diego this summer to stay with some of his friends out there. I've been wanting to see So-Cal for a long time now. Our trip out west last summer was great, don't get me wrong, I just want to see the southern half of California.
I'd also like to get a better paying job this summer. I'm gonna try Wal-Mart I think as soon as I get back from California. I'd really enjoy 6.50 per hour and closer to 8 on Sundays. I simply don't make enough to get by at Blimpie's. I've been there for close to a year now and I'm only making 5.65 an hour. Which is better than other jobs, but I could also be making alot better pay. I need to rebuild my savings.
Other than these small life worries, I'm feeling very upbeat and happy. I think Ron has alot to do with it. A wise woman once told me "You need someone who brings you up, not down."
*wink @ stephie*
He definitely brings me up.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 8th, 2004
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6:07 am - still havent slept
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Section 1: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Quiet, deep, emotionally complex and intensely private, you are not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. You are extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it, and you allow only a special few into your inner world. Like a wary animal, you are cautious and mistrustful of those you do not know until you "sniff them out". You are very, very instinctive and intuitive. You usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction to people, even though you may be unable to clearly articulate why you feel as you do. Your feelings and perceptions go deeper than words.
Section 2: Mental Interests and Abilities
You have good mental concentration and the ability to become completely immersed in your work. You seem to know things at an instinctive, nonverbal level and prefer learning through direct experience or apprenticeship rather than vicariously via books or lectures. You have mechanical ability and work well with your hands. You could become adept at sculpture, pottery, carpentry, stained glass, or anything that involves doing and making things manually. Biology (and related fields such as medicine) interests you as well. You also have an instinctive rapport with animals, and may feel you relate better to them than to people! You tend to become narrowly focused upon your own specialized interests and may not have much to say or communicate outside that field
current mood:  awake
current music: transformers theme (on tv)
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 7th, 2004
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10:59 pm - cinnamon kruncher's....you'll never know who is going to stop in for a bowl....
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the night is drifting along quietly
the lamp and candle light
a soothing voice in my ears
a rustic image of my emotion
but mostly,
i'm thinking of you.
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justin and i closed the store tonight.
he's great to work with because he's hilarious
especially when he breaks trays...hahaha...
johanna came in to talk to me also.
all around it was a good night at work.
current mood: ethereal
current music: a perfect circle - a stranger
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, March 5th, 2004
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1:39 am - some lyrics late at night swimming round my head
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-a perfect circle-
-a stranger-
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Cast a calming apple
Up and over satellites
To draw out the timid wild one
To convince you it's alright
And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity
While I formulate denials
Of your effect on me
You're a stranger
So what do I care?
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear...
current mood: complacent
current music: a perfect circle - the nurse who loved me
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 26th, 2004
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12:36 pm
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hmmmm i had a great night last night...
...could this be love?
ahhhhh perhaps...
I woke up with the outsider in my head....again.
current mood: content
current music: a perfect circle - the outsider
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
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7:27 am - fucking work sucks
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Stupid dumbshit fucking people coming into blimpies.
"why did it take so long"
Well miss, maybe its because there are fucking 15 people in the store, and 2 people to make subs, just because you go through the god damned drive through doesnt mean we'll make your order before the people who walked in the store before you even pulled up.
And don't get fucking snappy with me, I'm busting my ass to make youa great fucking sub as quick as possible and you're bitching, maybe next time i see your fucking car i will spit on your food. BITCH.
And this lady in line, can't you hear that your fucking brat is wailing nonstop! And she's just standing there with this shiteating fucking grin on her face like she's totally oblivious to the constant screaming. Well I'm not fucking oblivious, and i am getting more and more pissed as more and more people come in, giving you those high and mighty "why arent you going faster" kind of looks.
FUCK YOU and your fucking little wailing brat. Then the kid makes this gigantic fucking mess that of course I have to clean up. CONTROL YOUR GOD DAMN FUCKING SNOT NOSE BRATS!
FUCK MAN, fuck blimpies, fuck people, i hate them all!
current mood:  angry
current music: devil driver - the mountain
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, February 23rd, 2004
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4:13 am - this is for her....as she is inside my head slashing sanity again...
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Help me if you can
Adjust to this
It's not the way I'm wired so
could you please
Help me understand why
You're giving in to all these
Reckless dark desires you're
Lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
I'm over this, why do you wanna throw it away like this?
Such a mess, I dont wanna watch you...
Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die
Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, numb belligerence
Narcisistic, drama queen, craving fame and all this decadance
Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
I'm over this, why do you wanna throw it away like this?
Such a mess, I dont wanna watch you...
Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die
They were right about you
They were right about you
Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you, precious
I'm over this, why do you wanna throw it away like this?
Such a mess,
over this, over this
Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here...
current mood: disappointed
current music: a perfect circle - the outsider
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 21st, 2004
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2:27 pm - thinking of him...
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This song reminds me of him...
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Lying all alone and restless
unable to lose this image
sleepless, unable to focus on
anything but your surrender
Tugging a rhythm to the vision that's in my head
Tugging a beat to the sight of you lying
So delighted with your new understanding
There's something about a little evil that makes that
Unmistakable noise I was hearing
Unmistakable sound that I know so well
Spent and sighing with a look in your eye
Spent and sweating with a look on your face like...
Sweet revelation,
sweet surrendering...
Thinking of you, thinking
Thinking of you, Thinking of you, Thinking of you, thinking...
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: thinking of you - a perfect circle
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 19th, 2004
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3:56 pm
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ideas for next ei project:
emotions:
hate, love, and sorrow
using several friends and myself.
i'll post them and my latest piece later after work
have a good one...
btw, i guess me and Jenn are alike...
current mood:  creative
current music: night - shroud of despondency
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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