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lookit the 20 most recent rocks tossed into the void:
15th May 2007
10:16pm: SVU ficlet.
She finds out about the baby the same way she found out about Kathy leaving him. His body curved and angry, he’d hissed it at her before fleeing.
It’s the same feelings of weightlessness and fear that crash through her, settling hard in her ribcage.
She remembers getting home and staring at her wall and thinking that she can’t do this anymore.
She’s been doing that a lot lately.
***
“I’m sorry.”
This time, he’s the one that shows up at her doorstep at 4am. She’d been awake when the text had come through. Slipped on a t-shirt and shorts without bothering to pull her hair back.
“Why?” Watches him flinch at all the meanings and permutations attached to that single word. Her skin feels sticky and tight and standing here on her stoop watching him try to answer, it occurs that this is what she’d wanted. He is safe again.
“Because... Because I am.”
His back is straight and she thinks this is the first time in years it’s been that way. She nods once, and the door clicks behind her as she goes upstairs.
She doesn’t look back, but when she gets upstairs she stands in the shower. Two hours later, she’s shivering while dressing for work, the impressions of her shower rack still indented on her palm.
***
After the announcements are made, backs are slapped, and most (not all) of the lewd remarks have been made, Don waves her aside.
“Is there going to be a problem?” His eyes are sincere and everything in Olivia aches just a little at it.
“Why would there be?” She smiles at him, face relaxed and certain.
He nods once before waving her off. He doesn’t say anything about how her smile didn’t reach her eyes. It hasn’t in months.
***
She buys Kathy a congratulations card. It’s got flowers on it.
***
The bullet to the side is a surprise. It’s also completely stupid. A nervous kid who freaks out and doesn’t have the safety on, and bang. There she is staring at the sky and panting.
It hurts. It hurts a lot.
And there in the alley, bleeding out and staring at the sky, she’s laughing. Laughing and crying because it’s funny. Because it hurts.
Elliot’s hands are on her, she knows they’re red. She stops laughing. Just watches him as he yells at her and tells her to hold on.
She doesn’t stop crying, but then no one notices.
***
She goes on a date three weeks after she gets out of the hospital. Side sore and still healing, she listens to her date talk about non-profit work and how he wants to change the world. She smiles at him because it’s sweet.
The next morning, Elliot can’t quite look at her. She just bites her lip and finishes a report.
***
She fucks the non-profit guy five dates later. Breathing hard and sweating afterwards, she closes her eyes and breathes him deep. Her side aches, but she ignores it. It doesn’t matter.
It never used to feel like cheating.
She closes her eyes, hating herself that she wonders if Elliot thinks that way too.
***
She never mails the card.
-fin-
current Mood:  blah
current Music: radiohead - the tourist
16th April 2007
10:41pm:
She read a book once. Said humans were spectacular creatures because they’d managed to invent something as incredible as boredom.
Never really understood how true that was until she found herself (probably) loved by the (supposed) last of a race who ruled all of Time. And dumped in a parallel universe.
First thing she does (after more crying than she’ll admit to, and a screaming fight with her mother) is track that author down and buy him lunch. Takes a bit of scheduling as PR men for Nuclear plants aren’t as free-form as writers, but she does it.
It’s a lovely meal, and when they part ways after a rather fantastic crème brule, she’s smiling and he’s got a book agent’s card in his pocket.
Instead of heading home though, she takes a detour to Heathrow. She stands staring at the departure board for a good ten minutes before closing her eyes and pointing.
She ends up pointing at Majorca, but drops her finger a bit and decides on Brazil. She hasn’t backpacked through the Amazon yet. Had always meant to.
current Mood:  thoughtful
15th March 2007
2:11am: Is there a lonlier time than 2am?
I don't think so. I think that 2am is the litmus test for how many friends you have. If there's someone you can call at 2am to cry to, then you're okay. Then you have someone.
I've recently decided that I don't have anyone that I can call at 2am. Not even my mother.
Why? Because I don't want to bother them. And it's in that statement right there that I realize... I don't really matter to anyone. I mean, I matter, but there's not anybody who wouldn't be pissed off if I just rang them out of nowhere to cry to. I mean, maybe there is, but it doesn't feel like it. There isn't anyone who doesn't have an agenda, or isn't going to call me stupid and emotional or a drama queen.
Fuck, I just feel hollow. Not even sad really. Sad that I just don't feel anything, maybe. It just feels like I've been skimming the surface of things for so long, I don't know how to do anything else. I'm just tired of being the strong one. Or the one that can cope.
That I sat in the waiting room of my stepfather's hospital, when he was in horrible pain and scared... and I just didn't feel anything. I didn't feel scared. I felt tired and worried and just. Empty. I mean, the man was scared and trying to connect. He keeps trying to connect and I kept bitching about how clingy he was. He was trying to reach out in his stunted, emotionally retarded way and I just didn't care.
I still almost don't. What the hell is wrong with me?
I don't know. I just.. I want someone to give me some goddamned feedback. Not platitudes about the good things about me. Fucking tell me what's wrong with me. Tell me things about me that you don't like. It's like I'm living my life in this vaccuum of constructive criticism where everyone is walking around so scared to say something wrong that they won't tell me anything true. And goddammit, I want to know bad things about myself so that I'll finally be proven right about something.
8th March 2007
10:47am: Oh, apathy.
I don't know. I've just felt really hollowed out lately. Like I'm just on automatic and I don't actually care enough to get off of it. Some of it may be my health. I'm diabetic and trying to lose weight and stressed about this. I thought I kind of hit the stress Zone on my health, but stuff just keeps kind of snowballing.
I'm just tired and bored and in limbo. There's so much in my life that I can't control, or that controls me, and I'm tired of it. I don't want to do anything drastic (that would be stupid and lame), but. I don't know. I just feel like there's not really anyone out there who wants to help me. And I know a lot of that is me 1. not asking for help 2. insane. I think I should probably look in to getting back in to therapy. I need someone to tell me if what I'm doing is right and good. I guess I just need a little feedback and support from someone not involved in the situation. Read: my life.
I don't know. I guess, I've just been walking through my life waiting for one good thing. Something that would be important to me, or more important than the rest of the landscape. And that's just not happening.
current Mood:  apathetic
current Music: snow patrol - set the fire to the third bar
23rd January 2007
2:29pm:
I feel... blah today. Is Tuesday, but I want to go to the gym. Sadly, I must learn to putz around so I can get to the gym when it is not as JAMMED WITH PEOPLE. I love working out on Sundays because no one is in the gym at ALL and I can make them change the channel to watch USA.
I am wildly boring today.
current Mood:  bored
25th October 2006
7:14pm: Hrm.
And 2006 continues to be the year of enforced life changes. Turns out my AWESOME OMG landlord of AWESOME is... selling our building. O.O Yah, the building he waxed on and on and on about how it was his childhood home, etc. Eh. Basically he's writing it in to the sale that the new landlords can't touch us until our lease is up - he loves us that much! - so I'm fine until July. Which is when I was vaguely shooting to be moving out to go to school.
Well. That decision just got made. Better get off my ass and do those damn applications I've been avoiding. Sigh.
You know, I think I hit numb somewhere near September and haven't quite left yet. I know the new people could be okay. But given the law of averages on shitty landlords... yeah, dont' think so. Nothing else, they'll probably jack the rent up to $2000 a month. Or take away our free laundry. OMG, NO TAKING THE FREE LAUNDRY, BITCHES. I would sob hysterically. And then hit someone.
I feel I will ask Carlos if he can write in the sale that they also cannot touch the free laundry until July. It's a wee thing and when they boot us out, they can alter all they want. Ffft.
current Mood:  numb
24th October 2006
3:39pm: Sigh.
I feel weird today. My eye was bugging me this morning and now I have a strange muzziness in my head that's kind of bothering me. Also, I got completely full - to the point I didn't finish my apple - on veggies for lunch. I hope I'm not getting sick again because I have no more sick days and I sure as hell ain't wasting my vacation days on getting better.
Whatever.
current Mood: apathetic
current Music: vanessa carlton - paradise
2:12am: Oh, stuff.
I am going on a job interview this coming week. I don't know when, but it will be this week. It's for a Library Specialist (LTA1) position that's opened up at LHS. On the one hand, it's more money and it's about a mile closer to my apartment than current job is (and roughly across the street from my gym). On the other... It would mean having to settle in to an entirely new situation (again), and having to work with Ex-Boss J. Not that Ex-Boss J is a bad guy. He's fine. But.. I don't know. He's always been someone that's been slightly off-kilter to me. No clue as to why. It might just be something as simple as the fact that our biorythms don't quite sync up. This is quite possible.
I don't know. Something about him just... eh. Bugs me.
Still, I have not been offered the position yet. And the interview is as much me checking out the job (and finding out just how much more an hour it means) as it is them checking me out. It won't hurt to interview for it. I'd feel bad about leaving The Guys short-staffed, but this would be a promotion for me and more money. Plus (hopefully) more responsibility and I could honestly put on my resume that yes I did freaking supervise someone. It's the same hours (okay, like one more hour) that I'm working now. Kind of. 8:30-5pm Tues-Sat, with the bonus that I don't have to work until 7/close on Fridays.
I don't know. *shrug* I don't even know if I'll take it if they offer it to me. At this point, I need more information to make my decision. Although, I thought the position started at $18/hr, and if it does, I might just take it even if I have to spend a year with someone like Jy. (GOD FORBID.) Because it would mean that I could save some serious bank.
But again, we'll see.
Also, I've been a bit bad with food and exercise this week. I'm going to the gym tomorrow come hell or high water. I got kind of sick last week an thus ended up just not going at all this week, which is bad. I also gave rather heavily in to the Halloween candy temptation which is very bad. But, one day at a time, right? God, I can hear B laughing at me in my head. Although, I'm highly amused that I have a medical reason to never drink ever. YAY! Silver linings, right?
I think I want to start using this journal again. I keep forgetting that the LJ used to just be for fandom stuff. And, weirdly, I'm really out of the mood for fandom-related things lately. The only show I watch with any regularity is Criminal Intent. Everything else is on the Biography Channel or on DVD. I just dont quite care anymore. Sure, stuff can still get me jazzed, but I almost just want to walk away from the whole thing.
This year has just been really, really damn big. It's been an Interesting Time from start to current and doesn't look like it's going to taper off any time soon. But I guess I'm starting to remember that as chaotic and bad as things have kind of been for everyone and everything, sometimes you do need a hammer to bust shit off your life. It sucks while it's happening, but when it's over, you get something like peace.
I haven't really talked about it much with anyone, but this diagnosis of diabetes is almost a relief. Not because I've been sick, but because I have something I can point to and go "I have to do thsi because of X." I always work better with deadlines and things like "Eat right and lose weight or you'll die of kidney failure or heart disease... IN TEN YEARS." is a rather good motivator. Not that I'm all that freaked out by death. Okay, I am a bit, and I'm sure my opinion on the whole thing will change as I get older. I'm still young and death and old age seem so distant... but they're not. I'm going to be thirty in just over three years time. I have a good 30-40 years left in me past that, and I need to take care of myself.
I also think that this is happening for a reason. This is my kind of small wake up call. Strangely, I'm not scared of this. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. The only really frustrating thing is that I can never ever go without health insurance now. EVER. And if I have to get personal health insurance, I'm going to have to pay out the ass. Whoo, yippee. But I can do this. I can do this and be healthy.
And if I'm not? Well, I'm not.
In other news... I sorted today. Weeded my bookcases and set up my new one so that I'm only double-shelved on two shelfs, and those are media/romance novel things. My Sharon Shinn and Terry Pratchett novels are all set up in my room now and that really DOES settle my mental space. I need to donate/sell some of the books I weeded. I also should go through my comics again and dump a lot.
Maybe I should have a big fandom garage sale. I'd prefer to have a real one so that I could just get shit out of my house and not have to pay for shipping and/or deal with the USPS. I should just steal Mom's car for a week or something so that I can haul stuff to and from the Post Office. Admittedly, my ghetto post office has gotten less scary during daylight hours and that's just like a mile away on foot. And I can always use the pushcart thing RoomieC has. I guess I'm just in a mood to purge myself of a lot of the extra crap I own. If things go well, most of my shit will either get sold or be in storage (or in The Mother's basement) this August for when I go to school. Lord knows if I go somewhere far off, I'll just have to buy a new wee tv or something.
I'm getting a printer this weekend. God knows where I'm going to PUT it, but it's free, so whatever. I guess I could move my scanner somewhere. I don't really use it that much anymore anyway. *shrugs*
Sigh. I need to go take a shower and go to sleep. Back to the grind tomorrow and all that.
Hi, future self. I hope you miss me.
current Mood:  quixotic
current Music: Blink 182 - Adam's Song
24th August 2006
11:44pm: Billy!
Have decided to do 30 Kisses Billy Keikeya May or Maynot Have Had. Got the idea, oddly enough, off of the Cowboy Bebop FF.net posting. Will post the grid below, or something.
Right. We'll see how this goes.
current Mood:  creative
9th August 2006
10:24am:
Title: Sunday Afternoon in the Park With Tom
Author: A.j.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Second season of “The 4400”.
Notes: Done for the friendficathon for Missyvortexdv, who wanted Tom and Diana outside of work.
Summary: Pretty much self-explanatory.
( Sunday Afternoon in the Park With Tom )
DeadJournal.com is my bitch. Image Cafe is my mistress.
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calm
mellow
silly
chipper
okay
cheerful
contemplative
hot
awake