Erin's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Erin [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

[15 Feb 2005|06:23pm] [ mood | independent ] [ music | Songbird ] Someone recently told me, "Welcome to the real world." And I laughed. How can you be welcomed into the real world twice? They say those five words as you graduate high school, and now they say it again when you graduate college. So which is which? Is college the real world or is the real world the real world? And if this is not the real world, then what is? I don't think people should say that; you never know who has been living in this said 'real' world and for how long. You can't just assume that everyone is sheltered and have been pampered by their parents for the past 21 years. It's a case by case thing. Sure, I'm going to be kicked in the a-s-s in May when I've got no more health insurance, I've got no job, and I've got a school loan the size of Rhode Island (I'm not kidding). But hell, at least it'll be my independent ass that'll be kicked and I'll finally be a free agent. I can't wait. I'll have to move out, I suppose. But it'll all be for the good in the end. I'll just have to wait and see when that will be. I know it will be. 1 comment|post comment

[14 Feb 2005|01:04pm] [ mood | cynical ] It's a perfect day to be cynical. It always happens on 14 February, no matter how hard I try, even if I wake up on the right side of the bed. Every year I get so cynical on the day that everyone else is happy and have love in their hearts. But I...I suppose I'm a creature of habit, thinking that wearing red or pink or any hue of the sort is absurd and that love via small cards that children hand out to each other is wasteful. I pray for the day to be over so I can be cynical on a regular day, on a day where everyone has good reason to be cynical. Everyone around me has someone that's remembered them on Valentine's Day, or will soon surprise them or what have you. I just...I just can't wait for this day to be over. post comment

Being Indefinitive [02 Feb 2005|05:25pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | The Only Living Boy in New York - Simon and Garfunkel ] "When life throws you a lemon, make lemonade." And if life throws you oranges instead of lemons? What of apples, grapes....garlic? You just learn to make do with what you've got. You become flexible and still remain when all is said and done with. Lately, I've felt that adulthood, *true* adulthood, has more than snuck up on me. It mauled me in the comfort of my own home, after a good meal of pizza, coffee and chocolate chip cookies....with my dog. It's true that the big events in your life define who you are. I never believed that before. I always thought it was the small changes, the chances you give up, the people you don't meet, the credit card you don't subscribe to, the magazine you don't pay the bills for, the songs you've never penned...I thought it was all of that that created you, that changes you the most, that defines that indefinitive you. But I was wrong, as many of us are in our lives. It's like, as much as you listen to Simon and Garfunkel, you can never become that favorite song. You won't be Cecelia or the Bridge Over Troubled Water. My favorite thing about being grown up is the fact that when you get a compliment, it always feels like it has come from left field (left field being that place everyone secretly wants it to come from, but will never expect it to). Encouragement can come from everywhere, the sky, a friend, a lover, someone you don't know and even someone you don't like that much. How very peculiar, this crazy little thing called life. post comment

The Art of Learning How To Think [21 Dec 2004|08:43pm] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | Into The Mystic - Van Morrison ] Everyone has to have one of those periods in their lives that makes you feel as though you've completely changed from who you once were. I think this semester has helped me realize that transition from who I was to who I am now. It's kind of strange to think about, but nonetheless it's a realization that we all have to come to grips with at some point in our lives. Last night, we were watching My Coolest Years on VH1 and all of the celebrities were talking about how those high school years were their coolest. I just shook my head at the end of one of the segments and said, "But high school isn't the coolest years for everyone." My coolest years, I like to think, are still going on. I mean, high school was a joke for me. I didn't quite fit into any of the cliques around campus; I hardly fit in with my own friends. High school was this huge waiting room for me. It was someplace to practice interpersonal skills and learn how to learn, basically. I mean, isn't that what elementary school does for middle school? middle school for high school? and eventually high school for college? School is just there for you to abuse so you can learn techniques. That's it is, really. I mean, even college. You pay $100,000 for four years so you can obtain a diploma that basically states, "Suzie is learned. She now knows how to think." But, I'm getting off topic now. Oh right, my coolest years and such. I think what makes a couple of years your "coolest" is the people that affect and effect your life, no matter how long you know them for. I feel as though my college friends are more interesting and more like myself than those girls I met in high school. I guess it's because we all have something in common...we're all cool. And sarcastic. What has shocked me the most was that realization of the transition. It's like an out-of-body experience. But much more interesting and helpful in the long run :) I'm almost finished with school for the semester. One more paper to write tonight and it's all done. Today, I finalized my portfolio for my Creative Writing course. I'm actually really proud of myself. I think my writing has improved so much since I began the class...I found out what my problem was, which was no easy task. I think I can finally rest my wearied brain and actually turn out a good paper tonight. I suppose we'll see.... post comment

reaching the impossible reach [21 Nov 2004|11:55pm] [ mood | inspired ] [ music | Into The Mystic--Van Morrison ] "...loving your dreams is more important than ever reaching them." I truly have been a lucky girl. In my (practically) 22 years of life, I've been so blessed to have met many beautifully amazing people. Not only do they add to the wonderfulness of life, but they make it seem that much better in the interim. I've been down in the dumps lately. I think the uncertainty of my post-graduate life was really getting to me. I mean, this is the time that I really need to know what I'm going to do. *This* is the beginning of my career...the beginning of my new identity...the beginning of my life. Perhaps I'm too judgemental for my own well-being, but my life up until this point could really only be the mere beginning-the part of the story that everyone wants to get through to get to the meat of the plot line. It makes me sad to think about it. I mean, this whole idea of leaving New England is scary in itself. How am I to do it financially? environmentally? happily? How can you tell the ones you love that the place the hold near and dear to their lives, the place where they watched you grow up and mature, the place where their hearts, and possibly your own, lingers is not the place for you? How do you break that news? How can you be so selfish? Or is it not selfish at all? My dreams were always bigger than the room I was standing in. Is it the road to your dreams that make living worth it? Or is it just the dream and knowing that you can achieve it, that it is possible? We live in this world of uncertainty...this world of possibility. You can be whatever you want to be...good or bad...and still achieve your goals. What's worse is that my dream had always been sitting on the dark shelf of my mind, my heart. It was always there, fermenting, just waiting for me to pick it up and for the light bulb to go on. Finally-it happened. And it took a stranger to find it for me. "...the song had always been in my heart, the words always on the tip of my tongue." I'm headed there. I'm about to embark on the arduous journey of trying to reach that impossible reach. Wish me luck. 1 comment|post comment

...Right [01 Nov 2004|12:24am] [ music | Vienna -- Billy Joel ] I think there might be something wrong with me. Perhaps it's partly because I have five journals at the given moment: four handwritten and one online. Having an outlet for creative threads and for personal rants is great...but five? I think I might be lost if I didn't have them, though. It just makes everything seem like it's less stressful--like I've already spoken the words on the page to someone without having feedback on my own opinions and problems (because there's nothing worse than someone kicking you when you're down). I'm going through a strange reconstructive phase. Today during rehearsal, I had to take my industrial out so my wig would sit properly on my head (and because a four-year-old would not have that kind of piercing). After some thought, I decided I wouldn't put it back in. The Phase is over. I think I might surprise Mom when she comes down, just so she can see that I actually am not going to keep it. Sure, I'll have a lapse in judgement and try to put it back in, but...I think I'll do what I've been thinking about doing with it: tape it in my orange journal. I've noticed that I have journals for certain things: the yellow/black journal for cleansing, the grass journal for personal problems and emotional bouts of unknowingness, the star journal for quotes and such, the online journal to send my trivial ideas and insights on my life to the masses and the orange journal for instantaneous thoughts and random items like jello lids, movie ticket stubs, old bracelets, and industrial earrings. ...And I'm sorry to say this Daniel, but I have a new gay boyfriend. post comment

Excuse me, may I regress? [26 Oct 2004|02:32am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Almost Blue ] The beginning of the semester brought on this new philosophy of doing-my-homework-early-so-I-can-have-fun-my-last-year. It worked, to some extent. I had every intention of seeing this task through and come out shining, with my years of excessive procrastination behind me. But it's more like the song "Stormy Weather". "...keeps raining all the time..." Whatever. It's 2:30am. The cold has settled in the room like a virus and I've begun to shiver. My eyes are tired as is my printer from lack of sleep, but my mind and body are screaming "I'M STILL AWAKE!!!" Class at 9:30am isn't too far away. I've been stressed before, but not like this. The stress comes in waves and then dissipates throughout the room like my body mist in the morning. I've been staring at my To Do List from last week. Only two out of the five items are crossed out; how depressing. I yawn. Success! I'm tired. I knew the mundane-ness of writing in this journal would make me want for bed. Perhaps it's a wish more than a want, I don't know. Since when has the line blurred from wanting and wishing? But I digress... post comment

"...Things, life, whatnot." [30 Aug 2004|12:13am] [ music | Vienna - Billy Joel ] So, it's been a rather interesting summer. Okay, I could say that it was the most carefree summer of my short-lived adult life, but I'd be grossly lying. I've found that letting the paranoia of a rather everyday-hum drum life seep into the core of my being has made my mental processes run amok. Hence, the reason for strange sentences that seem to make sense in my head but really are a load of bull shit when re-read. I've let myself go this summer. I think it's finally hitting me that I've only got one more year of school to worry about and then, I suppose I get to run full force into the "best years of my life"...or have I already surpassed the best years of my life? I'm still not quite sure...somebody better update me exactly which years are the 'best of my life' because, there is a large contradiction that is floating about. So, whenever you can, let me know. Thanks. For some reason, I let my mother fuel a rather unhealthy obsession with the summer Olympics. I found that I would rather stay at home on a beautiful summer night to watch gold medal matches than go out and be with friends, whose time is precious and let's face it, friends for me these days are few and far between. I may as well be the Abominable Snowman that scares people into being my friend. But, I digress...Being obessed with the Olympics when you have no clue what is going on in soccer or you can't quite understand how those gymnasts do those crazy tumbling passes is kinda pathetic. It's like being a person whose biggest dream is to be an opera singer but is totally tone deaf. No teaching can help. It's all rather sad, if you ask me. I'm not afraid to say it. So, school starts soon and I cannot wait. I think I might freak out in the coming week...just because I'll be alone and it'll pass the time. Nah...I'll try and conserve what I pack to come with me to school. I mean, c'mon. We're moving into the 'big leagues' this year. The senior dorm; where all other dorms pale in comparison. Apparently, it's where all the privilages are (that's what I hear, anyway). post comment

[12 Aug 2004|01:02am] Have you ever noticed how you become so comfortable in your own small vacuum of a life that you never wonder what it's like to be on the outside of it? I just feel like I've grown too accustomed to the way I live my life that if anything drastic happens to change my way of life, or to disturb me in any way, I'll regress into a puddle of Erin. Of course, I have to understand that this will happen in the near future and stuff...but, I suppose I can still fear it. Fear of the unknown. What a strange trip it is from the realm of the unknown into that of the known. post comment

Nonetheless, a joke has been made [30 Jun 2004|10:14pm] [ music | Songbird ] camp proves to become more neverending each summer. i wonder why i continue to go back? all of the political crap (yes, there is even crazy politics at girl scout camp) drives me insane, to the point where i can't sleep any more. penny pinching and stupid people are the highest problems for a camp staff member and the attitude of the girls comes in at a close third. i wonder if the kids ever know how stressful the job is. they are so carefree, even though the pretend not to be which is always a curious thing. turning 21 didn't have an effect on me. everyone keeps asking me, "So, how does it feel now that you're *legal*?" in response, i squint my eyes real small and say, "it feels the same." i just don't see it. i mean, i'm so damn lazy that i haven't even changed my licsense yet. it's just time consuming and i don't have a free day to hang out at the DMV reading my book. that leads me to wonder: what exactly should you read at the DMV? i mean, if you bring a big huge 1000 page book you look like some crazy person that keeps boxes of books in your car and you live with a hundred cats. if you bring a fashion magazine you look like an airhead. if you bring a bridal magazine i'm sure you look like someone that is either too excited to get married, or someone that is pretending to be getting hitched ( fyi, i've done that before...it's quite amusing). if you bring a catalog you look like a person that is obsessed with buying things like real coal from the Titanic. so what are you supposed to do at the DMV? you definately cannot sit there and fall asleep, i'm sure all chaos will ensue. you can't even sit and stare at people because you'd be that weird guy at the DMV that stares at people...and who wants to be that guy? you can't sit and pick at whatever scabs you have or your nose. just...don't be that person. i suppose the only thing left to do is bring a friend along so you have someone to converse with and no one will get sketched out. wouldn't it be funny if instead of saying "No if, ands or buts" people would say "No if, ands, or howevers"? i mean, it would just be strange. no one may get the joke, but nonetheless, a joke has been made. post comment

21 and feeling middle aged [14 Jun 2004|11:25pm] [ mood | cynical ] one would think that the only stressors in life would not come at a time when you are utterly and truly down. like so far down that not even a magnifying glass could see you. and of course there's the problem of your self-esteem; if that's not in tact, you have big time problems. it seems to me that i'm in a slump. i'm in the lurch. i'm just hanging out in thin air not having a care in the world as to what happens to me. i'm turning 21 next week and i feel middle aged. and the real big problem with that is that i haven't had any kind of experience to *feel* middle aged. there really is no reason for me to feel middle aged. it's funny: last night, as i was settling into bed, this uncontrollable urge surged over me. i was sitting up, straightening my covers around me and all of a sudden, i cried. and no, i'm not PMSing or anything, but i just started crying and i wasn't sure of the reason for the tears. maybe it was time to just start letting some the frustrations i'm having out. i couldn't stop for a good 30 minutes to an hour. eventually i fell asleep in a lump on my bed, upside down. i woke up not quite sure what had happened only a few hours before. i was not re-charged, needless to say. i'm slipping. my self-esteem is horrible. i mean, just horrible. and the mere fact that i have few friends here, in RI and few at school, makes me feel inadequate at times, almost like i'm a personality failure. i'm no where near perfection on that scale. the other day, i was cleaning out my car and i found an old pack of newports i once bought. i stuffed them in the pouch on the back of my seat, just in case i needed them. today, i don't know what i was doing, but i had four. i didn't want to smoke them (mainly because they're gross...they taste minty, yick) but i did. my birthday is soon and i could care less. i no longer care about the party. whoever comes, comes and i'll be here. next thursday will not phase me in the least bit. post comment

the rest of my life [06 Jun 2004|11:35pm] [ music | America--Simon and Garfunkel ] have you ever been told that you should be *fill in the blank*? everyone thinks that i'm making a mistake, majoring in communications and that i should be going to school to become a teacher. there is no room for me to spread my wings that way. i've always been good with kids and teaching them outdoorsy things. but i don't want to do something i'm good at for the rest of my life. i want to do something that i have to work hard for. something that people that i used to know will say, "i never expected her to do that". is this pathetic: i'm working at the camp again, with the kids i can't stand, and the co-workers i can hardly tolerate. but you know, i feel bad letting them all down. i need the money, i don't want to work there again, but...i feel bad for the kids if i don't go back, they won't be able to do archery...and they love archery so, what's one more year of misery for me if it's years of happy camp memories for 50 kids? post comment

Saturday Night/Sunday Morning A/Effect [06 Jun 2004|02:15am] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | January Rain ] i was driving tonight. i wasn't quite sure how i got there, or even if i could remember the drive there...but i found myself, at 1:00am at the town beach. this happens every now and then. i was standing on this cold, early June morning on the shore of Narraganssett Bay and i had no clue how i got there or why i was there. on the drive back to the north end of town where i now reside, i took inventory on my ponderings. if anyone else were to jump into my mind and listen to the things i think, or try to understand the way i understand life in general, there would be unrest in the world as we know it. and i began to think about the saturday night/sunday morning effect...or affect...i'm thinking both. anyway, there's this part of the night/morning that one realizes that the turn of the week has occurred. and you don't really know what to think. your head tosses a few ideas around, but you can't settle on one thought: i should document this moment...or...it's late i should go to bed. but something magical seems to happen to you at the moment you realize the melding of the weeks...and it's something so special that it's different for each person. i don't know, i could be rambling, but i found that it's best when you are driving along a deserted road, alone, no music on, and your brain turned up high. perhaps, turned up to 11. post comment

It's Either Me or the Establishment... [19 May 2004|02:00am] [ music | Almost Blue ] I'm a night person, by accident. I used to be the kind of person that could go to bed late and wake up early and be totally re-charged and have an awesome day. But, somewhere between there and here, I lost it. And just recently, I've realized I lost a lot this past year. Now, I don't want to be one of those online journal cliches that many people gripe about...but I feel the need to get this off my chest, so to speak, just so I don't keep it in any longer. Some people know the troubles that have graced my life since the school year began. I'll be the first to say that I broadsided me and I handled it with grace. But, I've only bottled up my anger and sadness so as to not bother anyone else, because I know other people are going through worse than me and I don't want to be a pathetic puddle in front of them. Mostly, I don't want to be that person for my parents, when the need me, more than ever, to be the strong one. It's harder than I've expected, obviously. I've learned so many lessons this year. I hit the roof this year. I really did, with all of the drama of things, I pushed my limits further than exceeding normality. In pushing the said limit, I found out who my true friends were and concern for me came before concern for an establishment. And for that, I will hurt no longer and if I am pushed that far again, under false pretenses, I will walk away and refuse to look back. Also, I've begun to realize the importance of friends. I have two very good best friends at my side and a couple of the most amazing close friends. These few are the ones I am grateful for. More often than not, I'm lost in my music. And I no longer care about the world. Just me and my music. Just the notes on the page, the cadences, the softness. Me and my music. I wish it could always be- post comment

loud murmurs [13 May 2004|12:37pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | God of Wine ] "...Darkly coming to take me home/And I've never been so alive..."~Third Eye Blind Anticipation is killing me. I'm rather lackadaisical lately, even though I still have papers to write before I move out on Monday. I'm in a need period. I need to do things. I need things to happen. I need air. I need to get this summer started. Jesus...I'm really needy. It's all getting a little bit too real for me to handle. I don't want to think about the coming year. It'll be strange like my thoughts. I'll leave you with this poem I revised. Backseat Drive i doze into a dream as i drive into an o b l i v i o n this 4-wheel drive capsule of time constricts my already haunting thoughts classic tunes murmur loudly distorting my illusions this haze has lingered like winding ivy for too long ~EMF, 2004 post comment

pirates and cuddling [14 Apr 2004|02:05am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Motorcycle Drive By--Third Eye Blind ] it feels like it's been decades since i've heard this song, when in acutallity it's only been a couple of months. sometimes i feel like i have to listen to all of those songs i used to love when i was in high school and middle school to somewhat remember who i was then and how i felt then...because let's face it, everything was simpler then. but then again, i don't want to begin to regress to a time when i didn't fit in anywhere, because i didn't fit in with any social group in high school--even my so-called high school friends, you know those people you eat lunch with, you walk to class with and eventually share a table with at prom, i didn't really think of them as 'friends'. they were just temporary friends on my path to finding my real friends--the ones who care. arg. to be a pirate...yo ho yo ho, a pirate's life for me! with everything that's going on in my life right now, i feel like i'm dragging my feet in the sand, not wanting the ride to end-or at least to soften the blow of the end. i'm just glad to have the friends that i have...because the plain and simple truth is: they care. in my book, there's nothing better than friends that care. speaking of books...i've been meaning to pick up 'i capture the castle' again. i want to read for pleasure like, now...but i have to fill my brain with knowledge so i can take on the world and become the country's future or some shit like that. i could care less about the country's future...now that's just not true, i care. i really do...but at the moment, i want to be sitting on my couch with my dog and cuddling up with a good book reading on a beautiful spring day. is that so much to ask for? cuddling. i won't even get into that. "I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan."~Bridget Jones's Diary post comment

you suck, internet, just suck [22 Mar 2004|01:18am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Hakuna Matata ] I wrote this really great, witty, insightful entry and the damned internet rejected my entry. I hate technology at times. i have no energy to try to remember what it was so elegantly put in the subject line 'grooming & other musings'. and i'm sure you would have liked to have read that entry...but now it's in the abyss of the pages before this one somewhere and it'll never be read and now i'll think everyone has read it and feels the same way. i'm going to post my latest poem, even though i wasn't going to...but i feel that i have to now to make myself feel better. Untitled I'm in love with the summer shoreline sight Mansions, an aquarium, and Tall Ships are key May all my days be as beautiful and bright Against the blue sky flies a yellow kite A dog jumps to catch a green frisbee I'm in love with the summer shoreline sight Round and round underneath a carousel light Reflects sparkles of sand on my knee May all my days be as beautiful and bright The footprints of friends dancing through the night Going to the Jazz Festival, we'll pay any fee I'm in love with the summer shoreline sight Wrap a towel around me and hold on tight The fireworks! We'll squint our eyes to see May all my days be as beautiful and bright If I could remain another day, I'll put up a fight To own the summer and be free I'm in love with the summer shoreline sight May all my days be as beautiful and bright. ~EMF -2004 post comment

So What? [15 Mar 2004|12:29am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Long December ] It was strange packing up my room. It was like I was the only one moving, no one else...even though it's me, Mom, Dad and the dog leaving the house. I am still in denial. Dad seems to think that they'll be moved in, or still moving in when I go home for Easter, which is in a couple of weeks. So, does that mean that last night was the last night I slept in my room? Or am I going to have to sleep on the floor of my old room in a sleeping bag...or even the couch? I don't know...it's all kind of crazy to me. I don't think the transition is going to be easy for me. Think about it: my parents are doing all of the painting and fixing up while I'm at school...moving all of our crap out of the house we live in now...and things will (might) be set up when I come 'home' for Easter. A new house, a new part of town, new noises to get used to, new neighbors, new route home, new phone number to remember, new address...even worse, new bathroom. That's gonna take me the longest to get used to: the bathroom. I don't know why, but it will. You know how you're comfortable about doing just about anything in your bathroom? Well, this new bathroom isn't quite my bathroom, now is it? I mean, technically, yes it is...but I'm more acclamated to the bathroom here at school rather than the weird turquoise comode (yes, it is true) in my 'house'. I don't know how I feel about it yet. The bathroom is my only problem. But I must say, it is the funkiest bathroom I've ever seen. And I don't mean a bad funky, it's that cool 80's crazy funky. The tile on the floor is an array of yellow, beige, and tan. The walls, beige and white. The bathtub, comode, and sink are turqouise. I've already said that it shouldn't change...but my mom can't stand turquoise...so it'll change once we have the chance to pay for new stuff in there. Meanwhile, I get to let the funky splendor sink in (no pun intended...riiiiiiight). I don't think I'm quite ready for school, though. The truth is, I wish I could tele-commute to school. Or e-commute...how cool would that be? And I could be here when I wanted to, not when I needed to be. I just want to be at home this semester, not because I'm homesick or anything, cause I'm not. I just want to be around for all of the goings-on of the year...cause we all know that a lot has happened this semester so far. I just don't want to miss anything important or bad, you know? I'm always afraid of missing something. I have to be in 'the know'. I think I might be working the one place I don't want to work this summer: camp. They freaking latched into Mom saying what a huge asset I am to the camp and the archery program (ha! I was the archery program!) and that I'm missing my calling by not becoming a teacher (I'm not becoming a teacher because I'm f'n tired of kids...and I'm only 21). So now, I have to fill out an application just in case and they said they'd pay me more money and everything...I'd work 8 weeks instead of the regular 6 weeks. Woo hoo. What an incentive. I suppose I could do it, but I was so adamant about not working at camp last summer...and the kids were so upset and I was like, Tough shit, get over it...I'M OUTTA HERE! Of course I didn't say that exactly...but I wanted to. And I did say that to myself and promised myself I wouldn't work there again for the mere fact that I work like a damned dog and get little to no money for it. And it's not like it's going to look good on my resume. Whatever man. I'll end up working there and probably something in retail, after graduation I'll continue doing that, go to grad school for education and end up teaching communications at a high school in Rhode Island, and I'll never get out and I'll never do what I want, I'll never achieve any of my goals...I will become a true Rhode Islander. So what if my dreams are big? So what if it's a tough market out there? So what if I can't make it? So what? How can you succeed when you haven't even tried? I refuse to go out like that...no way man...no freaking way. post comment

Piss In A Boot [06 Mar 2004|05:24pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Story Of My Life ] Break is proving to be the best remedy for my ailment as of late. You know, I don't understand how one can go from being in one state to another and be totally submerged in two different worlds all of a sudden. I'm just really glad to be home... Interesting things happen every day, you know. Today, I was in the longest line at the bank in the Stop and Shop and I saw someone I went to high school with. He looked good, the way I knew him, but he looked older. Then, as I was waiting while the guy in front of me asked for a million transactions, I thought to myself, Do I look like I'm older? Now, I know that I've gained a lot of weight...I have, don't even tell me I haven't cause I know I have...but the thing is, lately, I've been feeling like I look younger than I have in years, you know? It's hard for some reason to try and make myself look older when I know that in, like a couple of years I'll want to look younger, but I'm concerned. I don't know why, I don't know how, but I know that I do feel that way. Maybe it's just my way of telling myself that something needs to be done about my weight. I guess the best thing to do is to start exercising and eating right...which will prove to be the hardest thing ever. I just know that I don't want to look like this on my birthday. We'll see what develops. I suppose the best thing to do is to piss and a boot and get it done. post comment

Perks of being a Rhode Islander [03 Mar 2004|01:00am] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | The Tide Is High ] I'm not quite sure how to explain it. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. If you drive about fifteen minutes from my house going south, you'll surely hit the beaches. There's this really cute, quaint town, Narragansett...it's where anyone that's anyone in Rhode Island has their beach house that costs millions of dollars and goes to the beach every beautiful day. Needless to say, I am not one of those people. I have issues with sand. But that's besides the point. Down in Narragansett, there's Nana's Ice Cream, which you must frequent whenever you are down there, The Coast Guard House...you'd like to eat there, but you don't have the money to just like me, a small theatre with about two or three screens to watch movies on, music shops, yes probably a couple of head shops disguised to teenagers and old people as the "tye dye" shops (my mother included), the abundant nautical stores, the beaches...most obviously, and The Wall. Whenever someone talked about The Wall, I was always confused. "There's a wall just hanging out somewhere and we're going to see it? What's the point?" I never quite understood until I was a little bit older and quicker on the uptake of things. The Wall is literally that...a wall between you and the water. Of course in between the water and the wall are rocks and shells and things...but most people go to The Wall to walk, ride their bikes by, chat with friends, some younger guys go to pick up girls...they're usually unsuccessful at it, or just look out. When I was younger, I sat on the wall facing the water and said, "Look! I can see England from here!" And I really thought I did. It was a distant land mass that looked like it was sooooooooooo far away, it had to be England. Of course it wasn't (it was Jamestown...the island between RI's mainland and Newport). But I was down there last summer with my best friend. We went down there to eat our desert and sat and watched the sunset because there is no place better to watch the sunset than off of the water. It's reflected colors amaze me, even at this age. I'm stupified by it's beauty that I just sit there with my mouth wide open like some fish. I suppose it's just one of the reasons why I love living in RI. post comment

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