Abbit's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Abbit [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

[09 Mar 2005|01:02pm] [ mood | impatient ] Take the quiz at dicepool.com I was supposed to get an email from the Aquarium yesterday, but still nothing. If I didn't get a volunteer position I'll just try again in the Fall. But I'm really sick of this agonizing waiting. Just tell me whether or not I get to feed the stupid fish! ^v^ 4 comments|post comment

*snicker* [03 Dec 2004|09:59pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | some Christmasy song ] You Have Sex Like a Socialist! There's enough of you to go around, and you're not shy. You share yourself freely, expecting nothing in return. You have no jealousy in your heart - just lust for anything that moves. From each according to his or her ability (to get it on), To each according to his or her need (to come)! What Political Party Do You Do It Like? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva Ok, that is waaay less true nowadays than it used to be. I find myself pleased with the result though. I'm in a hotel lobby in Wisconsin right now. John, Erika, Camilo, Steve, and Mr. Poniske are playing a board game about the bubonic plague called "King Death" at a table nearby. Fun stuff, but I've already played twice and the internet's siren song is... strong. Yeah. We're here for Steve and Cassie's wedding. They're having it tomorrow afternoon at a restaurant. Everyone is required to wear pajamas. It's going to be an awesome time. I first met Steve around the same time I first met John, at the World Boardgaming Championships. About a decade ago now? We're all united by the common bond of an inherited love of gaming. My strongest early memory of him is from when I was about 13. It was at the convention, of course... it's only been in recent years that any of these people have become part of my larger life. Anyway, it was a late night at the hotel and I got convinced to go along with a bunch of other kids to smoke up and drink. I swallowed the smoke instead of inhaling and didn't get high, and I refused to drink any of the beer because it tasted gross. Yep, I was that dorky kid. The beer was stolen, having been snagged from some coolers left around by foolishly trusting middle-aged gamers. Steve found out and actually went around and put a few dollars of his own money in each of the coolers. I was in awe of him. A beautiful older guy who was tall, with long hair and a huge altruistic streak. And now that guy is getting married. Weird. I just met Cassie for the first time a half an hour ago. She seems nice, if a bit hyper. He seems very happy, so I'm happy for him. I think John is going to be the best man. Since it's been so very long since I last posted, it seems like a general update on my life is probably in order. I'm still going to UMBC. Still living at the Catonsville townhouse. Working as a waitress at UNOs, which I am tired of beyond belief. I'm a member of the Forgotten Ones now. That picture is from long before I joined them, but I'm in it, on the far right holding the shield with the blue hand. Interestingly, several members of my old country, No Quarter!, are in there as well. We have a kitten now, a lithe little black thing named Kissa (pronounced key-sa, Finnish for cat). She alternately hates/fears us and adores us, depending on the whim of the moment. I don't see nearly as much of any of my friends as I'd like currently. I have no idea if this post is an isolated thing, or if I'm going to go back to posting regularly. Quizzes are fun. ^v^ 4 comments|post comment

[17 May 2004|08:05am] [ mood | headachey ] [ music | Less than Jake -- i think i love you (cover) ] Ohmygodhighspeedconnection! *whimper* I don't know what I'm going to do when I finish moving out of the dorms tomorrow and my computer is permanently removed from this amazing T3 line. It's just so, so sweet. I click and stuff appears. Occasionally I might have to wait a few moments, practically never more ten seconds at the most. There's no connection at the house yet at all. I guess I'll just take the bus over to the UMBC library every few days to check my mail and such. Aside from internet withdrawal, the adjustment to the new place is going fairly well. I've snapped at John a little more than usual, but I seem to have my mood in hand now. It was oddly heartening to hear Camilo say that Erika has been edgy too. It's not just me! In our first week of residence we've catalogued three cockroaches in the kitchen and one mouse in the basement. Not stellar, certainly, but within reasonable parameters of non-grunginess. Although there are still unpacked boxes camping out in bunches here and there, we've gotten most of our stuff set up and stowed properly. The place is beginning to feel lived in. When I bring my posters and art pieces back tonight, the room I share with John should start to feel even more like home. "The room I share with John" -- now there's a nice phrase. He's been in Wisconsin this weekend for his friend Steve's graduation, so I've had some time to sample the feel of the place on my own. I miss him. I miss central air conditioning too. We've been getting by with a bunch of fans... one in the living room, one in the kitchen, and two in each bedroom so far. They make life bearable, but still a bit sweat-sticky in the mid-May heat of the afternoon. Our plan, as a household, has been to try to find a new place to move into, ideally one belonging to an independent renter. There has been talk of moving into one of the many cheap properties in an area of the city like Canton. I am not against living in the city, but it would have to be smack dab in the middle of downtown, where the center of the bus matrix lies, for it to work for me. I do not have a car, nor any plans to get one soon, and I hate the idea of being dependent on someone else to get to school in the fall. There has been some friction over the issue, but I don't think it's something I can yield over. ^v^ post comment

the last stanza especially [06 May 2004|06:11pm] The Little Old Lady in Lavender Silk I was seventy-seven, come August, I shall shortly be losing my bloom; I've experienced zephyr and raw gust And (symbolical) flood and simoom. When you come to this time of abatement, To this passing from Summer to Fall, It is manners to issue a statement As to what you got out of it all. So I'll say, though reflection unnerves me And pronouncements I dodge as I can, That I think (if my memory serves me) There was nothing more fun than a man! In my youth, when the crescent was too wan To embarrass with beams from above, By the aid of some local Don Juan I fell into the habit of love. And I learned how to kiss and be merry- an Education left better unsung. My neglect of the waters Pierian Was a scandal, when Grandma was young. Though the shabby unbalanced the splendid, And the bitter outmeasured the sweet, I should certainly do as I then did, Were I given the chance to repeat. For contrition is hollow and wraithful, And regret is no part of my plan, And I think (if my memory's faithful) There was nothing more fun than a man! -- Dorothy Parker post comment

there's nothing much i need, i'm ready to go [06 May 2004|06:01pm] [ mood | refreshed ] [ music | Jason Mraz -- sleeping to dream ] Ah, spring spring spring! I feel like I can finally enjoy it now, like I'm finally beginning to emerge from the hazy cocoon of school, of papers and exams and endless assignments. I love my college career, don't get me wrong, but I felt something this afternoon that just knocked me down. The first stirrings of freedom! I stepped out from the biology building having just finished the final exam for my lab class. "That makes two down," I thought to myself, "lab and exposition. And for the other four I just have to take the finals, which should actually be the easy part of all of those classes. Just tidying up the academic loose ends..." It was then that I noticed how green everything was, how bright and warm and delicious. On Saturday my father and I are signing the lease for a townhouse about fifteen minutes from here. John, Erika, Camillo and I will be living there for at least two months. Our own place. It's all a bit terrifying in terms of financial responsibility and, of course, the fact that we're lying about the number of people living there. Hopefully we'll be able to get everyone on the lease officially ASAP, and even more hopefully we'll be able to find a better place to move into after that. I've been letting myself dwell endlessly on the things that could go wrong, and I think I've finally decided to stop doing that. It's too late to turn back now, and why live under a cloud of gloom and fear? We're going to have a private house-warming party after the move, just the four of us. I'll finally get a chance to make use of the rum that John gave me for my birthday, as well as the rest of the chocolate liqueur. All in all, I'm really liking this life thing. ^v^ post comment

long live the meme! [13 Apr 2004|12:55am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | The Cure- pictures of you ] I stole this from rosethepixie. Bold what applies, and change what doesn't. ( 100 statements ) ^v^ post comment

how many boards would the mongols hoard, if the mongol hordes got bored? [12 Apr 2004|12:31pm] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | Vandals- flowers are pretty ] Happy birthday to me! I turned 20 early this morning. When I was little I used to make my mom tell me the story of my birth over and over. All the weird little details like how long it took, how my dad went out and got her a Odie doll. Hey, I've always been pretty self-centered. Why else would I keep an online journal? Things have been going pretty damn well for me this past year. Not everything was perfect but the good stuff definitely outweighed the bad. And the past several months have just been amazing. I've learned to take the idea of enduring love with a grain or two of salt, but this is really challenging my ideas about it. I am open to the idea that my days of dating other people are over. I half decided not to make a big deal about my birthday this year and half just didn't have the time. After some brief reflection I've decided that this is not a bad thing. Let's see, what other things do I have to say before I head to class... I spent a day with Rose recently and it was just awesome. We wandered around Ellicot City in the rain. Every time I visit that place it yields up something new to me, and together we found a small treasure of beautiful moments. Page visited last weekend (was it that long ago, does time really move so fast?). Matt gave her an excellent rum/chocolate/strawberry/everything cake to give to me, the remains of which are waiting for me in the communal fridge downstairs. Fucking yum! She, John, and I went to see Jersey Girl, then went to a live Q&A session with Kevin Smith at UMCP. He was an extremely funny, down-to-earth guy. Right now John and his cool sister, Erika, are visiting nearby apartments to make the final decision on where we're all going to be living this summer. It'll be the three of us and her boyfriend, Camillo. He's a good kid, a really sweet guy. For my birthday present, I asked my parents to co-sign for the place with us and help with the initial rent. I think we can make this work. But hey, who knows? After all... ( Flowers Are Pretty ) ^v^ 4 comments|post comment

Your kindness for weakness I never mistook [12 Feb 2004|08:18pm] [ mood | sanguine ] [ music | Dropkick Murphys- for boston ] I just discovered, while poking around on RateMyProfessor.com, that my former Rabbi occasionally teaches a class at my college. Rabbi Buchdahl, that warm but slightly intimidating old man. He led the services at my synagogue throughout my entire childhood. As I got older his sermons really began to made me think. He had a wonderful way of tying everything together. He officiated at my Bat Mitzvah ceremony, and one of the few things that made me hesitant to stop attending shul once and for all was the idea that he might be disappointed in me if I stopped showing up. But in 2000 he ended his long career and a new Rabbi stepped up in his place. She was a nice enough woman, but could never replace the man who knew me when I was five years old. It was around that time that I finally cut the synagogue from my life. It was the right decision. I may have been raised as one, but I'm not a Jew. Continuing the pretense would have been pointless. I've gone a handful of times since then. The old songs and cermonies are familiar and comforting. How ironic that they should be for me now a nostalgic symbol of my childhood, when they always bored my younger self to tears. All in all though, it's something I rarely think about. What a strange thing, then, that Rabbi Buchdahl himself was teaching "Introduction to Judaic Studies" here just last semester. I can't imagine what it would have been like to run into him. Would he recognize me? Would the idea of his disapproval still worry me, or would we actually be able to talk as adults? He's not on the schedule for this semester, but I'll definitely keep an eye out for any classes being taught by him in the fall. I can picture myself asking to sit in on just one class. Just to hear his voice would be kind of nice, it's been so long. Still, I couldn't lie to him about my current deep-seated agnosticism, and I worry about what he'd think of me. What if it actually saddened him, to see that I'd turned from the religion he's devoted his life to? What an unbearable idea. Well, it's something to worry about in six months, not now... John should be arriving in Hagerstown anytime now. Tomorrow we're going to Katsucon together, a kickass anime convention in Virginia. This will be my fourth year there. Page, Jamie, Xarvox, and a ton of other awesome people I rarely see will all be there, including one of my favorite authors and illustrators, Mark E. Rogers. Let's see, as long as I'm posting I might as well do a quick update on the rest of my life as well... which mostly consists of school. Biology is tough, but I'm picking it up more quickly than I had imagined I would. Semi-permeable phospholipid bilayers and ribosomes housed in the endoplasmic reticulum no longer daunt me as they once did. The lab portion is time consuming but actually kinda fun. Most of our work so far has consisted of turning things different colors. Conservation Thought is predictably cool. I finished one of our assigned texts the day after beginning it, a neat little book called Indian Creek Chronicles. Political Science is more interesting that I expected, mainly thanks to the fact that the professor has a lot of thought provoking things to say. I still skip it regularly though, since attendance doesn't count and I know I can do well just by studying on my own. Hey, time is precious (says the girl who's writing a long, rambling entry in her online journal). Advanced Exposition and Argumentation is a more work-intensive class, the outline for our first major essay is due next week. Yikes. Guess I'd better pick a topic... And finally, the one class that's really been pissing me off is Introduction to Moral Theory. The subject matter is all well and good, but the professor is this awful porcine woman who seems to think that we're all in elementary school. She moves through the material at an excruciatingly slow pace, never delving into the more interesting implications, just skimming the boring surface. Even worse, she condescends to us by continually suggesting that we're not sophisticated enough to grasp the moral arguments presented in our texts. Well screw you, lady. Aside from that, I've been working on a character for a solo V:tM campaign that John is going to run for me. I'll post some of her background story later, I think it's coming pretty well. I've been missing a lot of Darkon events and practices lately, which is distressing but can't really be helped. I have a very full life at the moment. Oh, I've also been reading a lot of Kahlil Gibran lately, he's a famed Lebanese poet who loves allegories. Zeph introduced him to me, for which I owe her a debt of gratitude that can only be repaid with a backrub, or perhaps a box of pocky. I strongly suggest checking him out. To round out the entry, here's a short piece of his: The Sleepwalkers In the town where I was born lived a woman and her daughter, who walked in their sleep. One night, while silence enfolded the world, the woman and her daughter, walking, yet asleep, met in their mist-veiled garden. And the mother spoke, and she said: "At last, at last, my enemy! You by whom my youth was destroyed -- who have built up your life upon the ruins of mine! Would I could kill you!" And the daughter spoke, and she said: "O hateful woman, selfish and old! Who stand between my freer self and me! Who would have my life an echo of your own faded life! Would you were dead!" At that moment a cock crew, and both women awoke. The mother said gently, "Is that you, darling?" And the daughter answered gently, "Yes, dear." --Kahlil Gibran ^v^ 1 comment|post comment

introspection on a very superficial subject [16 Jan 2004|02:34am] [ mood | slightly conflicted ] [ music | an episode of Daria ] Legs all prickly! Agh! Yep, after quite a few years of having hairy legs, I got the crazy notion in my head to shave the poor things on Wednesday. It took me slightly over an hour to do it and it nearly made me late for work. I kept glancing at them throughout the day. They looked so naked and vulnerable. I've gotten used to the look and feel of them now, but it's still a little odd. I kinda do like my legs this way, I guess. But I doubt I'll keep shaving for more than a month at most. It's half a matter of convenience. Why spend all the extra time? Legs aren't like armpits, hair doesn't make them stink. Nor does it get bits of food stuck in it or make it annoying to kiss another person, like facial hair can. The invariable stubble that comes swiftly to a newly shaved leg is excessively scratchy. And while I've talked to some girls who say they're afraid they won't be able to attract a guy without shiny, smooth appendages, I've never found it an obstacle to finding... pleasurable company. ^_~ Aside from the neat feel, there is no reason whatsoever to bother with it. But it's also partly an ego thing. I started shaving my legs later than most girls, and I stopped just a few years later for all the reasons stated above. It took me a while to become at peace with it though... Even though it was my choice I still felt uncomfortable being so different and would keep my legs covered whenever possible. In time I grew into myself, found a center self-confidence, and stopped attempting to hide my hair. Eventually I even came to truly enjoy and appreciate it. I was the girl with the hairy legs. It made me different, and maybe it stood for some vague principle or another. I liked the furry feel of my legs, the hair thicker and darker than that of many of my male friends. And now -- look at them! Look at me! But y'know... maybe I'll keep them this way for a while after all. If there's one good lesson that life has taught me thus far it's that in general you should do things because they appeal to you, not for any more superficial or convoluted reason. In the end, being different for the sake of being different is no less petty than being the same for the sake of being the same. We are the superstars of Darkon. ^v^ 6 comments|post comment

must.. remember.... to breathe..... [09 Jan 2004|03:33am] [ mood | furious ] [ music | Clutch- a shogun named marcus ] http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=17432 Sometimes the flaws of a society controlled by the power of money become glaringly, blindingly, achingly obvious. A revolutionary new form of birth control has been created that is 100% effective, reversible, and has no side effects. Amazing! It's a miracle! We truly live in a glorious age! But... we won't have access to it here in America because it's more profitable for pharmaceutical companies to market us hormones... fucking hormones that screw with our most basic mental and bodily functions. By the way, here's a list of some of the known possible side-effects of the female contraceptive pill: -abnormal blood-clotting -bloating -breast tenderness or enlargement -chance of circulatory problems is greater in women who smoke or are over 35 -danger to a developing fetus if oral contraceptives used immediately before pregnancy -formation of tumors -gall bladder disease -headaches -heart diseases -improvement or worsening of acne -increased or decreased sex drive -slightly increased risk of breast cancer, cancer of the cervix and a very rare type of liver cancer that has been linked to the Pill -light or missed periods -moodiness or depression -nausea -spotting between periods -stroke -vomiting -weight gain or loss -yeast infections Fuck that, fuck the corporate mindset, fuck you, and fuck the world. Bang head on wall. Repeat until unconciousness. ^v^ "and big government should not stand between a man and his money i mean 'what's good for business is good for the country' our children still take that lie like communion the same old line the confederacy used on the union conjugate liberty into libertarian and medicate it associate it with deregulation privatization we won't even know we're slaves on a corporate plantation somebody say halleluja! somebody say damnation! cuz the profit system follows the path of least resistance and the path of least resistance is what makes the river crooked makes it serpentine capitalism is the devil's wet dream" --Ani Difranco post comment

"The sky is blue / And all the leaves are green / My heart's as warm as a baked potato" [23 Dec 2003|06:40pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | James Kochalka Superstar- candy atom bomb ] You are Armand, the oldest living vampire and the leader of an all vampire theatre. Which *Interview with the Vampire* character are you? brought to you by Quizilla Da fuck? Armand is not the oldest living vampire. Pssh. You're a pirate! You sexy beast! You do whatever you want and whatever profits you the most. You also get to see the world while searching for booty. You are feared by your enemy and adored by others. Or just plain out feared. Whatever floats your boat. Ninja vs Pirate brought to you by Quizilla Those are the fakiest looking costumes ever. I officially dub you the fearsome polyester pirates! Yarrr and stuff. You are Morrissey. "And I'm still waiting to be chosen for the swimming team!" What gloomy rock musician are you? brought to you by Quizilla Awww. Your cat is sexy. And somewhat mysterious. How Ugly Is Your Cat? brought to you by Quizilla Awwwwwwwwwww! Christopher Walken says Ladies are your trouble! "Okay....look....friend. You've gotta stop thinking about the girl. She...she lied to you- your family knows it. Look, I knew that stings, like a wasp, like a wasp with teeth, baby! Here's some walking around money. Take it from me, go and get yourself a new suit. Not one of those JC...Penny jobs, but a good suit. A nice fabric, like Wool. Get yourself a wool suit and enjoy yourself. See a cockfight, anything, pal? Look, you're number one." What advice would Christopher Walken give you? brought to you by Quizilla He's a madman I tells ya! Page is in town, and I got to hang out with her and Becca last night. We watched "Cannibal! The Musical", an early Matt Stone & Trey Parker flick. Weird, funny stuff (note the song lyrics in my subject line). I'll be spending Christmas with them as well, which promises to be a good time. John is going to be here for New Year's. Yep, the times they are good. ^v^ 1 comment|post comment

a feeling long in the making [18 Dec 2003|05:05am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Holly Near- in the face of love ] "There's something beating here inside my body And it's called a heart You know how easy it is To tear it apart If I lend it to you Will you keep it safe for me I'll lend it to you If you treat it tenderly There's something beating here inside my body And it's called a heart There's a sun shining in the sky But that's not the reason why I'm feeling warm inside The answer isn't classified, it's my heart From the moment I started I tried to be goodhearted Yes I tried my best And more or less I spoke from my heart There's a lot to be learnt And you learn when you heart gets burnt Hearts could never be owned Hearts only come on loan If I want it back I will take it back, I'll take my heart But I will try my best and more or less I will speak from my heart Yes I will speak from my heart Speak from my heart" --Depeche Mode The day that I told him I loved him, I walked around singing to myself even though I had a final exam to take and two papers due that weren't finished. The next day I fretted and wondered if I was really ready for a commitment. Then I talked to him and was reminded of all the reasons that I said it. Now I just feel a small surge of warmth every time I think about the whole thing. Yep. It looks like after all this time, I'm in one of those relationship-dealies again. John Davis Poniske is my man. Heh, it seems so strange to say it like that. It fits though. This is quite literally the first time in years that I've had no desire whatsoever to share my partner or to be with other people myself. I can imagine people reading this and saying "My! This seems sudden," but nothing could be further from the truth. John and I have known each other for a number of years, and there's been some degree of expressed feeling between us for over a year now. He is the first person with whom I've been able to maintain a long term correspondence, during the year he was stationed in Okinawa (yeah, he's a former Marine). Things finally came to a head this past weekend when I went to Pittsburgh to visit him. He and his mother live there, but are moving down to Hagerstown next month to be with his father. I had expected the trip to be awesome, but it blew away my expectations. Contrary to popular belief, Pittsburgh is a beautiful city. The downtown area is centered on a river valley, with rows of houses lining the hills that slope up on either side. We spent Saturday cruising around the city and visiting interesting little stores. By far, the coolest place that we visited was a coffee shop called Beehive. We spent over an hour playing Rummy and sipping our drinks in a booth in the back corner. It was a cozy, original sort of place, with interesting art covering the walls and ceiling. And the vending machine! Instead of vending chips and soda this thing sold wasabi peas, zippo lighters, and paperback novels, among other things. I was winning at Rummy when we left. ^_^ Eventually we picked up Erica, John's sister and also a friend of mine from some years back, and we all headed across town to Club Laga. The show there was the ostensible purpose of the trip- Moonspell, Type O Negative, and Cradle of Filth. Type O was the band that I really cared about, having been thwarted in my desire to see them last year with Seb. To get to the actual club area we had to climb up seven or so flights of stairs, which was a different sort of experience. The club itself was a large open area with a bar, a stage, and several strategically placed partitions to break up the space. There was also a second-floor balcony with an excellent view of the stage. Moonspell was first, and they were better than I had expected. John and I moshed through most of their set, though, alas, no serious pit action developed. For the Type O set we pushed our way to the front of the stage, managing to get about four rows from the front. I had been told that Peter Steele was a giant of a man, and he did not disappoint. Dude, the guy was huge. Towering, with long black hair and a very serious yet ever so slightly comical face. He seemed to be having some kind of throat problem, but did not let it get in the way of rocking out. The set was far shorter than I would have liked, but they did play "Love you to death", one of my favorite songs. "I am your servant, may I light your cigarette..." *shiver!* The set ended with Josh, the keyboardist, pulling his keyboard down on top of him and then walking off stage in what looked like a daze. "Look what you've done, people!", Peter admonished us. Good fucking times. It took forever for Cradle of Filth to come on. Seriously. We sat upstairs on the balcony and waited. Went downstairs and waited. I bought a Moonspell hoody. We waited more. By the time Cradle came on we were both tired and hungry, the energy from the earlier music having dissipated. We watched the beginning of their part of the show. It was very pretty, with interesting lighting effects and people in realistic gargoyle outfits skulking about the back of the stage. Their sound was absolutely technically perfect, but the unintelligible vocals did nothing for either of us. After deciding that the music was best described as "beautiful noise", we decided to split. Seb, if you're reading this, I know you just lost all respect for me. I was supposed to leave with John's dad that Sunday, but a snowstorm pushed the departure date to Monday. We stayed in on Sunday, talked, played more Rummy, watched movies, talked, drank some hard liquor, talked, etc. Significantly, we discovered that we were compatible in more ways than we had previously realized. When we finally got to sleep, there were just a few hours left before I had to get up to leave. I've continued that trend of barely sleeping over the past couple of days, last night being the notable and much-needed exception. It's now 6:30 in the morning, and I've got to catch the bus downtown for work in a couple of hours. Then, when I get home, I have got to finish my last school paper. Urgh. For some reason I've had a terrible time with it, but once it's done I won't have to even think about "homework" or "assignments" for over a month. ^v^ "soft hair and a velvet tongue I wanna give ya what you give to me and every breath that is in your lungs is a tiny little gift to me is a tiny little gift to me" --The White Stripes 3 comments|post comment

i won't say it if you don't say it first [10 Dec 2003|06:42am] [ mood | meh ] [ music | click clickety ] This is why I stopped shaving my legs in the eighth grade. It's 6:45 am right now, and I'm on one of the 24-hour lounge computer at the UMBC library. I read a really well-written fanfic about four hours ago, so good, in fact, that I couldn't sleep (heh, such a dork). So I went for a long nocturnal walk, something I hadn't done in way too long. It was cool and fun, but I got some snow in my boots. And, in the process of hopping a fence, I got a little rip in the back of my coat! My beautiful leather coat... *whimper* Normally I would just shrug and say that rips give stuff character, but this coat was a present and it's much nicer than most of the other things I own. Does anyone know of a good garment-mending or leather-working place in the area that I could go to? Less than a week left now until finals are over and the semester officially ends. It's exciting but daunting as well. So much to do. I talked to my old manager at GNC, he said that I can work there again for a few days a week during the winter semester. I'm not going to be taking any winter classes this year, so it'll be good to have something to do. Even if that something is being a corporate shill. Also on my list of stuff to do is teaching myself biology. Cynthia lent me a quality bio textbook, and I've been reading through it during my free time. If I have to take the damn class in the spring with a professor known for his experimental "active-learning" teaching style... a style that impresses researchers and completely exasperates students... well, I might as well be prepared. Urgh. I really hope that I get to meet up with some of my old Carver friends over the break. None of us are really all that great at planning, but it'd be such a huge waste not to have at least one party. Oi! Carver people! Do any of you actually read this thing? ^v^ 7 comments|post comment

more and more to do, less and less to prove [06 Dec 2003|02:07am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | James Kochalka- wash your ass ] "Somewhere far away the sky cries out in thunder, and there's nothing I can do. So I wait. And I watch. And I feel his breath against my face. Cool and brave. His salt licks my skin, his promise brushes my hair. His fury drives the wind to touch my cheek, and whisper something I can't hear. I think he loves me. I think he comes to see me. I am young. I will learn." --Terry Moore, "The Storm Approaches" About 20 minutes ago I was walking across campus in the snow. When it first started snowing last night the flakes were falling in clumps, like soggy bits of paper drifting down from the sky. Now they're tiny, more like snow-motes than flakes even. White dust swirling in front of my face. I tried to look right at it but it got in my eyes and make me blink. It's lovely stuff. Now to mention that it gives me an extra two days to write my paper on why the Endangered Species Act should be amended to allow for the listing of endangered and threatened ecosystems. There's so much to do over the next couple of weeks... aside from the ESA thing I have two other 10 page papers to write, a collection of reflections to put together for my class on alternative medicine, and three finals to prepare for. Phew. I'm almost tempted to reconsider my plan to go to Pittsburgh next weekend to see Type O Negative with John. Almost. I haven't seen John in weeks, and I haven't seen Type O ever. So I'll just have to get enough done over the coming week that I won't need the extra couple of days. Last weekend was the weekend of the dork. I stayed up all Friday night making weapons. Then I went to Dagorhir on Saturday and Darkon on Sunday. I got some serious rage out at Dag and a bunch of us went out for Indian food afterwards. Good stuff. At Darkon I got inducted into No Quarter. Then, Tuesday night, there was an hour or so of hard practice at CCBC. I think I've been fighting more consistently recently than ever in the past. On the one hand, awesome. On the other hand, it does start to get tiring, being sore all the friggin time. For once I can't say that I'm going to mind missing this coming week's practice too much. Besides, I'm sure the Pittsburgh show is going to afford me plenty of nice bruises. Cradle of Filth is the other headliner. Yowch. Oh! And I got the Pirates of the Caribbean dvd. Deleted scenes, baby, deleted scenes. "I dated a eunuch once..." This is so ridiculous and sweet. ^v^ post comment

this thing took fucking forever [01 Dec 2003|12:46am] [ mood | made of soreness ] [ music | White Stripes- offend in every way ] ::15 Random Favorites:: 1: back-rubs 2: badass short people 3: campfires 4: people who are ridiculously in love with each other, yet not obnoxious about it 5: Norse mythology 6: my environmental studies advisor 7: anime conventions 8: Ragnarok 9: the novel Clan of the Cave Bear 10: skeleton imagery 11: anything by Neil Gaiman 12: Final Fantasy III 13: ^v^ bats ^v^ 14: boobies 15: your mom ::14 Favorite Foods:: 1: pumpkin pie made with rum 2: vodka milkshakes 3: scrambled eggs with tons of garlic 4: anything with tons of garlic 5: pretty much anything Indian 6: natural fruit shakes 7: eel sushi 8: baklava 9: pad thai noodles 10: chai 11: toasty souls of the damned 12: rice pudding 13: toast with butter, cinammon, sugar, and almond slices 14: your mom ::13 Most Watched Shows:: 1: Futurama 2: Family Guy 3: Sealab 2021 4: The Simpsons 5: The Critic 6: Duckman 7: The Daily Show 8: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy 9: Kids in the Hall 10: Whose Line is it Anyway? (original version) 11: MST3K 12: The Real Ghostbusters (back in the day) 13: your mom's webcam ::12 Good Bands in your Opinion:: 1: Flogging Molly 2: Depeche Mode 3: The Cure 4: Olive 5: The Vandals 6: The Pyrates Royale 7: Everclear 8: Nine Inch Nails 9: System of a Down 10: Red Hot Chili Peppers 11: Type O Negative 12: The Smiths ::11 Memories:: 1: full-body blushing at Denny's 2: the first time i killed someone in a big circle of people at the Darkon tavern 3: playing in the big turtle shells at the Baltimore Zoo when I was little 4: waking up and naming all of his body parts in German 5: sitting with Kylara at the lake and explaining the world about thirty times 6: the first time we went skinny-dipping 7: holding my dog for an hour the night before she was put to sleep 8: every single thing about the two Ragnaroks I've been to 9: the first time i drank myself into a stupor 10: dancing with Becca at the hotel Halloween dance that we snuck into 11: Flogging Molly at The Recher ::10 Close Friends:: 1: Rose 2: Cynthia 3: Justin 4: John 5: Lauren 6: Page & the rest of our erstwhile Carver crew 7: Zeph & Frank 8: Dez 9: Josh 10: n0x0r ::09 Things you're looking forward to:: 1: Ragnarok 19 2: winter break 3: getting the fuck out of the dorms 4: ROTK 5: being 21 6: going back to O.C. 7: Katsucon, Otakon, and the WBC 8: going to see Type O with John 9: doing your mom ::08 Things you wear daily:: 1: um? 2: i can't really answer this 3: some days i go the whole day without dressing at all 4: those are really lazy days 5: not all that often or anything 6: mostly in the summer 7: i do like to be productive 8: but sometimes it's nice to relax ::07 Things That Annoy You:: 1: stupidity 2: little kids 3: people that tell you to smile as if that's going to solve all your problems (see #1) 4: organized religion 5: itchy sweaters 6: prejudice (see #1) 7: things flying at my face ::06 Things You Touch Everyday:: 1: myself 2: other people 3: water 4: the ground 5: fabric 6: your mom ::05 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:: 1: Hedwig & the Angry Inch 2: Pirates of the Caribbean 3: The Rocky Horror Picture Show 4: Labyrinth 5: Monty Python and the Holy Grail ::04 Of Your Favorite Childhood Toys:: 1: dino riders action figures 2: my lovely little NES 3: 64 box of crayolas 4: a really big cardboard box ::03 People You Have Kissed:: 1: i only get three? 2: it's not even worth it if i only get three 3: dude, your mom ::02 Of Your Favorite Songs:: 1: The Cure- close to you 2: Red Hot Chili Peppers- suck my kiss ::01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With:: 1: YOUR MOM post comment

no hidden catch, no strings attached [24 Nov 2003|03:25am] [ mood | mildly dejected ] [ music | Depeche Mode- goodnight lovers ] It's 3 in the morning. I just got in. Lauren's not here. The near orgasmic jolt of joy I felt when I realized that fact is exactly the reason I wanted so badly to move out. It's so goddamn nice to be able to relax completely, free of any company. Not to mention I can play my music without headphones. Sensuality. Affection. Sex. It's not so much about the physical pleasure, although that's welcome and enthusiastically appreciated. It's about getting so close to another person. Does that capture what I'm trying to say? The feeling? There's always the physical attraction thing, that's inevitable. But I also have to care about the person at least a little, there has to be some sort of connection. Once upon a time I acted on attraction alone, but that time is long past. So I let myself get close to someone because in some way I care about them. And being close to that person makes me care about them more, it feeds into itself. There's always, also, an element of reverence. This isn't something I really express to my partner, but it informs every action I take. It's not something that I've ever even articulated very well to myself... I suppose it'd be most accurate to say that I view human sensuality, pleasure, joy, as sacred. Every touch is a small act of worship. It's why I enjoy massage so much. It's a way I can confer pleasure to another person without taking it into the realm of the sexual. A small act of devotion towards what we are. It was always a casual thing. Neither of us would have wanted it any other way. But I'm going to miss the hell out of it. Every line and plane, every curve and texture is still etched into my mind right now. So I'll listen to sad songs for the next few days and then get over the fact that it's over. Thank god for camraderie. Thank god for estrogen! Kyla, Sarah, Robin, Veronica and I are going out for "lesbian coffee" tomorrow afternoon. Huzzah. ^v^ 3 comments|post comment

living like a wave in love with the sea [18 Nov 2003|01:56am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | The Cure- pictures of you ] I'm still kind of in a daze. It was quite the weekend. The campout fell apart to some degree, due to lack of organization. It wasn't awful, there was some good fighting, good energy, and good roleplaying. But there were also periods of inactivity and restlessness caused by the overly loose structure of the plot. I froze up a lot, which I hate. There were times when I just didn't know what to do and so I did nothing, which is of course the worst possible response. But I also think I was able to help things along in terms of making sure shit got done. So all in all... it could've been a lot better, it could certainly have also been worse. I forgot the tent poles for my tent, but it actually turned into a good thing. Dez let me keep my stuff in her tent (because she is crazy cool) and so I ended up hanging out with her country, Nurgle, way more than usual. Nurglings are fun freaks. Kauthun had brought his pet rooster, Lee Harvey, and everyone was absolutely enamored of him. The jokes about the cock were unceasing, and to my shame I admit that I perpetuated them. Kauthun also brought his father, who was a very interesting, grizzled older guy. After the pit fights he sat us all down and read us a poem by Shel Silverstein called Perfect High. Shel is the man. Saturday night was just... man. I'd allowed myself to get stressed out by the issues with the adventure, and had begun snapping at people who didn't deserve it. Then it was finally over, and we got to announce the prizes. That part rocked. Dragonhood won, their first time ever coming in first at a campout. Seeing how overjoyed they were made everything seem more worth it. Then I got to burn off some excess energy by sparring and fighting in the pit fights. Mmm, pit fights. No matter how much people get huffy and accuse other people of blowing off shots, I can't help but love the pit fights. It's the atmosphere. Sitting in a big ring of crazy, shouting, dusty Darkonians, just soaking in the energy. Good stuff. After that Mo and I got to hang out for the first time in... god, the first time in way, way too long. We talked about our lives, about connections between people, and about past times "when it seemed so easy to be happy". It was sweet and a little sad. After that, I went to the Mead Horn and quickly went about getting smashed. A little vodka, a little rum, having interesting conversations with people along the way. At one point I insisted that somebody spar me. I finally found a guy who was willing. We went outside the bar and went back and forth with our swords for a bit. I smacked him in the head a couple of times, and then he clocked me in face while I was falling. Yowch. I can still feel the soreness from that in my jaw when I chew. Eventually I went over to Moot to hang out. Nausea began to kick in shortly after and Verdune was very helpful. I didn't end up puking, but I did almost fall asleep in a field and he saved me from that fate. Sunday consisted of sweeping the trails for trash, breakfast at Denny's, and then Amtgard (spelling?) in Hagerstown. Amtgard was an interesting experience. The people there fought with weapons very similar to ours, but didn't move as fast, hit as hard, or have as much energy in general. Weirdness. I sparred a bit with one long haired kid who looked to be about fourteen. It was awfully cute, he did an admirable job of trying to act like he wasn't awed by me (sounds ridiculously vain, I know). Then finally home and rest. The bed seemed to literally suck me in. I resisted sleep for a little while, but eventually the undertow of exhaustian caught me and dragged me down. I don't think I dreamed. One of the things that sticks most clearly in my mind is the feeling I had when walking the paths Saturday night when I'd just had a tiny bit to drink. It all seemed so unbelievably beautiful. I remembered my first couple of campouts, how the dark had seemed intimidating. Almost as intimidating as the big guys with swords whose attacks I still had to fight not to flinch away from. How much things change in two and a half years. I could less be afraid of the night at the Reunion Farm campsite now than I could be of my own home in broad daylight. I run along the the paths at night in the dim light of distant campfires, and my feet know where every rock is found. The paths, the camps, the fires, the moon, the clouds. The people. The people most of all. I just love being close close to them, talking to them, interacting, watching them, sometimes getting closer and sometimes staying apart. I feel at home in the community of Darkon. Secure enough that I can talk to almost anyone yet need to talk to no one. So that was my weekend. I found out today that I was completely mistaken in thinking that just because I pay for housing at UMBC by the semester that I can leave at the end of any given semester. Nope. Unless I'm leaving the school, I'm bound to pay for on-campus housing throughout the entire year. It was going to rock so hard... living with Cynthia, having my own room again, making my own food again, hanging out with her and Shawn and the animals. It would have saved a ton of money too. I really, really wanted this. When the housing advisor told me that release from the contract wasn't going to happen I had one of those moments that we've all experienced from time to time. I understood what she was saying but I hadn't quite caught up in terms of acceptance. So I just stood there for a minute like an idiot, wanting to say "Are you sure?" but knowing how dumb that would sound. Overall, however, I find I'm not too deeply upset. My original plan at the start of the semester was to stay here through until the end of the year and now that is once again the plan. Now Dan is free to live with Cynthia in my place if he wants to, which would be neat. I highly approve of my friends consolidating their living arrangements, it makes it easier to visit people. *Sigh* I'm still thinking about the campout. There won't be another one for a few months. I'm going to miss it all very much. Thank god Darkon as a whole doesn't stop during the winter. ^v^ "We live, as we dream, alone." -Zeph 1 comment|post comment

i'll admit, i didn't do this with great psychological insight in mind [12 Nov 2003|03:23am] [ mood | very very bruised ] [ music | Cruachan- the rocky road to dublin ] A mini-quiz, ganked from Bahli who ganked it from someone else... If I were a stone, I would be a smooth round grey stone with lichen growing on it. If I were a tree, I would be a weeping willow. If I were a bird, I would be a purple martin. If I were an insect, I would be a praying mantis. If I were a machine, I would be the Brutalizer. If I were a tool, I would be a bandsaw. If I were a fruit, I would be a flaming tangerine. Y'know, like it's on fire. If I were a flower, I would be a bright red cactus blossom. If I were a kind of weather, I would be misting rain in the summer. Yeah, I know it's cliche. If I were a mythical creature, I would be a kraken. If I were a musical instrument, I would be a violin. If I were a kind of profession, I would be a healer. If I were an animal, I would be a malayan flying fox. If I were anything in the world, I would be me but with secret super powers. If I were a color, I would be dark purple. If I were a fragrance, I would be the smell of freshly-dried post-sex sweat. If I were an emotion, I would be amusement. If I were a state or feeling, I would be Vermont. If I were a vegetable, I would be a fresh yellow pepper. If I were a sound, I would be plinkplinkplinkachooookakree. If I were an element, I would be fire. ^v^ post comment

nature worship and no love for religion [10 Nov 2003|02:01am] Awesome new Ani Difranco lyrics: "bad dreams like this roll in like a cold front thunderous thunder and lightning in tow and your tiny little life gets even smaller as you heed the heavens' mighty show and i don't mean heaven like godlike cuz the animal i am knows very well that nature is our teacher and our mother and god is just another story that we tell" "more and more there is this animal looking out through my eyes seeing that animals only take from this world what they need to survive she is prowling through all the religions of men seing time and time and time again their gods that made them special and above nature's law and the respect thereof" ^v^ post comment

ruffled, dusty, greasy, glad [10 Nov 2003|01:48am] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | The Cure- close to me ] My skin tells the following stories: On my left arm "quietrhymes" is written in black marker, stretching from arm to wrist to the edge of my hand. This is from the voodoo campout meeting last night. Mo called late in the evening and said that she and her gang of Amazons wanted to help out. By the time they got to Dez's, the lunar eclipse was just starting. We all stood outside in the cold and watched the moon slowly disappear. The best part was when it was just starting, and the moon looked like it was stained red. A red and white marble moon. Mo was cold and I gave her my coat to wear. Then she held me so that I wouldn't be cold either. It was so, so nice to be able to spend a few moments with her like that. When it became obvious that the moon was as gone as it was going to get, we all went inside and went over the plan for the campout one more time. Mo and I talked about how we used to spend so much time together, and the conversations we used to have. I mentioned that I never saw her online anymore, and it turned out that we'd both changed screennames and forgot to tell each other. She gave me her new sn and I wrote it on my arm. So that's the first story. Overlaying the "es" on the end of "quietrhymes" is a badly faded stamp shaped like a raven. I got this stamp when entering the performance space at Copycat, a punk group-house/venue downtown. The place was crazy. It used to be a warehouse of some sort, I think, but got re-zoned. Now a bunch of artists and weirdos live there. If only I could have gone there when I was a little kid... it would have been an amazing playground, all big open spaces and maze-like corridors and random spraypainted art. There was a little kid there, actually, a young girl in a velvet jumpsuit. But I'll get to her later. Dan was the one who told me about the show, and I went with him, Kevin, Dave, and Seaballs. We were going mainly to see a guy called Mischief Brew play, although there were several other groups performing as well. The first two were kinda generic irish punk, pretty boring. Then Mischief Brew (real name- Eric) stepped up. No complicated setup, just him and his guitar. The man rocked the fuck out. There's nothing I love more than a performer who has a ton of energy and is obviously really into what he/she is doing. The mic died several times during his set, and Eric just stepped in front of it and sang louder. His lyrics came hard and fast but were still completely intelligible, which is important to me. He sang about homogenization, protesting and boycotting, but with a sense of poetry to his words, not the oft-boring straightforwardness of other political punk/folk performers. In one of his best songs he sang about the longing for an imagined purer time which may or may not have ever really existed. I remember him in the middle of his set, sweat on his forehead, veins standing out on his neck, strumming and shouting and rocking, while the thick semi-circle of punks gathered around him swayed and sang along and clapped. Good stuff. There's a matching raven stamp on my right hand, clearer than the first, because I got it later on in the evening. The aforementioned little girl gave it to me, after looking me seriously in the eyes and asking if I'd paid yet. Even though I'd already been stamped, she was way too adorable- and why the hell not?- so I assured her that I'd paid and let her stamp me again. She'd been tearing around the open warehouse-space of the show all evening, giving out stickers and playing with the dogs that people had brought and attaching herself to the legs of people that she knew. She asked to play chess with me once, and I obliged. The way she moved her pawns horizontally was kinda funny, and I didn't pay too much attention to the game, but it was still a surprise when she got me in a genuine checkmate after a couple of minutes of play. Then she gave me a nickel. I'm not sure why. She and the numerous dogs added a sense of unrestrained chaos to the whole atmosphere, very appropriate for a gathering place for anarchists and the disaffected. On the underside of my left arm a phone number is written in blue marker. It belongs to a girl named Jenny, who helps run the Baltimore Food Not Bombs meetings. I went to one FNB meeting, back when it was at Bu's house. We made a bunch of vegan dishes, took them to a park in front of the courthouse downtown, and distributed the food to the local homeless population. I mainly helped with the spaghetti sauce. It was the only time I attended... Sundays aren't super convenient for me, but I still wish I'd made more of an effort to go again. Abby was the first girl at the show who I recognized from FNB, though I didn't realize why she seemed familiar at first. She came up to me in between bands, a cute little punk girl with pink and purple pigtails. She'd been trying to convince a reluctant friend to cross arms and spin around with her, and asked if I would do it to demonstrate the safety and fun of the activity. So we crossed our arms, linked hands, and spun for about thirty exhilerating seconds before mutually collapsing on the ground. It was then that I asked her where I knew her from, and rediscovered that we shared the same name. Later on in the evening I thought to ask where FNB had been moved to now that Bu's old house had been vacated. Jenny said that it was at her house just up the street, and gave me her number. Moving back in time just a little... Both of my knees are still covered in bruises and scrapes from the Darkon event last week. As enjoyable as practice is, it doesn't compare to fighting on teams of 40+ people each and getting caught up in huge melees. Rome was back out on the Darkon field for the first time in over two years, which made for an interesting dynamic. During one fight I got caught between two of them. Their plate armor make a crashing sound like cymbals, but somehow I didn't get squashed. All in all it was an excellent day, no great surprise. The weather was way nicer than it should have been for November. I think I fought reasonably well, but was honestly having too much fun to notice most of the time. Hawk gave me a neat little disposable camera with a bat on it. Mo gave me a pair of arm warmers with skulls on them. I felt loved. ^v^ Rose: I love you, but you know that already. post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]