Random Rant and Rave Center

12:36pm: I am the most beautiful belle at the ball
Another month and another month at work. work.... work... Anybody else hear that echo? The paychecks are almost nice, not quite, but almost. I guess it is a good thing to have a job with a steady paycheck, but I really feel like I've lost part of myself. Really there isn't anything for me to do other than work, again and again and again. 50 hour weeks just don't really do it for me. I shouldn't complain, though, it has given me time to catch up on my reading. I'm considering starting the Interant again. I'm not sure. I'll try and see what I can come up with tonight, at work. Really the only thing that holds me back is that I'm horrible with updating on a regular basis so then I feel guilty about not updating and then I end up with a two year lapse. Not to mention I've said that I would bring one of my comics back I don't even know how many times and I haven't. I MUST SUCCEED! Or however that is spelled. I'm going to go and sketch some. Later all.

11:17am: Battle on!
For the past seven months I've had a secret passion. I don't know what it is about this game that keeps me coming back, it certainly isn't of the highest quality. I've been playing Adventure Quest like a mad man. If you would like to try it go to http://www.battleon.com . I really don't know why I like this game so much. By the way it is free, that probubly helps my enjoyment. I guess one thing is that it is always improving. So while it isn't the best game I've ever played it is certainly better than most right now. That and it is a group of people that are doing it simply because it is their passion and really I want to do that some day too. Okay maybe there are som reasons to enjoy the game.

The brand new movie version of Douglas Adam's Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy comes out today. I'm really excited, I love the books and I really love the old Brittish movie series that is already out. That and I'm excited that Marvin's voice is done by the same guy that does Snape in the Harry Potter movies. I'm just all around excited, too bad I work tonight. Work at the movie theater that is. Oh cursed irony!

9:37am: Boooooooooooooze
Here's to another year's celebration. The Miss's certainly had just a couple of shots last night. I'm not sure who she survived the Bicardy 151. It was fun getting to hang out with Eliot, Rory, and Matt again last night too. Those Irish Car Bombs we had were pretty interesting. I think I liked it, but I think I drank it too fast. Oh well. The reading for Shelterbelt was entertaining. I really liked the other four readings. I felt a bit odd since my story was more than twice as long as any one else's. That and it was a story about an evil nursing home and I can't help feel I made an old guy really uncomfortable. Oh well people laughed sometimes so they must have thought it was alright.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooze

I just thought I needed to repeat that sentiment.

This morning I was watching the Discovery Channel and what do you think I saw? That's right a scientific look at both the sasquatch and champ from lake Champlane (spelling?). All I can think about that is why aren't these scientist working on what they were trained for? They all have fancy doctorates hanging on their walls and they're studying the sasquatch. Is science not paying as well as it used too? I guess they could be doing it for fun while they really figure out who to defeat those dastardly Power Rangers, but I don't think that is the case. A couple of them seemed very much like that is the only thing they ever study. That's how you know we're in America. The saying of how we should eat all of our food because there are starving children in China, that should be changed. It should go, "If you have a doctorate in biochemestry you should cure cancer, because there are people in your neighborhood dieing of it right now." Things like champ and sasquatch should be left alone until some hill-billy kills one and brings it to town. When we know for sure that they exist sure go study them, until then I think we have some pretty major problems to overcome. It is like politicians worrying about the poor in other nations while doing next to nothing for the poor in our own country. America can be rather screwed up sometimes.

9:06am: The big 21
Well it is official, the miss's has turned the big two-one today. She is really excited and it is really cute. She wants to go to a bar tonight, but I have to read for the Shelterbelt release. Curses messed up fate!! Oh well I catch up with her later right? Birthays are a little bit wierd. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but they are. What is so worth celebrating another spin around the sun? People do it all the time. As far as I know every person in existance didn't exist until I was born, so should I give all of them gifts on my birthday as well? Don't get me wrong here I like to celebrate and get free stuff, free just happens to be my favorite number. It's just aren't there other things that people should celebrate instead? Happy post-puberty day! WOOT you are no longer a hormone driven teenager! Happy first week of walking! Happy misplaced mother-in-law day! I guess if I open the flood gates like that then it will be too much and all of that hoakey crap. Well I'm here to say that everyday should be celebrated for some sort of reason. Birthdays are the little party animals inside of us looking for an escape.

Now for a random juxtaposition. Within the next five days I have six reports due, a speech, and 6 new poems. Hot damn if I thought this semester would be easy. What the hell was I thinking that college would ever be nice to me. Although I shouldn't talk because I new about all of this and refused to work on it until now. Still, why so much? It makes it hard to take any of the assignments seriously. My mind has trouble shifting from wrtiing my Ars Poetica to why Gertrude isn't such an idiot. College isn't hard just for the work load, it is hard due to the multiple personalities it tears from people's minds. Next time I meet a college student I should ask them which class it is that I'm speaking to. Frick'n a'! I guess I should puke out another report now. I'll catch you guys later.

3:21pm: Hi Carumba!
I need to get a horde of monkeys. Not a group, not a posse, not an unrully mob. A frick'n horde. I'm going to teach one-fourth to be ninjas, the next fourth to be Shakespearian authors, another fourth to be Kung Fu masters, and the last fourth to be ballroom dancers. Together they shall aide me in my radical monkey party for president. Our color shall be muave and our animal shall be the goat. Together with my monkey horde I will maddly consume the entire election. A landslide of monkeys and goat fliers will cause a complete upheavel of everything the right and left wings hold dear. So if anyone is wondering "Vote goat in 2008!"

8:34am: Abstract crit. in the form of a wilderbeast
The pretty lady I live with and will soon marry suggests that I should write an entry about her. Well okay I think I just might. Now what to wrtie about her... Leg shaving, I've been trying to get that one figured out. I can understand why guys shave their faces, because women really don't seem to like kissing fella's with beards. The leg thing, though, I don't quite get it. Why just the legs? Why not everything except for her eye brows and scalp? Granted that would take a century and a half to do. I'm just not catching on here.

This kind of leads me to another topic in that Chris kind of way. Why do men try so hard to understand women? We certainly don't try very hard to understand much else. Unless it has a motor or can blow something up, Bo knows blowing shit up. The only men that seem to understand the female brain are gay and they don't really count since most straight men don't understand them either. What is it about that second X chromosome that makes life so confusing? Maybe that's why men love women so much. There really is no way for us to understand them. Any man that says he does is a liar by the way. That's just become like a twenty-first century pick-up line. "Hey baby I feel for you and the menstration. Want to go back to my place and talk about our feelings?" Women are God's rubix cube. I don't want to know the answer to life the universe and everything, that's forty-two, I want to understand the other gender.

6:45pm: Yo mamma is calling from inside the house
I keep forgetting that I even have this thing. Jeez I bet it's been another six months since I've written hasn't it. I'm not even going to try to say that I'll write in this thing everyday. I think I just need to today. I've been attempting to write something, anything today. I can't. It all comes out as half eaten crap piled up in a second story water closet. Delicious. I think I miss writing in this journal. Maybe I will keep it up for once. I will have more time on my hands pretty soon, which is delicious. I feel a rant coming on. What should I rant on though. It should be something good. Lets think...

Why I think caffeine free soda is the third sign of the apocolypse:

Caffeine free soda is the third sign of the apocolypse because it is without a doubt that the Backstreet Boys and N'SYNC were the apocolypic signs one and two. Therefore we are only up to sign three. Which is good since that means that we have some time until our eventual demise at the hands of our creator. Although the eternal life thing would be nice, I guess God needed to sweeten the world death deal with something right? Well anyway the reason caffeine free soda is another of the signs is becuase it is a bold faced lie laughing at us from it's throne of pestulence. For one thing caffeine free soda actually has some caffeine in it, but for this arguement I'll ignore that fact. The real lie is how it is soda. The only reason that I ever reach for a carbonated beverage is to have some caffeine. It makes the bad headaches go away and it gives me Popeye like determination to finish major reports. To have a poser soda in front of you is a slap in the face. I don't drink Pepsi or Mountain Dew for the taste. They all taste the same after awhile. The only reason to drink the stuff is to get the mood altering drug sealed within. What is the use of slowly embalming my body if I can't even get the jitters? Obviously the dark prince is behind this and I must stop it! Either that or I have to go and get a real carbonated beverage. Maybe I'll just do the latter. For today... for today...

There I don't know about you cyber people, but I certainly feel better about myself now.

10:00am: American Idiot
Howdy all! I'm just recently concious after a nice night of sleep. Mmmm sleep I almost forgot how good that can be. Is it wierd to think that you're not always alone when you're well... Alone? I admit my imagination has most certainly been getting the best of me lately but I can't help but think that there is some one around when no one is there. Granted a gaint dark movie theater at open and close is just naturally haunted. I don't know what to think, nothing wierd has happened just that feeling. Although everything seems to be more negitive oriented recently. Naw I'm probubly just letting my mind wander too much. Anyway how is everyone else? I just picked up a book written by the Dali Lama last night and he certainly looks like a happy fellow. I can't wait to get the chance to read that book! Well I have to get ready for another 15 hour day. Yippy!

10:47am: No... Yo yo ma
I've been meaning with the best of intentions to use this thing once again. So here goes.


















Man I'm all used up on ideas. Yep that was a crazy entry wasn't it?! Actually I did have things to say. I don't know I guess as far as life goes I'm happy, but lost. I don't know what to do with myself. Not that it's a bad thing I for one like to journey around to find inner meaning and all of that other transendental stuff (as long as its not transendental like the author movement in America... Talk about boring). No it's more like I'm finally at that crossroads where I can either make something of myself or forever stay a bland nobody. I'm not sure which I'll end up being. I've found that I'm horrible at well... A lot of things. Being organized is just one, but I've always known that. But no I'm really bad at communication. I keep finding myself losing touch with the people that I care for. I'm trying to fix that. I'm also having some issues with fears of mine. I've always been afraid of being alone and the dark. Especially when the two are mixed. And that bothers me. Sure I've seen some crazy things alone at night, like that white figure *shudders* but I've decided that I no longer want to be that person. If I'm serious about the ministry things that go bump in the night will be one of those things that will come up. Oddly enough what is helping me to conquer that fear is the show "Ghost Hunters". Seeing those guys go out and tackle what has petrified me for years is giving me some courage. So of course I've been doing some research on this stuff for the first time ever and I'm starting to feel better about myself. Now that I'm starting to confront my fears maybe I should finally try to conquer my own seedy underworld. Time to reconnect with those I've left behind. Ugh, too much work, but it needs to be done! I must suceed!!

3:28pm: Howdy Doody time
I took a deep drag from my cheap dime store cigarette. I could feel the gritty tabacco chunks clinging to my insides. I knew that through that giant employees only door awaited thirty iron clad D.J samuri's chomping at the bit to slice me into human sushi. They knew the only entrance availible to me was the one that I currently stood infront of. The chips were in their corner. Good thing I lied to them and told them that I was an adept blade weilder. Little do they know that I'm the fastest draw this side of Carson City. I kicked in the door and began to fire the unholy shit storm of lead. Oh how honorable I was that night.

2:14pm: Blarizord destroy!
The room opens it's expanses before me, a thousand dancing people and I stand alone. I quickly lite my fourth cigarette. I may be alone on another Friday night but at least I could hide from all their jeering faces in my smoke. The sweet ninja like stealth my unhealthy habit produces is like a giant security blanket. I wonder where Eliese is tonight. Probubly shacking up with Pete again, fuckers. Death might be the sweetest thing that cigarettes ever gave me. Forget nicotene I want death.

I dodge and dance towards the employee's only door. They will be on the otherside. I certainly hope that I'm ready.

11:12am: Wireless hubb'n maniac

NOTE: z

No smoking around garbage_dweller. Thankyou for your co-operation.

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com


The sign reads like a fortune cookie. I smother my third cigarette of the day on the cold brick wall. Something inside me said that today would hold an importance that I could not yet forsee. If only I could wade through the thick oatmeal of reality to find out what this unseen importance was.

I calmly reach for the door handle. No turning back now, things had gone too far already, no use fighting it.

11:44am: Salsa bitches
Carl sat complacently perfect in his reclined armchair. He thumbed the remote in his one and only way. "What's on Brit?" Carl released a gas with toxic oders not fit for consumption.

"Fuck'n A Carl where the hell do you keep all that bad air?" Brit dodged out of the room hoping to preserve her half spent life.

"Gah, usless woman. Can't live with her... Can't eat her... Can't really do much with her... I need a beer," Carl awkwardly lift the door to his secret armchair cooler. "Only one left. Maybe that bitch has a reason to be around after all. She can get me the beers!"

Carl popped off the top and began to guzzle. Too bad he never learned in school that drinking while in a reclined position can be bad for your health.

The malty beverage began to curdle in his convulsing throat. He wanted to scream out for Brit but the words were lost some where between his lungs and Talahassee. Damn baggage claims any way. The world began to fade away as he gagged and choked in his perfectly complacent little reclined postion. Carl passed as his gas, forcefully with a lingering smell.

11:05am: Walk with the crotchety old bitch
I calmly meandered down the isles of Abritrary's imfamous library. The shelves reeked of decay and maltreatment. Oh if only these books could bring class action lawsuits against their owner. What a glorius day that would be. I lift up my hand and lightly grace my fingers on the bindings of such great works as Great Expectaitions and Invisible Man. The soft pitter pattering sound becomes my daily mantra. Fwip fwip fwip... I begin to hum the theme to Green Acres as I round the bend knowing full well that I am the only person within these dieing walls. It is after all the place to be.

Silver fish and cockraoches scatter at my coming. Little mice have already staked their realastate on the first floor. There goes the Vonnegut. What a shame. I wonder if the mice name their streets after the authors who made their homes. "Where do you live Carl?"

"Oh me and the misses we live down on Vonnegut, Kurt SIN X9902." What silly mice they are after all.

I round yet another corner and begin to step into the ancient reading. Fwip fwip fwip... These books haven't been checked out since my parents were born. Maybe longer. Do you think that if a book is left alone that long it begins to forget what it is? As its once brilliant hard bound cover fades away and its pages tare at their first chance. What a shame, some migrant work probubly lost a thumb sowing those bindings. Fwip fwip fwip...

Finally I come to my destination just as soon as Green Acres goes through it's fifth rendition. My corner of the world. It isn't much but I call it home. One window looks down on the unintelligable street. All the little hairless monkeys dancing about in their tribal rituals. One monkey hits another with his vehicle, anger ritual insues. Another monkey comments on a female monkey's nice rack, death ritual insues. All quite funny. From up here I can almost begin to think that I might be God. How silly that would be, if I were God.

I tap on the glass while I gaze upon my minnions. Then I remember what the fish man told me once, "Don't tap on the glass kid, you might blow up their balests." The more you know. Weary of my friends ballests and tired from my long journey through knowledge I begin to doze off. I dream, I think, or maybe I live, or maybe I don't dream, it's all the same to me. I sleep about sleeping in a bed. I sleep about sleeping as a hairless monkey. I sleep about sleeping as one of them.

1:50pm: If I could only dance like a rabid baboon
The day started as any other. Me hanging upside down by my ankles squeeling "I'm a pretty tea pot, short and fat." Needless to say my mornings tend to be all sorts of flavors of messed up. That day tasted a bit like black licorice. So horrible but you keep going back to it just because it's the same shape as the good kind.

Well anyway as I was chanting my mantra "I'm a pretty tea pot, short and fat." A happy nut barring squirrel chanced upon my window ledge.

"Hello stranger," he told me as he nestled his walnut between his squirrely thighs and arm pits. "I come with grand news of the war."

"I'm a pretty tea pot."

"Indeed you are my friend. The front is bare, but the backside is furry with enemyies," he took a quick snap at his nut.

"Short and fat."

"Oh very fat my fine feathered friend. You homosapians are all alike. Intelligent, and damned sexy. But that is besides the point. The last bastion of hope 'Hot Dog Stand Number 2' has fallen to our national enemy the pigeons!"

"That is certainly a predicament you furry little bastard."

"My parents have nothing to do with this kind sir," he ruffled his fur in a sign of contempt.

"Quite sorry wee one. Go on."

"As I was saying the pigeons have taken over. We have scattered. 98% of our troops have fallen."

"Oh this is a bad turn of events. How will I ever get another Sour Kraut and bacon weenie again?"

"My thoughts exactly sir," a forlorn look drapes itself across the squirrel's face. "We shall never be able to overcome such a horde of evil dooers."

"Don't loose hope fuz face, God is on our side," just then 10,000 angry cross baring pigeons blew into my bedroom. "This is a tight spot!"

That day the battle lasted for what seemed like fourty-three minutes. Many squirrels and pigeons fell but I had a ham sandwich.

1:50pm: Jelly beans and sunspots
I promised Tessa a journal and as God is my witness I'm going to make one! I think I'm going to try out a little story. Here goes.

Hail Mary...

Sign of the cross, a quiet moment of contemplation, kiss the rosary. The monotony of prayer wares on the soul with time.

Full of grace...

Sign of the cross, a quiet moment of contemplation, kiss the rosary. These tired old knees are not what they were, back when the order started.

The Lord is with thee...

Sign of the cross, a quiet moment of contemplation, kiss the rosary. Back when we were young, when we still had our hopes for the world. Before the insanity began to leak into our heads.

Blessed art thou amongst women...

Sign of the cross, a quiet moment of contemplation, kiss the rosary. I remember as a young initiate I thought that by becoming a Jesuit I could change the world. Knowledge is power, power is knowledge.

Blessed is the fruit of they womb...

Sign of the cross, a quiet moment of contemplation, kiss the rosary. Little did I know that no one has the time to listen to a tired old monk with crooked knees.

Jesus...

Sign of the cross, a quiet moment of contemplation, kiss the rosary. How much longer must I endure this world of coruption?

11:10am: Judism Jew Judaism
Those are the words writen on a little scrap of paper next to me. I have no idea why they're there I just thought that I would write it down for posterity's sake. I wonder how many words I've mispelled by now. I don't know I've been taking a break from writing for a little bit largely due to a review that I got in my creative writing class. Here I have it with me also for posterity's sake.

Choose one or more aspect of the story that you enjoyed: "I enjoyed nothing about this story."

Choose one or more ascpect of this story that you dide not particularly enjoy: "Well, where do I even start? For Starters, it made absolutely no sense to me. Was it intended to be that way? More imporatntly, though, your story was completely offensive. I felt disgusted, literally, when I reached the end of the story. You language was entirely vulgar and grotesque. I find it difficult to take seriously a piece of work that comprises such despicable content, especially regarding the bashing of Christianity."


Mind you and grammatical errors or spelling errors there are all his. I don't know what to think of that reply. At first I thought that it was hilarious. I actually thought of getting it framed. But I don't know it's kind of bothering me today. The story by the way is that "Table for Three" one that I posted a couple of entries back. His is the only review that is like that. No one else wrote anything like his, I think it's largely in part to my calling his story a cliche built on top of another cliche. But I at least told him there were parts of the story that I enjoyed. And I gave him ideas to make it better. All I get is a steaming bowl of hate. Worst part is that now I'm one of these Sigma people turns out he is too, plus he might become an English club member. Not that I want to make it into a selective group or anything I just don't want to deal with him every where I go. I know I shouldn't take this like I am. I'm not mad, I think offended is more like it. I admit that what I write isn't always the most politically correct but to tell me that there was nothing worthwhile in it. That's pushing the line. There I go using a stupid cliche. Well I'm going to go to a Jewish temple for my next class. Maybe I'll cool down while I wear my yamika. That could be fun.

11:36am: Hutzva it's a boy!
I'm not really in the story writing mood right now but I am doing my best to write in this thing on a daily basis again. Damn it! (gets a determined look on his face) I'm at the computers hidden away in the upstairs of the college library right now and I just noticed that one of my professors hung up painting on the wall behind me with little swirls that resemble sperm. I think it's supposed to represent the different people's of the world but it just looks like multi flavored sperm. We have orange, vanilla, lemmon, chocolate, and brown. A regular schmorgus board! That's all that I have to say for today. So there.

12:50pm: Current Esculator
Little Tomy spent much of his time going up and down the esculator. Sometimes three or four times a day. That is until the esculator turned evil...

Like a bad fox reality show little Tomy was no more as he grusomly got sucked into the revolving stairs of... THE ESCULATOR!!

Sorry folks that's all I have for today.

10:10am: Idaho
After a heroic search I finally found the elusive ticket stuffed in the freezer between my frozen peas and giant tub of orange sherbert. "Yes! Now I can make my final wish!" I dash back to where Carl lives and show him the ticket. "Alright buddy prepare for the life altering change that is hidden in this little sheet of paper."

"Oh I'm just waiting with baited breath," I cracked my nuckles and stretched out every limb of my body. Calling forth a magical wishing fairy is something only to be done under the most limber of conditions.

"Oh great and wonderful wishing fairy, please grant me this one wish."

She pops infront of my eyes with that same never stopping smile. "Hello and thank you for choosing Fionas Fabulous Fairies for you wish. Remember one wish can be the begining of a dream life!" Her voice didn't really match the smile of bubbly aura streaming off of her. "I'm Judith and I will be you magical wishing fairy for today. How may I be of service."

"Oh hello Judith, that's a pretty name."

"Thank you."

"Where did you get it?"

"Are you going to make your wish any time soon."

"Oh right right," I completely spaced out what it was that I was going to wish. "I have a coupon you know."

"Oh can I see it quick?" I hand it over to her and she eyes it over very carefully. "Alright so you get one of those make a wish get an adventure kinds of people. Alright then make the wish that will forever change your fate!" then some lightning cracked.

"Don't you think that's a bit over board," she just shrugged. "Okay what was it that I was going to wish for Carl?"

"He wanted to give me the ability to swim and breath in the air."

"Is that what you wanted?"

"Yes, whatever the smart fish said," quicker than you can say cheese sandwich the wish was made true. Carl lifted from the bowl and slowly swam around my head. His wonderful rainbow colors shimmered from purple to red and back again. Now we just needed to find a mode of transportation.

2:47pm: Hoaky Smokeys
Mirrors mirrors everywhere reflecting everything from the tiniest dust particle to my soul. Today is a dirty soul day as I gaze into those lack luster tone deaf eyes. The weather outside mimics my very being. The clouds almost look to tired to hold their postions against the on coming army of gravity. Another day of work lie in waiting for me. Another day of answering the incesant demands of the debilitaitingly aged. "Why do I even wake up any more Carl?" I ask my lovely little beta fish.

"I think it has something to do with the modern economic crisis gripping America due to the loss of jobs to oversees countries," Carl replied to me without some much as a flinch. It's insulting to have a beta fish that knows more about world events then you yourself do. "Next thing you know the Christian Right is going to say that it was a sign from God that America is being evil and must now be punished. That's so ancient Jewish of them to think."

"Where do you come up with this stuff Carl? Do you only watch CNN any more?"

"What the hell else am I supposed to watch. I'm kind of stuck in this little bowl all day," he raised a good point. Carl and I were both prisoners of this failing world. He's stuck in his distilled water bowl and I'm stuck in my monotonus dreary hell hole of a life revolving ever so annoyingly from day to day.

"Let's take a trip. Let's just make like a couple of druggies and blow this joint. What do you say Carl?"

"I'ld be all for it if it weren't for the fact that I'm stuck in this bowl."

"No problem buddy, I'll just ask our magical wishing fairy. I'm sure that my coupon is still good for at least one more wish. Now were did I put it..." I wonder off and begin to dig through all of my old stacks of paper and clothes. That coupon has to be some where.

12:55pm: Oooga da boogada
Here I am again thinking about updating and doing just that... Updating. I'm doing this whole thing up again. Yeppers the whole thing. I need some place to right my stupid rants, stupid stories, and most importantly Easy Cheez. Hell yes. I might make up a story later today but right now I'm just settling for writing a little clip. Later.

12:00pm: The prodical son retruns
Chris Sund
#22

Table for Three?

Here we are patronizing the local diner yet again. My best friend Horatio and I spent every Sunday at our favorite dive. Today felt much the same as every other day felt, normal, well except for the unshaven shaky crack addict sitting at the counter. Usually he just stands outside with his nose pressed against the window watching the two of us while we eat. I call him Stinky.
“Did you notice that Stinky has raised to the level of paying customer today?” I ask Horatio while signaling to the counter with my right hand. The other one is too busy fiddling around with some creamer.
“Yeah I smelled him come in, doesn’t he know that the Y has showers?” he replies with a slight chuckle. We both recline back into the ever-popular American slouch patiently waiting for our chili fries and buffalo wings. “So how has work been?”
“Oh you know, work. How about you?”
“Same o’ same o’,” our conversations never delve very deeply. Either it comes from our lack of interest in the outside world or our constant lack of sleep. Maybe it has something to do with QVC.
“Rain again, it’s been the same rain every day for a week. Don’t get me wrong I love the rain and all but not this much,” I blurt while staring out to the empty parking lot. Business always dies down in Tom’s Diner when the evening rolls around. Do do do do do do do do….
“It’s a hell of a lot better than snow,” oh he got me again. Just when I was about to make a quick reply to my friend I notice in the window’s reflection that Stinky has been intently watching Horatio and myself.
“He’s watching us again.”
“I know I can smell his eyes,” at that moment enraged Stinky shoots up to a standing position on the counter and begins to scream.
“Repent you sinners the time is near!” oh never knew that about Stinky. He’s a crack addicted Bible thumper. Learn something new everyday. “Repent because you’re Lord is coming to bitch slap the wicked!” I never noticed that Stinky could speak without slurring any of his words either; this in itself was quite impressive. “I come to judge you in the name of my Lord JESUS!” with that last line he pulls out a Cougar Magnum .50 and quickly smattered Horatio all across our corner booth.
“Oh no Horatio! Stinky he was my friend! I knew him well Stinky!” an odd kind of crack induced confused look wipes across Stinky’s face.
“That’s not the quote you idiot. Horatio is Hamlet’s friend, Hamlet is talking to him not about him.”
“Damn you’re educated for a crack addicted homeless man.”
“Well it is funny how a person can have a PH.D in literature and still manage to end up on the streets,” I motion for Stinky to take Horatio’s seat. It’s not like he is about to use it or anything. “Yes, indeed drugs can mess up your life, but nothing quite tops walking through a nursing home at three in the morning while you’re on a plethora of drugs that you can neither spell nor pronounce.”
“So what is your name Stinky, if I might pry.”
“Oh you may you may. I’m Reginold Humstucker the Stinktastic. How ironic it is that I should be named Stinktastic and end up being just that, stinky.”
“It’s just a little too ironic.”
“Don’t you think?”
“It’s like rain on your wedding day.”
“Or a free ride though you already paid.”
“It’s some good advice that you just didn’t take.”
“And who would have thought it’ld figure,” he finish up and we laugh. The laughter continues as the awestruck waitress gazes on with her headlight eyes.
“So what is all of this hell fire mumbo jumbo about Stinky?”
“Well it’s kind of funny actually. I became enlightened one night that I was on an odd concoction of heroin, psp, and liquid plumber?”
“Are all of your drains unplugged?”
“So to speak,” he replies with a little smirk at my attempted humor. “Well anyway when I was deep in the trenches of my toxic blend of tea, God came to me in the form of a duck.”
“Why a duck? Why not something cool like a lion or Trogdor the Burninator?”
“I asked the same thing and his only reply was quack. But anyway after our little greetings God told me that I had to go off and spread the message of his coming.”
“So here you are.”
“Yep here I am,” he tells me. We both sip coffee, I sip mine; he sips Horatio’s blood blended coffee. After all the best part of waking up is blood flavored Folder’s in your cup.
“Damn I’ve got a headache,” we heard come from beneath the table. “It feels like someone shot me through the head.” I peer under the booth to find my compatriot alive and mildly perturbed.
“That’s because you were shot through the head man.”
“That doesn’t happen everyday,” he retorts as he once again sits down.
“You owe me a buck you know,” I tell him in a stern voice. Horatio rolls his eye and angrily sighs.
“What is all of this about? I thought that you were dead!” Stinky screams with a crack like power.
“We had a long standing bet on how the world would end, considering that I’m still alive in spite of this GAINT GAPING HOLE IN MY HEAD!”
“I’m sorry about that, I needed some kind of attention getter,” Stinky apologetically replies to my friend.
“Oh it’s no problem I can see how that might be useful. But anyway since I’m still alive that means that we are in the middle of the Christian “END OF DAYS”. There by meaning that I owe this dude some money,” as Horatio kindly handed me the dollar bill.
“Well if he bet on the Christian end of days than which one did you bet on?” Stinky asks with as much genuine interest a crack addict can muster.
“I bet that it would end according to the Mahayana line of thought. I was really doing my best to enlighten the grass; it just wouldn’t listen to me about modern economics. You got lucky this time Elisha!”
“Oh get off it you holier than though Buddhist!” I retort while quickly emphasizing my point with fist thrusts in and out of his giant gaping hole.
“Hey that’s not fair Christian dog!” he wined to me covering up the hole with his hands. “I’m going to tell your mom you know. She’ll have something to say about this.”
“That’s if she’ll even talk to you human vortex,” the still functioning side of his mouth began to twitch a little bit and I thought that I saw some tears begin to roll down his cheek.
“Why are you so mean to me? You know that I’m sensitive about my body.”
“No kidding Elisha you should be ashamed of yourself,” I turn beat red and change my glance to the darkening outside world.
“I’m sorry, I guess, I guess it’s a little bit hard to be nice when you’re still reeling from you friends recent murder.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s okay Stinky, you’re forgiven.”
“Oh I didn’t know that was how you were feeling,” Horatio pulls me close to him and soothes me as best he could. All I can think of is the blood dripping on my Sunday best.
“I miss you Horatio.”
“I miss you too buddy.”
“I’m so sorry that I killed your friend!” Stinky screams. “What kind of a person was he?”
“Oh I was one of the best. If my friend needed something here I was for him. I would borrow him money and always make him laugh!” Horatio belts out with the power of a televangelist.
“We had some of the best times. Like that time that we went snowboarding and I hit a tree.”
“Or that time that I got shot in the head!”
“Boy those were the times weren’t they.”
“Yeah, I miss you buddy.”
“I miss you too,” I tell him with a tear in my eye.
“Oh you guys!” Stinky calls out as he bends across the messy diner table and, he gives us the biggest crack induced hug any of us have ever experienced. “Let me help you burry him, it’s the least that I can do.”
“That’s so kind Stinky, we’ll definitely take you up on that offer,” Hortatio beams at the wonderful helper that God has sent to us.
“Where will we bury him?” I ask the two friends at the table with me.
“We could bury him right here,” Stinky replies to me. “I have some dynamite, we could just bring the diner down around him.”
“Oh that’s a good idea, what do you think Horatio?”
“That does sound pretty good, yeah I think that’s feasible,” he nods and checks around the diner for a good spot to bury himself. “Maybe if I lay down over there. The roof should fall down on my body pretty evenly there.”
We prepare the set rather quickly, a little dynamite here, Horatio there, a little running out of the building, and we light the obscenely long fuse. Let it simmer for about three minutes and shazzam! You have a nice cup of buried friend and dinner stew. Mmmmm tasty.
“Thanks for the help Stinky, it’s much appreciated.”
“Oh no problem, Elisha, one is glad to be of service,” the two of us shake hands and he wanders off in that crack addict way to his next destination. I turn and look upon the steaming pile of rubble and wave good-bye to my friend.
“That was certainly a nice thing to do for me.”
“I know, it’s the least that I could do for my best friend. Lets go get some coffee or something.”
“That’s sounds good, lets try that new joint down on main!” Horatio gleams with a tinge of excitement in his eye. You know friendship is possibly the best thing in the universe. That and Easy Cheez, oh and women. But the third best thing in the universe is definitely friendship. Oh wait what about that cat we got high once! That was really cool. Okay maybe friendship is the forth coolest thing in the world. Definitely the forth.

10:50am: Isn't this kind of odd
I'm back home for the weekend... And well um... I wasn't allowed to come home. So I'm in an odd spot. Oh well I'm sure I'll be ok. Well later all.

9:42pm: IT LIVES!!!!!
Holy Christ in a bucket! I've finally temperarily come out of my writing hiadis (uh.... I think that's the word) to tell you that yes, I'm still alive, and yes cheese still roxors my soxors. I should update this more often and get some more stories written down. I just need to get settled down and get the... Well I need the internet. I still haven't mastered that Neo both places at once thing. But I'm definetly getting there. I should go now before I really say something stupid. Oh, wait I beat myself to it. Curse it all Louis!