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Friday, July 12th, 2002
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12:18 am - Is the soul half asleep or half awake?
HALF AWARE
==========
Dancing in false reality
The faeries of our dreams
A empty hope that brings us up
The shell of a ballon
WHere nothing becomes useful
And nothing is useful
Gliding in broken hopes
Don't leave behind it
These aspirations can be fixed
Though what they have is gone
It can be caught
And put back together
Swimming in expired dreamstuff
A sleep to start all sleeps
Where colours come together
And sounds fall apart
The birthplace of humanity
And deathbed of civilization
Reading: Brave New World
Writing: Nothing
Watching: Exibit A
"I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation..."
- Toto's Africa
The Fallingly Successful
Thoughts and Chaos (Barry)
**my new deadjournal is www.deadjournal.com/users/thoughts_chaos by the way
This will be my last update as foolonthehill
current mood: submissive
current music: Toto - Africa (2 Brave fools | Comment. I dare you...)
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Tuesday, July 9th, 2002
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2:42 pm - An end, a beggining
REQUIEM
=======
Wind blows through upturned leaf
Disturbing the dead as it past
A rattle of nature's bones
The earth feels no greif
For not everything can last
Even the rocks will burst and groan
But sweet music plays
All through out life's course
Creating a beautiful symphony
Melody from the sun's rays
CVreating a gentle force
And spisn the wheel infantly
All the instumenst of creation
Come together in chaos
And leave behind calm
A requim of exiliration
That will always help us
Such the ever healing song
This will be the last post that contains personal content. Any advent reader now knows enough about me. So after this, all it will be is a creation, a quote, my currents and a paradox. Thanks to all my readers. And always take happiness in the fact that you will die someday. Why? Because in that you know you can finally finish the orchestra that is existnce. Good afternoon.
Reading: Orson Scott Card - Red Prophet
Writing: Angelfall part 3
Watching: Mould in my coffee...
"I could care less.
But only if you hit me in the head with a brick.
Many times over."
- Myself
The Greatly Minor
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  happy
current music: Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You (2 Brave fools | Comment. I dare you...)
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Monday, July 8th, 2002
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3:08 am - It's too bad it's too late it's so wrong...
3 AM
====
Too early in the night to think of all night
Too late in the moring to go to bed
A tug of war between sloth and greed
And I am the happless victim
Images flicker by but nothing registers
My sceen is nothing but inane light
Music keeps me in a state of limbo
Not quite awake but not sleeping
Inspiration comes instantly
And is gone just a quick
All ideas seem awesome
All concepts are horribly foolish
Nothing counts and everything is on the line
I am playing with loaded dice against fate
Darkness could swallow me forever
And just as soon spit me out
Thw words I create seem hollow and juvinile
Yet carry oh so serious a message
This time is oblivion
This time is now
Now is forever
WHoa... I need some sleep. Or some wakeness. I have decided to start a web comic. I have spent a great deal of the night drawing. Just making characters and trying to get a set style. LIttellay, my music is oblivion right now. My mind is slowly tuning into misery... **sigh** What I wouldn't give for som escape. Lord have mercy on me. Love seems such a burden now. Every ounce of passion I have presses on my soul's nerve. Mrrgh. WHo reads this inane crap I constantly spew anyways? It sucks. This poem blows. I have no artistic ability. My hair is a mess. My life is a mess. Everything I feel is trivialised or forgotten. I would love to die right now. There is no way out right now. Huddling in the dark, waiting for a dawn that will never come. I HATE LOVE! My family uses it against me, my friends ignore it... I feel like shit. Silverchair and I Mother Earth suck, also. Bought their crappy CD's... 2 good sons out of 30, I swear. Oh fucking great. Now Be Like That is on. Don't even bother cheering me up, readers of this journal. Your flat and shallow encouragement only makes it worse.
"If I could be like that
I would give anything
Just to live on eday in their shoes..."
-Three Doors Down
Shining Darkness
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  nauseated
current music: Goo Goo Dolls - Eyes Wide Open (4 Brave fools | Comment. I dare you...)
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Sunday, July 7th, 2002
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12:27 am - STOLEN SURVEYS!!!
SURVEY 1
========
Current...
Clothes: Jean shorts and kick-ass tshirt
Mood: Relaxed
Music: Our Lady Peace and Gob
Taste: Chips
Hair: The One and Only Barry-frazz
Annoyance: Aching shoulder
Smell: Me
Thing I Ought To Be Doing: Going to bed
Desktop Picture: Green
Favorite Group: Goo Goo Dolls
Book: Beautiy's Release - Anne Rice
Movie In Player: ...wha?
Refreshment: Two hyrogens bonded to a oxygen
Worry: That I will grow old and die
Crush: I don't do crushes
Favorite Celebrity: Johnny Deep
Favorite...
Food: Curry
Drink: Pepsi Twist or Coffee
Color: Green
Shoes: Sandles
Candy: Coffee Crunch
Animal: Cat
TV Show: YuGiOh and Will and Grace
Movie: My Neighbour Totoro
Dance: My own style
Vegetable: Celery
Fruit: Strawberry
Are You...
Understanding: Very
Open-minded: Very
Arrogant: Not at all
Insecure: I used to be...
Interesting: Fuck yeah!
Hungry: A touch
Friendly: Charming, not friendly
Smart: Absolutely
Moody: Urgh. Yaaaasssh.
Childish: Not really
Independent: Quite so
Hard working: No
Organized: I am chaos incarnate
Healthy: Mmhmm
Emotionally Stable: Noooooooo!
Shy: I try, I really do,,,
Difficult: Easy
Attractive: Very. Well, most of the time.
Bored Easily: Hmm...
Thirsty: For what?
Responsible: To whom?
Sad: I try not to be
Happy: Fuck off...
Trusting: Paaaranoia!
Talkative: When you get me going
Original: A touch too...
Different: Twisted, actually.
Unique: They broke the mould. For obvious reasons.
Lonely: Hmm... yes
Who Do You Want To...
Kill: Me, on occasion
Slap: No one
Look Like: Myself... I hope
Be Like: Same as above
Talk To Offline: ...Katarina...
SURVEY 2
========
1. If You Could Build A House Anywhere, Where Would It Be?
Middle of woods.
2. What's Your Favorite Article Of Clothing?
Khaki shorts.
3. Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex?
Hehehe... sorry. Hair. Eyes.
4. What's The Last CD You Bought?
Lots of them. OLP, George Carlin, GOB and Silverchair the notable ones.
5. Where's Your Favorite Place To Be?
Bed. 3 PM.
Or tent at friends part at 2 AM.
6. Where's Your Least Favorite Place To Be?
Anywhere with family.
7. What's Your Favorite Place To Be Massaged?
**evil smile** My shoulder. Or face.
8. What's Most Important? Strong In Mind, Strong In Body?
Mind. All the way.
9. What Time Do You Wake Up In The Morning?
Seven... PM.
10. What's Your Favorite Kitchen Appliance?
Coffee... pot...
11. What Makes You Really Angry?
Idiots and people who forget about/ignore me.
12. If You Could Play Any Instrument, What Would It Be?
Flute or piano.
13. Favorite Color?
Green. Or yellow. So calming...
14. Which Do You Prefer, A Car Or SUV?
Bike.
15. Do You Believe In Afterlife?
Why not? Sure.
16. Favorite Children's Book?
Horton Hatches an Egg
17. What Is Your Favorite Season?
Fall. For it is clean, calm and eteral.
18. What's Your Least Favorite Household Chore?
Dishes. PRUNEHAND!
19. If You Had One Super Power, What Would It Be?
Decorporalness. To not have matter affect you.
20. If You Have A Tattoo, What Is It?
I have no tattoo.
21. Can You Juggle?
I like to think I can.
22. The One Person From Your Past That You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To?
Brittney.
23. What's Your Favorite Day?
Thursday. Day of hope.
24. What's In The Trunk Of Your Car?
A tire.
25. Which Do You Prefer, Sushi Or Hamburger?
Chicken.
"Thats one Fuck Off with a side order of BIte Me"
-My funny dialouge
The Oppesively Leiniant
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Kenna - Hellbent (Comment. I dare you...)
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Saturday, July 6th, 2002
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1:28 pm - Do da de de da do...
FALLEN LOVE
===========
Do you see the sun and how it sets
on what once was a wonderful love
And how the glimmer faeded away
Even before I thought we were done
How the wind itself mourns the death
Of a great romanticy
How I lie here dying in the night
Every so slowly
CHOURSE:
And I don't want you to leave me just yet
The memories are to precious to forget
The fun we had the love we shared
So soon it's gone so quickly scared
My love for you it knew no bounds
Until you gave it one
Once what you took so dearly
Now you coldy shun
And I keep on going over in my mind
What exacly went so wrong
Because what I put so much value in
Ddin't last very long
CHOURSE
I'm falling, falling, from your grace
Please help me, help me regain some face
I feel like, feel like, such a rotton fool
I act like, act like, my heart's fevered tool
CHOURSE
Oh yeah...
Oh no.
Written about 2 weeks ago. I just found it on my hard-drive. Don't worry Katarina, not written with you in mind. Actually, my first anything that doesn't refect an event or part of my life. Hmm... I don't know... Some tough things going on around me I have no control over. At least they aren't horribly affecting me. Got in my CD's from columbia house. Nirvana, Silverchair, George Carlin, Monty Python, Our Lady Peace, I Mother Earth, The Police, Puddle of Mudd, GOB... All good stuff.I really should write some more on that story of mine. G'evening all, and make sure to love life and live love. Well, maybe not... Don't worry, be happy. Naw... Walk gently into that good night. Yeah.
"That's all your house it. Just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get new stuff."
- George Carlin in 'A Place to Keep My Stuff'
Friends in No Places
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  okay
current music: B4-4 - Endlessly (1 Brave fool | Comment. I dare you...)
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Saturday, June 29th, 2002
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11:40 pm - Lean on me...
I can't write tonight. I am feeling very angsty. My life seems wrong. Some want success, fame and recognition. All I want is control of my life. I wish my mom would back off and let me live it myself. I can't wait till I go to college, and start to make my own mistakes. If I could, I would hop the bus and go somewhere. I don't know where, just anyplace but here. I have tried so hard to stay cheery, but I get these suicidal falshes, brought on my mom... it's scary. I just go to the washroom, look at the tub, and contemplate how she would feel if she woke up to see my dead body in there, my lifeblood diluted with water, I would never, but the thought remains. I am going up to my fathers. I love him. He is the only person I love who has never hurt me with anger or cruelty. His ignorance and blindnes used to rip my heart apart, but he is my dad.
My cousin, Christopher, who has been my truest frined since we were 3, moves in a couple of days from Hazelton to Houston. We have always been best friends type thing. We grew up together. And now he leaves... he leaving behind a girl he loves. He thinks he loves. He is shallow, and can't tell if it is. Oh well... he needs to grow up. He has never been hurt, and now he has to go through a bit of pain.
I need a anchor in life. Someone to hold, someone to just be my emotional support.... I am rambling. I have that to a point. Gone... I am. Need to lay off the music. Or take a breather. God, I love the Sleeping Beauty series. So... scarily erotic. It makes me perverse. The party was strange. People listen when I sing, I realize. Ugh... not feeling to great. Best stop typing. My line for the night (made by me):
Give me something to die for
So that I can justify
The means of my end.
"Please help me I'm bent,
I'm so scared that I'll never,
Be put back together..."
-Bent by Matchbox 20
Falling up
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood: sick
current music: Poe - Spanish Doll (1 Brave fool | Comment. I dare you...)
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2:52 am - Hrrm...
CHOICE GONE
===========
Don't try to look away
And pretend that for a second
You didn't feel it
That buring sensation
In you gut
And that flash of dreams
Never quite understood
Go ahead look away
And go back to that happy goof
And forget you heard my voice
That for a moment
You wanted something
He could never give you
Kiss him touch him and love
Drown the flash with passion of your own
And try to forget the dish
So tantalizing offered to you
And so quickly refused
You know you waaaaaant it.
"To hope is human
To succedd is animal."
-Myself
Wickely Lame
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  crazy
current music: Our Lady Peace - Innocent (Comment. I dare you...)
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Thursday, June 27th, 2002
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4:36 pm - Empty yet Full...
HAUNTED SLEEP
=============
The night
Whispers quietly
In my resting ear
Telling of the wonders
Commited 'neath the stars
And of the dangers
That lurk outside
The river
Beckons softly
To my sleeping soul
Calling me down
To it's running waters
Only to take
My mortal being
The moon
Rhymes softly
At my aching heart
Soothing my hurt
And helping my spirit
Lifting me up
And calming me down
The fire
Laughs silently
By my slumbering body
Teasing my hair
And caclking at my misfortune
Riling my anger
But making me think
I
Dream lighly
Within my twisted reality
Pondering on life
Breaking my heart
Fixing my soul
Paining my body
Healing my mind
God... I try to be optimistic, but just can't manage it. Parties always do this to me. I don't know how much I put into psionics, but I feel as if I am a node of emotions, and it seems that everyone comes and feats off my happiness, leaving me empty or sad. Water, I discoeverd, does not like humans. As if the only element that cares about humanity is Earth. Fire is the beast, trying to destroy it's ungrateful keeper, wind is the assasin, attacking for it is the only thing it knows how to do, and water the master, always attempting to bring about calm, order. And humans are chaos incarnate. Sometimes it is beautiful, like a beast lulled into musical sleep. Weird weird weird.
I don't feel lonely, just torn. I have very little control of where life will take me now, and it is not a nice feeling. Maybe I am not as wonderful as sometimes others see me. Yes, I am extrovertive, but I am depressive also. I will lie down and just stare off into the flow of nothingness that is life... and others will be upset, as if they share a segment of reality with a totally alien species. Maybe I am not human. It would be wonderful if I was not. I don't act at all like other male adolecents, and for that fact like any normal person. Maybe that is what makes me so myself.
"A tired song keeps playing
On a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name"
Goo Goo Dolls - Name
The Fallingly Sucessful
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  drained
current music: Alison Krauss - Down To The River To Pray (2 Brave fools | Comment. I dare you...)
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Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
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10:18 am - Disregard, 'casue I'm in a Mood.
QUESTIONS
=========
Why should I count the ways I love you
While I know that I do
Why should I put my love to a test
When I know it's oh so true
When would be the right time to tell you
That I will love you forever
When should I hold you so close to me
'cause I'm better when we're together
Where is the best place to love you
For my love goes all over earth
Where do you want me in your life
Because I live to give your mirth
Who should you lean on when I'm gone
Though I'll never leave your side
Who will replace me while I'm absent
Over on that darker side
What lenghts would I go soley for your sake
Just to see you ever joyful
What would you ever have to do for me
When your presence give me my cup full
I don't know. Late night caustic leakage of the brain... I don't feel so great. It's too early in the eve, the green mother takes into mourning, and it seems everything has been washed over with gray. I don't know why I bother, really. On a lookback, I need to look at why I love so much lately. Am I trying to fix the pain in my heart? And worse of all, I hurt those I love. My family, anyone I love tends to be burnt by my passion.... I don't love too much. You never can. It's just I am hurting people. I should live out my life on a dune, looking over all the splendor and never injuring anyone's soul mut my own. Love... love... love. Weird word, one unto which I have become all to familiar in the past while. I don't like this poem. It's too.. aggresive. Not like me at all. G'morning all, and never believe that no one loves you. Someone does, always.
"And so the earth drew one last breath
And died a warful flaming death"
Run away, close your eyes, and plug you ears
FoolOnTheHill (Barry, for what I am worth)
current mood:  groggy
current music: Proclaimers - 500 Miles (1 Brave fool | Comment. I dare you...)
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Tuesday, June 25th, 2002
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3:01 pm - La... la? La!
STOLEN SURVEY
===============
\\Right Now//
What Color Pants Are You Wearing?: Blueish..
What Song Are You Listening To?: Goo Goo Dolls - NAme (I am crying...)
What Taste Is In Your Mouth?: French VAnnila Cappachino
What's The Weather Like?: Cold and Grey
How Are You?: Shitty...
\\Do you..//
Get Motion Sickness?: Only if put into a gyroscope spinning at 4500 RPM and thrown down into a chasm of semiliquid air
Have A Bad Habit?: A few...
Get Along With Your Parents?: Usually
Like To Drive?: Only people. (Preferably crazy...)
Type With Fingers On The Right Keys?: More like typw howere I feel like it...
Drink?: Coooooooffffffffeeeeeee!
Smoke?: Only if I catch fire
Any Other Drugs?: Caffine
Wear Contacts?: No... 20-20
Have Any Siblings?: Arrg yes/
Their Ages?: 11...
\\Favorites//
Relative: My cousin's dad's sister's oldest male child.
TV Show: YuGiOh and Samuri Pizza Cats
Shampoo: Soap
Commercial: Mellow Yellow
Book: Ender's Game and A Clockwork Orange
Magazine: Psychology Today
Non-Alcoholic Drink: Wild Cherry Pepsi
Alcoholic Drink: Uhh... White Russian
Thing To Do On The Weekend: Sleep.
Band Or Group: Born into Kaos, Goo Goo Dolls, and soulDecision
Singer: David Usher and Enrique Iglesias
Movie: Joe the King
Food: Pastrami and Harvardi Cheese
School: Oak View Middle School
Clothes: Loose Fit Jeans, Weird Shirts, Baggy Undies
Boy Name: Nathaniel
Girl Name: Dignity
Hangout: My room...
Restaurant: Denny's (All nite long!)
Feeling: Love...
Ice-Cream Flavor: Chocolate
Vacation Place: Northern Florida and Scotland
Sport: Soccer, Rugger and Ja-lai
Music: Everything
Store: Coles and Zellars
Dog Breed: Chow-Chow
Cat Breed: Whatever my cat is...
Bird Breed: Chicken
Fish Breed: Salmon
Day Of The Year: Fall Equinox
\\Have You...//
Fell Asleep In The Bath: ...yes.
Fell Asleep While Eating: ...no.
Fell Asleep While Driving: No.
Driven A Car: Yes.
Ever Met Someone Famous: Ugh yes
Wanted To Die: A touch too much...
Been On A Plane: Yes.
Went Swimming In The Ocean: Hated it, but yes.
Been In A School Play: Hehehe... accidently.
Cried In Public: Well, been on the verge
Let A Friend Cry On Your Shoulder: Excuse me while I wring out my shirt....
Gone To Church: Only to be exorcised
Read The Bible: Twice all the way through
Gone Fishing?: Once...
Eaten Caviar: No.
Seen Someone Die: Well, everything DIES. Just look around. Someone is dying right now
\\Love//
Boyfriend?: ...
Sexual Orientation?: Sadly, heterosexual.
Virgin? Thank god yes.
Children?: Sooner or later, for the better of the human race.
Current Crush?: I hate the word crush. Either I love someone or nothing.
Been In Love?:Too... many... times.
Had A Hard Time Getting Over?: ...wah.
Too Shy?: Talking to the wrong person.
Been Hurt?: Noooooo. Surely you jest? ME, hurt?
Have You Ever Said "I LOVE YOU" And Meant It?: Every time I say it.
Cheaters On Someone?: Never.
Gone Out With Someone You Only Knew For Three Days?: Fell in love with someone I knew for 6 hours, does that count?
Had An Online Relationship?: ...yes.
\\Medical//
Fracture History: No.
Operation History: No.
Allergies: Idiots. Really, I am not kidding.
Had Stitches: Knee and eyebrow.
Cavities: Many times.
Phobias: None. Well... to be ignored.
\\Pets//
Current Pets: Evil Incarnate Feline
Most Unusual Pets You've Had: Human
Best Current Pet: See above.
Have You Ever Shaved Your Cat?: No...
\\Random//
Rollercoasters -Deadly Or Exciting?: Exciting.
What Is Your Most Prized And Important Possession?: Me.
When You Wake Up, You: Die. Haven't woke up yet...
Your Mouse Pad Has On It: It's a book.
What Is On The Walls In Your Room?: Paint.
What Do You Wear To Bed?: Nothing (Too much information...).
Vegetarian? Hell no.
Thinking Of Right Now?: Katie... well, actually me, but the question whmummped my frame of mind.
What Do You Do That Really Pisses Off Your Friends?: Exist. Nothing that I know of...
Do You Have A Job?: ...yes.
Your CD Player Has In It Right Now: CD player?
After School/Work You: I never stop working, but I bike home.
If You Were A Crayon, What Color Would You Be?: Forest green.
Makes You Happy?: Someone's smile...
What's The Next CD You're Gonna Get?: Me? CD's? M P 3!
Who Do You Consider Good Friends?: Mellisa, Kassi, Justin... uh....
What Do You Like To Do?: Live, love, write and read. I don't know... many things.
\\When/What was the last...//
Time You Cried?: 10 minutes ago.
You Got A Real Letter?: 3 days ago.
You Got E-Mail?: Yesterday.
Thing You Purchased?: Wild Cherry Pepsi
TV Program You Watched?: Ready to Rumble (Movie)
Movie You Saw At The Theater?: ...Hollow Man.
Time You Were Grounded?: A week ago.
Words You Said?: "I love you Mom. Drive safely."
Words You Typed?: Look up, fool.
Phone Number You Called?: Pizza Hut.
Person You Talked To On The Phone?: Dorky receptionist.
\\Which is better?//
Mud Wrestling Or Jello Wrestling: Jello, as long as everyone has bathed.
Oranges Or Lemons: Oranges.
Dolphins Or Horses: You can eat horses...
Leonardo DiCaprio Or Freddie Prinze Jr.: DiCaprio. I was once compared to him...
Love Or Lopez? ...what?
Spice Girls Or All Saints: Spice Girls, I suppose...
Beverly Hills 90210 Or Dawson's Creek: Neither.
7th Heaven Or Party Of Five: Neither.
Diet Pepsi Or Pepsi One: Wild Cherry Pepsi.
Brandy Or Monica: Neither.
Chocolates Or Flowers: Chocolate FLowers. (Sorry, had to steal it...)
Vanilla Or Chocolate: Chocolate
Black Or White: Mauve! (Black)
Rain, Sun, Or Snow: Rain.
\\Your thoughts on...//
Eating Disorders: Yeah... I should cut back on the gallon of coffee every three days...
PMS: A fact of life.
Marilyn Manson: Good music sometimes.
Guy Bands: I can sing again!
Spice Girls: Hmm?
Premarital Sex: As long as I love the person.
Titanic: Good Hollywood movie fodder.
Jerry Springer: I like Ricki Lake better.
Suicide: Only if I have a life insurace policy that covers it.
Self-Mutilation: hWhat sort?
South Park: Lame.
Dreams: This is your thoughts. This is you thoughs on... DREAMS!
FALLEN LOVE
===========
Do you see the sun and how it sets
on what once was a wonderful love
And how the glimmer faeded away
Even before I thought we were done
How the wind itself mourns the death
Of a great romanticy
How I lie here dying in the night
Every so slowly
CHOURSE:
And I don't want you to leave me just yet
The memories are to precious to forget
The fun we had the love we shared
So soon it's gone so quickly scared
My love for you it knew no bounds
Until you gave it one
Once what you took so dearly
Now you coldy shun
And I keep on going over in my mind
What exacly went so wrong
Because what I put so much value in
Ddin't last very long
CHOURSE
I'm falling, falling, from your grace
Please help me, help me regain some face
I feel like, feel like, such a rotton fool
I act like, act like, my heart's fevered tool
CHOURSE
Oh yeah...
Oh no.
Another stolen survey... I feel horrible right now.
Katherine, I LOVE YOU! Arrrgh... I am sorry..
"Animals and children tell the truth they never lie,
Which one is more human? There's a thought now you decide..."
The Flippanly Serious
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  mellow
current music: soulDecision - No One Does It Better (Comment. I dare you...)
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Sunday, June 23rd, 2002
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9:28 pm - Me: Part 2
This is part two of me. This update is about me. And music. And some apologies at the end. Oh, how I love music. Next to nature, it's my life. I will state the song , how it makes me feel and my guess why.
Goo Goo Dolls - Name: I think I am with many on this. It fills me with unhappy contentment. This is last day of school type song. Even without hearing the lyrics, it is a lovely song. IT is about frinedship in a way, and the end of it. I belive the best word for it would be mechaloy. It's upsetting, but in a good way. It reminds me of the morning after Kassi's party, sitting on the dock with 'Lis, Justin and Lance. I felt, and maybe the others did to, that things were changing way too fast, and nothing would be the same after this year.
Three Doors Down - Be Like That: I know what this song is about, and the feeling is undescibable. Remeber the pop commercial, with the friends coming home from a concert on the SkyTrain? This is that commercial. The lyrics have only the feeling of longing to do with this song. I don't know why... this song has a weird effect on me...
Wave - Think it Over: Yet another I don't know why. Like some of my friendships, I guess. The worry of leaving, of happiness of another at your expence, a topic I deal with almost daily. I will be blunt. It makes me sad. It makes me cry... why? See above. Some music I relate with way too much.
Born into Kaos - Night after Night: Because I have done this or have had this done to me? More on the evening misery level. The lasting through till dawn, even if it seems impossible. Daily upset type thing. Hits me like a twisted combo of the above three. Echoes across my soul, and stirs unpleasent memories, like a rock thrown into a sewer pond. Becasue I have to remeber falling...
Other Songs I Love:
Three Doors Down - Story of a Girl
Wave - California
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
Born into Kaos - Understanding
SoulDecision - Gravity
LFO - Every Other Time
U2 - Beautiful Day
OTown - All or Nothing
Backstreet Boys - Show Me The Meaning...
Creed - My Sacrifice
Everclear - Wonderful
Blink 182 - Adam's Song
Neve - Skyfall
And the list goes on...
That would be part two. My apologies? To the people I love and the people I forget... And not that many of my loved ones make me feel that bad. Not one of them do. Without even one of them, I might be dead, or worse, broken. G'night all, and let your dreams be your guide and your hopes be your guardians. **sigh**
"Long live the rebellion!"
-Famous last Words
Fallen from Grace, Risen from Sin
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  moody
current music: Everclear - Wonderful (1 Brave fool | Comment. I dare you...)
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Saturday, June 22nd, 2002
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11:54 pm - **sigh**
'k. No writing, or not much. I will descibe how I feel, and just how I am. I am weird, and different. My writing has been ridiculed and praised. My heart broken and refixed a thousand times over. I love 5 people in the world right now. Just 5. And all I want the to be is happy. But my happiness is ruined by at least two of the people I love, and two others are not helping much.
I want:
My family's pride.
My heart's contentment.
My ear's joy.
My friend's smile.
Someone to be happy to see me.
Someone to love me unconditionally.
Someone to be with me.
Someone to laugh with me.
A friend.
A lover.
A confidant.
A guide.
I love nature. I mean, seriously. No one shares this feeling with me, that I know of. To look into the sky, and fall in love with mother nature. To see beauty, always. To sit in the eve, observe nature and feel that you have something to live for. What makes me weird? Why can others not see this? Oh, the splendor of earth. Even my friends do not see this... why can't I have someone to share this with? Why do I feel so alone? Is there anybody out there that cares? Anybody who is kind? Loving? Caring?
Things seem out of place. Everywhere I look in my life something isn't how I woudl like it to be. Then again, I think of how it would be, and maybe it's wrong. I have tried hard, and done bad things, and done good things that have had bad effects. I have got my just desserts, but it seems I have never been awarded...
I can't go on anymore. I feel terrible. It seems everything I want has been denied of me, and the people whom I love are out to break my heart. MAybe I will continue at a later date... One last thing... no, never mind. Night all. Maybe with luck I will die in my sleep. 'cause I don't have the lack of courage to do it myself. Next update will be about music and me.
"No quotes today..."
Parallel Paradox
FoolOnTheHill
current mood: depressed
current music: Goo Goo Dolls - Name (1 Brave fool | Comment. I dare you...)
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Tuesday, June 18th, 2002
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9:26 pm
S.E.P.
------
Blood on the sidewalk
Moan of pain
Walk by
It's someboy else's problem
Gunshot in the street
Screech of agony
Saunder past
It's somebodyelses rpoblem
Struggle in the alleyway
Cry of rape
Meader afar
It's somebody elses problem
Whoosh in the air
Bellow of pain
Can't run
It's now my problem
Chilly writings. God, I feel like I am in the music video for "Closing Time". It was freaky, leaving those lack-luster halls of acadamia. I feel longing, and a touch of relief. People are strange though. WHat's the big deal with Public Displays of Affection? If the people are happy, the good on them... bloody conservatives... Time to put operation "Charming" into effect. Some people need a dose of reality, and maybe something else. If there is one thing that exceeds my wit, it is my charm. Or at least I think. **voice in head: if there is one thing that exceeds his ego, it's his libido...** Arrgh! I hate the voices. Escpeially the one that speaks only hindu. Joking. I hope. (really, I am.)
"He wasn't called Crazy Baron Haha for nothing..."
-Igor in Theif of Time
The Absurdly Realistic
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
**Woohoo! I'm content!
current mood:  content
current music: Toto - Africa (Comment. I dare you...)
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Thursday, June 13th, 2002
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5:14 pm
CHAPTER 1
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"Ah. The wide open road. Nothing like it. Right? Riiight? You awake?"
Jasper reached over and prodded the happles figure. She muttered a guttural insult, and turned around. Her bleach blonde hair poured down her back, creating the effect of wind through a field. Which, at this point, there was alot of. Southern Alberta streched as far as the human eye could see, if that human eye even wanted to see that much grain. Jasper stared to whine. "'Manda, I'm bored! Please, c'mon, get up. Please?" Yet another curse, this one followed by a counter prod into the skinny torso of Jasper. Jasper gave up waking the slepping beast, and went back to staring out the window unto the praries.
The ramshackle bus, owned and operated by the band Stall Number 5, rocketed down the highway, causing the wheat on the sides of the road to blow about. The Battle of the Bands was less that 3 days ahead, and the group was already running behind. Jasper, skinny white boy, male vocalist and bass gutair, layed his head and tried to sleep on the ugly little cot all of them possesed. How could someone sleep on these slabs, he wondered. Look at Amanda, sleeping like a baby. Kirsten, well, I know why she is passed out... **sigh** Wonder how Jay's doing.
Jay was an anomoly in the group. Unlike the other three, who were pale white and came from broken homes, Jay came from a good chinese family, never did drugs or drank, and always was pleasent, even if serious at times. He looked out at the world with his chesnut eyes, always calculating and always stoic. Though not attractive, he was pleasent looking and made friends quite easy. "Hey, Jay, you ruddy bastard, how goes the 1000 kilometers to Sinland?" Jay was silent for a second, and finally said "You know, Jasper, I am from Vancouver. It's no worse than Toronto. Much more beautiful" Jasper grinned slyly. "Yeah, but we're going to The Battle at Lost Paradise, hosted by KT and, most importantly of oh all, catered by KT! Everyone who has ever picked up an instument knows that twas there Original Sin was formed." Jasper snickered away at his little pun. The road streched on...
Started a long story. If I ever finish it, I will be shocked and appauled. Tommorow is the last day of school. I might have figured out why else I have been upset as of late. Tommorow, my family leaves for the Charolletes. And I have the house to myself. Clothing optional. I pray to god there is no party this weekend, for my aunt will never give me permisson. I have to spend my nights up there... Bummer. The other reason I am upset is because not only are my family and I drifting apart, so are my friends and I. Justin is moving (Waaah!), Mellisa is depressed and Kassi is too busy being a lover to be a friend. Mean? Yes. True? Ditto. Evening all, and bike, for it is the goooood way.
"Mortbitui Nolumus Mori (We who are about to die don't want to)"
Barbariously Civil
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  blah
current music: N'sync - Bye Bye Bye (Comment. I dare you...)
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Wednesday, June 12th, 2002
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8:55 pm
MELDY MELODY
------------
It' a beautiful day,
So don't worry, be happy,
And party hard.
I may try to escape,
That rhythm divine,
Still, night after night,
I understand.
I hear you calling,
Right after closing time,
Yet still, in the end,
I must say goodbye to you.
In such that, the middle,
Where I push my words,
I want it that way, always.
Here comes the sun,
No more hanging by a moment,
Don't think it over,
'tis a daydream,
And it must suck to be you,
To live a day in the life,
One summertime in the void.
It's all for you,
So hold me now,
And come down to the river to pray,
My friend.
It is so complicated,
So bye bye bye.
If thoust has not caught on, every clause contains a song title. Just a creative excersize. Fun, fun, fun. Better, today. To a point... Definate point. Lack of privacy,as always. Talking to a friend, and my mother turned on intercom. Velly funny, O Mom. Mrrgh. What I wouldn't give to just get shit-faced. I won't, of curse. I never have got drunk. But a thousand ancestors scream for me to squash all my pain and regret deep down and cover it with soothing alcohol... Meh. I am rambling. I tend to put pain onto other's shoulders. G'night all, and remember to get your parents as far out of your social life as possible, while you still can. My fall from grace, for those interested, reffers to the collapse of my life. My loss of control in my fate. Everything...
Reading: The Last Hero - Terry Pratchett
Writing: Angelfall
Watching: My family fight...
"Fuck me up the ass and call me the human ordeurve."
The Depressingly Optimistic
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood: exhausted
current music: POD - Alive (Comment. I dare you...)
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Tuesday, June 11th, 2002
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5:17 pm
WELCOMING
---------
Hello everyone, and thank you for choosing Hell, the alternative afterlife. We here in Hades believe that you, the damned, should get the most out of your eternal punishment. Right now Azriel, my assistant, is passing out contracts. IF all of you could sign. No ink? Here, try my penknife. Yes, that's it. Congratulations, you are now all officially fallen from grace. If you would step this way?
Please be careful around the pit of brimstone, wouldn't want to go into THERE, now would we? Down Cerberus! Good boy. Don't worry folks; he is all bark and no bite. From this ledge here you have an unrivaled view of the 9 circles. Each one of you will be suffering your own personal damnation in any of those 9 pits. Could everybody line up and state their name and sin?
Excellent. Now, for easier management, I am going to split you up into some basic groups. Male adulters, could you please line up near the miniature guillotine? All rapists please follow Bob and Jimmy. Yes, those would be those strapping demons over there. I am sure you will have much fun with them. Atheists? I guess you people are feeling fairly foolish now, aren't we? Chute 5, please. Gnostics, please follow them. Don't complain! Such is the price of hesitancy.
Fun fun fun. Wow. Recovering from shitty feelings. Not well, but a tad better. I will feel better after a bike... Still, I feel as if my emotions have been trivialized lately. Don't know why, well, I do, but I would rather not say why. Weird how things work, eh? And timing, well, for my timing, I should be shot. But the thing about heartbreak, is that it happens to everyone. Oh well. I hate when school is over, it sucks big time. Meh. Night.
Reading: The Game of Hearts
Writing: ...go away.
Watching: Just for Laughs
"Words are flat and actions speak not."
Revoltingly Attractive
FoolOnTheHill
current mood: apathetic
current music: U2 - Beautiful Day (2 Brave fools | Comment. I dare you...)
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Monday, June 10th, 2002
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3:58 pm
THE RIDE
--------
Cool, cold, calm
Dirty strerility
Waiting for my way out.
Paper in hand
Metaphorical freedom
Ticket to nowhere
Somewhere, anywhere.
Curved wall
Padded reality
Neon glow from heaven
A limbo of lost souls.
Great steel chariot
From depths of pugatory
Doors wide shut
Wait broken tickets torn
Stepping up into darkness.
Warm, hot, chaotic
Clean homliness
Just waiting.
Sounds of sleep echo not
Laying gently
Into that good night.
Passengers warned
No stops, no smoking
Just refrain.
Buzz of engine cuts
Sound of road heals
On my way.
Sleep comes quick
And leaves at same
Warmth of contentment
Is the body half asleep
Or half awake?
Travelling always
Nice to know
I will arrive.
Always.
Jesus. I feel like shit. Never have I felt so alone in this world. I don't know why. OR maybe I do, and my fear will not allow me to see. No-one is feeling cheery at school. Kassi won't tell me her problem, "lis is having cramps, and Justin is bummed out 'cause he is moving. This, I have a feeling, will be the shittiest summer yet... Well, a bright spot. I will have the house all to myself for awhile this week. Party? No. Who would come? Realistically...
Reading: Kampus
Writing: Don't feel like it...
Watching: YuGiOh
"He would be but a comma in the footnotes of history, but that is all yo can say for some people"
-Terry Pratchett
Holy Blaphemizer
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  numb
current music: Third Eye Blind - Semicharmed (3 Brave fools | Comment. I dare you...)
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Thursday, June 6th, 2002
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8:45 pm
IT's amazing, the way things change. I have lived life as is for the last year. In 20 seconds, everything changed. Everything. I feel as if something has been lifted from my soul but placed unto my mind. My thoughs are floating right now... strange how things happen never how you thought they would happen. Something dwelled on for a month can just occur instantly, like John Cleese jumping out of a shurbbery and flashing you while insulting the size of your armpit. Who am I kidding? I have no mood for humor. I belive my existence will be taking a whole new path now... g'night all, and remeber say no to thinking and driving.
"So human an animal"
-Book title
Perpindicular to Reality
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  confused
current music: Three Doors Down - Be Like That (1 Brave fool | Comment. I dare you...)
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Wednesday, June 5th, 2002
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5:17 pm
TURN AWAY
-----------
You look at me with sympathy,
Yet never ask what's amatter with me,
You just go away.
And run back to your happy day.
chourse
Don't bother helping anymore,
I've burnt that bridge and barred that door,
Just leave me here.
'fore I find another fear.
CHORUS:
But before you leave this place,
Just give me one more look at your face,
So I can see the chance I missed.
Just turn away, and leave me...
I'll find my way out of this night,
Though many a beast I'll have to fight,
I'm best left alone.
Stay there in your comfy home.
Don't bother ever looking back,
All you'll see is the darkness, oh so black,
But I've gone too far,
And fell too hard,
And landed crookedly,
I don't think you'll be missing me.
CHORUS
And so my fall from grace is done,
No casualties, 'cept maybe one,
That's me.
A lackluster anomaly.
Good bye, my love...
Don't fear, my love...
I'm gone, my love...
Farwell.
CHORUS
Just turn away, and leave me...
Just turn away, and leave me...
Here.
First song evar, peoples. Other than that little strange interlude, life beats on. I just it would use a smaller stick... G'night all. And Kassi? Steve is really starting to piss me off.
Reading: 1984 - George Orwell
Writing: Angelfall
Watching: My Bellybutton
"If words can't say it, I can prove,
Enought to prove it's all for you..."
-Sister Hazel
The Shallow Philosopher
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood:  rejected
current music: Avril Lavigne - Complicated (Comment. I dare you...)
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Tuesday, June 4th, 2002
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4:42 am
SEPERATION?
------------
Small imp
Of my soul
Travels deep within me.
Look, it hurts. Right?
Don't look at me
And tell me lies
And sooth my pain.
Take it back. Please?
Just go away
And take my mind
And take my soul.
Really. Do I need it?
It flies and leaves
Like everything else
So I am still here.
Damn it. Why smile?
'k. A tad depressing, but it's something. Nothing wow! or any such thing, but I like it.
Reading: Issac Asimov - Short Stories v2
Writing: Nothing...
Watching: YuGiOh
"Twas brillig, and the slithy tves,
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe,
All mimsy were the borogroves,
And the momes rath outgrabe."
- The Jabberwock, Lewis Carroll
The Spiritual Machine
FoolOnTheHill (Barry)
current mood: discontent
current music: Born into Kaos - Night After Night (1 Brave fool | Comment. I dare you...)
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