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[27 Nov 2003|12:56pm] |
"girl you need to cool it with that"
"I am cool..I'm ice cold."
"whatever. Im sending homegirl on you."
"well someday i'll meet a boy."
"you have a million boyfriends."
"no I dont...and boyfriends are not 'a boy'"
"right"
"they always want me to talk...and i dont have much to say anymore. i dont need to be in your face anymore. I struggle. I dont know how to say 'stay' when that's what I really mean."
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| apology |
[21 Nov 2003|01:47pm] |
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I feel bad making plans with my friends who dont do drugs because I always break them for the other plans. I know John Orlow is going to want to leave but its still nice of him to come. And Karen I'm sorry. I'm not breaking our plans...but I threw the money down...and you know how they've got me. I want to think that I'll be a better friend tomorrow when we don't have cocaine.
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[19 Nov 2003|09:31pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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| [ |
music |
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Bright Eyes |
] |
I stood on the curb last night and got in the car of people I'd never met and I let them take me away so I could be someone else to them. I leave tomorrow and when I return there will be a baby...and a decision :)
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[15 Nov 2003|10:59pm] |
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if I just keep pushing with my lungs at some point it will release. The body will be cast off the mind like the old skin of the snake and we will reach our whole potential. The point of the edge where everything reaches fevor pitch and perfect silence. They might say that we should hide behind trees and bushes and not show our faces in pulic because that is disgrace but there is no shame. There is just honesty because its the one thing I can be good at...sincerity. When I think of myself as only a mind i know who I am but when I try to throw the body in i become confused try to factor in your perception but its not the right size. I can't see it and like the last half of the chess game and Im winning, chasing your King around....and I lose it right there. Like my 30,000 miles are up and I need to be smog checked. I dont mean this in a bad way. I mean no disrepect. It is not that I am mean but that Im trying to be honest with myself and you're listening in. I dont think badly of myself I have a lot of self esteem. But there is something in there that is scary some power that lies behind these eyes that stare out at a place where I did not know I was looking, too, one that drives us all to the end of our wits but you are only in it for minutes while I am in it for the whole ride. I dont have any need to pretend the rest all just comes naturally.
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| resurection |
[03 Nov 2003|03:52pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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im in an office no tunes |
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I dont like livejournal much anymore. Seems like the cool kids are never as cool as they want to be. Seems like they just build up this little world thats too easy to tear down. I think my deadjournal is cute. So I guess things have changed. Lots of things have changed.
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[23 Sep 2003|10:24am] |
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dont update anymore...i am dead
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[08 May 2003|02:44pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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Cat Stevens - If You Want To Sing Out Sing Out |
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I look pretty cute today...you want to flirt with me...im going to vomit. He called me wants to hang out she wants to go to twin peaks i want to go both ways. I gotta get the liquor it will go down quicker than lightning when I start. come see me friend...lets stay up all night talking...but I cant tell you about my feelings...this feeling like im sea sick deep inside that I cant remember anymore what happened. Ive forgotten I have them. I live my life the only way i can...c'est une belle fete....its a beautiful party. its all a beautiful party....crepe decorations all hanging down....soaked in the sweat of my nightmare
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| come on canyon |
[07 May 2003|08:47am] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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| [ |
music |
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Bush - Inflatable |
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theres a big hole like the grand canyon there...sometimes I drop in small hadfuls of sand and watch them catch on the breeze. Its too painful to look into so instead I turn away and look at the trees, forging a path around but I dont know if there is any way around...perhaps the only hope is jumping in
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| come online |
[05 May 2003|07:25pm] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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come online and wish me away from here...come online and dont make any promises so that I wont believe in a world that doesnt exist. I cant even write what I think anymore its all just backlogged because it wont let me post my entries....come online and make it alright...
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| falmecno |
[05 May 2003|07:24pm] |
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mood |
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drunk |
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fuck that entry so long it fuckein wont fo im dso founched up i cant typr straight...the man on the cuy bus wanted to fuck me while i pees id the street he was making afaces at me i got offa t his stop and i peed in the street and walked oall the wal back fuck ed up in front of my teach er and alejandro and in front of everyone just a fukcv up
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| a promise is a promise |
[05 May 2003|07:23pm] |
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sometimes the pain is misleading...the scars remain. She almost saw me lose it yesterday...I almost let go...couldn't hang on...i hate the truth...there is nothing i despise more. Do you think she saw through me? Nobody really sees through me. "If it isnt penetration then it isnt worth the kiss" The houses sit on the hill like Tijuana...like you putting your arm around her shoulders and making her feel loved and special and good....like I cant. Like her being proud of you like everyone else...and then there is me...and im not good enough...i cant lead a serious life because im a clown im a joke im a sham. How could I have this loyalty to you that I cant have for anyone else. Its beyond pain its beyond numb its beyond living. There is no rest and you can read my pathetic words or I can hide them but they exist either way and its the existence thats pathetic. When I got the call my stomach sank I could not speak so much worry i had not slept so much caring my heart shrank 3 sizes that day. I am ashamed I ever talked of women so...just exaggerating the problem...a construction that lives in my brain "then theres your girlfriend She opens her legs and gives your life meaning is that what you love her for" all these problems existed...you couldnt take them away without taking me forever. I have to figure out. And like I told him I dont think my life will pan out like the fairy tales and he tried to offer advice and optimism and I remembered that small red eye staring at me and your hand on my leg and you on her and the music screaming in my head for months as i watched you hurt me and yourself and I watched her hurt her and me and i hurt her and i hurt him and he hurt me and weve all been hurt...been hurting each other. Call me at midnight again so we can talk because thats the closest ive come to getting it out....thats the closest ive come to understanding. sex doesnt always equal love love doesnt always equal commitment commitment doesnt always equal security and wed be deluding ourselves to think that things cant be washed away tomorrow. my hands flit nervously around my mouth all the time i run from the words into my bed because i cant take it anymore might just retreat there forever she almost saw through me when she found out how i forget. I forget to take tests and i forget to go to appts and i forget what i dont want to remember and no one has ever made me live with my mistakes no one has ever not given in i have never not gotten what i wanted and so maybe your right in your assessments and your judgments and it gives me Goosebumps when he says my name and stutters and gives me a second chance to turn it in late and fall in love with my writing. Why cant i apply myself like that make something of myself so that nothing else matter i didnt get 1/15 spots....i didnt try....and again hes beat me out, done better, been making me feel small for years, with relationship like girl to man i am small and weak and with relationship like woman to man i am equal and powerful and undeserving. the seconds of life tick by and she loves me and it gives me hope because i try and she says thats good enough...i mean well and maybe thats enough sometimes. the scar on my arm is just three little bumps...someday it will be gone...lack of foresight...take my words and make a song a canto uno.....make the deep bowel song of my pain and your pain all mixed together and swirling around and just like a timeline of spit on the ground it will be absorbed into the cold earth and disappear all too soon.
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| long time no update |
[12 Feb 2003|11:08pm] |
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mood |
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apathetic |
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music |
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Jefferson Airplane-white rabbit |
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tonight I will be an aunt. I feel bad that I feel so bad. Feel embarrassed by myself...but real thoughts....dispicable... unrespectable thoughts of death came to me this morning...and the blood drained from my limbs....well see well see with some patience of whatever I can muster....and your sickening sweet neccessities make me sick. Like oxygen makes me sick....you cant aks alice anything anymore....and I used to care I used to care I used to...used...used...u...
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| optional use |
[09 Jan 2003|10:05am] |
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music |
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I dont have my cds with me |
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want to give up...fall in...dont know why I feel this way...dont want you to give up on me...dont want to feel this way...quietly I try to change but i feel TRAPPED!!! How can I feel good enough when everyone tells me I have to change. If I was good enough they'd want me the way that i am...whatever way that is. I feel sick. Soul sick. I want to lay in bed and not move because it feels too hard to be awake.
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[18 Dec 2002|12:41am] |
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just tears tears and more tears and alone and tears and more alone...I feel so goddamn alone...and I swear im trying not to...trying not to need anyone....but its shitty and I dont know what to do...when im knee deep in bullshit and all I want is you to find me.
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| Elitest Music Assholes |
[18 Dec 2002|12:33am] |
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mood |
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upset but thats just stupid me |
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I dont ever want to be one...the whole idea is stupid the attitude is stupid....so is popping up to say things like "people vanish" I know who thats like...and I hate it...Id rather lie alone on my floor than be this...and besides no one has anything to say to me anyway and im always too afraid to say anything
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| His name is Einstein |
[18 Dec 2002|12:24am] |
I went out into the world
to find my destiny
and I found the tiny pieces
I knew were myself
but now that I have them in my hand
I dont know how to piece them together
I find that the love runs deep in me
and I cant pretend its not there
that I need to love
even an old stump
and i will just have to take
the criticism....
but I dont know how
there are two sides to every story
and mine
two stories and no one will ever see
more than one
if any
and speaking is so pointless
because nothing is said
no point got across
his sneezes break my heart
and I yearn for this
have always needed this
and I have only taken
the first step
on an endless journey
and all there is
is pain
and heartbreak
and criticism
and worst of all
silence
because no one knows
just quite what to say
to me
so I cover it up
with laughter and stupidity
like I always do
and I cry at midnight
in a dark room
my heart breaking off
one piece at a time.
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| I feel bad about last night |
[16 Dec 2002|08:38am] |
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yep I feel bad...it was really uncalled for...really uncalled for
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| tonights the pie and crackers |
[12 Dec 2002|07:12pm] |
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mood |
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busy |
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music |
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Radiohead:How To Dissapear Completely |
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the last meal...but im looking forward to saying goodbye to this room, to this computer. And the funniest part is it feels the most like home when its empty. Maybe I'll stay the first semester of my sophmore year until I can transfer...I just feel like the world's against me...no I feel like Im against myself....some mistakes you cant take back. Sigh. Well i guess this is the last note before I sign off...Ive come up here and become more self contious, more anxious, more exasperated. But its all very different. I just feel like disgusting goop...and im almost afraid those arms wont do the trick...like im just too disgusting for that. And yes I am talking to myself and listening to that Neutral Milk Hotel song AGAIN but I swear it just comes on by itself when im on here. Well goodbye for this month...goodbye
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| im sorry karen |
[08 Dec 2002|10:46pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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one line drawing:april |
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im sorry you dont like these...but this is the only place I can write what I really really really think...and how much it hurts to want something....so stupid....and never get it...and try to hide away....but it finds you...this feeling of disgust and loneliness...somewhere between....somewhere....somewhere....but im not learning any balance....im just feeling ugly and disgusting and whats to say im not that gross...absolutely nothing
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| Why I hate urban outfitters |
[07 Dec 2002|07:25pm] |
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mood |
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sick |
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music |
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Rolling Stones:Paint It Black |
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and this is dead. and i hope no one reads it...I will record my thoughts secretly. Going to urban outfitters makes me feel so bad. And going with Marya just makes it worse cause shes so small and shes so cute and everything looks good on her...and me...im bloated and my stomach is killing me and rumbling and ulcerous. What if I lead a double life? The pain is just an excuse a cover up...IM FAT! and I go to the gym but I cnat do it right...im tired...tired of being so goddamn disgusting of my goddamn love handles and why should i get a tattoo when it will look so bad. WHy should I get new clothes when they'll look bad. Everyone else looks so much better than me...and theres no place for me. I just dont belong. its a waste of money and a waste of time and I just want to start the new year off right...helping the animals...but maybe buying speed would be a better decision...and after Im skinny theres always rehab...I just dont know what is wrong with me that I cant change it...cant work hard enough to make progress...its all I want........all i want....and I am so unhappy...and tha valium was a bad idea. Well thats just nothing new.
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