LiveJournal for Quelqu'un que vous avez connu. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. Missed some entries? Then simply jump to the next day.

, ,

Subject: the tides of evergreens and retail work...I stab the keyboard. Time: November 18th 2008 23 47 pm Mood: depressed. Music: "Dragostea Din Tei" -- per Jez..

How do I go back? Do I have a fresh perspective, or is this old skin hanging off my neck? Do I carry it around like a vagrant carries his belongings, searching for work...for shelter? My heart lies across the windy night river, where you can see all the German art-deco buildings, flooded with light. But me memory is drifting off somewhere else. I thought I missed concerts, but now I don't even know if it's that big of a deal. I feel like a stranger to my home, and a guest to the host. I've definitely opened myself to a host of new things here. Songs that struck such emotion in me before now fill me with alien feelings. Perhaps I need a new soundtrack. I've been ignoring all the old; but today, I reminisced on what was just four months ago. I can hardly believe it's me. I see a girl who smoked almost everyday, drove on empty freeways at night with the wind blowing in her hair, I remember Jessica's house, I remember Mark and the nights at the gay club, driving to Deltona, I recall snorting coke and smoking many cigarettes right after with Vikes. I see a girl pinned under a dude who was way too skinny -- hip bones jutting out, piercing my sides. I see a girl who was respected in a department, yet who was slipping out of it at the same time. I see her walking alone on a cold night to an empty parking garage. I see a girl who would do anything just to see him; who drove out every Wednesday at midnight after a long studio session just to hear jazz music, funk music -- in Downtown, nearby, or even behind a barricade for three hours. Many people who she didn't even know would come up to her or message her saying, "I remember seeing you at that show...or I recognize you..." Who was that girl? My God, I haven't even heard a lick of real jazz since I left. I almost want to cry...I don't really want to come back. I much rather forget about Florida for awhile...I thought I didn't miss much of anything...but I heard your song again today, and I realize that I really do miss you. I know that it will be overwhelming when I see you again...it doesn't feel too much like that now, but I know the moment I see your face again, I'm going to give way. And what about Justice? I'm not sure what I got myself into. It feels so unreal...not in a bad way. But more in a way that I stepped into a fantasy...and now facts and reality are settling in, making me so insecure and nervous about the whole thing. I don't know why I don't think sometimes before I get myself into things that are not the best for me. It was just so good...I just liked him too much, he was/is everything that I admire in a person, and now I'm singing the line "I thought I was above you; I hate that I love you" in arbitrary refrain. I have my doubts...I'm really distrustful, stressed. It's crushing, under this weight. Maybe it's time to admit that I'm the kind that likes the chase and who wants to be chased. But I give in...you're just going to stand there, aren't you? You're too much of a coward, probably, to take action. We're destined to stay miserable. It's what makes us artists.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: get the fuck away from me. Time: November 18th 2008 1 32 am Mood: irate. Music: "Silent Wars" -- Arch Enemy.

FUCK OFF. Leave me with my music, your body, a host of dried-up dreams and moist bones. But you won't sink your teeth into me, my flesh is out of your reach. I'll harm my insides just so can't breach.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: independence. rattling loose. Time: November 8th 2008 1 40 am Mood: cynical. Music: "paranoid android" -- radiohead..

I don't know if I want to be with Justice anymore. Though it makes me sad to think about breaking the dream...ending the possibilities, I feel that there is just too much drama involved...it really does make me sad to think that I might see him at shows, with his wife, and I know it will just make me internally hostile. Though I love violence and seething, it consumes too much of me that makes me incapable of functioning. And he was so perfect for me... I shouldn't be with anybody. In fact, I don't think I can be with anybody. I don't want anyone to touch me. And they couldn't, anyway. Even the heartless have enough in them to enjoy the sadness of falling rain... the mad beauty of "Paranoid Android." There is music...there is something which calls me, something immaterial. Something unconditional in this world, that yet, still thrives off conditions -- the cause and effect of your lips to the reed, your hands to the string. A production of science made through you, a scientific phenomenon. "lol" is a lie. I can't feel bad. you'll eventually get over me. i'm not the be-all and end-all. go fuck, go drink, take initiative. I'm not your crutch. I can't be anymore. Moments of transformation like this always happen to me. "something" always happens -- I'm in rapture, I'm in love, I'm in enlightenment -- and shortly after I'm in decline, I'm suspicious I'm abhorrent against others, wanting to scrub the slough of society off the pumice stone of reason and emotional intelligence. I'm too intense for you. You could not cradle a boiling vat. Do you even know what's happening around you? In your own house? In the mind of the person that sleeps next to you with her heart breaking? All you care about is skin and vinyl and blood and sex. Why, all of a sudden, do I distrust you so much? Distrust everyone?

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: "you know what...you suck!" Time: October 31st 2008 4 33 am Mood: aggravated. Music: "kill the king" -- megadeth.

One of the reasons I love Dave Mustaine is that he gets shit done. He envisions something, knows what he wants, and MAKES IT HAPPEN. That's how I try to be. Unfortunately, others just want the sellout option...what is generally appealing, not placing value on any of the process. Those that KNOW appreciate the real shit. The guy has his own coffee for fuck's sake. Also, I just noticed that Megadeth rarely use curse words in their lyrics. They don't need to -- they still pack in all the agression, all the intelligence without having to use profanity. Nor do they really promote violence, drugs, or alcohol (well, maybe kicking the habit)...they're just all out KICK-ASS. I think my next tattoos are going to a Megadeth-inspired one, an Enigma-inspired one, and a Jose Rizal portrait (black and white). It's goodbye and hello in just a couple of weeks. It almost brings me to tears, this song. Totally a shift from Megadeth, but I heard this old favorite in the restroom of the Blues Room (Shanghai) tonight: This is our last goodbye I hate to feel the love between us die But it's over Just hear this and then i'll go You gave me more to live for More than you'll ever know This is our last embrace Must I dream and always see your face Why can't we overcome this wall Well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all Kiss me, please kiss me But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation You know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye Did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,' And did you rush to the phone to call Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind Saying maybe you didn't know *her at all You didn't know her at all, oh, you didn't know Well, the bells out in the church tower chime Burning clues into this heart of mine Thinking so hard on *his soft eyes and the memories Offer signs that it's over... it's over Even though it's really sad, I fear this is what has to happen. I realize more and more that I'm a lone incendiary; a soldier of fortune. Apathy repels me. There is too much of a swell of passion; I thought you understood, but it's becoming apparent to me that you have no clue. And maybe you're right, I have to remind you of who you are at times; but why do you seek only fashion? There is so much more to the flesh and the blood then you seem to know with just a blade. You are a first-timer. I've been doing this since I was twelve. It's like you want to surpass me; I don't seek your pity, but your understanding. Now you think you know me, know what I am because of what I have done. But you have no idea. There is a pain inscribed inside each life, but don't you dare come near mine. I'm cutting, I'm a swathe, I'm telling you that something is wrong...and all you can do is just say you like the sight of my blood? Well, that's great, but can't you pay more attention to the underlying problem? You aren't fixing anything and I fear knowing you is starting to wear down on my conscience. Yes, it's one thing to get things done, but you are acting selfish. You don't want to compromise, and yes, it is your fault. I can't be bothered to deal with this in the future; I live my own life, and if you don't want to make ends meet, then I'll shrug you off -- don't think I won't. I can be merciless if I have to be. I'm not speaking about what you might be thinking of; I'm talking about how you don't even want to go to bed with her, how you can't even bring yourself down for one fucking moment to spend time with her parents while they are there. That's rude. What the fuck must they think of you? You say, "I have better things to do..." but the truth is, you don't. You must make time. You are so lucky you have someone like her, and even if you might be the 'one' for me, I am starting to feel 'less right' about maintaining our correspondence. Man, you have no idea that I'm mad at you and you probably won't for awhile. That's how oblivious you are and it's driving me a bit mad.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: ...from the dregs... Time: October 5th 2008 21 52 pm Mood: powerful. Music: マキシマムザホルモン.

I want to be the bridge between the feminine and the alternative. I feel myself getting prettier and uglier at the same time. I feel more...interesting...more "hen you yisi." I like drinking more liquor, being more open, and even loving hating the next day, which i completely waste due to lack of energy. And there is a certain art to throwing up. Some don't and will never understand...this feeling of empowerment. Everything is magical and material all at once... and if it all comes together and works out, it's going to be epic. I can't wait to be a size 8 and 140 pounds. I can't wait for Justice's arms to be around me. I can't wait for people to stare at me on the streets, at concerts. Here in Shanghai, people look at me in the subway, in stores -- and I just openly stare back. I'm unafraid and proud. Scarfication, more tats, more piercings...I'm on my way to fork out the underlying image of destruction that I seek to display. I can't wait to get satisfactory grades, fuck over school, and embody the art of self-expression. I want to be fluent in the movements of Wushu. I want to do more drugs, hang out more with Jez. I want it to be understood that I am an independent force that believes in justice, yet defends mercy for all. I am not one to toy with. I am not a fad, not a mere fixation, not something that can be labelled, not even non-conformist. I am intelligent, though scatterbrained. A mess with no common sense, just the inclinations of a strong passion. Yet the journey there...it will be worth it. I am not a different person. This is just new skin. Becoming who I was always destined to be. "There is not one teacher who can teach us something new; but who can only teach us what we've always known." And many Wednesdays have passed, and hardly have I thought about you. You can go on, lay waste to those who love you as you bring them closer only to ensnarl them in your personal fears that prevent you from making the choices you want to make.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: It's pretty much a dream come true... Time: September 6th 2008 19 07 pm Mood: sick. Music: my stomach rumbling.

"Dreams really can come true." Maybe. But it's hard to attain them. I can't believe that this is happening...that someone like you likes someone like me. I don't know if I can be with you...I like you way to much. I just...can't fathom it. You are everything that I want in a person. Wow, you are talented in so many ways, caring, kind, "twisted", METAL, a musician, a stunt performer who has studied martial arts...not to mention, GORGEOUS. Now THAT'S a power couple. It's just too good to be true. And yet...I've been in this situation before...but I was on the other side. You, like me, don't want anyone to get hurt. But I am not going to be a beggar like she was. This morning and in my REM state, my heart felt like exploding and just professing my love for you to the entire world. I'm scared. You're scared. I don't want to get hurt, and I almost think it's better if I back away...and just let you do what you have/want to do. I don't want her to get hurt either, because I know how it feels. But maybe if I understood more about love back then, I would have been okay with letting go because who am I to stop the course of destiny and true love? I am glad that I did let go though (eventually), otherwise I might have never met you...When I first saw you four months ago, I　I never in this life imagined that things would end up the way it is now. I do remember not being able to take my eyes of you and you looking at me...maybe thinking, "holy shit...that chick is moshing her ass off!" Now, we talk everyday, think about each other all the time... If anything happens, Victor will be the first person I will tell, because he was there with me when I first met Justice. He was the person that I told, "that guy looks really badass!" I'm pretty much done aching over someone who doesn't or prohibits himself from requiting my love (Bobby). I was so hurt over that...now, there's someone who makes me happy and how I make happy and he says "there's not much I wouldn't do for you..." I would do anything for Bobby, but he just gave me really mixed signals and I waited for a long time...and it was so weird before I left. I miss his voice, but I don't think about him as more than a great teacher and a wonderful friend. It's funny how Bobby and Justice are both Virgos and both drink a lot, but Justice really makes me feel wonderful, and not like some kind of "side object" that can be taken for granted. I'm so nerdy. I can't believe Justice even has an interest in me. He's 37 today! Yes, I know what you're going to say...but it really doesn't matter to me -- the age. And it doesn't matter to him. I really care about him. I just fear that I might be too corny or childlike for him...I just prefer to be me. I hope that he can accept that...plus, I don't really look good in gothic looking clothes (anymore). I'm too much of a picky person. But I know this feeling in my heart...It might be too soon, but I think he is the person I want to share my world and heart with. Oh my god, it's kind of scary to think about that. I was never fully content with my past relationships, but Justice is someone that I would be so proud to show off; I mean, I talk about him everyday to anyone. I like every single thing about him, well, so far. He's open and honest and he doesn't treat me like a lust object. I think that if anything sexual happened between us, it would be even more intense just because we care so much about each other. It would transcend sex. He understands my passions and admires them. We are both two good people stuck in strange positions, but we are linked...maybe nothing will happen, but regardless, I know that I am going to see him in a couple months no matter what (Orlando is a smaller city than you think), and there will be some chemistry in the air. As he said: I cut, he drinks. Two souls bent on self-destruction could maybe construct something beautiful together... I must read my history textbook...I might be bedridden tonight...NO! I want to go out tonight but my stomach is acting up. I feel sooooo sick.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: the wonders of doldrums Time: September 6th 2008 0 05 am Mood: ambivalent. Music: "native funk" -- burning sky.

I have a feeling I will be pretty dull to you. Whiskey paints your world, but mine is a taupe chartreuse sky. Sounds too Magnolia-ish? Maybe it is.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: wow. Time: August 25th 2008 4 46 am Mood: aggravated. Music: Horgoi Torgon Deel -- Egschiglen (sounds of Mongolia).

I'm leaving for 3 and a half months and you can't even take off one day to see me before I leave. that's fine. and you turn it around on me like I'm the bad person. I took off twice to visit you, which is like two hours away. And one of the nights, I missed a concert of a lifetime for you. When I told you weeks before that I might have to visit you the next day, your response was, "why don't you go to the one in Miami a few days earlier, dumbass?" Maybe because it's in fucking Miami when the House of Blues is like 20 minutes from my house. It's nice that you forgot all the incredible adventures we had and the things I've done for you -- how I let you borrow my ladder and Christmas decorations, how I always bought you lunch/dinner when you said you didn't have money. I didn't replace you. But that's what you seemed to have done. It's funny that you say that the "one person who has always been there for you" is the same one you told me was "annoying" and that you couldn't "stand her." I DIDN'T FORGET. I am leaving the fucking country. I needed/need to prepare. Talking to Justice has nothing to do with this! So much loose ends to tie up. And it's not like you can't call me either. That's not how friendship is measured -- by how often you talk to someone. You went so far as to delete me off your top friends, delete the song we did together, and leave no trace of our friendship on your page. But it's ok, your boyfriend left me on his. Way to be shallow. You expect everyone to lift a finger for you and throw a pity party. Friends are supposed to be understanding. You're being a fucking brat. I'll be here when you wake up.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: fading fast. Time: July 31st 2008 3 26 am Mood: disappointed. Music: "Just Like You Said" -- Seal.

I guess I'm a little bit disappointed, but I kind of expected this to happen. I am really a mix of emotions right now. Discontent, settled, restless, anxious. But in a few minutes, I might watch porn which will take away my cares for maybe two hours and then it's back to the same old April again. Earlier today, I felt so inspired in martial arts class. I felt I could do anything. I think I am going to start going 3 times a week instead of two. I also considered jogging tomorrow (well today, now) morning, but I don't know if it will happen. I can't wait to be a badass. I would be so proud to be a black belt, if I ever reach that point. You would think that I would have forgotten you by now, but I haven't seen you in almost two weeks and I really miss you. You weren't there tonight -- Matt Lapham told Mimi that you were "on the road" though I'm not sure where. Maybe you went on a trip with your father or Wendy? I saw that she was back on your top friends on one of your Myspace pages, which is trivial, yet it means that you are at least talking again. This kind of makes me sad, but at least you will have something that you deserve in your life. I mean, how can you just throw ten years away? She's really energetic, spicy, smart, and hot. Yet, tonight I really enjoyed myself. I was jamming out to the Etruscans hardcore and enjoying the company of Mimi, Latch, and their friends. Even though I am aware of a chemistry between us, I know also that we are probably not good for eachother relationship-wise. Otherwise, maybe it would have happened already. Still, there is this ache in my heart for you. I still feel strongly that if we were in true love, I would never have to love anybody else. If you called me up at 4 in the morning and asked me to drive somewhere far away (for whatever reason), I would do it. I would do anything for you. I feel my life spinning away from me. I want to disappear while everybody else goes on with their lives and achieves happiness. I want all my friends and family to be happy. I'm really not feeling it here. I feel like I am bound for something bigger -- I really feel like I could take my music somewhere. Like I could be the next Tori Amos, only in guitar form. Brook is starting a seemingly happy relationship with her new boyfriend, Kristin is dating somebody new, Mark is enjoying the company of fawning guys at gay clubs including Matt (Cooper). Speaking of which, that is another reason why I am upset. Everytime I talk to Mark and he mentions something about Matt, I get a little sad. Here is my chance to maybe experience some joy, and it's not happening. Matt said that he liked me on Saturday night and we made out Friday night -- he went to the extent of saying, "I want to be something more than friends with you; you are unique and I think you are fucking beautiful physically and mentally..." -- yet, he never calls me or calls me back. I don't like to be the one always calling. He even said, "I really like when you call me. It makes my day." Though he is bi, he told me he is not interested in carrying that kind of relationship with Mark and told me he would speak to him about this. But he never did. He calls Mark all the time to eat dinner or go on bike rides. But he can't call me just to talk. Now, I feel like he just wants sex. We haven't yet, and at first I really thought that I would pursue this, but now I don't want to. Or maybe, he doesn't know what he wants. I'm going to China in a few weeks, so fuck it. I was so bummed that he didn't call me last night (Tuesday), that I actually slept at 10:30 (which is so early for me). It killed me to talk to Mark while I was in this mood because I couldn't tell him what was really wrong. I know he really likes Matt and he even said that he told him, "I don't want you to hook up with her 'cause she's my best friend!" I don't think anything is going to happen anyway. I treasure Mark's friendship too much and I don't want to hurt him. Plus, part of me still can't let go of Bobby. Even within two years, if nothing happens, I still feel wrong giving my love to somebody else. It's like I want to save my love and passion for him. This time, I think I have so much pain in my heart that I can't squeeze all of it out into the page. It heals and then bleeds and bleeds again. "I know I'll never be the same again..." You are probably not thinking about me right now, but I know that sometime, you will. I really want to cry right now, but I can't. Ni zhen bang. Wo neng peini yiqi daolao ma?

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: fuck your skin. Time: July 29th 2008 2 43 am Mood: bloody. Music: "sing for absolution" -- muse.

I guess I can't see the forest for the trees. I can't be around this. This is exactly what I was talking about -- the chamber that lies under the exterior. You crashed it. And I want to smash mirrors. We spoke so deeply...but then you forgot. You are drinking. You will crash and then drag yourself to school in three hours. everyone is so shady. at least, brook has been the closest thing to a constant source of light for me. mark is a kindred soul. rich is very supportive but makes me feel like a bitch. i'm a mess. i'm not ready for anything. i just want to leave. and be forgotten.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: Acceptance. Time: July 19th 2008 9 16 am Mood: contemplative. Music: "Hysteria" -- Muse.

I'm starting to write more in here b/c I feel this is a more of a personal atmosphere than LJ or MySpace. I write in those journals because I feel like there is more of a chance of you reading them -- the possibility of being spared saying in person what I really want to say. But I feel pretty secure in saying that no one besides me reads this journal anymore. I feel kind of proud of myself. I am taking every day as is. I know that I won't see you for at least another...eleven days. Time was going by so fast for me this summer; a lot of my time was spent writing about you, seeing you, or thinking about you. Now that my hysteria has ameliorated, I think I can enjoy more of the world now. It's already been over two months (first documented May 2) since all of this began. I've been single and without sex for approx. one month and 13 days (I can't believe it's already been this long), I have a septum piercing, I've driven to Deltona, Daytona, Ft. Lauderdale, I've started taking martial arts classes, Heath's much-talked about final performance is now on the big screen, I sadly have grown apart from Lauren, Brook is my best friend, I gained another dear friend -- Mark Fletcher, I spoke to Heath via Ouija board, Jamie-Lynn has delivered her baby...and sadly, I feel myself growing more distant from the church. I don't know if I can fully be myself around the people at church, though they have done so much for me -- especially Brother Stanley. This saddens me. Things that would have bothered me are starting not to bother me anymore, while on the same token, I've become a lot more irritable and hostile. It's like this scathing alter-ego of mine that I've kept hidden for seven years is slamming its head against the wooden gate eerily howling, "let me out! I'm going to terrorize your world again!" Kim kept me from feeling like a total freak and outcast last night. After watching the Dark Knight earlier in the day (6:00 am) and Heath Ledger's fantastic portrayal of the Joker, I had a sinister and criminal aftertaste with me all day. I felt so outcasted b/c I was a minor at the Wall Street show, even though friends were coming up and talking to me. She spotted me just outside of the barricade on the side of the stage, gave me a hug, and then said, "Hell no! I'm breaking you out! If I had known that you were standing here earlier, there would be no way that I would let you stand out here! That's just wrong!" She was kind of like my savior. She took my hand and was talking to me for the remainder of the evening. Before she came, during breaks, I sat on the curb by myself, my hands on my knees. But the thing is, I wasn't sad. For once in my life in a situation like that, I WASN'T SAD! I enjoyed my time alone, having my own personal show on the side -- and I hardly felt awkward. While I was sitting there, I contemplated cutting scars on the sides of my face. Some highlights of last night: -First of all, he put me on the guest list (even though I still couldn't get in), which I did not expect. I did very much appreciate him remembering, since I think he has a selective memory. -He hopped the barricade and hung out with me for awhile and then kissed me hard on the lips and said, "I love you." -Periodically, he came down the steps off the side and jammed out on his guitar right in front of me. I was so honored! I think Tom and Alicia got some pictures of this, and I was for some reason very bashful and embarrassed. This happened on a couple occasions. Some things he whispered to me at these moments: (While turning his cheek to me so that I could kiss it) "I wish you were here." (With his lips so close to mine that I almost kissed them) "I fucking hate this venue. It's awful." (This made me realize that he was more of a real person than shallow. I hated that venue as well. Drunk white yuppies dancing crunk.) I really appreciated that he knew I was there. Thinking about it makes me very happy. -While we were standing close to each other, he put his hand on my ass a few times. -We played the game where you try to put your finger in the circle of the other person's hand...you know what I mean! That was pretty awesome. -At the end of the night, when we hugged he said, "give me a kiss." (It was a kiss on the side of the mouth) Also, he said "I love you too" before I even finished saying the "I." That was sweet. -He suggested that I go to the Bradenton show the next night, and I would, but I promised Brook I would go with her to that Alkaline Trio (yuck) show on the same night. Plus, gas is expensive and it's not like I would be able to hang out with you at an afterparty or anything. I would just end up driving all the way back home alone at 2 in the morning. Seeing him and Junkie Rush with Whole Wheat Bread would probably make it worthwhile, but I don't think I can go. One of his adlibs at the beginning of "In the Morning" was "Have sex!" and though it was hilarious to me, I was also a bit worried. I thought, "if he's not with Wendy, who has he been hooking up with?!" Towards the end of the show, he was surrounded by girls -- a lot of them in satin tube top dresses. I wasn't upset though. I know that I care about him in a way that none of those girls do. I wonder if you keep a journal. I'm coming to my senses and realizing that you probably don't want to take what we have to the next level. In all honesty -- I very much desire you. I want to make love to you. Sometimes when I see you standing there, I just want to touch your face. But I care about you more, and I want you to feel comfortable around me. Muse is helping me deal. But, why then? I expect you to kiss and be very close with other girls, especially the beautiful ones, but I don't see you act the same way as when you do with me. What girl lets a guy touch her ass or get that close unless she is dating him?! Well, obviously me, but only with you. I wouldn't let anybody else do that. If you don't feel anything for me, then I must, at least, be one of your favorite students. Haha!

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: don't know why... Time: July 16th 2008 19 11 pm Mood: sad.

I'm in between okay and really sad right now in my life. Time passes by so fast, but I kind of want it to. I know two guys right now that "adore" me or at least they say so. I don't think you are one of them. Some of my close friends think that I am pretty. I feel disgusting and I don't like to really look at myself. Shouldn't these people be enough? I wouldn't be jealous of the other girls you talk to if only you would tell me that I'm different from them...that I really do have a special place in your heart and in your life. There was a quote from Jung that I saw in the hobby shop the other day: "All of life's problems are insoluble...they cannot be fixed, but only overcome..." Something like that. I'll cite the whole thing later.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: Wearing fat well... Time: July 13th 2008 11 16 am Mood: discontent. Music: Ray Charles.

I just got on the scale at Brook's house at Stuart and I am the heaviest I've been in a long, long time. For years, I've managed to keep my weight around 130 to 145. Well, today, I am 166. something pounds. I can't see how anyone can think I am the least bit attractive. In the past year and a half, I have gained almost 30 pounds. 30 pounds more, and I will be pushing 200 pounds. Purple poppy like flowers under a grey morning are so beautiful. I wake up and I still think of you. I used to not like Ray Charles, but I am watching Ray right now and I am affected.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: My heart's anthem. Time: July 2nd 2008 2 32 am Mood: bleeding apple. Music: obvious.

"Looking Glass" by The Birthday Massacre: Waiting as I'm wanting to. Speaking as I'm spoken to. Changing to your point of view. Fading as I follow you. A boyish notion of false emotion. These words are spoken despite my love. A fool's devotion was set in motion. My eyes are open now. It's a glass cage so I can't pretend -- you hide beneath the physical. I see it coming, but I can't defend. You cut so deep, my belief is gone. Tell me, what I want to say. Save me for another day. Break me, it's the game you play. Hate me as I turn away. {you leave me scarred...}

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: Another dark beginning... Time: June 30th 2008 9 00 am Mood: depressed. Music: "Burn" -- Jeremy Enigk.

I feel myself crawling into that dark place again. Strange sounds, hesitant. I am ready to leave...now. I don't want to think of coming back -- how I will have nothing and no one again. It's what I wanted right? For everyone to forget about me? Except for Jessica. I always want her in my life. I am seriously thinking of moving or transferring schools. I have to check how my credits will transfer. It's a hard decision, because I have so many connections here and my music career seems to be taking off now. I just want to record my shit and then get out. This place is in between where the devil keeps me and the Lord holds me. It was my fault for stepping off the righteous path. I know I deserve this punishment by the way I have been living my life for the past two months. I didn't even get to say goodbye to the missionaries or Elder Jones. I miss them so much. I didn't realize how much light they brought into my life. I always have a weakness for lovers who live wickedly. I have given into all the vices that I strongly opposed only a couple of years ago. Smoking, drugs... But it's hard to meet someone from the church who is as openminded as me. Who will go to church every Sunday, but mosh all other days of the week. Who will accept (as I do) that there are other people of other faiths out there, and that it's OK, and even good. I loved you so much...but I know now that I will never have a chance with you. We used to flirt, used to kiss, and just like that, it's over. I try to put myself out there, and I get shot in the foot. Your impassive responses are like daggers in the throat. You might not see me for awhile. I just can't be around you anymore. It hurts too much. I want to forget you. I am such an idiot. And Rich, I didn't mean to break your heart. I didn't mean to act selfish. I always need a stimulus in order to cry. I can't cry on command. Last night, I ripped apart my shaving razor and pried the two blades from it (my old-school technique). The whole time, I was muttering, "you're okay, April" and "I can't believe I'm doing this again." I was alone in the house. It was night. I cut two lines (not too deep) on my ankle. I don't know how I used to tolerate it before, because the first one really hurt and it wasn't as deep as the ones I used to make when I cut myself a lot. It made me think twice of scarification. I needed this, because it allowed me to release some tears. Later on, I put two on my other ankle while I was watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent (my best friend on Sunday nights). I'm just dealing. My life is not terrible. I have a car, two jobs, good grades, great family... I just feel lonely and outcasted, which is a normal feeling. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to admit that I'm hurting to myself. Cutting allows me to see how far it's gone or is going. All that is missing is you, and I have to face the fact that "we" are something that is never going to happen. There are so many great people out there, but for some reason, all I want is you. Unless Nils Frykdahl asks me out on a date...haha.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Time: August 12th 2006 0 48 am Mood: depressed.

The very first thing that occurs in a chemical breakdown is the impact. Then, there is the slow dissolution of particles within the system. In the midst of this, the inflated ego of self-presumed happiness is slowly deflated like a pin prick to a plastic float toy. From this rent, chemicals of fear, paranoia, and severe depression are released and are dispersed throughout the nervous system. This image can be likened to the immediate diffusion of infinitesmal baby spiders that spill out like lava from a pregnant spider's womb once she is stabbed. The second stage involves the system shutting down all sensor receptacles, feelings, and emotions. The victim will at first avoid looking at that which reminds him/her of healthier times and then gradually, he/she will stare these remants in the face, feeling sadness, but not connecting it to his current dejected state in his/her mind, and thus not expressing it through physical action. Often times, there are tell-tale symptoms that signal that someone is suffering from a breakdown. These include the victim staring into space, becoming absent-minded in tasks he/she used to perform normally, denial of a problem, intense panic attacks, and severe insomnia. Even more oft occurring is those who ignore these symptoms. These people may include the victim him/herself. Treatments are all mostly sedative and fairly costly. It is suggested that the victim take sleeping pills, as to forget why he/she is in chronic pain. These can be purchased at any grocery store without a problem. Also, subjection to self-deprecation will help the victim to feel at his or her lowest, so that when rock-bottom does eventually hit, the victim will feel only a slight pain in comparison to the excruciating struggle it took for him/her to get there. What is found to be most effective is when the partner of the victim does all he/she can to comfort her. This can be done with simple phone calls, letters, e-mails, and personal messages. But if a victim is aware of this alternate treatment and does not receive it, it will expedite the breakdown, causing the victim to reach rock-bottom pretty quickly.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

Subject: smash every tooth in your head Time: January 10th 2006 5 37 am Mood: indescribable.

Oh, to tie the noose around my neck. The smell of blood fills my nostrils and it is rank. The air is raw and a chunk of your head lies on the floor. I took a bat with steel spikes at its end and chucked it at your head. A soft 'phoom' and as I remove the club, I take your brain with it. Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking when I said by rights, you should be bludegoned in your bed... Forget the crying and the happily ever after; it's time to be ruthless. You and your posse in a bloodtrail. You've endured nothing until you've endured yourself. Run away, stupid bunny. A trap in the hutch, your lucky foot torn off its muscle and bone. And after all this time, I haven't learned my lesson. A violent violet does not see the sky as amethysts, she sees it in hues of red. Not shades mind you, for that aspect that either darkens or lightens a picture does not color this gorey scene; it is the aspect that already the man with the abnormal heartbeat embodies. HE WILL KILL YOU. And that's what you want. You're used to it. There is no reckoning day; no full moon. That passed long ago. And you know how the tale goes: On Reckoning Day, the curse of the Red and the Black will be broken...or grow stronger. Guess which one happened. And what do I spy? The words "Demon and Angel" scrawled on that upon her back. Bliss I would find in peeling the nail from its natural seat, that $45 manicure -- a waste. I will show you the demon that you stare at. No, no cinematic effect that makes my eyes turn a deep red. Just anxiety and paranoia at every turn. I have you now and that's all that matters. Yet, I feel no comfort in being a temporary bride. But I rather suit the black wedding gown because it hides blood stains. Look forward to nothing anymore, for they revile your forthcoming. The dutiful mother of his child waits in vain for her lover to come home from his travels. He has been bit and has transformed into something crude and unworldly. Where did you travel to, mandarin? So sweet and tangy you were to the taste, and now I cannot taste anything but the blood on your lips that was drawn from mine. You care not even for yourself, so what can I expect? Nothing anymore. I just throw out fancies in my head, hoping you'll get the point but you are obstinate in understanding how deep my compassion runs. How I would want you to show me the same patience I showed you after I put up with everything you put me through. This is not a wringing of guilt; this is a show of truth. I don't mean to make you feel bitter; I only mean to show you the way things are and that my terms will be understood alongside yours. But let's not treat this as a contract. I'm putting my foot down as you put the gun in my mouth. LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING FOR CHRIST'S SAKES. I shouldn't have to point out anything. Any other woman would not have the timidity and the gentility that I have shown you. What a burden -- to love someone so intensely and completely who love's you in a man's way. It is not fault of that person and I would not have it much any other way. It cannot be helped. So I will bear the burden until he leaves me like a cold babe in the pen. But no, I will never leave him. I love this man, damn you all. He is the beauty within the bomb; he is the cure inside the cell of sickness. I am his -- fully his. No one can change this. And he loves me. No matter how fully or little, I have his love -- this component that doth fall rare from him. Tell that to yourself everyday.

Comments: scream in cathedrals.

LiveJournal for Quelqu'un que vous avez connu. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website ('Voyageur'). View: Memories. Missed some entries? Then simply jump to the next day.