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Hamlets [25 Aug 2003|04:15am] "Hamlets" © February 2003 Created for "The Charles Simic Project", Spring 2003, Sarah Lawrence College Brian Watson-Jones Characters: Protag (Dan3iel) Counselor (Faith) Hamlet 1 (Shakti) Hamlet 2 (Rebecca) Hamlet 3 (Maggie) Hamlet 4 (BWJ) [Lights up on five actors sitting in a circle, a counselor and four Hamlets. Each has a sheep on a stick in their lap. Protag enters dreamily, although not actually asleep dreaming] Counselor: Oh, hello. You?re the new one? You must be... Hamlet. Protag: Uh, yes. Yes. I am Hamlet. Counselor: Welcome to the group, Hamlet. Sit down, please. Would everyone like to introduce themselves to Hamlet? Hamlet 1: Hey. I?m Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. Hamlet 3: Hi, Hamlet. I?m Hamlet. Hamlet 2: Hello. I?m Humlet. Protag: Humlet? Hamlet 2: Yes, Humlet. You got a problem? Counselor: Now, now. No one has any problems. (whispers to Protag) She?s foreign. Protag: Oh. And you? You?re Hamlet too? Hamlet 4: Sir, my good friend; I?ll change that name with you. Protag: ...Kay. Counselor: Now, Hamlet, when the rest of us left off last week, we were discussing our step-fathers. Hamlet 2: Fuckin? kill him! Hamlet 3: Son of a bitch... Counselor: Now, now. We have to work through this anger. Maybe Hamlet can help. How do you feel about your step-father, Hamlet? Protag: I don?t have one. [Pause] Counselor: You don?t... have one... Protag: No. What?re they like? Hamlet 4: A little more than kin, and less than kind. Hamlet 1: Murdering pieces of shit. Hamlet 3: You don?t have one? Protag: No. Hamlet 2: You?ll get one. You have an uncle? Protag: Why? Counselor: Ok, ok, we?re getting off-topic. Any new thoughts this week that we should discuss? Hamlet 3: I?m going to kill myself. Hamlet 4: Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt... Counselor: Now, now! What have we discussed about suicide? Hamlets 1,2,3: We shouldn?t. Hamlet 4: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. Counselor: Exactly. Hamlet 2: Besides, I can?t kill myself until that bastard is dead! Hamlet 3: Yeah! Hamlet 1: For my beloved father! Hamlet 4: O, vengeance! Counselor: We don?t want to do anything too rash, now. No killing until we?re sure it?s the right thing to do. Hamlet 3: Yeah. Yeah, we can?t be sure... Hamlet 2: I?M sure. Hamlet 4: The spirit we have seen may be a devil... Hamlet 1: You know full well it was our father! Counselor: All right, all right. Can we all agree to hold off on killing our step-fathers until next week? [4 Hamlets nod] Ok then. Well, Hamlet, you?ve been awfully quiet. Protag: Me? Counselor: Yes. Why don?t you tell us why you?re here? Protag: Well... it?s been hard to sleep lately. [Hamlets nod, knowingly] It has been ever since I left my daughter, I guess. [Hamlets look confused] I don?t know. It?s been tough ever since I left my mom. I was 16, and I just hopped on my bike and rode off. I?ve been traveling around ever since, staying in cheap hotel rooms, and it was working out fine, but then I got married and we had Isabella and since I left there... I feel, emptier. I don?t know what I- Hamlet 3: Wait, what? What daughter? Hamlet 1: What?s a ?bike?? Hamlet 2: You LEFT your mother with that murderer? Hamlet 4: This is most brave. Counselor: That?s... odd. But we?ll accept it. We accept things here. What about friends? Who here has friends that help them out? Hamlet 2: Well, Horatio?s stood by me. Hamlet 3: Yeah. Horatio?s my best friend. Hamlet 1: I thought Polonius was goofy, but a friend. Until I killed him, of course. Hamlet 4: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool... Protag: You KILLED somebody?! Counselor: Now now, Hamlet, we accept things here. Anyone else? Hamlet 1: Well, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. I think they?re together, but that?s cool. Hamlet 2: They were my friends, til I found out they were spying on me. Hamlet 3: They tried to have me killed. So I switched it around so THEY would die. So many of my friends die... Hamlet 4: Alas, poor Yorick... Protag: Well of course all your friends die if you KILL THEM! Counselor: Ok. Everyone?s getting a bit too morbid... again. I?d say it?s sheep time. [All Hamlets look overjoyed and get out sheep on sticks. Protag looks confused] Hamlet? Get out your sheep, please. Protag: I don?t have a sheep. [All freeze in shock] Hamlet 3: You... don?t have... Hamlet 2: You don?t have a SHEEP?! Hamlet 1: You have to have a sheep! Protag: I don?t have a sheep! I?m just... I left Isabella, I?ve never had a real home, I?ve never stopped traveling, I can?t sleep, I can?t even FUCKING SLEEP, no one knows why, drugs don?t help, yoga?s ridiculous, HELP ME! Someone has to help me sleep! [Pause, Hamlets stare at Protag] Hamlet 2: I think he?s crazy. Counselor: You know we don?t use that word here. No one here is to c-word, right? Hamlet 1: No. Hamlet 3: No. Hamlet 2: Maybe. Hamlet 4: I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw. Counselor: Very good. Now, enough joking, Hamlet, take out your sheep. Protag: What sheep? I don?t have a fucking sheep! Why sheep? Don?t you all just want to sleep? [Pause] Hamlet 2: Yeah. Hamlet 3: Yes. Hamlet 4: ?Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. Hamlet 1: But we can?t. Counselor: Your name isn?t really Hamlet, is it? Protag: No. It?s Lenny. I?m not prince of anywhere. [Pause] Hamlet 4: O God, I could be bound in a nutshell and count myself king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams. Counselor: This is too much. You have to leave. Hamlet 2: Get the hell out of here! Hamlet 1: You shouldn?t be here, you faker! Hamlet 4: You are a fishmonger! Hamlet 3: [quiet] Good luck. Counselor: Good-bye, Ham... Lenny. There?s no place for you here. Protag: Okay... okay. I?m sorry. Hamlet 1: Whatever. Just go. Hamlet 2: This is a HAMLET support group. Hamlet 4: The rest is silence. [Hamlet 3 just watches Protag go. Hamlets and Counselor begin counting sheep- ?562, 563, etc? Protag lies down and joins in. Hamlets and Counselor fade, leaving Protag alone, counting sheep] post comment

Rocky Props (for the hell of it) [05 Nov 2002|10:38pm] Rocky Horror- "How to Use Props" © October 2002 Created for Diabolical Chickens, Fall 2002 Show, Sarah Lawrence College Brian Watson-Jones Betty, Susie, and Timmy enter from stage left with bags of props. They are youngish looking kids, the kind that get help in old filmstrips. Voice over speakers- calm and paternal and bipolar as hell. Voice: Well hello Betty. Hello Susie. Hi Timmy. B, S, T: Hi! V: Where are you three off to? B: We?re going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show! V: That sounds like a lot of fun. B: Yeah, it is! V: Are you guys taking snacks with you? S: No, these are our props! V: Props, eh? T: For the show! But... V: But what? T: We?re not sure how to use them. V: Well, I might just be able to help you out. B, S, T: Yay! V: What have you got there? B: I?ve got a newspaper! V: Put that over your head during the rainstorm. (B puts over head) Good! S: I have a party hat! V: Put that on when they sing ?Happy Birthday?. (S puts on) Great! T: I have rubber gloves! V: Put them on when Frank puts his on. (T puts on) And clean up after you use them! Ha ha! (B, S, T laugh) What else do you have? B: I?ve got toast! V: Mm, toast. Normally you?d throw that onstage, but that would be messy, so give it to a virgin sitting near you. Virgins love toast. What else? S: I?ve got a water gun! V: Shoot that during the rainstorm. But don?t shoot it onstage, because the actors could slip and hurt themselves. We don?t want that, do we? T: Well... V: No. T: No! V: Right! Now, does anyone have flashlights for that scene? B, S: I do! T: I have a cigarette lighter! (T clicks fire on, stares at flame) V: Turn on flashlights and lighters when Brad and Janet sing ?There?s a Light?. And be careful with the lighters. We don?t want to start a fire, do we? B, S: No. T: Pure, cleansing fire... V: Do we? T: (starts, turns off lighter) Huh? No! No, no pure cleansing fire. No. V: Good. What else? B: I?ve got rice! (pause) V: Rice. B: Yeah! For the wedding! V: No rice. Actors could slip. B: But rice is fun! V: (pissed) No, you know what?s fun? Crouching in Reisinger at 3 am picking individual rice grains out of a carpet! That?s a fucking barrel of monkeys! B: But back home... V: Well guess what, Betty. You?re not in Rat?s Ass Wisconsin anymore! The is the big leagues! This is Sarah Lawrence. Now put that rice in your pocket and leave it there. Anything else? S: Confetti? V: Confetti?! That?s worse than rice! No, no confetti! Anyone have anything that isn?t completely retarded? (pause) T: (scared) Cards? V: (calm again) Cards, good. Throw the cards when Frank sings about cards for sorrow and pain. But be careful not to hit anyone in the eye! Ha ha! (B, S, T laugh nervously) Anything more? B: I... I?ve got a hot dog. V: What? B: A hot dog. V: (pissed) You want to throw a hot dog on stage? No! What is it with you and food? Eat it! B: Huh? V: Eat it! B: But it?s raw! V: Do it! (B eats hot dog, crying) Now get the hell out. B: Wh? V: Go! (B runs out) Tard. What?s left? T: I have toilet paper... V: You want to throw toilet... Eat it! T: What?! V: Eat it, bitch! (T starts eating end of roll, crying. V calm again) Ha ha! I?m just kidding. You don?t have to eat it. (T spits out) You can throw it. But not onstage. Throw it sideways, across the audience! B: What if we don?t have toilet paper? V: Brace yourself! (T bounces roll off S?s head) Okay. Damn that?s a lot of props. Anyone got any more? S: Uh... noisemakers... T: A bell... V: Yeah, that?s all fine. Whatever. You kids got any booze? T: No... V: You came to Rocky without booze? S: Betty had it! V: Figures. Well, have fun at the show! T: I?m scared... V: Don?t be scared, the show hasn?t even started yet! Now, get off the stage, the director and stage manager need it. Go! (S and T run off) Ladies and Gentlemen and Trannies, Leslie and Meredith! 1 comment|post comment

Troglodyte [25 Jun 2002|11:52pm] Troglodyte © June 2002 (Version 10-6-2001) Brian Watson-Jones Lights up. A small office. Walls covered in maps of New York City, each map filled with tiny colored flags and stickers, cot, filing cabinet, dumbwaiter, pneumonic tube, desk with an alarm clock, one chair behind desk, another covered in dirty dishes. Everything else is covered with papers, charts, and forms. Door SR. A man sits behind the desk, holding a pen and staring into space. The alarm clock rings. LARRY: All right! Time for... time for... (He sorts through papers. Triumphantly:) Seventh Avenue, between 12th and 13th Streets, west sidewalk! Truck damage. Well, time for some patching. (He opens the filing cabinet and grabs a form) Hm. Low on PL-12s. Should probably order more... (Opens the filing cabinet and grabs different form) Let?s see...PL-12...name, date...better get a hundred. (The door opens) LAURIE (Sticking her head in) Excuse me, is this...? LARRY (Terrified) Ahh! (Larry dives under the cot) LAURIE I...whoa. Hello? (Enters. She carries a cardboard box) It?s alright. Hello? LARRY Oh. Uh... (He crawls out. He has a stutter that comes and goes, depending on whether he?s speaking to Laurie or about his work) S-sorry. You st-tartled me. LAURIE No, no, I?m sorry. I should have knocked. Are you okay? You?re shaking. LARRY Yeah, just. Yeah. (Remembering) Oh. M-may I help you? LAURIE Yes, maybe. I?m starting here today, and I can?t seem to find my office. (She notices the maps) Wow. Wow! Is this the whole city? LARRY The...the maps? Yes. Yes, it is. LAURIE This is incredible! LARRY Th-thank you. LAURIE Well, you must work in Organization & Repair. LARRY Y-yes. I do. LAURIE Well then, you can almost certainly tell me where my office is. I?m your new boss. LARRY What?! What happened to B-bill? LAURIE Oh God, you haven?t heard. LARRY What? LAURIE Mr. Hawkins...had a heart attack. He?s dead. LARRY Oh. LAURIE I?m sorry. I?m surprised you weren?t told. LARRY Well, I hardly ever sp-speak to anyone but B-bill. Through the, uh... (Larry gestures toward the pneumonic tube) LAURIE A pneumonic tube?! Wow, I?ve never seen one of these outside of bank drive-ins. LARRY Y-yeah. I keep track of what needs fixing, fill out the forms, and send them up to Bill. Or you, I guess. LAURIE And is that a dumbwaiter? LARRY Yes. It?s how I get my food. We?re two floors above the cafeteria. LAURIE That?s amazing. In an office building? LARRY B...Bill put them in. LAURIE He must have meant a lot to you. LARRY He was my best friend. LAURIE Oh. And you hadn?t heard... LARRY W-well, I?ve been getting reports and updates from M-marcy for the last week... LAURIE Hawkins? assistant? LARRY Yeah. She runs things when Bill?s on vacation, so I just assumed... But she didn?t say anything about... LAURIE Maybe she didn?t know how to break it to you. LARRY I thought it was weird that Bill left without saying anything. He almost always lets me know... LAURIE Look, if you want to talk to someone... LARRY No! I m-mean... I?ll be okay. LAURIE Well, if you say so. If you do feel the need to talk, my door is always open. Once I find it, that is. LARRY Oh. Y-yeah. LAURIE I?m sorry, I?m being rude. What?s your name? LARRY L-larry. LAURIE Ha! How about that? I?m Laurie. LARRY Heh. LAURIE Funny. LARRY Yeah. (Pause) S-so! Do you have a lot of experience in...in Organization & Repair? LAURIE Actually, no. Until last week I worked in Accounts Receivable. LARRY Huh? LAURIE Yeah, that?s what I said. But I was told I?d been doing ?exemplary? work, and that I was ?uniquely suited? to run this department. LARRY Oh. LAURIE I?ve never done anything like this before. But I trust the judgment of the higher-ups, and my pay almost doubled, so who was I to turn it down? I figure my civil service test showed an aptitude for this job, or maybe- LARRY (Suddenly) What?s your last name? LAURIE What? Oh, Thompson. Why? LARRY (Crestfallen) No reason. LAURIE Look, I?m terribly sorry, but can we continue this discussion later? I have to get to my office and find out what my duties are. LARRY Oh. Yes. Yes, s-sure. LAURIE Great. So, can you tell me where it is? LARRY Y-, um, well, sort of... LAURIE What do you mean, ?sort of?? LARRY Well, I think the tube goes straight up, so... LAURIE Didn?t you know where Hawkins? office was?! LARRY (Cringes) Well, it?s been a while since I?ve been there... LAURIE What, did he visit you? LARRY N-no... (Pause) LAURIE So he was your best friend, but you two only talked on the phone. LARRY I d-don?t have a phone. LAURIE Then how...? LARRY The t-tube... LAURIE (Flabbergasted) You two only communicated by written messages?! LARRY (Cringes) I, y-yes! LAURIE Look, I?m sorry, I didn?t mean to yell. It?s all just very...unusual. Speaking of which, I see you have a cot. LARRY Y-y-yes... LAURIE You have a bed and food service. Larry, do you live in this office? LARRY I...w-well...I... LAURIE Larry? LARRY Um...s-sorta... LAURIE Well, this won?t do at all. LARRY W-what? LAURIE I don?t know what kind of ship Hawkins ran here, but people cannot sleep in their offices! LARRY What? No, pl-please! LAURIE Look, Larry, I understand that it saves time and money, but you have to go home at night. LARRY I am home! LAURIE I...no. Don?t you have an apartment? LARRY N-no. LAURIE No? LARRY (Rapid-fire) I used to, but the building burned down and Bill said I could sleep here for a few days and I did and it was great and I got so much more work done and I didn?t have to deal with anybody so I asked Bill if I could stay here as long as I wanted and he said yes so I moved in for good and Bill said it was fine so he put in the tubes and took care of everything and please don?t make me go away! LAURIE Whoa, whoa! Slow down! You really live here?! LARRY (Desperate) Yes. LAURIE So you...I mean...where do you bathe? LARRY In...in the bathroom, at night. With a sponge. When no one?s around. LAURIE What about the night watch? LARRY Bill took care of that. And the cleaning staff. LAURIE (In shock) But if you don?t go out...don?t you get bored? LARRY I have books. LAURIE Yeah? LARRY Yeah. Shakespeare, a Bible, The Best Poetry of 1989... LAURIE My God, how long have you been here? LARRY A long time. LAURIE Larry, you shouldn?t have to... (Just then, a message arrives through the tube. Larry reads it, starts in shock, grabs a form from the top of the cabinet and writes furiously) What? What is it? LARRY (Tersely) Emergency. Busted water main on 5th Avenue, flooding the street. LAURIE Holy crap. (Larry grunts. He fills the form out, hits it twice with a rubber stamp, and has it dispatched in ten seconds flat) Wow. That was fast. LARRY I keep a bunch half-filled out. Y?know, just in...just in case. LAURIE (She sits on her cardboard box) Well, if you?re always here, you?ve got the time to do it. I just can?t believe... so all you do all day is organize street repairs?! LARRY Yes, yes, and I?m great at it! Bill says...said...that without me, this city would fall apart! LAURIE I... wait a minute. LARRY What? LAURIE Larry, how much do they pay you? LARRY I don?t know. LAURIE You don?t know. LARRY I don?t need to. Bill set up a fund for me, an account that pays for my food and dry cleaning and new clothes if I want them which I hardly ever do and- LAURIE Larry, don?t you see? LARRY ...No? LAURIE Bill was using you. You did all the work, and he got all the glory. LARRY What? LAURIE You?re the fastest office worker I?ve ever seen! And just look at this room! You?ve got the precise dates for repair for every block of concrete in New York! I?ll bet Hawkins never had to do any work at all, and he was given raise after raise for your work! On top of that, he probably put your salary into his bank account! LARRY No! He?s...was...my friend... LAURIE No, no he wasn?t. My God, how could you let yourself get roped into something like this?! LARRY I don?t have to go out this way! I have all I need here, and there?s no one here to hurt me! Please; I?m happy here. LAURIE But you deserve more! You should be running this department, not me! LARRY Um. Yeah. Probably. LAURIE ...what? LARRY My last name?s Thompson too. LAURIE Well, that?s certainly an odd... (Realizes) Oh my God. LARRY Yeah. I- LAURIE Oh my God! Oh shit! Shit! (Stands and paces, scared) Two L. Thompsons. Bureaucratic mix-up. Oh God. Civil service test aptitude, damn it Laurie, how could you be so stupid! LARRY Please, look... LAURIE How could this happen? LARRY They probably forgot I exist. That?s what I wanted. LAURIE (Not even listening to him) I?m so screwed... LARRY No, it?s okay, it?s okay! Same deal! LAURIE What? LARRY Same deal! As with Bill! I do work, you get credit! LAURIE What? LARRY You can have it! All of it! Money, credit, glory, whatever, I don?t want it! Just don?t let things change! LAURIE I...no. No, I can?t. LARRY Why not? LAURIE Well, for one, they?d catch us. This can?t stay hidden forever. LARRY They didn?t catch Bill! LAURIE I?m not Bill! I don?t know how he did it, who to talk to... LARRY Wait! Wait, he gave, he gave me... (Rifles through papers, finds a manila envelope) He said ?Just in case?. He must?ve meant... (Larry hands Laurie the envelope) LAURIE (Looks through contents) ...Yeah. Everything?s here. Bank account number, what security guards to bribe... For what it?s worth, he wasn?t stealing from you. LARRY I know. LAURIE He deposited your entire paycheck, every two weeks. You?re pretty rich. LARRY I don?t care. LAURIE But...Larry, this isn?t healthy for you. You?ve got to get out, take control of your life... LARRY I?ve been out! I?ve been ?healthy?! I hated it! Here, it?s okay. I make a difference, I?m important. I?m happy here, for the first time in my life I?m really happy! I?d die out there. LAURIE No. LARRY I?ll slit my wrists. This time it?ll work. LAURIE (Hesitant) ...Look, I?ll think about it. Ok? LARRY Y...yes. Yes! (Smiles) Thank you, Laurie. LAURIE I haven?t said yes. LARRY No. But thank you. (Laurie nods at him, and exits, shaken. Larry smiles quietly for a moment) She?ll help. She?ll HELP. Now...Seventh Avenue...PL-12s... (Larry shuffles some papers) BLACKOUT post comment

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