Midnight Caeruleus [entries|friends|calendar] arc_indigo [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

Dear DJ:1 I Hate Fireworks! Revolution [30 Mar 2005|04:09am] [ mood | numb ] [ music | Humming of my modem ] Fireworks refers to my English teacher I just got this semester. Her name is Mrs. Swan and she does a special clap she calls "fireworks" to congradulate us on turning work in or being a good class... Stupid drunken fucker. Anyway... Revolution was supposed to be me maturing and growing up; finally understanding my place in life. Well, MegaCon rolls around and a backstab Hayden and help Sean cheat on him. Ask me for the apology e-mail I sent Hayden if you want the low-down and then I'll tell you about MegaCon since I skipped over that. Um... Yeah. I'm really depressed now because I have lost my brothers... I'm up late and don't know when I'll be in bed. I've decided it's about time to update this thing. As things happen day by day, I'll be more spicific of what goes on and such. Right now, you guys just need an update. I am alive, but not well. 1 comment|post comment

Final Entry [25 Jan 2005|09:46pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Tsuki Ni Kawatte Oshioki Yo! ] I seem to have grown up a lot. I am now wearing kind of preppy clothes, but looking good. :) I went to the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind today to do volunteer work, and I enjoyed it so much!! I went with my neighbor, so I was completely on my own to talk to people. I loved it! I feel independant now and accomplished. I'm changing... I feel and see it... Despite being called a faggot to my face and recieving the finger, I know I'll be making so much more money when we are 10 years down the road because I rock. They don't. I have someone in my life I care for a lot. I have other people besides him in my life I care for a lot, too. Wanna know what the best part is? They care about me, too. I know I am loved. I know I will get ahead in this world. I know I will make a difference because I don't like your finger up my butt. I'm not done with this lesson or this school year... I'm just starting. Expect to see more this semester! ^~ Next time: Dear DJ.1 I Hate Fireworks! Revolution 4 comments|post comment

Entry.48.67 Paranoia! Those Appreciated [09 Jan 2005|06:20pm] [ mood | vaguely neglected ] [ music | A sad music box tune and the same tune again on piano ] Just a quick jot of my current feelings... I know I'm just paranoid, but I've been thinking lately... despite my own conclusions and others' situations... I still feel stupid. Stupid for thinking the way I do. I told one person about the way I feel. He thought that maybe I needed medication for manic-depression. I have tried zoloft before and felt happier, but i didn't not feel right taking them. I think teenagers are pumped with too many pills these days. My mother inhales several a day and i refuse to have that... I will not consume chemicals to make me feel better about myself... Although, each time I think I can stand alone, I am SO easily upset when someone I respect a lot doesn't IM me first and then I fear that if I do not IM them, we will never speak again because they really don't want to be around me... ever again. I know it's stupid to feel like this because again, their influence is not something I need. However... some people I feel lost without. Those same people make me feel lost... Those same people are what I believe to be the only ones who can take me out of this pit of idiocy. It's a lie, but I cannot help but feel that way. Not knowing how to feel leaves me with the options I know and I generally choose sadness and depression. I was told to take pills for this. I refuse to, so, where do I turn? Am I going to wait it out until I'm done with puberty? Am I going to give up in one fashion or another? What am I going to do? Maybe I do just want attention... Maybe I still want a boyfriend... I don't know why I still feel so confused and alone. This leads me back to my thoughts of having ghost emotions I need to rid myself of. I want to cry them away. I want someone to make me cry them away... Alone, I'm just going to have to wait. So many have told me it is okay to cry... ...but is it okay to cry on their shoulders? post comment

Entry.Observation Growth Of Mishandled Emotions! Where Am I? [05 Jan 2005|08:35pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Carry On ] I didn't want to post as Entry.49 yet because I know that's going to be an important one... Dun ask how I know this. Anyway, lately, I've been feeling very odd. Entry.48 showed my self-confidence and inner strength. Since I started school on Monday, it kind of went down the drain. Despite my vow, I have let something pull this smile down. I want to cry. I don't really know what about, though... it seems so stupid at this moment. It seems as if once I hit a climax or the beginning of such, I regress back to this. I think that maybe there are simply pent up emotions and tears inside that I need to let out before I can really move on. ...those old feelings I need to let go of... I don't know how to, yet, though... What is it that I do? Do I just go out and scream? Do I punch the shit out of a punching bag? Do I cry it all out? If so...how? Do I confess everything to someone or the ones concerned? I never resolve things on my own... I just need someone to listen. I want to know someone cares... Really, what is life without true friends who care about each other? What does anything we do mean with someone there to appreciate it? It saddens me to see so few people REALLY care about the ones they call "friends". When it comes down to it, who would you stand in the path of a bullet for? Who's life would you save? I'm not so sure the people I would stand in the way for would return the favor. What if there were two or more to be put to death at the same time? Which would you stand in front of? To take a bullet for someone is such a strong gesture and something that will long effect the one whose life was spared by your hand. I still wonder who would save me... Sometimes I wonder if I have annoyed someone. They seem like they don't want to talk to me, but say something other than that seemingly trying not to hurt my feelings. Or maybe they just are a bit out of it that day... I don't know. I don't know whether I can read people so well... I try to take hints and let people be, but I'm scared if I do that, we may be left alone for good. I just want to know more is okay than this... I think I become annoying when I get scared I am being annoying. Why the fuck can I not be myself? I always become terrified that those I care a lot about don't see me in the same light and only want me out of their light, period. There is no easy way to let one down... I cannot ask someone if they want me to simply never talk to them again... Maybe I just need believe in myself and the Fates which weave my path. If the fucker doesn't want to talk to me anymore, they will get their wish. Until then, I still just want to be a good friend. Whatever it is I need to realize about being a good friend has to come to me one way or another. I'll take the bitter endings with then stupid DUHS. In the end, I believe what people tell me at face value. I don't think it's naive for me... I try to look at it as worrying less. ..believing my friends. ..not freaking out about little shit. As important as some people are to me, I cannot freak out more about say, Joe more than Destiny because I communicate better with Joe than Destiny. The worry stems from my self-esteem issues. Those issues stem from my excess emotion I have left. When they are gone and no longer influencing my mind and heart, I'll be able to realize my realization in Entry.48. I'll somehow release these stuck feelings. Until then, I want all of my friends whom I am true to, to know I will take a bullet for you, and stand up for you and be there for you. The friends I have today I believe are good people and have put their feelings in one way or another out there for me and are not fucking morons. Sorry if this is a bit much. If you know me well enough, you know my emotions bein' all over the place! lol The point of this is to try and get them under control and become a stronger person. I don't care if you don't like how I'm wording my thoughts or coming to my destination of a mature young man. This is my way and if it is flawed, it will be corrected and made better. I'm going to become a better person, god damnit! Please understand me... I don't know where I am along the path of life... but I will definently arrive someplace wonderful. Please wait for me there. 2 comments|post comment

Entry.48 Nearing An End?! Life Is Changing [02 Jan 2005|01:28am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Silence ] Over the past couple of weeks or so, I've come to realize a lot. If there is one thing Tristan did good in my life, it was to teach me never to be as much of a bastard as he could have been. He did not be as much of a bastard as he could of been, but my mind filled in that gap and I have concluded that I do not need a boyfriend. As much as I thought I loved Tristan and as much as I thought he loved me and most of all as much as I thought any man could ever love me, I do not need it. It is not some necessity in life, some not uncommon goal we all share and strive for, and if it is for you, somehow I feel sorry for you and want to wait and see you reach this stage in you life. While having a significant other is magnificent in all of its glory, it does amazingly and much to my surprise come with a lot of drama, conplications, stress, and reoccuring heartache. Right now, being seventeen-years-old and more than halfway through high school, it is not something I am admittedly ready to deal with. It is not something affecting my grade in Algebra II, it is not something that is being tattooed onto my skin, it is not something so pivotal in my life that I fucking need it. I am a fucking self-dependant, strong willed person. I will fucking live on without a prince in shining armor to be my top. I am my own top. I am my own lover. I am my own self-esteem. I don't need someone to be there to tell me I am beautiful. I do not need someone to be there to tell me I can do it. I most certainly do not need someone there who will say they love me and because of a thing or two they do, cause me to worry eternally whether they are lying or not. Love is a messy thing. You cannot eat it with a fork and knife. You cannot look decent when you are in the middle of it and it is consuming your heart. You need to fucking shove your face in there and get dirty with it. And when you come out of it, you need to stand up straight and look proper because you are still in a fancy restaurant. I cannot do that, now. I am too ignorant, too young, and too goddamn unstable for this right now. I realize that I am doing wonderful in school. I have A's and B's. I know what I am doing when I graduate and beyond. I have my life set up. I am on track. I cannot maintain this if I have a boyfriend. I was fucking willing to change another person's life and my own when I was with Tristan because I thought love broke through all bounderies. I was wrong. Love takes a lot of work. Love takes your full concentration and it takes more energy than I have. I am not moving to live with a boyfriend. I am not moving a boyfriend to live with me. I am not bonding my life with any one person now because I will cling and become dependant; a fucking parasite I will be. I am fucking 17... What the hell am I able to do beside jerk off? It is fine for me to desire a long-term relationship right now. The thing is, though, I have to realize that is something I canot do yet. I have to build my way up to get there. just as I must build myself to become an interpreter, become my dream and live it out, I have to build myself to love. I am incomplete. I have not finished learning yet. Highschool, if anything, is only useful in social interactions. I am too shy right now to move on. Last night was really revolutionary for me. I became truly appreciative for two people in my life and the love they share. I appreciate the hard work they put into each other's relationship and the stress it causes each other. but for fucks sake, they love each other! At first I doubted it for whatever reason... I thought one was still too young and the other was too worrisome. I thought they had yet a lot to learn. While I still think the same of them, it is not as bad as I thought it was. It was a very huge misconception of love that seems to have been corrected. Whether they marry in the end or break up, they fucking work right now and I can feel it. I admire it, and I want it. I want to have something like that. However, being around them only makes me want it right now much less because I am a fucking moron. i will be for another couple of years and maybe longer. If I try to create what they have now, I would only be setting myself up for heartbreak, my partner up for heartbreak, and the end of the world as teenagers know it. I want to date. I want to see what is out there. I am currently talking with someone whom I like. He is not 100% my type as far as personality goes or what he has shown me of it. I predict I will run into this in my persuit of love about 80,000 times. I'm fine with that. I want to meet the world and more. I want to know what my choices are. There are a lot of rainbow-colored fish in this sea and I'd like to see all of their colors before I pick which on i'll tattoo onto my ring finger. Before I go to bed, I want to say that I love my two gay big brothers dearly. I haven't known them all that long, but I am glad they are in my life and I hope the same from them. I don't have anyone else in my life to take example from besides slutty flamers going to school with me. It is one thing that they are slutty flamers, it is a whole 'nother ballpark when they are my age. They are about as clueless as, if not more clueless than I am. Sometimes, I am prone to think the latter. They are the fucking idiots bound to get AIDS that make me frown upon my community I hold so dearly and close to my heart. My two brothers make me feel that there is hope I will find an intelligent, funny, worth-while sexy-as-fuck guy out there who really does care the world about me. If I can find them in St. Augustine WITH EACH OTHER, then there is nothing keeping me from believing quite profusely that there is a match for me somewhere and I will find him. If I was meant to be with him now, he'd be here already. If I was meant to live with a significant other, I'd have been born with him attatched. I will live and learn without him and then share my story with him when we meet. As for now, I am MORE than content with the two people in my life I consider to be two of the most important people I can ever meet. It seems early for me to even say this in a brotherly manner, but I love these two. Just as any of my friends, they will be treated with respect, honor, and fucking trust. I care about them and the things that happen to them and I want them to know I will be there for them even if I am not their first choise of shoulder to lean on. I still want to be able to help in every way I possibly can because friendship is ranked in the top 5 priorities in my life. Family, School, Future, and my Health are right up there with it and I plan to attentive to everyone affecting me. I love this life and this world. I fucking love it. I fucking love the stress, the pain, the heartache, the loneliness, the headaches, the tears, the sons of a bitches teaching me not to be a son of a bitch. i love it all! ...and having it all here in my face makes me appreciate the freedom, the pleasures, the love, the relationships, the euphoria, the laughs, the friends that I also have all the more. I am going to stop holding myself back and live my fuking life happy alone and loving myself and believing in myself when no one else fucking will. I'm a fucking strong, bitchy, slightly overweight, annoying, cheerful, kind, retarded, asshole, gay, lovable kid who has just fucking been born!!!! I will never let a thing take this smile off of my face. It belongs to me and it will shine brightly until I die. I will live on. I will make a differance. I will love. post comment

Entry.47 Winter Break! I'm Fucking Horny!! [29 Dec 2004|02:55pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Jupiter Thunderbolt! ] Fucking... I need some of that. As much as I am against just fucking around, I need to. Maybe find someone I know mildly interested in sucking me off or letting me suck them. GOD DAMN I'M IN NEEEEEED! Where is MY Tuxedo Mask when I need him? I fucking need someone to come to my rescue, you know? I'm a kick-ass soldier in gothic clothed of hot guys and fag hags! Star Phoenix! In the name of Gay Pride, oh believe me... I'l show them where to shove it! ^~ Anyway, this break seems to be showing a lot of revolution. It's like the turning point of the story in Junior Year. Remember me talking about the progress of me in Entry.1? Well, here I am. God, life sucks. Hehe. The other night, I was at Joe's house and Lao was also there. I really wanted to instigate something about his homosexuality, but I didn't really have the nerve to, so I was disappointed when he left early in the morning... Hm... I need dick. I SOOO would have done something to him if I had talked to him. :) post comment

Entry.46 Merry Yule! All I Want For Christmas [21 Dec 2004|09:24pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Princess E Koigokoro ] Well, today is Yule. The God has been reborn this morning and somehow I am not joyious for it. Blessed be, my Lord and Lady, but I am not too well as of late. Christmas, the holiday of greed and giving is this Saturday. Sure, I want to increase my Sailor Moon collection and other such, but my true wish for this holiday season, my true desire... is to be granted someone who will love me dearly forever and be completely honest with me by saying, "I love you," to me. I want that special guy to hold my hand in the chilled wind as we walk down a deserted St. George Street. I want that one man to kiss my frozen lips in the dimly lit ally under that quarter moon. I want only him to hold me and warm me up with his love for me. I don't want to feel alone anymore... Although, I will not whore myself for him. I will be that gentleman and get that love only kindness deserves. I want a man who will appreciate me for my shine and not my cock. I just now thought, perhaps my shine is blinding him. Maybe it's so bright, he cannot see exactly where I am. I do need to calm down and then he himself will pick me out of the crowd for who I am and reach for my hand. He'll know I'm not gone, just dimming for him to see me more clearly. ...I need to be myself and live MY life until he is ready to find me. If he is who I love, then he will be crying for not knowing me yet as well. I feel the warmth of my God reassuring me we will hold hands someday soon. I'm praying for his love... I love you dear Lord and Lady. Merry Yule. post comment

Entry.45 Homosexual Friendship! Furious Revelations [16 Dec 2004|05:20pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | Previews ] Lately, I have been talking to Sean's boyfriend, Hayden, more. We get along really well. We're both Virgos and seem to think and behave in the same way. I'm glad we're getting along and not angry because I kind of used to want Sean. Sean on the other hand, I don't talk to as much. lol I'm kind of scared to get back to talking to him because I'm not so sure of him yet, but I won't be sure of him until we talk. WTF?! Hm... I should just talk with him some more. Tristan tells me the other night that he is bi, and with full knowledge of my attitude towards bis, he decides to tell me he has done things with girls. Keeping it short and simple, I nearly threw up and then went to my room to cry. I hung out for a little bit with Sean and Hayden that night and they cheered me up. Also, Tristan was all suicidal last night and I try to cheer him up but NO! I was pushing his buttons apparently. Well, I should fucking have the right to! He's a jackass!! Christ... This shows you exactly how emotionally stable I am. Personally, I don't think it's who I am I need a grasp of before I go out with a guy, I think it's is I need to attatch myself less and become stronger emotionally about such situations. I think I am well and ready for a boyfriend, just not used to rejection and heart break yet. FUCK YOU, TRISTAN!! 1 comment|post comment

Entry.44 Devine Teasing! Sick And Annoyed [12 Dec 2004|08:00pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | CPU still humming ] Tristan possibly liking me again? I'm too shy to talk to him now... Sean possibly being with me? He has a boyfriend he loves dearly. Why does life continue to throw these teasing boys at me?! Why am I constantly tempted with fruit I couldn't have if I wanted?!? WTF is wrong here?!!? Why am I cursed to stay alone here? Why am I cursed to never be held by a guy that I love whom loves me back? Why am I stuck in this life? Seriously... Why am I alone...? What is the purpose? If there is a life lesson to be learned, I'd so much prefer learning it through heart break than being ignorant my entire life. I hate not knowing. I want to know... I want to love and be loved... 1 comment|post comment

Entry.43 Get Over It! Apparently Not [05 Dec 2004|02:06am] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | My CPU humming ] Well, all I can say about my life for the past week is this: I fucking hate relationships because I get attatched too quickly! And once I am attatched, it's hard as fuck to get disconnected. Even though this time it isn't really my fault because the bastard pushed me inot saying, "I love you" and he said he wanted to marry me once or twice. It's really knd of psychotic on his part to say that and then use the excuse that he was only saying that because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. Actually, I thought it was really kind of creepy! I'm keeping to MY commitments next time and refusing to say "I love you" for a while and dump the guy's ass if he says it too soon! Softly, mind you, quite unlike Tristan's dumb ass who thought I was stalking him. -.-' Ugh... I've been trying to stay out of the house everyday or at least have someone over to keep myself occupied because I REALLY don't want to think about this shit. If I forget about it, maybe I'll get over it without knowing it. If I'm aware of it all of the time, I'll keep thinking of him and cry over the things I'll never have. UGH! This is stupid... It's REALLY stupid. If I were secure with myself, maybe I could get over guys quicker and more maturely. for now, I'm stuck. On another note, Justin, Lauren, Justin's boyfriend Greg, and I were all supposed to hang out today, but no one fucking called me... Justin invited me but made no effort to tell me when where and how! GRR! -.-' I"m going to bed... post comment

Entry.42 Swiftly Over! Maturity Discovered [27 Nov 2004|04:19pm] [ mood | Matured ] [ music | MMBD1 - Yumemiru odango atama ] Well, Tristan and I had planned to see each other this weekend, but it turns out that this just doesn't feel right to Tristan. He has decded not to come at all. The way he sees it is that he is betraying all of the plans he has made for the future: Move in with his friends, be single through college, actually go to college. He doesn't want to give it all up for a boy, me. It does seem a bit betraying toward me, but hey, I came later than those plans. What can I do? I understand his decition, but quite frankly, his friends could change their minds on him just as he has on me. I wasn't very suseptable to understanding a whole lot yesterday. I don't see how Tristan can suddenly cancel all of his feelings for me in a period of a couple hours. Somehow, I think someone has convinced him otherwise of his own decitions. I still care about him A LOT and love him, yes, but I really think he has a lot of personal issues that need to be sorted out and thought through before making any drastic decitions like I was fueling. Perhaps he should not be too involved with me anyway... I'd so be forcing him down here! Heh... Bad me... However, I do still want to give him an unbiased ear. What gets me now is that he has completely removed me from his MySpace account as if he doesn't want to be friends at all anymore!! That disturbs me... No matter what happens, I'll still love him and support him. whether it is my place to kiss him anymore is irrelivant, I still want to be there for him. Now me, I realized now that relationships suck. lol No offence Tristan, if you still read these! But... People do change their minds quickly and sometimes do things they think will please the other in the relationship. It's good to get exactly what I wanted and have it taken from me. Now I don't feel so lonely anymore because I know love is out there for me. However, it is not here just yet. I'm completely content with waiting for love's slow ass to drag itself through the door. ^^ One last thing, it appears Leo is back. LOL Talked to him literally a couple of times and I'd REALLY like to hang out with him again. :) post comment

Entry.41 The Decition Is Made! Is Tristan Dead?! [21 Nov 2004|06:42pm] [ mood | relieved ] [ music | MMBD1 - Hoshizora Wa Mysterious Part 2 ] Tristan's grandmother has finally passed. Her viewing was Friday and funeral yesterday. Tristan's family requested that he remove his piercings for the ceremonies. He refused and only showed up for the family lunch before the viewing. He stayed for 5 minutes and left in disgust of his family. Tristan ended up not going to either ceremony. He was too pissed to really talked about it much. Although, his mother asking him to remove his piercings was the last straw upon the haystack they have piled upon his shoulders. When Tristan comes to visit me next weekend, if not sooner, he will not return to his parents' home. I'm currently looking for a place for him to stay. I need to get ahold of Josh and see if he could use a roommate. I've asked Angela if she knew anyone who needed a roommate, but she no longer knows anyone. She is asking around, though. If all else fails, I'm going to ask Sarah if Tristan can stay in her spare bedroom for a few weeks until he finds a place. I'm probably going to rent out a place at the old Record building. They're renting out apartments there! ^^! Last night, Tristan somehow found a place to stay in Alabama, but because it is so unsteady, it is doubtful he will be able to seal the deal. I became angry because he wanted me to move in with him. I still have 18 months until I graduate high school, and I'll be damned if he expects me to enroll in an Alabama high school. He was harassed to the point of dropping out! How could he have expected me to willingly do that? *breathe!* It doesn't matter. He is moving down for sure now. I'm sorry he won't be able to be with his friends anymore. I'm sorry he won't be able to start college right away. Thank God his scholarship lasts through 2011, so he can start when I graduate in 2006. I feel bad for being selfish, now... After he had told me about the place he could have stayed at, I hung up because I was too upset. I called back 3 hours later and apologized. I let Tristan know how I felt and why. We're fine now. Although he had to go for a few and said he'd call back. He didn't... So, I spent until about 4:30 today worrying if he was dead because I knew some of the friends he was with were drunk. lol He called me finally at about 4:30 and let me know he was crashed at a friend's house which had no signal for his cell. ^^' Phew! *huggles living Tristan* He got home and had a drawn out fight with his parents. He just now got online, so I'm talking with him. We'll see what happens, but in any case, I love you Tristan. post comment

Entry.40 It Finally Happened! The Last Love? [15 Nov 2004|09:58pm] [ mood | In love ] [ music | Tuxedo Mirage ] WHOHOOO!! ^^! Tristan and I are now officially a couple! YAHOO!! First boyfriend!! Shyeah!! A while MY ASS CASSANDRA!! :P Firday night after I ALMOST DIED I decided that I should ask Tristan out (Sarah helped me decide). I did so and of course he said yes. ^^! We've been really smittin' with each other since then. Heheheh... We are pretty sure now that Tristan is coming down Thanksgiving weekend (Friday-Sunday) and bringing the viles! ^^ I'm happy we both like the rough stuff i.e. biting, blood, and cuddling! lol As I said, we plan to sire each other and file two small viles with each other's blood (not mixed). Once we can get those, we'll never leave each other's side as we wear the viles as necklaces. ^^ Actually, this entire past week has been all about Tristan for me. He seems to be someone I can really connect with and care for. I'm glad I do. It seems that I really do love him, too! XD However, I'm worrying as usual... I'm scared that when I hang up with him, he thinks I might be too attatched too soon or too something unattractive...lol. I hate this worriment. I really do want to trust Tristan. I guess it's because it's only been a week and I'm still new to him. I feel so young and ignorant to this, though... I'm sure I have nothing to work myself up over. I've never really had someone feel this way about me before... Not only do I feel flattered, but somehow I think of something someone once told me, "Don't date everybody who likes you." I'm sure that was a warning of Justin, because Tristan in no way is a bad person! I really care for Tristan, and he's been through enough shit as it is and it's about time he have something good in his life, and should that good thing be me, I'm more than willing to accept the responsibility of loving him like no one around him has cared to. Not only do I wish to take on the responsibility, I'd wish to do so anyway. Tristan is a beautiful person with a shiing star within him. Because of his setting, he has been harassed and tourmented unbelievably! I cannot forgive those who have done such horrible things. Though, while I cannot punish them, I will love Tristan. My Goddess will see that they will be punished accordingly. I will do my duty of love and love Tristan. Quite honestly, I've always wanted this duty... I'm glad I've been assigned to Tristan. No matter how this turns out, I'm glad I've met him. I'll always be at his side, and I hope he knows it... because I love him. 1 comment|post comment

Entry.39 Bite Me! Hurt Me! Make Me Bleed! Officially Tristan's? [11 Nov 2004|09:54pm] [ mood | In love? ] [ music | Hoshi-tachi Ni Mamorarete ] Last night Tristan and I were on the phone for 6 hours and 35 minutes! Jesus!! O.o We had talked about various things and it felt so good to be connecting with someone so well! It does astonish me that we've become this close over the internet, but hey, people will meet for the first time in person and go out that night, you know! Bite me! Speaking of biting, I come to find that Tristan is really freaky! ^^! *huggles Tristan doll* I usually consider myself calm and more into soft sensuality when with someone I love, however, I've never really been with someone to know for sure. I've always wondered how I'd like whips and chains, but right off the bat is too soon! Nibbles and bites and maybe a sire from loving fangs would entice me, which they have. I've always liked blood; I'm not too sure why. I love the taste of it and the clear flavor of iron in it. It excites me even more knowing that it is what life is. To share it with someone is sacred to me - something special and incredibly meaningful. A tiny viel of my blood to make a necklace out of for Tristan and vice versa for me. Since he will be away from me most of the time, I would feel so comforted having a piece of him with me always. Upon the idea of siring, I'm excited by it. Tristan says his canines are sharp enough to puncture skin rather easily and leave vampyric bite marks. I want to feel the pain, especially when inflicted by a lover for the sake of love. I want to be hurt this way. Today, Tristan confessed he is under a lot of stress for reasons that will go unmentioned. I'm glad he finds comfort in my voice. I feel he is a sincere and innocent person who is looking for love. I normally need to look into a person's eyes or aura to tell this, but somehow, I feel safe just talking to him. Is it a like feeling of calmness for me from him? I would like to give this a couple days or so to decide for sure, because I'm scared to rush things. I'd hate to ruin a good thing. I will be calm and secure about this. Should we make things official, I will swear upon my left pinky toe that I will be faithful as a thing that's really faithful! Tristan, I want to sleep under the moonlight with you... post comment

Entry.38 Is There Anyone For Me?! The True Form Of Aaron Revealed [09 Nov 2004|10:37pm] [ mood | flirty ] [ music | Portishead - Mysterons ] Oh... Today revolved around gay. Let me explain... It starts out with Arron and I walking to my 04 class. These two bitches decide they're too lazy to open the door on their side of the hallway and run right into Arron and I. I tell them that there is another door for them and the most intelligent thing that they can come up with to say is not what one would expect, like, "Oh, sorry!" No, one of the bitches decided to say, "Shut up, faggot!" ... *sigh* Ohhh, no wonder we're a C school again. -.-' Anyway! In Earth/Space Science, Dusty decides to tease my by showing off his buttocks. I want to touch it! lol At least he's not an ass about it. He's hot, but not my type. So, I don't give a shit anyway. Oh crap... I was having a good goddam day until Kelley shows me what Tom sent her via text messages. (He wasn't at school today.) He basically says he wants to experiment with boys and not have a boyfriend. Then he decides he doesn't want to be bi anymore and thinks Emily and I would be bad friends if we didn't support his and Kelley's love for each other. -.-' I'm not even touching that. When I got home, I spilled my opinions and thoughts to Tom. It appears he's concious of the issues for he said, "You might be right." :/ I don't want to influence all of his decitions... He needs to make mistakes and grow up, but it's hard seeing him get hurt like I was. Hey... It's alright that Matt, Arron, nor Tom will be there for me. It's probably better for us all. I don't want to have to hurt them or let myself be hurt by them. I'm not so sure I'm ready for a boyfriend, yet. Although! Before school was out, in my American History class, Mr. Maass decides to mention some nasty bitch thinks I'm going to hell for being gay. not me personally, but gays in general. Ugh.. Then Sharrel decides to agree. Ahem... She thinks gays became such and choose to be gay. I spoke out and said loud and proud that I disagree. She kept using the Bible as her defense and I kept bringing in technicalities that the Bible cannot dominate. Then we discuss it all class period! WEE! Well... Yeah. I had to announce that I was gay to make the point of never making the choice of whether to be gay or not. I wish I could say it was that simple... but I'm sorry Sharrel, it's not. Hm... MySpace rocks. I was browsing users and found a cutie named Tristan. Hehe! He's 18 but lives in Alabama. -.-' He's so sweet. ^^! I wish he wasn't so far away... We have a few things in common and a healthy amount of differances. We chatted on the phone for 50 minutes... Though much of the time Cassie was there upset I wasn't talking to her. I'm sorry, Cass! >< Well, on the bright side, Tristan and I seem interested in each other. heh I wish I were ignorant again so I would do the internet thing again. I like Tristan. He's like me but less anxious. I like that. I'd love to cuddle with him and fall asleep in his arms some time... post comment

Entry.37 Say It And You Shall Believe It! Holding Tom [08 Nov 2004|11:04pm] [ mood | concerned ] [ music | Venus ] Today while Arron was walking me to my 4th period, Rocky came up behind us and asked me if I liked Arron in Sign after I introduced them. I had talked to her about him before and my thoughts. I answered her in Sign, "Yes, I like him, however, I will believe him when he says he is straight." I felt bad becuase he said he didn't like us talkign about him with a language he didn't understand. Just before I went into my classroom, I voiced it. I hope Arron isn't mad at me for continuing to have this brought up... I'm sorry. Although, until I told this to Rocky, I didn't believe it. I more considered it. Now, it is in my head. Until Arron can come to terms with himself (becuase I still think he is hiding himself) I will believe him as he believes he is heterosexual. As I type that out, I remember him saying, "If you're bold and just come up and ask me out, sure!" If he had said he was gay/bi when we asked him f his sexual orientation, what would have become of us? After school, Alice and I had nothing to do, so we hung out. I called Tom up and in an attempt the cheer him up since his dismal expression at the bus ramps, we walked around downtown with him. We then went to get McDonalds (the bastard said he'd pay for me, then at the last second, did! So, Alice had to! GRRR!!!). Tom and I poked at each other in the back seat while Alice gave a friend of hers we didn't know a ride someplace. We then took Tom home. I gave him a big hug and said I'd see him tomorrow. I'm glad he's opening up to me. It makes me feel good to see him smiling with/to/because of me. Although... Kelley told me of a dilemma she has. Will it be Alex or Tom? It appears to be Alex and Tom's heart will be broken. I'm going to have to hug him tomorrow. I believe the decition Kelley currently has set will pan out the best in everyone's favor. Tom, please be strong! Know that I am here for you... always. :/ Kelley thinks this will give Tom the push he needs to want to go out with me. He may give up on girls after Kelley. He knows I like him, so he may try to find comfort in me. I feel bad, though. I have a guilty conscience now. Should I? Was i supposed to influence Kelley's decition? ...perhaps it will revert back to its original place and she will choose Tom. O.O I swear it's a bad idea!! post comment

Entry.36 Inner Strength! Life Sucks [07 Nov 2004|03:10pm] [ mood | strong ] [ music | Portis Head - Numb ] Cassie came over yesterday and we hung out. :) We went out and had sushi (mmm) and got coffee. We twirled around and I pouted, but we lived on. We got home and walked around the neighborhood and apparently there are demons arounf that want us dead or something... Then we got home and I pouted some more and we eventually got onto other topics but it was still sad. We then talked about if we could forget things, what eould they be? It got emotional, and then we all cuddled together. I was SO all over Arron! lol We concluded that I really don't want to date or go out with or just BE with Arron, I just want a guy to cuddle with and hold hands with. It's true... He really isn't my type. I do prefer odler guys. :/ I still love him. He still loves me. Now I have to grow and become someone who can hold friendships with other guys and not want to date them just because they are nice to me. If he does turn out to be gay or bisexual some time down the line, I'll see how things go. I'm doubtful we'd have anything. We'd be too good of friends. Though I still think he likes guys to some degree, I will not push him anymore or bother him about it. I know it annoys him some that I do this, and I'm sorry for targeting him. I will try my best to be secure and not dependant upon other people. Wish me luck with this, please... post comment

Entry.35 Devinity Through Tarot! I Trust My Abilities [06 Nov 2004|03:29pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | Lonely Suttie ] Arron has spent the night again. I've been angry because of something he has said... Regardless of it, something has seemed wrong about him, and it has made me angry towards him. This morning, we have barely talked. I made him talk to Kelley and he told her he was not gay nor bi. I decide to find out for myself from something that will not lie to me. I drew the cards and placed them. The first card representing Arron appears to show that he is decieving himself and that there is a false project. My question was, "Is Arron gay?" Then beyond that, how are he and I going to move on? The remaining cards told me that I'm not going to be in his life much longer. He will become irritated by people proding into his business and eventually, the last card, he will likely find much flase love. The reversed Ten of Swords makes me believe he will be one of the closeted ones until long after he has had his own family... Those swords in his back... He's betraying himself. post comment

Entry.34 Bond Of Comfort! Arron's Insecurity? [04 Nov 2004|07:50pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Moon Spiral Heart Attack! ] Yesterday, we had anime club at my house! Wee! I invited Arron to stay the night again and he did. Although, during club, he was kinda... on Natalie a lot. :( It made me depressed. I kind of moped around the house for a while until I just went to bed. Arron came along with and I started to feel better after I could hold his hand... Is that like, too dependant or something? We then started debating whether he was the lord and master or not and he tickled me out of my bed until I admitted he was the lord and master. I eventually admitted so and stayed next to him. ^^! I felt comfortable. Then, I scratched the back of his neck until he fell asleep. We fell asleep holding hands, it was so cute! Although, before we fell asleep, he kept putting his face closer. I wanted to kiss him... Didn't, though. I'm starting to think I annoy him with the hands and the holding and the smiling... :/ I still like him, though... Nicole and Sqishy stll say he's most likely Not honest with himself, yet...so, I gotta wait. I'm gonna cry if he gets a girlfriend... post comment

Entry.33 I'm "Sick"! Cheered Up By Arron [02 Nov 2004|08:47pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Sailor Moon SuperS Introduction Music ] I stayed home today in an attempt to calm down since my rage over the weekend. I turned out to be angry anyway because I wish Arron would date me... :( All day, Nicole stood firmly saying that he's probably not ready to come out fully. I would probably annoy the shit out of him and scare him off if I keep bugging him about it. So, I've decided to leave him be for now. He's still young, so there is no use in pushing him to grow up faster. He's still younger, so I really can't expect him to be as open and out as I am. I end up feeling sick half way through the day for real and take a nap. :D lol Arron came online and we chatted about random shit for a while. ^^! Talking to him and being hyper around him makes me happy. I would hate myself so much if I let our friendship wither as I did my other lusts... *hugs Arron plushie* I won't let the demons take you away from me, O Lord and Master! Ahem... What? post comment

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