walk on vanity ruins

I have a music myspace now.

I really dislike myspace, but it is very good for advertising bands, and helping smaller indie bands get some exposure. My friend who I'm in a vague band with sort of forced it upon me. Now I'm gonna become one of those shitty myspace bands that no one listens to but pretend they do because it gives them street cred or something I guess. Go figure.

www.myspace.com/abrasions

They're pretty plain right now, but that's because I don't have the resources, talent, or patience to expand on them much, so I'm just trying to set the mood and tone for future pieces.

As the previous entries suggest, I didn't get much sleep this past week.

Not quite sure why of the exact reason - there are a number of vague ones. I've got a shitload of school stuff to do, so I put some of that time awake in the night to good use. Another reason--the main reason--is for artistic purposes. I always write and do other arsty shit better when I'm not fully there - be it from exhaustion, or that just-woken-up groggy feeling. If I did drugs that'd probably be the substitute for this. Everything suddenly seems more open and free when I'm not fully concious, it's like I'm floating just on the surface in the sea of my mind, so I can percieve what I see in my mind better than usual.

And then the final reason, which I don't fully understand. This all may be an act of self-punishment, a desire to build some muscle maybe...to push myself so I can be stronger in the future, because I most certainly will need to get used to this eventually.

My friend, my companion, she does beseech me to cease this. Along with not sleeping, been trying to not eat much either, which I know is fucking my body up but I don't care. She shouts, saying I'm looking for reasons to make myself miserable, trying to punish myself for reasons I don't understand, putting too much concern into frivilous artistic concepts, and that's all true. However, we don't know everything, either.

Never pulled an all nighter before, except once two years ago. This week I've done too, and slept for an hour on all the other days. Been falling into microsleep, and vaguely hallucinating, though not as much as I'd like to be. I realize I am weak, but...I'll get better, this is what I need. I'm sinking slowly into that deeper despair again, that terror which I faced every day nonstop for several months straight during this time last year. Don't know what I'm doing or saying, I'm...tired.

So I guess, for tonight, I give up finally. I'll get a few hours of sleep in and see what happens.

the world it smells like you tonight
in humble quiet despair i wonder why
heat's shit and so am i it's clear i'm going slow
clock shoves me through this time but i've nowhere to go

wish me luck let me sink
i need one head
put me place the world to think
this heart i've tread
so don't tired just let me sleep
and it's all dead
it's dead tonight

tie me deep tie me sweating into the dull
leave it dark leave me silver pallet explode
falling wings, failing wings no angels
i love it

it loves this
i need this
and its cycling

what is it
i need it
and its cycling

the crack the crack the scar i touch i face i taste the sorrow
it feeds me what i bring
i'm sick i'm dead i'm far wait wait inside tomorrow

and suddenly lost track of the page...
the worlds bleed into one another...
feel it merge speed up the age...
this book falls apart from cover to--

cover me with stones and needles
it all peels the same
a world of death,
of nothings left
beat me down!!!

just wait one more day (two three four i give up)

this isn't real this is dead i am the world untied
alone alone my skin rots bone i'm sorry
help my plead it curls out like my mothers hair
liar liar twist me out to die
why...

why...

(please don't let me die...
please swim with me tonight...)

my voice a series of straight lines
in rows in hair braids
my face on fire the strands crackle
there's nothing left to breathe anymore
broken and beaten bereaved anymore

(the horses shook they were so old...
pet them tame their race they were so cold...)

can't breathe? if you took out those center lines
feels the same it's all collapsed
cant believe it feels the same
everything of mind state a question
it collapse my heart collapsed...
inwards like the second pillar

now there's nothing to breathe anymore
broken and beaten bereaved anymore...

try to sing it cracks
diamond rings cut into my back
my spine cut now tear it apart
sell my prize please call me art
i'm here every time
still here every time...

what is this prick prick i'm sick it scabs
and peels the pierced back
on the attack i fight for nothing
beck and call there must be something...

sharpward beak
pinch at my breath
i'm so tired i cry
i cry and cry please help me
please!!! you don't hear me
no one hears me just
the words like silent
calls trees dancing in the
breeze on their final day
they're cut down
in their prime
who is this dead
leaf on my
side my
hip
punctured
bleeding
through
this
page
bleeding
through
this
page
bleeding
make it
STOP
bleeding
through
this
page
bleeding
make it
STOP
drip drop
drip drop
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP

these faces, all journeys end
these traces, all journeys end
it's all fruitless give up this
all journey ends like this