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Little Miss Misery

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Thinking About Home [Mar. 20th, 2007|03:25 pm]
[mood | Proud]
[music |Galaxie Hot Country]

Serge Schmemann's Echoes of a Native Land mirrors in many ways the thoughts I have about my own hometown. His is a required reading for my Russian History class, a story about his family's home in Russia and its surrounding villages. Mine is a story about a small town that has near been forgotten by the world and has hardly the overflowing history of his, but is still more than deserving of recognition.

I submitted a paper last month for my History of Education in Canada course detailing the memories of one of Arran School's principals and his wife. Recieving an A (88%) is the next of many rewarding instances surrounding the work I've so far put into this project. Though I'm disappointed with the course itself I'm grateful for the opportunity to recieve credit and the acknowledgment of acadamia for something that I've been so proud of my whole life. Though Arran is a small farming community with barely forty people now living in it, it's history is just as valuable as that of any other town. An early passage in Schmemann's work articulates what I've felt my whole life: "I believe everyone in a hidden corner of his soul has his Sergiyevskoye. For the Russians it does not have to be in Russia, or in France for the French: It is there where the soul first opened to recieve God's universe and its marvels...Sergeiyevskoye is that lost worldly paradise for which we all yearn, believing that if only we could return, we would be happy."(page 9) Arran is for me that place where all happy childhood memories lurk, where life is simple and you are welcomed no matter your past. Though I worked hard on the paper this year, it isn't what I had hoped. Limited to only 3500 words I found that there was so little I could say, so little justice I could do for the town I am so proud of. Though I only interviewed two people for my paper I struggled to fit in the many memories I feel are important to document and preserve for future generations. There are many towns like Arran in Western Canada. As the railroads began to decline and the tide turned toward urban life, shunning the rural life so many lived in years past, these small towns began to decline in the seventies, many simply no longer exist. Arran is teetering on the edge of oblivion with a tiny aging population and no industry to speak of. The school which I wrote about closed down in 1994 having lost the high school portion a few years prior. A journal article I read through my research stated that a town may lose its post office or its hospital and still survive but if it loses its school it is on the brink of death. Though Arran still survives thirteen years after the closing of its school, it's fading fast and I'm determined to record its residents stories and memories before it's lost to us for good. I don't know if what I'm planning will be of any good to anyone but myself, but the people of Arran and the town itself deserve to have their stories told. As this year has progressed I've come to realize that my passion may not be in teaching, but in research. Much as I've enjoyed my volunteering at the elementary school this year, it doesn't quite match the joy I feel at the completion of a research paper. Another story told, another voice heard. Two of my professors have been pushing me to continue, to go for my Masters in History and become a researcher and I'm beginning to realize that it has become my strength. The suggestion has been made that I should continue to work on my Arran project, interview more people and have it all published. Such a high mark from a notoriously tough teacher and the encouragement of two respected professors has given me the ability to see that in this I may find my stride; the one thing that I'll be proud to leave behind. One of my professors has requested that I meet with her brother-in-law who works with the University of Alberta. Through him and the Ukrainian History Dept. I may get guidance and funds to pursue this project further, to actually go out there to conduct my research and interviews. I've discovered that there are hundreds of pages worth of documentation pertaining just to the school, I can only hope there is at least that much pertaining to the town itself. Even if I don't make it to my Masters, at least I have done this little bit to honour the place which produced and nurtured my entire family. So I'll continue my research, I'll continue to work on compiling my documentation and hoping for more. I've been informed of a $4500 scholarship which I am entitled to for my research into Ukrainian-Canadian history and I'll keep hunting for more. My plan in the next few years is to expand on this first paper and do Arran the justice I feel it deserves, I know the story is worth being told.
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Trent Has Lost Yet Another [Feb. 8th, 2007|03:41 pm]
[mood | frustrated]
[music |DeWalt MP3 Mix]

Being one who has lost three friends to suicide over the years and countless others for stupid reasons, this is for all the rest who are in pain right now, not three months after they had already lost a friend to sucide.
I've been saying this since I saw the announcement, and I feel terrible for it, but thank the gods I didn't know him. What's awkward for me is how close his death is to the time of year that I think about Mikey and Phil. The end of this month will herald five and four years since we've lost them. Though I didn't know this boy, it still brought the same twinge of pain it always does when I think of it. I do, however, know a few of his friends and watching them go through the same anguish we all went through those years ago is just as painful as if I were to know him myself. James knew this boy, and knew the one who died three months ago as well. He's in the middle of writing a letter to the Arthur concerning the issue, not the typical 'he was so wonderful, seize the day, we'll never let this happen again' that we're so used to seeing, but a questioning of conscience for all of those who said the same only three months ago and it takes me back to the crusading I did after Phil killed himself. Once the grief has waned we revert to our previous glory, forgetting that we swore it would be different this time around. Make it different this time, my friends. Make it different this time.

No Coma - I Mother Earth

In time I’ll find why everyone out there
In the painted sun
Has already found their root... they’ve found home
And I’m tired of beating every drum
For old friends that never come
Went looking for them once... and found none

I’m so unwound
And I know in my own way I’m breaking down
Without screaming out loud
I’m facing up and reaching out
In the end I’ll come around so shut your mouth
’Cause I can’t stand or yell out...
Tell everyone I’m numb

Here lies the former undisturbed
A bit high and a candle burns
It’s goin’ all south... it’s all gone
A red face that hides in nervous hands
Once a better friend than an enemy
Will I make another run... or am I done

I’m so unwound
And I know in my own way I’m breaking down
Without screaming out loud
I’m facing up and reaching out
In the end I’ll come around so shut your mouth
’Cause I can’t stand or yell out...
Tell everyone I’m numb
Tell everyone I'm numb
Tell everyone I'm numb
Tell everyone I'm numb

Sometime I’ll line up everyone out there
In a late day sun
For one deep and final breath...

I’m so unwound
And I know in my own way I’m breaking down
Without screaming out loud
I’m facing up and reaching out
In the end I’ll come around so shut your mouth
’Cause I can’t stand or yell out...
Tell everyone I’m numb
Tell everyone I'm numb
Tell everyone I'm numb
Tell everyone I'm numb
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Bands to see Before I Die [Dec. 15th, 2006|01:15 am]
[music |Coldplay on MuchMusic]

Now, that's not coming anytime soon mind you...my death that is. (So sorry to disappoint) Anyway, I was thinking about this, I've had a list for quite a few years now. Odd that it really hasn't changed all that much since I was fifteen.

Here we go. This is in no particular order.
1. Coldplay
2. Nine Inch Nails
3. Deftones (when they played at Sanitarium it was crap)
4. Elton John
5. Garth Brooks
6. Reba McEntire

A rather random list, I know. However, most of you know about my really, really, wide music tastes. If you've been keeping up with my journals since 2001 when I started writing them you'll have seen songs from country to jazz to rock to metal to classical. I love it all. I've seen quite a few bands over the years, I've enjoyed every show I've been to, but those bands up at the top there are the ones I've yet to see and still dream about. What I wouldn't give to see those guys play. Michael always harrasses me about my obsession with concerts but they've always held a really important place in my life. Unfortunately these last few years I haven't been able to go to see many. Bills and school are far more important, difficult though that is to admit. I'd rather eat than see a band. Well.....usually. LOL.
Things have been going relatively well at school lately, the only class I'm still having issues with is English, I've gotten eighties and above in all of my other classes so far this year. My one and only mid-term exam is for my History of Africa course and that's next Thursday. We've got two christmases here, two Christmas parties to attend, apparently we're having a New Years party here, and we'll have the baby for a week so this break is going to be really busy. I've got a paper to start during the break and a book to read that'll help me with my interviewing skills so that I can continue with my quest to bring the history of my hometown in Saskatchewan to the public. I suppose I should background that. I've always been incredibly proud of my hometown. I was lucky to have all my family in one place. My grandparents from each side of the family were best friends for most of their lives and I know or am related to every single person still living there. I've decided that before the town is wiped from the face of the earth (which will most likely be soon since there are less than fifty people left) I want to talk to everyone and document their experiences. I think I'm going to use them as a base for a Master's thesis on small towns in Saskatchewan. Connecting, of course, to Ukrainians in Canada since most of the people there are Ukrainians. My Russian History professor is excited about helping me and she'll most likely be the one that I do my Masters under. She's a great lady and has many of the same interests as I do academically. Her connections at the University of Alberta will hopefully gain me some research grants for my work and perhaps some backing as well. I'm really excited about this, I'm determined that their stories be told. Once I'm finished I'll gather up all my tapes and send them to the Archives in Regina so that once I'm finished with my research other people will also benefit from what I've done.
I get overexcited about these things really easily, but I have such a passion for the things that everyone else considers obscure and pointless. I suppose, as they say, someone's got to do it.
Beyond all this, things are going well. I'd love to say that I have some profound reason for writing this time, but alas, this is just an entertainment value kind of post. Happy Holidays, which ever ones you celebrate.

Mim/Meg

If Tomorrow Never Comes - Garth Brooks

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
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A Clean, Well-Lighted Place [Dec. 3rd, 2006|04:59 pm]
[mood | gloomy]
[music |Galaxie Hot Country]

I don't generally post things like this. Short stories I mean. I wish I could take credit for this one because even Michael likes it. Alas, this one must be given to Ernest Hemingway. Written in 1933, I'm using this one for my second english essay of the year. I wish I could say that the essay is brilliant and that I'm going to get an A on it but I don't have such hopes. Not anymore. My professor is a bastard. Anyways, here it is, in all its glory. Please try to take the time to read it, it's wonderful. Keep in mind that this was written in the thirties and that it's set in Spain.

- Meg/Mim

It was late and every one had left the cafe except an old man who sat in the shadow the leaves of the tree made against the electric light. In th day time the stree was dusty, but at night the dew settled the dust and the old man liked to sit late because he was deaf and now at night it was quiet and he felt the difference. The two waiters inside the cafe knew that the old man was a little drunk, and while he was a good client they knew that if he became too drunk he would leave without paying, so they kept watch on him.
"Last week he tried to commit suicide," one waiter said.
"Why?"
"He was in despair."
"What about?"
"Nothing."
"How do you know it was nothing?"
"He has plenty of money."
They sat together at a table that was close against the wall near the door of the cafe and looked at the terrace where the tables were all empty except where the old man sat in the shadow of the leaves of the tree that moved slightly in the wind. A girl and a soldier went by in the stree. The stree light shone on the brass number on his collar. The girl wore no head covering and hurried beside him.
"The guard will pick him up," one waiter said.
"What does it matter if he gets what he's after?"
"He had better get off the street now. The guard will get him. They went by five minutes ago."
The old man sitting in the shadow rapped on his saucer with his glass. The younger waiter went over to him.
"What do you want?"
The old man looked at him. "Another brandy," he said.
"You'll be drunk," the waiter said. The old man looked at him. The waiter went away.
"He'll stay all night," he said to his colleague. "I'm sleepy now. I never get into bed before three o'clock. He should have killed himself last week."
The waiter took the brandy bottle and another saucer from the counter inside the cafe and marched out to the old man's table. He put down the saucer and poured the glass full of brandy.
"You should have killed yourself last week," he said to the deaf man. The old man motioned with his finger. "A little more," he said. The waiter poured on into the glass sot hat the brandy slopped over and rand own the step into the top saucer of the pile. "Thank you," the old man said. The waiter tok the bottle back inside the cafe. He sat down at the table with his colleague again.
"He's drunk now," he said.
"He's drunk every night."
"What did he want to kill himself for?"
"How shouldd I know."
"How did he do it?"
"He hung himself with a rope."
"Who cut him down?"
"His niece."
"Why did they do it?"
"Fear for his soul."
"How much money has he got?"
"He's got plenty"
"He must be eighty years old."
"Anyway I should say he was eighty."
"I wish he would go home. I never get to bed before three o'clock. What kind of hour is that to go to bed?"
"He stays up because he likes it."
"He's lonely. I'm not lonely. I have a wife waiting in bed for me."
"He had a wife once too."
"A wife would be no good to him now."
"You can't tell. He might be better with a wife."
"His niece looks after him. You said she cut him down."
"I know."
"I wouldn't want to be that old. An old man is a nasty thing."
"Not always. This old man is clean. He drinks without spilling. Even now, drunk. Look at him."
"I don't want to look at him. I wish he would go home. He has no regard for those who must work."
The old man looked from his glass across the square, then over at the waiters.
"Another brandy," he said pointing to his glass. The waiter who was in a hurry came over.
"Finished," he said, speaking with that omission of syntax stupid people employ when talking to drunken people or foreigners. "No more tonight. Close now."
"Another," said the old man.
"No. Finished." THe waiter wiped the edge of the table with a towel and shook his head.
The old man stood up, slowly counted the saucers, took a leather coin purse from his pocket and paid for the drinks, leaving half a peseta tip.
The waiter watched him go down the street, a very old man walking unsteadily but with dignity.
"Why didn't you let him stay and drink?" the unhurried waiter asked. They were putting up the shutters. "It is not half-past two."
"I want to go home to bed."
"What is an hour?"
"More to me than to him."
"An hour is the same."
"You talk like an old man yourself. He can buy a bottle and drink it at home."
"It's not the same."
"No, it is not," agreed the waiter with a wife. He did not wish to be unjust. He was only in a hurry.
"And you? You have no fear of going home before your usual time?"
"Are you trying to insult me?"
"No hombre, only to make a joke."
"No," the waiter who was in a hurry said, rising from pulling down the metal shutters. "I have confidence. I am all confidence."
"You have youth, confidence, and a job," the older waiter said. "You have everything."
"And what do you lack?"
"Everything but work."
"You have everything I have."
"No. I have never had confidence and I am not young."
"Come on. Stop talking nonsense and lock up."
"I am of those who like to stay late at the cafe," the older waiter said. "With all those who do not want to go to bed. WIth all those who need a light for the night."
"I want to go home and into bed."
"We are of two different kinds," the older waiter said. He was now dress to go home. "It is not only a question of youth and confidence although those things are very beautiful. Each night I am reluctant to close up because there may be someone who needs the cafe."
"Hombre, there are bodegas* open all night long." *warehouse or store
"You do not understand. This is a clean and pleasant cafe. It is well lighted. The light is very food and also, now, there are shadows of the leaves."
"Good night," said the younger waiter.
"Good night," the other said. Turning off the electric light he continued the conversation with himself. It is the light of course but it is necessary that the place be clean and pleasant. You do not want music. Certainly you do not want music. Nor can you stand before a bar with dignity although that is all that is provided for these hours. What did he fear? It was not fear or dread. It was a nothing that he knew too well. It was all a nothing and a man was nothing too. It was only that and light was all it neeed and a certain cleanness and order. Some lived in it and never felt it but he knew it all was nada y pues nada* y nada y pues nada. Our nada who art in nada, nada be thy name thy kingdom nada thy will be nada in nada as it is in nada. Give us this nada our daily nada and nada us our nada as we nada our nadas and nada us not into nada but deliver us from nada; pues nada. *nothing and then nothing etc
Hail nothing full of nothing, nothing is with thee. He smiled and stood before a bar with a shinking steam pressure coffee machine.
"What's yours?" asked the barman.
"nada."
"Otro loco mas,*" said the barman and turned away. *another crazy person
"A little cup," said the waiter.
The barman poured it for him.
"THe light is very bright and pleasant but the bar is unpolished." the waiter said.
The barman looked at him but did not answer. It was too late at night for conversation.
"You want another copita*?" the barman asked. *a sherry glass
"No, thank you," said the waiter and went out. He disliked bars and bodegas. A clean well-lighted cafe was a very different thing. Now, with out thinking further, he would go home to his room. He would lie in the bed and finally, with daylight, he would go to sleep. After all, he said to himself, it is probably only insomnia. Many must have it.

********************************************************************

I love the story and it means a great deal to me but could I write a one thousand word essay on irony and point of view in the story? Hell no, I expect I'll just get it back with the words "Meg/Mim, you just didn't get it," written on it. That's what the last paper said. I don't expect any more this time.....
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Family and School [Nov. 13th, 2006|01:02 pm]
[music |Hinder CD]

I don't post journals very often anymore but there are some times when I really feel like i need to. I don't do it for anyone else anymore, but for me.
My relationship with my parents in the last year has been incredible. They sleep over here from time to time, we all go out and do things together, and I talk to them over the phone at least once a week. Essentially, I spend more time talking, really talking, to them now than I ever have before. Two weeks ago I took mom and Michael to see the Kyiv Chamber Choir sing at the North York Centre for the Arts - somehow I scored fromt row seats - and the whole thing was incredible. When I found out that they were going to be in Toronto I immediately thought of Mom. She misses Arran so much and she misses my grandparents even more that something like that would mean so much to her. On our way there she told me not to expect too much because it probably wasn't going to be like I imagined. i.e. Sitting in church in Arran listening to the call and response sung in Ukrainian. Happily, it was exactly as we had hoped it would be. The first half was all church hymns, many of which mom knows and a few of which I recognized. The second half was all folk songs and I'd love to get a few of them on CD. Mom bought CDs for both of us even though it was supposed to be her Christmas present that we were going. ($178 for tickets) In the grand scheme of things, mom and I basically cried through the first half and Michael rolled his eyes at our girlish display of emotion. heh. For me it was the beauty of the sounds. I get overexcited over music, as we all well know, and hearing choral music is the very height of it all for me. They arranged the choir around the top balcony all around the auditorium and the effect was amazing, you could hear them coming from all around you, something like when you put on your headphones and the music feels like it's coming from inside your head right in the middle. Mom cried because she misses my grandparents and the music is all from her childhood. While Michael doesn't understand a word of Ukrainian beyond "perogies" and "Baba" he really enjoyed it. He has more of an appreciation for music than I originally thought when we started dating and like me he enjoys the feeling that really passionate music induces. The conductor for the choir is so incredibly passionate that he alone was enough to make me wipe away tears. He stood on the stage by himself for a few of the songs and conducted them all around the auditorium and watching him wave his arms and sing along with them was such a sight to see. The neat thing for mom was seeing the other choirs that were singing with them. It's sort of funny because I think mom was really surprised at the fact that a really obviously Asian kid could sing in Ukrainian. She leaned over to me and goes "That kid's Asian!!!" No kidding Mom...LOL. Also a neat thing, my Russian history Professor was also there to see the show. Now, I need to explain this. My Russian history prof has got to be the coolest lady at Trent. She has a wonderful sense of humour and she's incredibly passionate about what she's teaching. By far my favourite class this year. So she caught sight of me in the lobby and got all excited and I got all excited and Michael rolled his eyes. LOL.
What I really enjoy about all of this contact with my parents is Michael and Dad are best friends these days. They work on our house and their house together like two peas in a pod, have tons to talk about, and just generally get along great. Grandma came out from Saskatchewan with my great Uncle Wilf three weeks ago and spent three days with us and it was the greatest feeling for me. Our house was packed. Grandma, uncle Wilf, Dad, Michael, Ronan, me and for a few hours on Saturday Elisha. Mom had a show to go to with Cathy otherwise she would've been there too. For three days I was surrounded by my most favourite people on the planet and was actually able to experience what it's like to be around family that you adore. In some ways I'm glad that we bought a house that was essentially falling apart at the seams because it has meant a great relationship for Michael and I and my parents. Mom and I tidy up and cook while Dad and Michael break things and then fix them again. I do wish that I had more time with Katrina and that things could get resolved with Melissa....they should have a relationship with their dad. There's little that I personally can do in that manner...it's all up to the three of them to resolve. I can only suggest to Michael.
In the school sphere of things I hate English 2000 and theory is retarded. The class is a waste of time and I'm not enjoying it at all. What university course requires that you do homework once a week plus essays? Stupid. History of Education in Canada is a bust, I know everything already from high school history. The only entertaining thing is the essays for the course. I'm able to focus on Saskatchewan and my second one will be an oral history paper of Arran. My African history half courses are going so-so. I mean, it's interesting stuff and I think I'll do alright marks wise but I'm hoping that the second half which covers post 1880 will be more enjoyable. As I've already said, my Russian history course is awesome, added as well the fact that we don't have to do any research essays. Only book reviews. I love that woman. This year is just essays on top of essays and I'm a little tired of it. I have something of a short break here but it'll be back into it in about a week. Essentially, things are insane. As per usual. There you go. An update.
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Let's just say I have other priorities [Aug. 19th, 2006|08:47 pm]
[mood | tired]
[music |whatever's on Musicmatch]

I know it's been a long time but things have been crazy.
Not only did the frame for my CPU fan break thereby rendering my computer useless (it kept overheating), I went home to Saskatchewan for a week; had the baby for another week afterward; looked after Sean's son Jacob for three days; now the baby is back; and then Heather will be here for a week. I'm tired. I'm really tired.
Well, once I finished my summer course (81%) in the middle of July, I got a whole seven days to myself. LOL. So much for summer. Grand total, I get three weeks of "summer vacation" as it were. Although, I suppose I shouldn't complain; I probably would've been bored stupid if I weren't doing all that. If anything else, I haven't been bored this summer.
Going out home was wonderful, I finally got to show Michael where I'm from and I had a wonderful week with my grandmother. I've been so worried about her since Grandpa died this spring, but really it turns out that I had no need to worry. She certainly misses him, but at the same time she has much more freedom. Grandpa didn't like her leaving home to go visit people because he would then have 'no one to take care' of him, and he refused to go with her most places. That means that she had little opportunity to come out here and visit or go out to Alberta to see her family. She's been all over the place already and she has futher plans which also include coming out here sometime this fall.
My choice of courses this year means I'm only in class Wednesdays, Thursdays and every other Friday. While being on campus from nine a.m. to ten p.m. twice a week is going to blow, it'll be good because I'll have ample time to slack off when I should be doing my work on all the other days. ;-) (I wish). The courses I'm taking this year may very well kill me with how heavy they are: Russian History, History of Education in Canada, African History, English Theory and some kind of half-psych that I can't currently remember. African history is a half course as well which means I only have four courses this year thanks to my garbage summer course that I hated because the teacher was an idiot and didn't actually teach. (Run-on sentence on purpose). It's gonna be a tough year since three of my five courses are essay-heavy but at least it'll keep me occupied. The scholarships that I racked in for this year are going to be a major assist to our finances but I'll still have to put a fair bit of cash in for books and some of tuition.
While this summer has been busy it's been lonely as well. With Michael finally having a full time job I'm alone a lot. It seems I've lost my touch at making friends easily, or at least making friends that stick. Once school was over in April that was the end of it. Most of the people that I met through school went back to their respective towns to do summer jobs and stay with their families. The ones from Newmarket and area have all mostly moved on to wherever they're attending university, or to wherever they got post-University careers. Those that are still in the area don't drive or don't have time, or just don't think to keep in contact. I bless those of you that have remembered that I still exist; but I'm lonely. Were it more possible for me to get around, trust me I would. I turned 21 last month....happy birthday to me and thanks to those who remembered. Here I hope and pray that I'll make more friends this coming year, and here I hope for those that will stay.......

Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most


I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
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My Grandpa Crow [May. 20th, 2006|02:08 pm]
I woke from a dream this morning of my grandmother trying to get my aunt and I to get along to find Michael holding the phone out to me. Grandma was calling to tell me that early this morning my grandpa Wendel died of a heartattack as they were trying to drive him to Kamsack to the hospital. Truly, their truck would get to Kamsack faster than the ambulance would get to Arran and back...he was only 65 and aside from a broken ankle this winter he's always been in prime shape. Like most farming men, my grandfather didn't believe in admitting to any sort of sickness and although he complained like the best when there was a problem he never did much of anything to fix them. As far as he's concerned, doctors are crooks and only goes to them after much screaming from my grandmother. Although he isn't my biological grandfather, Grandpa Wendel was the only one I acknowledge on my dad's side. He was there for me a hell of a lot more than my dad's dad ever was/is. My grandfather was stubborn, grumpy, self-centred and moody 99% of the time but I was the only one of the grandkids that ever really sat to listen to him. In the last year I've spent hours on the phone with him just shooting the breeze. Maybe that's why he gave me things and hugged me far more than he did the other kids. My grandparents were married in 1982 and they've argued ever since I can remember, but it was never for lack of love for one another. They're just both incredibly stubborn. Now that grandpa is gone I haven't a single idea what grandma is going to do. Although she is the heart and soul of my little hometown and she still has quite a few people to look after, I know it's going to be a struggle for her now that grandpa is gone. It breaks my heart that I can't go out there right now to be with her, to be there for the funeral....he was my godfather and my grandfather. When he slipped me a fifty dollar bill just before I left three years ago, the whole family nearly fell over. Grandpa was never one to spoil us, he gave us the hard facts of life, the truth, those things that most never recieve. I loved him dearly, I truly wanted Michael to meet him....they've gotten along so well in the last year. On the phone they spoke like old friends, the honesty between them was incredible and I feel such a loss knowing that they'll now never meet. I'm down to one grandparent now and for the first time in my life, she's the one that needs care. My grandmother cried on the phone today, something I've never in my life heard and I can't be there this week to help her through... We've had plans to go out there this summer since last summer really, if money permits. Now, it seems, it all the more important that we do. My grandmother is going to need a lot of support.

I love you Grandpa Crow....
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O.K. That's just the sweetest thing ever. [Apr. 6th, 2006|10:00 pm]
[mood | grateful]
[music |Quake 4]

I found this on www.thestar.com just now. Nearly brought me to tears. That's officially the most noble thing ever.

********************************************************************


African chiefs donate aid to Katrina victims
Apr. 6, 2006. 07:45 PM


BATON ROUGE, La. (AP) — Five chiefs of small villages in the West African country Cameroon gave the state of Louisiana $868 U.S. in donations from their villagers who were moved by the plight of hurricane Katrina victims.

The amount may have been small but represented a huge sum in a land where the average salary is the equivalent of 45 cents a day.

The chiefs presented the donations from 3,000 villagers to the state Senate on Wednesday. Individual donations ranged from two cents to $5. A 9-year-old boy donated 25 cents he had been saving to buy school supplies.

"They said they saw pictures of the storm on television," said state Senator Robert Adley.

"They thought all of Louisiana was gone and their people were frightened" for Louisiana residents.

Adley said the chiefs began working together with the Shreveport-Bossier Community Renewal organization in 2005 to improve their villages. The chiefs went to Louisiana with funding supplied by a group of churches in the Shreveport area, said David Westerfield, communications director for the renewal group.

******************************************************

K so not everyone's an asshole after all.
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Angie. How Wondrous [Apr. 1st, 2006|10:47 pm]
[mood | peaceful]

I still don't have the new CD but I found this on his myspace. I only went because Monica added me. Anyway, here's a poem Angie Aparo wrote. One of my favourite singers of all time. Opened for Matchbox Twenty in 01. I've owned several of his CDs twice or threetimes over because I keep sharing with friends and buying new ones. Essentially, here we are.

**************************************************************************

This is something he wrote and posted on MySpace last year. I know why I love him now.

Red Neck

By:Angie Aparo

Your father had a pocket knife
The same one he kept with him during the war
The war that took most of the world’s children
When he returned home the bone handle was worn from worry and survival
And he never used it again, not even for errands around the farm

When you were ten years old the men came to visit
In white sheets and pointed hats
They tried to use your poverty to pit you against those who were different
But your father said no and returned to the plow

When it was your turn to serve your father knew
He knew what the night felt like in the jungle
And how tiresome the unknown becomes
And how wonderfully familiar an old pocket knife feels in your hand
And he cried when he gave it to you
Because he knew you would need it

There were two harvests before you returned home
And when you arrived your father looked tired
The sun made the outline of his t-shirt on his neck
Branded by cancer and scarlet
His badge for a lifetime of feeding his family
And you knew you were his greatest achievement

You maintained the farm after his death
But even your business degree couldn’t stop it
The corporations came and grew mutated radish in efficient pods
The fields were maintained by air-conditioned robots
And your father’s work seemed ancient
Like dust thrown from a rusted truck
Like vacant store windows
And the bank foreclosed

Now your children have satellites and microwaves
And no time for callus and thorn
Their skin is sheltered and soft
And their comfort is your badge
The vegetables are deliciously efficient
And the dinner table holds a computer, car keys
And a pocket knife with a bone handle

************************************************************
That is all.
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As I said before: Because I knew we'd all be friggin' surprised [Mar. 27th, 2006|11:46 pm]
[mood | amused]

My Inner Hero - Wizard!



I'm a Wizard!


There are many types of magic, but all require a sharp mind and a cool head. There is no puzzle I can't solve, no problem I can't think my way out of. When you feel confused or uncertain, you can always rely on me to untangle the knots and put everything back in order for you.



How about you? Click here to find your own inner hero.

I'm in need of a Rogue. Paul has already accepted the position of a Warrior.
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My Head Is Retarded Sometimes [Mar. 27th, 2006|11:27 pm]
[mood | confused]
[music |Galaxie tv channels]

I discussed this mere months ago if I'm not mistaken...ah hell...we're doing it again anyway. Suck it up if you're bored

Anyway, topic of discussion:
How many of you guys have been off in your own little world writing a paper, washing the dishes, walking down the street, or just generally screwing around while absently listening to music in the background? Most of you? Hands? Yes, I thought so. Anyway, my life in the last two months has been reduced to: major essays and papers for class, dishes, laundry, and the occasional escape to Newmarket or Richmond Hill or whatever to go get someone. During this time I've made rather heavy use of the galaxie channels on the tv. You know the music stations in the 900s? Anyway, because I'm generally doing 28 things at once I don't usually pay much attention to what it is I'm listening to/singing. Singing without realizing it happens a lot more often than one would think. Anyone who's lived with me at one time or another will attest to that.
Anyway: (gods I'm long winded when I get right down to it).
Anyway: the point to all this is again music. I was in my own little world looking up Derek Walcott on the internet and singing along with the RockAlternative station (channel 903) not really paying attention to the song until about half way through I realized that it was 3 Libras - A Perfect Circle (see below) and my stomach did funny little flip flops and things and I got this huge memory flash of being about 15 or 16. You know, that kind of crap happens so often to me it isn't funny; a song comes on and not only does it stir up memories, it damned near deposits me right in the middle of them for minutes at a time. How's a girl supposed to function with that crap going on all the time? I mean, people go on and on about how your teen years will be your best and all that jazz, I just never figured mine would be all that memorable. DAMMIT here we go again Seven Nation Army - the White Stripes. SEE?! Man....
Essentially, going through it, my teen years essentially blow and if you're still reading it means you lived at least some of it with me so I don't need to explain. For the most part, I could just wash my hands of it. I mean, yes there were some fabulous times, but I can't say there were enough of them to be worthy of all these bloody flashbacks and nonsense.
Quiz: Bet you can't place those two songs in my past history. Well..maybe Andrew can place one of them, but I don't promise anything.
This kind of stuff doesn't happen really with songs that I listen to rather frequently though, that means whatever's on my mp3 currently (300-odd songs) is safe from a flashback -- but if I turn on the radio, listen to these music channels, or whatever I just get messed up some days. It's nearly frustrating sometimes. Generally, they're good flashbacks; but some of them really could just no longer exist. That White Stripes song may as well just burn itself at the stake, really.
Some stuff is so intense that I can even feel the atmosphere of the memory, the temperature of a certain night standing outside McDonalds with the McChronicles bunch -- opressively humid -- (Stereo - The Watchmen), my shoes killing my feet after standing at the front of the stage at The Reverb for too long after being on the subway forever (I - Taproot) or the colour of the sunrise the morning my grandmother died (Don't Worry - Appleton). Is anyone else just as screwed up as me, or am I just still bent on remembering the past?
As an aside, I have had brutally vivid dreams in the last week. To the point where I could tell you last night's dream down to the colour of the rickshaw I was in on a mini golf course that we ended up on because I told them to turn left when we should've turned right, the people that showed up at Laura's birthday party in the gym of Our Lady of the Annunciation when it was still on Bond Crecent -- which I haven't been in for 15 years -- and who I ran into while I was rushing out of there -- Rob from OLA -- in the middle of the party to go grab a shower at my parents house --which is actually MY current house (no incongruity to the fact that I'd be taking a rickshaw from Oak Ridges to Peterborough)-- talking to Adam Vella (who we were going to drop off on the way, and why we took a wrong turn) and the two guys who were running the rickshaw that no one was actually driving, about how long they had been running it, that this was going to be their last run of the night even though the time of day switched from late afternoon, to mid morning, to night time back to late afternoon when they dropped me off back at the party, having never actually made it back to my house.
My brain is dumb.

3 Libras - A Perfect Circle

And I threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name
In your recollection
Down among a million same

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I've looked right through
See you naked but oblivious
And you don't
See
Me

But I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
And see through
See you

So I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Oh well
Oh well
Apparently nothing
Apparently nothing at all

You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
see me!
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all


Apathetic Dreamscape

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams;
Dreams I dare not meet in life,
Shadows pass my eyes;
Fingers touch eternity.

Praying for all it\'s worth,
Glancing to the ever dying light.
Sunset gleams and winks;
Ever knowing, silent smiling.

Concluded days surely fought,
I pass the forgotten wheres.
Sleeping, chasing, struggle,
I pass, I proceed, it changes.

Sift through the truth;
Come up with lying fires.
Tomorrow may tell of today,
But looking back destroys.

Search your eyes,
Fathom the future.
Shadows and eternity,
Dreaming awake.

May 26, 2003

Sometimes I suppose I need memory to get me through what is now.
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Because I figured everyone would be totally fucking surprised [Mar. 21st, 2006|01:39 pm]
You scored as Goth.

Goth

81%

Loser

69%

Nerdy Girl

56%

Hippy

50%

Athletic Tomboy

50%

Slut

50%

Popular Bitch

13%

Preppy Girl

0%

What type of girl are you?!!
created with QuizFarm.com
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Mikey(4)Phil(3)Brent(soon 2) [Mar. 2nd, 2006|12:37 am]
[mood | sad]
[music |The things I imagined would be right for this]

For years I've observed the passing of these days.....there should be nothing to observe.

I've been thinking about Phil for weeks, and if I'm not mistaken I've been dreaming about him as well. My dreams have been so odd lately, that I'm pretty sure he was mixed in there with all the other memories that have been flooding back. I don't think a lot about Mikey these days. I haven't for a while. His death, although it really upset me, has never seemed as real as Phil's death. I think the added fact that Phil died a year short two days after Mike is what makes his so much more painful. They were all so young. Mikey was seventeen when he killed himself on 28 February 2002. Phil had just turned sixteen in January when he killed himself on 26 February 2003. Brent was going to turn eighteen shortly after his death 26 May 2004 thanks to a drunk driver. His father had died just two weeks prior. They say it gets easier as time goes on. It doesn't get any easier, it just becomes something you're used to. I'm used to my friends being dead. Should that be right? At twenty should I have to be accustomed to the fact that three teenagers will never marry? Never have a house of their own like I do? Never watch their children grow? Although I greatly miss my grandparents, I've accepted it. They died after long lives of happiness. Those three never got the chance. Two never gave themselves the opportunity. As I'm sure you've all heard me say many times, suicide is the most selfish, pointless, rediculous, devistating way for someone to die. Will we not learn?
Mom cut their memorials out of the paper for me this week. This is the first time in three years that I haven't been asked to add my name to one of them for Phil. I haven't talked to his parents since I gave his dad Rob the yearbook I had passed around for everyone to sign. I remember how heartbroken I was when the spine cracked. It felt like another stab at the fact that Phil was dead. I had Michael go with me when I gave Rob the yearbook and I haven't been able to speak to them since. It just seems harder now. I used to call them every few months to see how they were doing. They're such good people. Linny will be fourteen this year. I can only imagine what it would be like to grow up without your brother. I find it hard enough having grown up so much since last I talked to Chris. He's not even biologically my brother. But he was there. He was there for me when Mikey died, and again when Phil died. By the time Brent was gone, mostly so was my brother. I was so angry....and he couldn't see why.....I was hurt that he would side with her. When he knew what she said about me all the time. I could give a good goddamn what people say about me, but I would expect my own brother to defend me when someone says such hurtful things. Not strike up a friendship with them again after so long of not talking to them.
Brent would be in University now. He was such a smart kid. It made me sick sometimes how well he did. But he was such a great kid that I could never really fault him for the good things that came to him so easily. He slipped so quickly, so effortlessly, into the role of a police officer in law class when we were running the mock trial. I remember thinking that he should scrap his art dreams for being an officer. I have little respect for them, but a lot of respect for Brent. He deserved to be able to live his life. His mother and brother deserved to have him by them, not buried. Life is so complicated, so unruly when you wish for it to be simple and good.
I've been meaning to write Rob and Cathy a letter. I figured that was the next best thing to calling them since I wouldn't know what to say anymore. It just doesn't seem fair to call them and tell them how well I've been doing. How do you tell the parents of a suicide teenager that life goes on for everyone else irrespective of how much they hurt for the past? A few times I've wanted to tell them about how Phil's death could have very well been what saved Eveline's life. She never knew Phil, but she came to the funeral with the rest of us and I saw something in her after it that I think was the light of realization. She never again tried to hurt herself after that day. How do I tell Cathy that her son's death could have very well been what saved the life of another? In some ways I want to tell her because I want her to know that Phil has touched so many more people than she realizes.
I will save no more lives. There will be no more lives that need saving.
I vow this.


Goodbye - Mudvayne

Pendulum stops and falls away
Life sifted through like sand
Storms of summer rain
Flooding lifelines in our hands
Our skin of blood and bone
Gently closed to dust and blows
Our home of blood and bone
Pulls through the ground and
So unstoppable
These feelings of loss
So unstoppable

Egging through to the marrow of bones
Just let it go
Pain welling in your eyes
Just let me go
Dry the tears that fall
And remember
When everything is typical
I’ll be the wish upon a star
I’ve found a place so magical
Goodbye....


See you another goodbye
I see you another goodbye
I See you another goodbye
See you another...

Peeling killers rise
Precious circle is mended
Sense vertigo in you
So I’ll be your handle
So unstoppable
My love for you
So unstoppable
Memories of you

Just remember
When everything is typical
I’ll be the wish upon a star
I’ve found a place so magical
But still please...

Someone, Help Me, Grab Me, Save Me Now,
Distrust, Darkened, Daylight, I’ve lost sight
Someone, Help Me, Grab Me, Save Me Now,
Distrust, Darkened, Daylight, I’ve lost sight

Remember
That nothing here is typical
I’ll be the wish upon a star
I’ve lost something so magical
And gone so far
Just remember
When everything seems difficult
I’ll be shining from afar
When it feels like things have gone away
I’ll see you again


I’ll see you again, Goodbye
I’ll see you again, Goodbye
I’ll see you again, Goodbye
I’ll see you again, Goodbye
I’ll see you again, Goodbye....

This time of year....it always upsets me. I miss you, my boys.

Honest

I’m waiting in the unnatural light of something that isn’t there
It’s secretive and I’m alone so it’s okay
The end of forgetting and remembering and thinking and feeling
All meshed like the ingredients for sausage
It’s all unrecognizable and the colour is all wrong
Blank just because of an overload of information
It’s fine. I’ll be fine. Everything’s fine.
Tomorrow.
That’s when
I promise.
But no one ever believes me
Because I don’t believe me
It may move to the background
Sit in the back seat of the van of my mind
By the way, there’s no one driving.
It’s fine. I’ll be fine. Everything’s fine.
Honest.
Pink-cheeked babies steal the spotlight
All else fails and no one is looking.
Everyone’s sad
Everyone is lonely
Truth be told, no one really believes
I don’t speak for the masses
Do I?
No.
The masses don’t listen
They cower behind one another and corporate whitewash
For the fuck ups that they create in an effort to make life better
Better?
Or worse?
Perspective it’s about perspective and that screws up truth
It doesn’t exist.
Perspective.
It’s all asinine and bitter all because you swore there would be a change.
I’m still standing on a street that doesn’t exist
Waiting for something that will never come.
It’s fine. I’ll be fine. Everything’s fine.
Honest.
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Long Time Coming [Jan. 20th, 2006|09:15 pm]
[mood | loved]
[music |Whatever the heck is handy]

I haven't posted anything since November, and for those who are pissed off because of that: you couldn't really be that upset because it isn't as though any of you have called or emailed to be sure I'm still breathing.

If you'll take stock of my journal entries since I started posting in '01 you'll most likely note that I only do so when hysterical, really happy, or extremely bored. I've been none of those things in the last while....okay not true. Those times when I've been any of those things I haven't posted because it's just none of a lot of people's damned business. I miss the days when I was able to post absolutely anything I was feeling because only those who were my friends bothered to read my journals. As my journals became more infamous over the years, different sorts of people started reading my journals. Though it's true they're still mostly frequented by those I love, there are still quite a few people who insist on reading my journals out of what I assume is near malice or bitterness and then using the information they have to somehow exploit me or what they've learned. Hence, little of the important things in life make it to my journals any longer. Yes, that sucks for those of you that truly want to still be in the loop and can't afford the phone bills it would take, nor the hours of email trading, but think of it as a lesson in what happens when people who no longer get along with you have nothing better to do. Back when I posted almost daily I had a bit of an ordeal with really spectacular responses from people who were no longer a part of my life and Michael suggested I begin to write in a hardcopy journal in order to avoid further occurences. It's sort of ironic that he should say that since I began an electronic journal just before Kevin and I broke up in an effort to keep my thoughts safe from the prying eyes of my parents. A few months ago, frustrated at not being able to freely express my thoughts, I seriously considered beginning another journal elsewhere and just handing out the link to a very few people. A few days later I googled my own name and quickly decided it was unwise for me to do so. I say this because my name is so goddamned rare that when you type it in you get hits for myself and about four other people. Again, I wish my name was commonplace. Instead, I keep a running tally in my own head these days. The fact that I have to do that really disappoints me. I went back through my old journals in my Deadjournal last week and I enjoyed reading my submissions. I'll never be able to do that relying only on memory. Yes, I'm excellent with dates and things, but only for so long. When I'm 42 am I going to remember the exact date I met so-and-so any longer? Mostly doubtful. Perhaps one day I'll figure something else out, perhaps one day I'll stop keeping a journal entirely......my life since August has been full of laughter, full of tears, lots of frustrations too.....but all in all, I'm the happiest I've been in many many years. Even my parents have had to concede to that.
There's so much I wish I could just spill out. There's so much that needs to be released but I know far too well that many things I wish to spill out would cause so many problems I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. No longer do my journals pertain to me alone. Ninety percent of what I would wish to say involves other people so deeply that it's almost not even my own story to tell. I could easily brush off any harm that could come to myself, but I couldn't bear bringing harm on those I love, and there are too many people that still wish myself and those I care about great harm.
Tonight is January 20th 2006. As I look at the closest journal post from this time last year I realise how little has changed, yet how much really has. A whole new life has opened itself for me yet at the same time my old life seems to be trying so desperately to hold on and cause pain. If at this time last year you would have told me I would be where I am, I would have laughed at you. I'm still me though, only so much happier.
My only wish, if I could have a star to do it on, would be for the past to stay in the past; for other people to move forward and not dwell so much on what was and is obviously not productive to wallow in.
I've stepped forward.
Why haven't they?


The Bed of the Phoenix

I dreamed long ago that the angels would come collect me from the ashes
I never imagined that they would leave me lying there so broken
Staring up at what I thought were the stars, I called out to a god I wasn't sure was there at all

I sensed then that I was alone, truly abandoned

I realize now that nothing was as I had believed just then
The angels wouldn't have come had I pleaded any further
The god I was never sure of was in fact not there
And never would be.

The ashes were meant to be my salvation then, I thought.
Like an unruly phoenix, I thought to rise on my own
Shocked was I when I realized I could not.

I waited not patiently for someone to save me
From what I was unsure
I didn't care who or what would be there,
Just that they would lift me from my shambles.

I knew early on that I would never be able to save myself
I had no right to my own life and must wait for one who would want me
Were they not to come, I would forever lay there staring up at what I thought were stars
Never realizing they were but paper

Was I lucky then that you hauled me from my dark bed of nothing?
I stood with the help only you could provide
Not cleansed by the fire, but tarnished by it.
I had succumbed to the fire hoping to be reborn
Yet I was nothing of the sort when I opened my blackened eyes
To the bright daylight I had so long ago forgotten.

Stared in awe at a world that had been reborn, not I.
Bright shatters, bright sounds, bright endings I never imagined.

You polished me to match the world I had yet to grasp
I stumbled and fell when you weren’t there
Was held, cherished when you stood near

I am what you’ve taught me to be
I am what I promised myself I’d be.

You don’t yet know how you’ve saved me
Cold I was lying in my bed of ashes
My bed of nothingness

Not angels, not gods, not anything I believed before.

A phoenix borne of nothing
I am risen
I am free.

Nov 7 2005
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Four Walls - Missing my grandparents. [Nov. 9th, 2005|11:19 pm]
[mood | melancholy]
[music |Four Walls - Randy Travis]

Four Walls - Randy Travis

My Grandpa farmed for a livin'
Content to live the simpler kind of life
My Grandma worked in the kitchen
Awfully proud to be that farmers wife.

Chorus:
They used to say
That they got everything that they need
Each morning they wake up
Four walls, three words, two hearts, one love.


Here I am, ring on my finger
Grandpa's little grandson all grown up
I found my rock, and I plan to keep her
I wish they were here to see the two of us.

Chorus:
They'd be proud to know
We've got everything that we need
Each morning we wake up
Four walls, three words, two hearts, one love.


With the highway twice as wide
And the farmlands subdivided
It's good to know that somethings never change
I'm still lovin' and I'm still livin'
By those simple words of wisdom
Life and love come down to just four things.

My Grandpa, Lord knows I miss him
And the way that he and Grandma looked at life
And each day I count my blessings
To have that kind of love here by my side.


Chorus:
No matter what
We know we got everything that we need
Each morning we wake up
Four walls, three words, two hearts, one love.

Yeah We've got everything we need
Between the two of us
Four walls, three words, two hearts, one love...



******************************************************************************

It kills me how often songs can make me cry. Absolutely kills me. I've been hunting this one down for over a month because I bawled my eyes out the first and only time I heard it. It's been common knowledge for years now how much I love my grandparents and how much I miss them. This song absolutely describes them down to the letter. I hear stuff like this and it reminds me of how they were before they got sick. On their sixtieth wedding anniversary we had our first and only family reunion and had a huge party for them at the North Hall. I think it was one of the first times I ever saw them dance together. I'll never forget their smiles that day. It meant so much to them that we were all there with them and that we went through so much trouble to make it special. There were at least fifty people there that day, including a family member that had hunted us down for years once she found out she had been adopted. She was my grandparents niece. I was told just after they died that my grandparents had for years been the musical ones in the family, singing songs in perfect harmony for everyone at get-togethers. They loved eachother passionately all their lives. The nine year age difference never once caused them a problem. They built the farm together from the ground up, never slaughtered their own pigs and cows because they were like family and each had names, and never forgot to tell us kids how much they loved us. I always wanted a love like theirs and it breaks my heart that they'll never see us and how happy we are. We may not have built our house, but we've made it a home and "And each day I count my blessings/To have that kind of love here by my side". I'm incredibly proud of the way my life has come around. I've made of myself what I've been hoping for for years. I've found a family and a love that means the world to me. "No matter what/We know we got everything that we need/Each morning we wake up/Four walls, three words, two hearts, one love."
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Guess what. I can write. AGAIN! [Nov. 7th, 2005|02:27 pm]
[mood | pleased]
[music |Clint Black]

I think I had more fun with this one than usual. It's been a long time since I've written something that looks and feels this way. I'm excited about my once again newfound ability to write. There's purpose and meaning to the placement of each line in connection to the surrounding ones, and I think that's what took me the longest. *HOWEVER* Be damned if I can remember how to get DJ to do proper unnatural pagebreaks and I don't think I have the patience. SO. If you want to see it in all it's glory, go here: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/24947793/
I suppose the fact that it was never resolved is why I still write about it and my side of it.


Left
Heavens, couldn’t you have known the truth,
The touch of my breath on your cheek
The mark you left
Honesty has broken its back trying to show through
Yet the eyes of desire closed to its sway.

Cold oceanic rain washes away what used to be

Left behind are the leftovers, the leave-ins, and the left socialist-communist pieces
Poison seeps in through a crack in your belief
Know you who left it there?
Surely you recall just a moment before.
A piece in time you held never to forget

I knew then as I know now the danger of not allowing that seam to be healed.

That seed planted long before I
Will burrow itself deeper within long after I am forgotten
Long after I’ve left
Long before you realize

Should you know then, my faith in you?

I shan’t forget how it felt
Should you know then the pains honesty went through?

Still bitter are the memories I have of your words
Unfounded, piecemeal, irrational.
Truth doesn’t apply when
you
want
a reason.


I'm incredibly proud of this one. I'm as yet unsure of where it came from, but I do know who I've written it about. Though not inherently *happy* it does express how I've felt of late.
Perhaps I really did need a break from writing.



The Bed of the Phoenix

I dreamed long ago that the angels would come collect me from the ashes
I never imagined that they would leave me lying there so broken
Staring up at what I thought were the stars, I called out to a god I wasn't sure was there at all

I sensed then that I was alone, truly abandoned

I realize now that nothing was as I had believed just then
The angels wouldn't have come had I pleaded any further
The god I was never sure of was in fact not there
And never would be.

The ashes were meant to be my salvation then, I thought.
Like an unruly phoenix, I thought to rise on my own
Shocked was I when I realized I could not.

I waited not patiently for someone to save me
From what I was unsure
I didn't care who or what would be there,
Just that they would lift me from my shambles.

I knew early on that I would never be able to save myself
I had no right to my own life and must wait for one who would want me
Were they not to come, I would forever lay there staring up at what I thought were stars
Never realizing they were but paper

Was I lucky then that you hauled me from my dark bed of nothing?
I stood with the help only you could provide
Not cleansed by the fire, but tarnished by it.
I had succumbed to the fire hoping to be reborn
Yet I was nothing of the sort when I opened my blackened eyes
To the bright daylight I had so long ago forgotten.

Stared in awe at a world that had been reborn, not I.
Bright shatters, bright sounds, bright endings I never imagined.

You polished me to match the world I had yet to grasp
I stumbled and fell when you weren’t there
Was held, cherished when you stood near

I am what you’ve taught me to be
I am what I promised myself I’d be.

You don’t yet know how you’ve saved me
Cold I was lying in my bed of ashes
My bed of nothingness

Not angels, not gods, not anything I believed before.

A phoenix borne of nothing
I am risen
I am free.
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[Nov. 7th, 2005|12:51 pm]
Scroll down and read the bottom article. That's just mean. Only an American woman would be that creative.

http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Layout/Article_Type1&call_pageid=971358637177&c=Article&cid=1131230997282&DPL=IvsNDS%2f7ChAX&tacodalogin=yes
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Somehow Dave is...eviler...more evil....more badder than me. [Nov. 7th, 2005|12:17 pm]
[music |Coldplay]

Strangely, as Mirandah I'm only 37% evil. Scratch your head over that.


What type of evil creature are you?
Name:
Mortal Age:
Hair Color:
In your spare time you like to:
If you could be any animal, it would be a:
You are a: Vampire
You kill this many people: 4771865
You steal this much money from your lifeless victims: $483,657.85
People are overall scared shitless of you... FALSE
Overall evil level: - 78%
This Quiz by VampireChild - Taken 373 Times.
</a>
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology

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Awww....... Dave started it....honest! [Nov. 1st, 2005|07:21 pm]
[mood | chipper]


my pet!


Damn he's cute. Clearly I needed yet another pet. LOL
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Sometimes...you know.... [Oct. 27th, 2005|12:34 pm]
Staind - Reality

The lights are on but you're not home
You've drifted off somewhere alone
Somewhere that's safe
No questions here
A quiet place
Where you hide from your fears

Chorus:
Sometimes when you're out of rope
The way to climb back up's unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?

Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?

So you sedate and drown in vain
You've got a pill for every day
A suit and tie to mask the truth
Its ugly and its starting to show through

Chorus:
Sometimes when you're out of rope
The way to climb back up's unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?

Bridge:
The monster you're feeding
Your lack of perception
The things you do
To fulfill your addictions
The light at the end of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you're so afraid of exposing?
You'd give it all up for what's there for the taking
Whatever it takes to keep your hands from shaking
The same things you're thinking might make you feel better
The same things that probably got you here


Chorus:
Sometimes when you're out of rope
The way to climb back up's unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?

Bridge:
The monster you're feeding
Your lack of perception
The things you do
To fulfill your addictions
The light at the end of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you're so afraid of exposing?
You'd give it all up for what's there for the taking
Whatever it takes to keep your hands from shaking
The same things you're thinking might make you feel better
The same things that probably got you here
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