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[Sunday
November 30th, 2008] |
i miss my old self so freaking much.
i was so happy, wallowing in my unhappiness.
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[Sunday
September 7th, 2008] |
since no one actually writes in this anymore, i feel its a good place to really get my thoughts out.
today was the most awkward moment of my life ever. i walked in on tom masturbating, and i was the one who was more embarassed than he. he just clicked off the porn, and pulled up his pants. as if nothing had happened. i don;t know why this is bothering me as much as it is, but its rather disturbing.
and moreso, the fact that tom has alot of female friends is starting to get on my nerves. mainly because i really don't associate with any male that he isn't friends with or knows who is and knows won't try anything with me. but then again a huge part of the reason for this is because im actually intimidated by most guys and feel that they won't like me the minute they meet me. i really don't think that im all that great and thats probably why most people never further aqaintances or friendships with me. another part of this is that i don't really know my own personality strengths. its those damn insecurities that sneak up on me and take over my subconscious. its rather fustrating and really the only way to make it go away is to talk it out...with myself mostly in these damn journals and to my emotional punching bag of a boyfriend. who im still questionable about. sometimes he does just really bore the shit out of me. but i kind of like the laziness aspect to hanging out with him. our relationship feels more comfortable and real than any i've ever had before. there is rarely an akward moment between the two of us. (except for when i walk in on him masturbating.)
but there are other times when i feel as if i overstep my welcome arround him. im just too clingy sometimes, i guess.
but on a not so emotional or codependent sort of level, i have a bunch of stuff i want to accomplish this semester and im going to need to focus hardcore on getting it all done. even though i've been throwing arorund this idea of how intelligence is measured in a backwards way. its never really a game of actual memorization or thought, but of actual will power. someone has probably already said that and im just repeating something i've overheard, but oh well. its new to me because i've discovered it myself, and wasn't force fed it.
i want to:
-start writing a paper that will be published.
-get a 3.5 gpa this semester
-find a job that isn't workstudy
-read more
-show my xc coach that he is limiting me by making me run so little an amount
-go to canada
-be happy
-enjoy my quiet alone time
-not start stupid fights with anyone
-get things accomplished for the poli sci club
i think thats a sufficent list for now. i'll probably find something else to add to this list later on.
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[Friday
May 2nd, 2008] |
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you know what doesn't make any sense? conspiracy theories. i mean all theories have a fault or two, because they are theory not fact and are debatable. but why is it that conspiracy theories have alot more loopholes or faults than other theories?
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[Wednesday
April 23rd, 2008] |
am i really as bad as i think i am?
im going with yes.
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| hi everyonnneee! |
[Tuesday
April 15th, 2008] |
so life has been shittier than ever lately, but im attempting to find some silver lining in it all. the situation with meg is somthing that is going tobother me for a long time and i know that. its kind of funny how out of the way she goes to make me feel like shit, and to make herself look better. pathetic almost. im not planning on doing anything about it really. just going to let her continue making herself look dumb by thinking that this whole thing actually happened over a box of cookies. which anyone who i've spoken to at all this year would know, this is really over how she and everyone else has just walked all over me all year. taken advantage of my niceness and consideration, and just forgoten that im a person too, and that sometimes it nice to not be so selfish all the time. sometimes i wish that i could just be as heartless as everyone else, but then i realize how really unhappy they must be to do that.
meh, anyways. other than the meg situation there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life right now. even though i really do feel as if im in a hole of bad things where nothing is positive, there really is nothing else that is bothering me.
i can't wait for france. it should be so much fun and a much needed vacation after a rediculously bad semester. it really does anger me how much i let other people bring me down. how im really still figuring out who i am, and what i do and don't like. i think im a little behind in this department, where everyone else has already had epiphany's like this already.
whatever. life goes on yes?
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[Wednesday
January 16th, 2008] |
spending so much time alone in my room has made me sort of a hypocondriac. simply because of my cravings for junk food, excessive need for water, and poor circulation in my hands i have concluded that i have diabetes. im not entirely sure of the truth behind this diagnosis, but i do have a feww reasons to prove myself wrong. the heating in my house is poor and thats why my hands aswell as the rest of me, is chilly. last night i was shitfaced, and am replenishing myself from being so highly intoxicated. junk food is just baller, so thats why i want it. also, im a fat kid at heart and all fat kids love them some junk food.
moving on. while being all cooped up in my "cell" i have gotten little accomplished. i set out to read a bunch of books, but alas i have only finished two books all break long. once classes start its going to be intense in getting myself into the routine of reading excessive amounts of nonsense. appathy was always a bad habbit of mine.
there's a bunch of snow outside and it makes me mad more than anything else. it really hinders what i can do. i liked my running outside every day thing, but now that theres snow, im not even thinking about going for a run. the thought of thinking about that makes me cold and angry. hmm.
well this entry is lame and im going to attempt sleep. byes.
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[Friday
January 11th, 2008] |
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im bringing this shit back.
only because i read over some old entries and i was rather impressed with my writing style. not so much the content, though. a bunch of stuff made me laugh though. such as how i decided that i was going to stop drinking and smoking for new years....freshman year. hahaha yea that really happened.
this comming semester should be promising. im going to be more reclusive then ever, but am going to love every minute of it. because we all know how well mar actually fares with living in close quarters with other people. horribly.lets take the easy way out for once and get a pimp-ass appartment in the old port shall we?
i think i've gotten farther from myself as college drags on. i read over all these old entries and i see that my real reason for writting is a search for purpose. and all the flaws and mishaps that come with that. now adays all i really do is fuck arround and wait for someone else to figure life out for me. is that what happens when you grow up? i have real worries. i have real fears. i don't have a parental supported bank account. im an adult. FUCK! when did that happen?
well to be perfectly honest i don't think i truely am an adult as of yet. i still sleep with a stuffed animal, i hate showering(its really an absurdly long process to do every morning), cartoons excite me, and i am perfectly happy eating a meal of just jelly beans. booo. life sucks
rilo kiley pwnz.
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[Saturday
October 6th, 2007] |
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i really want a toasted bagel with butter from bagel club right now.
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[Monday
June 11th, 2007] |
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today is beautiful.
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[Wednesday
May 23rd, 2007] |
home
tomorrow
schweeeeeeeetnesssss!
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[Sunday
May 13th, 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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bane. |
] |
i keep looking at my phone in hopes that it rings. who i want to call me, it doesn't matter just as long as its someone to talk to.
i feel more and more socially enept every minute i spend wasting my life in this dorm room.
home in 11 days at like 9ish. someone make planns with me because i miss everyone more then life!
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[Sunday
May 6th, 2007] |
Stolen from duh-nah-nuh nah
( Read more... )
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[Wednesday
April 11th, 2007] |
today, i realized why i have such a strong hatred for the liberal media. its because the democratic party lack the proper representation in the real world of politics, because they're all to affraid of the republican majority to say or do anything about it.
fucking wimps! aren't they the people who are all about being able to voice their opinion, and they aren't even doing that?
oh im so pumped for duffs new article on who lies the most about voting; minorites or educated white people.
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[Monday
April 2nd, 2007] |
| [ |
music |
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modern life is war. |
] |
so since no on really reads this journal of mine, im going to delve deep into the "real mar" right now with a simple list of fears, loves, and hates. consider it a late new years resloution that i never really made.
Fears
1. not getting my gpa high enough for any type of graduate school.
2. not living my life to the fullest, by sitting on the sidelines hating everything.
3. loosing touch with everything an everyone.
4. being replaced to those close to me.
5. being financially insecure next year, when living off campus, and over the summer.
6. living my life out of the house i grew up in. only having it as a place to go for holidays.
7. the way my life is right now, becomming completely and utterly destroyed by the aforementioned points.
8. failure.
hates
1. not having anything to inspire me.
2. the fact that my fears dictate my every move.
3. the fact that school also controls my every move.
4. being poor.
5. the people i call friends. i've found ways to turn them against me, and i hate that its all my fault.
6. the fact that my self loathing brings others down.
7. being stupid.
loves
1. keith and how he puts up with my shit everyday(i'd have dumped me a month ago if i was him.)
2. music in any form, because it reminds me that passion is still out there.
3. concerts and the long drives on I-95 to see them.
4. kayla,kara, and choogz for not hating my guts and always making me happy to be arround them
5. the beach and its closeness to my dorm room.
6. my bunny..yea hes a stuffed animal from like the 80's but i heart himmore than you!
i really don't know what else to say about myself except for im sorry for wasting space on your friends list with pointless shit.
sometimes i really just want something inspiring to happen, ever.
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[Friday
March 9th, 2007] |
just throwing this out there, but i'll be home this week for break.
anyone down for going to a show on saturday night in levittown?
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[Saturday
February 17th, 2007] |
my, has it been a time since i last updated!
im gonna have to admit this, but livejournal is kinda alot better than this. im sorry.
but anyways, life is good with the exception that my room is an absolute mess that i refuse to clean. tomorrow im going up to bucksport(no' maine) to see madball with keith and a few of his friends from home. it should be a time. i was supposed to sleep over his house afterwards but im not for a reason im not to sure about. i think it has to do with the fact that his mom thinks im a lesbian, but im not worried about it.
next year i think im living off campus with cadigan kayla kara and choogz. i swear to god one of us is going end up needing a liver transplant if these plans actually work out and we all live in the same house. its going to be a nonstop party, and you all will have to come up and visit and pahty hahdy in maine.
i really don't even know whatelse to write about. school is school. work sucks and im bored of being inside all dang day. hopefully tomorrow will be sunny out and i can find a way to go out and rhomp arround.
i think im going to buy myself a house plant to liven myt room up.
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[Saturday
January 20th, 2007] |
its been 3 years, but it still feels like she just left us.
i still miss you dani.
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[Monday
December 18th, 2006] |
im not a fan of lj cuts...blow me.
Open iTunes to answer the following.
Go to your library.
Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.
( TOTAL # OF SONGS: 1275 )
SORT BY SONG:
# First song: -Message in a Bottle- The Police
# Last song: Zombies are good for your health- Posion the Well
SORT BY TIME:
# Longest song: A hole lot of nothing VI- Coheed and Cambria
# Shortest song: Crush- Dave Mathews
SORT BY ARTIST:
# First song: U+Me=us: i know my calculus- 2gether
# Last song: Track 34- ???
SORT BY ALBUM:
# First song: Bro-Hymne tribute- Pennywise
# Last song: track 34-????(i think its supposed to be terror, or anterbae. i dunno)
TOP 5 MOST PLAYED
1. I Write Sins Not Tragedies- Panic!
2. Baseball but better- say anything
3. Fire- Joe Budden
4. She got away- Say anything
5. Here come the underdogs- terror
First song on Party Shuffle:
Devotion and Desire- Bayside
Search ...
"sex", how many songs come up? 3
"death", how many songs come up? 301
"love", how many songs come up? 37
"you", how many songs come up? 199
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[Sunday
December 10th, 2006] |
its been a while, maybe i should start updating this more and reading how everyone else is doing, being that my interactions with you all are limited.
there needs to be a starbux in the lounge of my dorm, this cafeteria coffee is driving me nuts; its horrible.
much like katies entry on chemical dependancy, i can say that im right there with her. coffee, motrin, and sudafed cold and allergy have become my latest addictions/all that i ever consume. i really wish that there would be one finals week that i could be healthy for, but i know thats not fesable.
christmas time is comming, and im not really all that excited for it. i don't want to be home. i want to stay here in my appartment, with all of my stuff, and live with people who aren't my parents, and just not be home. i don't want to have to buy presants either because im really broke. so not to be rude, but don't expect much from me this year.
i really hate how everything is all blurry and spining right now, and im as sober as i've ever been.
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