| Why I treat myself this way |
[12.22.06 at 06:49pm] |
I've been reading this book about Self Mutilation (The Bright Red Scream) and it's got me thinking a lot. It mostly points out how childhood has a HUGE impact on the rest of your life. Which, for some reason really surprised me. First, I thought about Molly. About all the things that parents do on a regular basis that have a HUGE impact on their children without even realizing it. I don't want Molly to grow up feeling confused, lost, and empty like I did. I mean, I have been happy. But for the most part I was always just so confused.
I read a part about how most "cutters" often cut due to their incapability to think and feel at the same time. And that rings so true for me. Whenever Kris and I get into a fight, most of the time I have so many emotions going through me, so much anger.. that I stop thinking and I say or do drastic things on impulse. Or if I'm thinking about a situation that it consumes me (like it often does) I won't feel anything. I just get really numb while I'm thinking.
And I don't want my own mental instability to affect Molly in any way. I want her to feel secure and loved with me. But without cutting or overdosing, I'm at a loss as to how I'm supposed to strike a balance. Maybe I'll talk to a doctor about it.
The next thing I thought about was, why do I feel like this anyways? What happened to me that caused me to feel so uncomfortable and dettached from myself? There was no sexual abuse in my childhood (well, a lot of sexuality, but no abuse) and no extreme physical abuse. My dad would be very patient and nice to us and then out of the blue, freak out at us. He would scream at us, eyes popping out, grab us and hold us in painful ways and give us spankings. But he never punched us, kicked us or anything. My mom has really radical mood swings and can be really sarcastic and bitter.. I think thats where I get those problems from. Which is sad because I really don't want to be like my mother because that means Molly will be like my mother.. so on and so forth.
Another thing that the book said can contribute to cutting is the absence of a parent. I mean, neither of my parents are dead, but while I was growing up my dad was only home usually 3 months out of the year due to the military. And I remember crying every night whenever he was gone, my stomach would hurt so bad. My mom would give my something for my stomach pains and after awhile, I just started taking more and more on my own.
I dunno. Just writing down some random thoughts. It feels really weird trying to relate things from my past to my present.
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| She me.. yanno... whatever. |
[07.19.05 at 02:25am] |
She likes staying up late. Granted, it's only to work on her overdue english, but it gives her such a pleasent feeling. At least it does until her bag of carrots runs out. Which is amusing as well. Out of all the years that she's disliked the taste of a raw carrot, here she is eating a bag of them while writing the greatest essay ever written about the stage production of Macbeth. Well, currently taking a break from writing greatest essay. And if you want to get really technical, she lies. She hasn't even started it yet.
It's almost sweet how she wastes her time doing other things when more important things need tending to. Her innocent reckless ways will probably always be her biggest downfall. It's not that she means to screw everything up in her life, it's just she wants to be happy and seeks happier things outside of her life. Outside of her mind.
Breathe in the sweet summer air. Breathe out. It's cool on her skin, refreshing. Subconciously she awaits in anticipation of the dawn, just as the morning sun cracks through the night sky and the smell of the timeless world around her. It's always so lovely to sit there and watch a sunrise. It's not that she never see's them. Before school let out she used to see them every morning on her way to school. However, she was always trapt in a vehicle like a dog on a hot summers day just dying to get out and enjoy it.
No, those sunrises don't count. The best sunrises are the ones you sit up all night waiting for. You know the type where the closer it gets to morning the more and more awake you become? She can still remember her first all nighter, awaiting the sunrise. No, it isn't a Romeo and Juliet tale sadly..
The bag of carrots is empty. Strangely enough so is her stomach. Rub rub and ignore it.
She'll put on another song to drown out any unhappy thoughts. Mostly unhappy memories. No, her life isn't a tradgety, it just feels like it to her. But she doesn't want to think about her unhappiness. She wants to think of better days filled with awaiting beautiful sunrises. She likes to think about all the sunrises she's shared with people who aren't even aware of it and how much it meant to her to have them right beside her, smelling, feeling the same thing.
Peace. Thats the only feeling capable while caught in the moment of a sunrise. A real sunrise. Not a fake one. Fake sunrises are so ugly. She likes to pretend they don't exist, although she has to endure them every morning of a school year.
The smell of night is equally lovely. There's a chilling darkness in the air, sure, but it's beautiful somehow. To be bathed in darkness and only having street lights to light your way on a concrete road or a car in the distant with their highbeams directed on you. Like you were almost in a show of some sort. Like Macbeth.
No no no no. Not like Macbeth. There's more magic in it than in Macbeth. Brillant play, but doesn't compare anything to being on a highway walking with the northen lights atop of you, watching them move and change colors. On a clear night with stars out, it can be one of the most beautiful things ever witnessed. Yes. She believes that with all her heart.
Her stomach is aching.
Aching.
She's just glad for once, it's not her heart. Fantastic.
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[05.10.05 at 09:07pm] |
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I'm tired of everyone and their mordant, callous attitudes and their permiscuous behavior. Maybe it's just a resentful misconception on my part, but I feel like someone very close to me is at the heart of all of this intense day-time drama. I don't feel like they have malicious motives, but I do feel that they have ignorantly discarded any sentimental feelings I may have in result to their current behavior. I feel like I've lost control of my emotions, like I'm detached, but that's going to change.
Looking down at my hands, knowing that they're mine.. I'm bored and restless. As I previously stated, I feel utterly detached from everything. There is just too much going on right now, and at the same time, not at all enough for me.
I think what's bothering me most is how misunderstood and alone I feel right now. I feel abandoned by my own best friend, like we've drifted apart and we noticed when it was too late. I'm just going to keep myself busy with school and other things. I'm also going to Nova Scotia in a few weeks, which might just be the perfect remedy. I haven't been there since I was a child, but I remember it perfectly. I miss it terribly.
I speak too briefly about the introspection going through my mind.
I'll never get past everything in my head if I can't sort it out and w-r-i-t-e i-t d-o-w-n.
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| I think too much... |
[05.04.05 at 01:19pm] |
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When you reach that point of confusion when the only person you ever end up hating is yourself, that's the point when you should be concerned.
I'm incredibly concerned.
I need to just snap out of it. This isn't me. At all. What ever happened the sensible girl I used to be?
Was I ever her?
I give advice, but I just never get around to following it. Is there something wrong with me?
At the moment, I feel as of I can't have a relatively normal life without fucking up my current life as it stands. I'm having this internal problem with myself, it's called, "Ally is a nonconfrontationalist." and it's getting me into a lot of trouble. It could quite possibly ruin everything right now. As of recently, everything and everyone are appearing more and more fragile and I feel like I'm doing everything wrong because I'm doing what I think will benefit someone else more and disregarding what plainly needs to be done for myself. I've concentrated far too much of my energy fighting what was in the end, inevitable; Confrontation.
Maybe it's because I'm always, always confused. I'm trying to do my best and I end up fucking up. Badly. I displace my feelings, constantly. I deny them, I ignore them and then, I end up just forgetting what they really were to begin with. Maybe I do it intentionally. Maybe I'm just clueless.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. There's always been this part of me, a part of me that needs to grow up before I can really flourish as the person I need to become. A part of me that I am desperately holding onto, and subsequently is holding me back. It's a mutual parasite. Finally, I need to take a deep breath and be the bigger person by letting it go and facing all of my current conflicts in life. I'm the only thing keeping me miserable.
[So easy to say.. why is it so hard..]
I also realized that I'm too shy and I'm too uptight. I have a terribly shallow fascination with manners and everything attached to them. I'm an envious, pride-obsessed, introverted extrovert with a lust deeper than an inflatable pool. I can hardly take myself seriously as a person. I am utterly tired of my ugly, mordant attitude towards my life and myself.
I've also realized that the only way to truth is through exploitation.
People are complicated because of their pride, and their constant needs to feel better than everyone else. To become a good person, I think you should be stripped of your pride. Or maybe hold onto it even more..
Sometimes the confusion of my thoughts is just too much..
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| Friends Only |
[12.03.04 at 02:15pm] |
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Yep.. This is friends only from now on.. cause I'm an idiot and set the wrong journal. Yep. Idiot. I know. Add me if you want, I really don't care.. just leave a comment so I can add you back and you don't seem like a loser for picking random people and pretending they're your friends.
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[06.08.04 at 03:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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relaxed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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none |
] |
So take me fast or take me slow..
I don't really care how I go..
In the daylight or in the dark
Just don't let me die of a broken heart...
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| A song.. |
[05.07.04 at 06:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Phill Collins |
] |
Oh stop your crying, it'll be alright.
Just take my hand, hold it tight.
I will protect you, from all around you.
I will be here, don't you cry..
You'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart,
From this day on, now and forever more!
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| Reptile |
[05.03.04 at 03:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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people in my eng won't shut up |
] |
Oh my beautiful liar
Oh my precious whore..
My disease, my infection
I am so impure
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| I've been losing too much blood..can't think straight.... |
[04.23.04 at 05:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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geeky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Sheryl Crow-The First Cut Is The Deepest |
] |
When you speak. What you say. My heart flutters with excitement when I see the passion. It burns inside of you. Closer. I want closer. So I can feel it's fury. The heat. Transferred by touch. Your heat. Lingering on my cold body. It's so cold. I'm so cold. Hold me. Tight. Tighter. Don't let go. Tell me. Tell me you won't. I need to hear you say it. The truth. Reflecting in your eyes. Saying you'll never leave me. And if I ever fall, your touch. Your touch tells me you'll catch me.
I didn't cry. Could you see me being strong? I was trying to be strong about it. mhm. You were so strong too. I wanted to be just like you. Stay calm. In a horrible situation. People say that I am. I'm not. I know I'm not. I deattch myself. Not you. Nope. You were so completly involved, allowing your feelings to comfort me. Such warm comfort. But I thought maybe. Just maybe. If i held back the tears, than I could be strong to.
Angels cry. Thats why it rains. It rains because an angel is crying. One day..One day I want to be an angel. Then I can cry. And when I do, the nutrients from my tears will be absorbed by the earth, and life, beautiful life will grow out of a decaying world. Yep. Thats why flowers smell nice. Because they grew from an angel's tears.
Maybe one day. I'll make someone proud. But I fear, if I die before then, you'll never be proud of me.
And so. Whenever it rains, I hope you think that an angel is crying. Not because the angel is always sad, they could be crying for happiness too. Sun showers. If I do die. And if I become an angel. A pretty angel. With pretty wings. To soar through the skies with. Until I remember all that I left behind, and I cry. When my tears rain around you, I hope that you think about angels crying. And I hope you think of me.
I know I'll be thinking of you. All of you. I'm always thinking about you.
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| some country song.. |
[03.24.04 at 02:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
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music |
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that country song is stuck in my head |
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When I think about rain
I think about singing..
When I think about singing
I think of a heavenly tune..
When I think about heaven
I think about angels..
When I think about angels
I think about you..
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| .... |
[02.18.04 at 09:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
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worried |
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| [ |
music |
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none |
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"She cries out to me
The child within myself.
She clutches at me
Tugging at my thoughts
And asking to be remembered.
Her small fingers reach through time
And her sad, dark eyes
Burn the symbol of her pain
Onto my soul."
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